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Original poster

my MIL slapped my child + told me

213 replies

hermykne · 28/08/2007 08:45

they were spoilt.
not in material goods but in how i treat them.

its one day later and i am still quite hurt about her saying this to me and for slapping ds. DD got very upset when she did it to ds.
i was out food shopping.

basically she said a good sla p would stop the antics of a nearly 5 and 3 yr old.

i feel i can withdraw or send her a note, as a friend suggested. not good face to face.

OP posts:
Oenophile · 28/08/2007 09:11

That's shocking, it really is, and you have every right to feel upset. And to ensure she knows that isn't acceptable to you.

But bearing in mind it's all too easy for bad feelings to start in a family, especially with our dear old MILs, and for rifts to start up and hang around for years, truly I'd try to contain your (very justified) outrage - WHILE making it clear it's never to happen again. After all, it's not about getting 'revenge' on her (not that you were intending that) but to retrieve the situation if possible and put a boundary in place.

I wouldn't favour a note myself as it gets things off on a chilly note and starts off the distancing process. Something like a good-humoured, jolly but assertive (gritting your teeth and calling on acting skills) "Now, Mum, we need to talk about the other day. I absolutely can't have you smacking either of the children - by the way, did you actually know it's illegal these days? - and you really mustn't do it ever again, thanks mum, I did appreciate you looking after them and I know they're hard work (insert a bit of blah here, finishing off with - ) OK, just wanted to clear the air and you do know now don't you that we absolutely can't have them smacked under any circs" - give her a hug.

Then if she takes offence and says right, that's it then, she's not lookng after them again, then you've done your very best.

I am fuming on you and your poor Ds' behalf, though.

Marina · 28/08/2007 09:12

Allowing your children to have their own relationship with grandparents stops well short of either party being allowed to smack the other IMO
"In my day we were glad to have two sticks and a potato to rub together, you young people don't know you're born", OK. Hitting, not OK

littlelapin · 28/08/2007 09:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Isababel · 28/08/2007 09:14

I would suggest to try to enlist your DH help on this. If you send the note she will feel you are unreasonable, if your DH talks to her and make her aware you both are not going to put up with granny smacking the children she is more likely to contain herself next time (If there is a next time, which I doubt)

Idreamofdaleks · 28/08/2007 09:23

In your MIL's time as a parent slapping was normal practice. Things have really changed.

I think sending her a note is a very poor way to deal with it. I would tell her that you understand that sometimes your child's behaviour can be difficult to deal with,just like any other child, and explain that you have decided not to smack your child for discipline - and tell her what method you do use to discipline your child. Ask her if she would feel comfortable using this method instead of smacking.

Although I am vehemently against smacking, I think other posters responses on this thread are over the top and heavy handed...explain things nicely and if she says she is happy to use your methods for correcting your child then let her have another go. Other wise, you, her, dh, the kids and FIL are all going to be the big losers.

Original poster
hermykne · 28/08/2007 09:24

kittywits
i dont think its cowardice on my part - not wanting to upset the applecart of family life perhaps, but not cowardice.

and the reason she slapped was ds wouldnt put his socks on for going gor a walk but would put his shoes on and she said he had to wear socks he d get blisters.
my answer would have been "fine get blisters darling lets go to playpark".

oenophile - i think i will talk directly. and get dh to do it. if he wont i will.

OP posts:
happystory · 28/08/2007 09:25

This happened to us, though ds was quite a bit older (and again dd was present too, and very upset by it) With hindsight I have felt that it was my mother's inability to cope with 2 normal lively children than anything she 'perceived' they had done wrong.

I went ballisitic! TBH it took ages to calm the whole situation down but she has NEVER been asked to look after them since- her loss, as she favours dd out of all her grandchildren ()and would probably love to have her all to herself sometime.

Ain't gonna happen.

Agree that your dh should be the one to have it out with her. If she takes offence, tough,let her live with it.

littlelapin · 28/08/2007 09:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lemonaid · 28/08/2007 09:29

I don't think you should send a note, and I think your DH should handle this. She needs to see the reaction as coming from both of you as a team, rather than from you as her DIL and I think that means it has to be your DH who handles it.

Original poster
hermykne · 28/08/2007 09:31

yes LL just needed a moral boost from mumsnet, thanks

OP posts:
littlelapin · 28/08/2007 09:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Idreamofdaleks · 28/08/2007 09:32

"fine get blisters darling lets go to playpark" ???
Blisters would cause him pain for days, and would you be happy if he came home with blisters from MIL's?

I disagree with you and feel that it was appropriate to insist your son wore his socks - I don't think it is taking proper care of a young child to allow them to get blisters to let them learn the hard way.

I think cancelling dinner is hysterical and will not help you to resolve the situation. Is your relationship with your MIL poor in the first place because you seem happy to write her out of your lives without trying to resolve things?

kittywits · 28/08/2007 09:33

Yeah, well I'll get shot down, but alot of you are simply too precious.....

RubySlippers · 28/08/2007 09:34

kittywits - don't think it is being precious that a MOTHER is upset that HER child has been slapped

peanutbear · 28/08/2007 09:34

why couldnt she have just put his socks on for him end of problem

I cant help because I would go mad if someone hit my son

kittywits · 28/08/2007 09:35

But then again, I don't think the odd smack is a problem anyway. I know most people here are fervent anti smackers. I think it has its place.

littlelapin · 28/08/2007 09:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ghosty · 28/08/2007 09:38

Kittywits ... IIRC you once told me that I should smack my DS when I posted about his behaviour a while ago ... forgive me if I am wrong and it wasn't you but I am pretty sure it was ...
If you think it is ok for other people to hit your children I feel very sorry for your kids.

sandcastles · 28/08/2007 09:38

I think kittywits said

"cowardice I think that is an awful reaction from you. Don't you think you are being a tad too precious here"

I am sre that was aimed at Cowardice leaving her IL's after her ds was called a bad boy, not the OP.

sweetkitty · 28/08/2007 09:38

I would be very upset if it were MIL slapping one of my DC however I would make a point of talking to her about it face to face or at least on the phone I don't htink a note is the correct way of trying to address this.

I would say to her that no one slaps my DCs and if she ever wants to look after them again she will never do it again, if she feels she cannot control them without resorting to slapping then I would say fine your not looking after them again. I would also show her how you as their mother control their behaviour as maybe slapping is the only way she knows how to.

Sorry if that sounds harsh but I would be harsh if anyone slapped my DCs.

happystory · 28/08/2007 09:38

Good post LL.

What is she trying to do? Make him frightened of her? Cos i bet he is.

RubySlippers · 28/08/2007 09:38

smacking has no place in my parenting
sign me up as well for being precious

littlelapin · 28/08/2007 09:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ragdollyanna · 28/08/2007 09:39

I also think that you should not send a note. I think that your DH should speak to her as she will probably take it better coming from him and see that you both agree that she should not smack your child.

However, I do think that withdrawing the children from her altogether is a very over the top reaction. If you leave your children to be looked after by her then she should be allowed to discipline them (although not by smacking). She has to feel as though she has some control over them - by not disciplining them they will just be able to run rings round her at a later stage.

In her day it was perfectly acceptable to smack a child and she probably thinks that the non-smacking is over the top as it "never hurt her children". You and your dh need to sit down with her and explain what sort of punishments you use and what you would find acceptable for her to use.

To smack your ds over not putting on his socks seems a very over the top reaction but was more than likely done for her frustration in finding it hard to cope with two small children. Whilst my mil finds it easy to have one of mine she finds it almost impossible to cope with both of them at the same time. Young children are hard work (and frustrating) for us let alone for somone a generation older.

Ragdolly

ghosty · 28/08/2007 09:41

The grandfather of a boy in DS's soccer team smacked ANOTHER child the other day at soccer training . In Australia smacking children is illegal. He is lucky he didn't get a visit from the police, had it been my son he had touched he would have had the police waiting at his door when he got home.
Am I precious? The child in question has bruises ...
I am still in shock from the whole thing and I would have ripped his head off if I had been there ...