my MIL slapped my child + told me

[hermykne]

they were spoilt.
not in material goods but in how i treat them.

its one day later and i am still quite hurt about her saying this to me and for slapping ds. DD got very upset when she did it to ds.
i was out food shopping.

basically she said a good sla p would stop the antics of a nearly 5 and 3 yr old.

i feel i can withdraw or send her a note, as a friend suggested. not good face to face.

Did she leave a mark?

My mother once slapped my ds when he was 3.
I went for her big time.
After things calmed down I said I did not smack my kids and I never wanted her to or she would never have access to them unsupervised.

When DP and I had ourdd I made sure MIL knew that I did not agree with smacking and that if I ever found out she had there would be trouble.
These things are best discussed and agreed IMO

Apart from the fact that your post contains an inconsistency greenday (you say you haven't succumbed to smacking but then admit you have done it when forced to carry out a threat - not sure what the distinction is there) I agree with everything you wrote in your post. Also agreed with sazzybee's and kittywits' last posts too.

I do believe there has been too much of a move away from teaching children discipline and respect and even a certain amount of "You do as I say because I am the adult and you are the child". I know there have been horrendous cases where this has been abused and children have had suffered dreadful treatment, but I also believe most parents would not abuse their children. Adults are almost becoming scared of being seen as disciplinarians and that is a recipe for disaster IMO.

DG, what I meant was that - I haven't succumber to habitual smacking. Only times when no amount of reasoning helped, and I had to threaten with a smack, but again, they are very few and far in-between, IYSWIM.
Hope I've clarified the inconsistency.

D?ya know, there?s another thread running here about two boy?s hitting another boy 3 years younger than them.
Everyone on the thread agrees that this is bullying and that the bullies should be taken to task ? It is not acceptable for 2 CHILDREN to be hitting each other.

So, I ask, how can it not be acceptable for children with 3 YEARS age difference to attack each other but some find it totally acceptable for a grown up 2 to 3 (and in the Op?s case probably nearer 5 to 6) DECADES older to attack a child????? I don?t get it.

Thanks greenday. Yes, I understand now. And still agree with you 100%!

Perhaps, trusting that OP's MIL smacked her grandchildren, truly believing that she was doing them some good .. the difference between that and children hitting another boy, is the intention behind the action?

I'm not supporting OP's MIL, BTW, just think that thread is a different context altogether, although both in the name of 'hitting'.

But my point was:
2 children who cannot be expected to posses the intelligence or skills to outwit each other into getting one to do the others bidding resort to physical action and it is classed as bullying and society does not and will not tolerate it.
Then an adult who IS expected to have the skills and intelligence to outwit a child in to behaving fails to do so and resorts to physical action and it is called discipline???

Am I alone in thinking that it's always, always best to let yr DH deal with in-laws on this kind of thing? I tell him he has to sort his family out, and I'll sort mine. After all, in-laws can quite easily hate you forever, but they're never going to hate yr DH. Ipso facto, he takes the heat, whilst you keep serene and "good" in the background.

I agree, it's about the intention behind the action. A punch in the stomach is assult, a smack for discipline is not imo

i'll just add my bit directly answering op

You don't calcel dinner. you get dh to speak to her, either on phone before or in person at your house. She shouldn't have hit. YOu both/he makes it clear it's not acceptable and mustn't happen again. If nec. discuss/agree alternatives. All done in grown up, reasonable friendly tones. It's not so difficult is it?

just back, going to catch up, havent had such a long thread for ages!!!

I agree with what DG says and part of what kitty says. I think children do need to understand that they sometimes have to do what they're told simply because they are told to do it. I also think there are better ways to get a child to obey than smack them.

I don't think smacking is the end of the world, but have always thought it should be reserved for serious situations, eg. when child's safety is at risk, rather than simple discipline. At the end of the day, there is clearly a difference in parenting approach and I would say that the OP and her dh needs to explain calmy to the MIL that they don't agree with smacking and give her a second chance.

My dad let my ds touch a hot light-bulb whilst he was looking after him, resulting in a massive blister on his finger. My dad seemed to be completely oblivious to a blindingly obvious hazard so we don't want my dad to look after ds again because it is a safety issue. Whether or not smacking is acceptable should be capable of being resolved by discussion. To my mind, if the MIL smacked either again after being asked not to, then the op would be completely reasonable not to want to leave her dc in her care.

The OP's MIL clearly loves her grandchild to have even been bothered about his feet getting blisters - I would have been more annoyed if my child had come back with blisters! - I would have wanted to know why she hadn't made him put his socks on - after all she is the adult and he is the child - but what puzzles me is why on earth would she want to stop contact, is this not overeacting? - this grandmother has been portrayed as being some horrible child beating person when in fact she probably isn't at all and from what I can see would have been in a no win situation whatever she did.Smacking him wasn't the best repsonse but it has happened, dragging it on will only make the child question what happened more and effect his relationship with his grandma. I think that this has been blown out of all proportions and that the likes of Kittywits and Dumbledoresgirl are right in what they have written.
For the record I personally don't smack, my step son is 12 and he has never been smacked - but that is something that my dh and I and my step sons mum and her dh agreed together - there are many other ways to discipline a child and teach them respect - something that is lacking in many children!
Am going now because this site has wound me up so much

Ok, so 1 child hits another and when asked why their response is ?because I don?t like them? ? intention is to hurt. This is bullying ?yes?

Another child hits another and when asked why their response is ?because they wouldn?t do what I asked them to do? ? the intention is to discipline and this is not bullying - ??

Fio Fio
what you said is very true : "I dont think its just about the smacking (I have smacked my own children but I do not expect anyone else to do it for example) Its her whole attitude with hermykne. Her mil has basically cleared herself of any blame to the incident by blaming it on hermykne. "Actually hermykne, its not my fault I smacked, its yours because you spoil them" "

she has observed my methods and decded to implant her own and tells me so.

Littlelapin is also correct where she says i'd take the socks in my pocket and stick them on once he complained but tbh hes been wearing them without socks all summer, its doesnt bother him, hes a boy he doesnt care!.

lucykate - the generation gap is a big factor, her sons where hit with the wooden spoon by her regularly. they laugh now about it, i m sure the didnt then.

ernest about 1/3 into this thread, i d id resolve to talk directly, dinner isnt cancelled, i just needed some virtual support. dh isnt home yet so i ll say it then.

its the attitude of my MIL that a slap will work when i think most of us here know it wont.and telling me they are spoiled in my discipline of them. i think their positivness outwieghs their mischievous and she should know that by now.
ds is a boy much more boisterus than dd at 3 yrs old and thhey both behave differently. dd is more accomodating to my asking her to be goodthan ds.

I think the vast majority agree she shouldn't have hit, that the hitting was wrong. Ok, she needs to be told not to hit, but this is behaviour that was once considered normal & ok, she just has to learn it's no longer ok and she must use other techniques. But some people are saying refuse contact, which is an overreaction imo. The op is undertsnadably upset at mil comments about the kids being spoilt. MAybe there's truth in it, maybe not, but sounds like mil was doing op a favour, had a fraught time with the kids playing up and misbehaving. She handled it badly but hardly worth excommunicating grannie for, surely?

Have a word, agree alternatives, tell kid to behave better for granny. Sorted.

OKAY FOR EVERYONE HERES HOW I AM FINISHING THIS COS SOME OF YOU ARENT LISTENING :

dinners on, i will talk to dh when hes home later on, if he doesnt talk to mil then i will. it will be very pleasant. i will explain my feelings. and then move on .
hopefully she ll take it on board and she will mind my children in the future if she volunteers as she hasnt really being that type of granma.

I personally have tapped my daughter on the hand when she is "danger naughty". I'm not talking about not putting on socks, not eating breakfast etc, I'm talking about when for the tenth time she is trying to play with the electrics, or the time she swung on the oven door when it was cooling and almost fell in. I tap her on the hand, not hard enough to make her cry, but she knows that it is wrong.
When it comes to things like not putting on her socks, not wearing certain things like a coat when it is cold etc, I am forceful with her, and have held her while wriggling so I can put on her shoes.
Certain things I am not hard on, and quite relaxed, especially food, because I grew up in a house where food was a forced issue and I dont want her growing up with food issues. My reasoning being that eventually children realise that they need to wear shoes, and give in, whereas in my experience, making a fuss about food can create problems, not resolve. Luckily DD eats most anything anyway.
The thing is, although I have given her a tap or two in her lifetime (she is nearly two) I would never be happy anybody else smacking her. And I would never release that control to anybody either. If she is naughty at the childminders then she can be put on time out when she is older (we'll adopt that in our house for the tantrums she'll probably throw in the future ) and if anybody else was looking after her then they could do timeout, but I'd NEVER let them smack her.

also depends how much times she spends with them. I agree all kids are idfferent and respond better to different methods. If I tell ds1 to put on his socks he'll do it. If I tell ds3 he'll often refuse. But if I say you've got to waer socks, do you want the blue ones or the red he'll happily choose 1 and put them on. But if she's not used to having them much she won't nec know these different strategies or be flustered and not think. hense having a chat about different techniques so she knows hw to get things running more smoothly. It was her 1st time alone, right? Well, it went badly, but there's things to learn from and refine. Hope you enjoy your dinner, maintain good relations and get the best of granny baby sitting in future

Sounds to me just like she can't MANAGE the children.

If she thinks that refusing to put socks on is worth a battle then she is obviously incapable of looking after children by herself.

I wouldn't make a big thing of it - she is incompetent and unable to handle two children (maybe even one). I would say that you really don't like slapping or smacking and it isn't acceptable any more, and she must not do it again, and you are feling very angry and upset about it. Say that if there are problems in the future then YOU will deal with the discipline issues, when she asks you to, and NOT her. I would say that you want to do it this way so that the children are not scared of her and so that it does not damage her relationship with them.

And don't leave your children with her again. Good luck, I hope it all resolves without too much upset.

Morningpaper what an awful lot of spurioius conclusions you've jumped to there.
Hey, I know, why not have her arrested and banged up for her henious crimes too?

Eh?