Men at baby groups...

[Foxmuffin]

I might be BU but I’ve got a 3 month old baby and have been going to a few baby groups. I find it a bit off putting when partners/husbands join Mum and baby. I totally understand that women who have had sections will need help driving and possibly lifting things but have also know partners drop off and find a pub/cafe for the hour groups go on.

I’m EBF and I’ve been to a group of 9 where I was the only one BFing, with groups of new mums I feel comfortable just getting my boob out to feed, but when babies are on the bottle with men there I feel a bit uncomfortable and it kind of spoils it for me. I suppose if their partner is BFing I feel a bit more like they’ll understand. Please understand I’m not looking down at FF, it’s more that if Mum’s OH is used to seeing BFing and babies feeding for comfort for what can sometimes feel like most the group I feel they’ll understand.

My own DH went back to work after a week so I’ve been doing all these things on my own for some time. He has never been one to pander over either of us so I’ve had to do the food shop etc myself and get on without support (actually a little pandering would have been nice, but he’s not like that).

I’m probably being self conscious, I don’t mind feeding in public but in enclosed spaces I feel the need to be more discreet which then spoils baby bonding time which is why I go to these classes.

peachgreen I'm a bit of a prude about communal changing rooms - I always nip to the loo - but that is MY issue and I'd hate to thinking it was stopping a disabled person from being able to use facilities. There are loos everywhere so I'm catered for!

labelled as female/women male/men, as you’ll find in all gyms.
Not all gyms. Many have shared spaces. My local authority run leisure centre has changing villages for the pool and gym that are shared spaces. The pool changing village has lots of cubicles but showers and locker/communal areas are accessible to all. I haven't used the gym for a while (because the one I use is cheaper, not because of the changing) has far fewer cubicles but individual shower areas.

They also have a bf room that I have never seen used as everyone just feeds in the cafe/soft play/seating areas.

@peachgreen
But once they have been legally designated as single sex areas then the woman's right to privacy overrides a disabled woman's right to have their male carers enter the changing facilities to assist her with getting changed. Have I got that right?

@Kentishgal
I'm a bit of a prude about communal changing rooms - I always nip to the loo - but that is MY issue and I'd hate to thinking it was stopping a disabled person from being able to use facilities. There are loos everywhere so I'm catered for!
Would you say that women who only wish to undress in front of members of the same sex are being unreasonable and therefore should be condemned to get changed in the toilets? What is the world coming to!

It's ok for women to want single sex changing areas. It's not prudish to want some control over who sees your naked body!

@bumpity No, I'm afraid not. Single sex spaces in private businesses are not legally protected.

bumpitybumper I accept that I'm in the minority about not wishing to undress in front of other women - most women don't seem to mind - but I happily go to a loo - otherwise I don't use the facility. Personally I've never encountered a man in these areas (aside from maybe cleaners and it is usually advertised that they are working there).

Apologies I posted too soon - but what I was saying was, for the really rare occasion that a male carer was in those areas (and as I say, I've never encountered it) I would just go to the loo rather than make it awkward for a disabled person.

Why aren't these men at work! You couldn't drag mine to one of those!
I know the type, op!

aquilla are you being deliberately goady?

aquilla maybe it is their day off, maybe they are a sahd, or a single dad. Many reasons. Maybe they just want to be involved in the raising off their child. My dh sometimes goes to baby groups when his day off falls in the week. Gives him a chance to spend some time with the children doing something they enjoy and gives me some space in the house.

Why aren't these men at work!

Paternity leave?
Annual leave?
Shift work?
SAHD?
Unemployed?

Thinking about it - probably the same reason why the women are there.

And on that note, I work ft so I really must get back to work! 😉 particularly as the nature of the debate is now far removed from the OP's original post!

@Aquilla my husband works nights and some days.
He enjoyed being able to spend his time doing something constructive outside of our house with DS.

Poor dads. What do they do if they are a single dad? Stay home?

@Aquilla - why shouldn’t fathers go to clubs with their DC’s?

I like seeing dad's there! It's nice. It's the opposite where I am it's 99% BF.... to be honest I'm the same whether men are there or not, I'm quite modest and no one can see my boob when I'm feeding. Just wear easy clothes to feed in.

There's a grandad goes to one of my groups, I think it's lovely!

@Aquilla

What are we supposed to do, leave a toddler there without adult supervision? Just because you couldn’t be dragged to spend time with your child doesn’t mean all parents feel that way.

If a dad is wanting to see boobs, there is more chance 'down the pub' than at a toddler group with a mother feeding.
Dads will, almost by definition, have seen boobs before, and know there would be hell to pay if they were disrespectful and 'ogling' any others.

I know the type

That'll be men who want to spend time with their partners and/or children and do fun things with them? That type?

Well, I have skimmed the thread briefly and I will just say this:

Our child is adopted. For various reasons my husband took the adoption leave for a year. He is an amazing father and loved being with our small child.

He was encouraged to go to groups and get to know people by the social workers. Believe it or not, men at home suffer from loneliness too. Men also need to socialise and know that they are doing ok.

He went to two groups. The shitty attitudes of some of the mums put him off ever going again. My husband is a really social person and will chat with anyone but it was very clear he was not welcome.

Did he give a shit about breasts and breastfeeding?! No. What an absolute insult. He wanted to make connections. He never went back and spent much of that year feeling rather lonely and depending on family. Dads groups aren't a thing around here sadly.

What a sad state of affairs.

Why aren't these men at work! You couldn't drag mine to one of those!
I know the type, op!

Lucky you. He sounds a real catch! Honestly, these men should know their place shouldn't they! Men belong at work and women in the kitchen eh

Did he give a shit about breasts and breastfeeding?!

It’s not just about him, they aren’t his breasts. The feelings of the person exposing themselves has to be considered. Part of the reason for the discomfort is because of the traditional roles and the fact these groups were usually just women. Many women might still want, or need, that. Like my abused sister I mentioned.
It is really sad your husband was lonely, I absolutely understand he and other fathers like him, have needs too. But women have set up these groups, and many cannot or do not want, to expose themselves in small spaces with men present. I think other women should understand this and empathise. I would think the best solution involves considering the needs of both women who want female only groups, and of both women and men who need or want groups for both. We have to include as many different people as possible, in my opinion, in public groups like this.

That'll be men who want to spend time with their partners and/or children and do fun things with them?
Don't go suggesting that some men actually want to be involved actively in their children's lives.

You're not unreasonable for feeling uncomfortable but that's your issue really to move past.