Men at baby groups...

[Foxmuffin]

I might be BU but I’ve got a 3 month old baby and have been going to a few baby groups. I find it a bit off putting when partners/husbands join Mum and baby. I totally understand that women who have had sections will need help driving and possibly lifting things but have also know partners drop off and find a pub/cafe for the hour groups go on.

I’m EBF and I’ve been to a group of 9 where I was the only one BFing, with groups of new mums I feel comfortable just getting my boob out to feed, but when babies are on the bottle with men there I feel a bit uncomfortable and it kind of spoils it for me. I suppose if their partner is BFing I feel a bit more like they’ll understand. Please understand I’m not looking down at FF, it’s more that if Mum’s OH is used to seeing BFing and babies feeding for comfort for what can sometimes feel like most the group I feel they’ll understand.

My own DH went back to work after a week so I’ve been doing all these things on my own for some time. He has never been one to pander over either of us so I’ve had to do the food shop etc myself and get on without support (actually a little pandering would have been nice, but he’s not like that).

I’m probably being self conscious, I don’t mind feeding in public but in enclosed spaces I feel the need to be more discreet which then spoils baby bonding time which is why I go to these classes.

I am not talking about excluding necessarily but about allowing women such as OP to air her feelings, to not be crucified for failing to think about men, to be told that her feelings are legitimate and to have a dialogue.

OP's feelings are legitimate and understandable. People are fine to feel uncomfortable for any reason at all.

But there's reasonable and unreasonable accommodations for personal feelings. Personally, I get why OP felt as she did and she should be able to voice them without being crucified.

I dont believe that the presence of dads in an open parenting group is a problem

LolaSmiles

I completely agree. It's understandable that OP might feel awkward. It's how she wants that resolved that's a bit off.

I find it a bit off putting when partners/husbands join Mum and baby.

This was not mean who are primary caregivers but men attending with the Mothers.

Many have you have inferred that OP is suggesting a blanket ban on men attending. That wasn’t what was said. It’s also clear that this was a group for new mums where it’s likely breastfeeding will be being established. Rather than a group for toddlers playing.

Yes men have an important role in parenting, but they don’t give birth and they lack the necessary equipment to breastfeed.

This is not AIBU it was a new Mum who was having a low moment and posting for support and light relief.

Gosh why the tirade against OP. she was asking people's opinions and unlike many who post in aibu was willing to take on board feedback which didn't support her viewpoint! As a breastfeeding mother myself I understand her viewpoint. Blame society for making breastfeeding seem abnormal and formula feeding being seen as the most publicly acceptable way to feed your child!

@Bumpity There's a MASSIVE difference between a woman trapped on a ward having JUST given birth, bleeding and in pain and intensely emotional, unable to leave and a woman wanting to breastfeed at mum and baby group she has voluntarily attended. Come on. There's no equivalence there.

There are breastfeeding support groups a mum can go to if she doesn't want to feed in the presence of men. If someone set up a mums-only group for new mums and babies I would be all for it. But you cannot and should not exclude dads from baby groups entirely.

Regardless of whether or not you give a shit about the dads' feelings, blocking access to them blocks access to some of the most vulnerable women out there. I could not have gone to a baby group without my husband at first. It was a vital part in my recovery from PND. And if you had refused to allow my husband to attend, I would not have been able to build that support network. It wasn't a "hot date" as a PP said, for God's sake. It was a traumatised and terrified new dad supporting his very sick wife to take her first tentative steps into the world of motherhood after the hell of PND and PPP.

I would never have dreamed of bringing him to a breastfeeding group. In fact I didn't go to any for that very reason. But damn right we went to baby groups together. And if you really care about women you will understand that mixed baby groups are as important as single-sex ones.

I am the OP and I actually deleted my account because I just felt like crap following this post. I am pretty disappointed I let some random strangers on the internet upset me. But after a break I have revisited and wanted to thank those that were able to empathise with me.

I did not post on AIBU but in parenting.

I should make clear that I’m not suggesting Dads should be banned but that it made me feel uncomfortable on this occasion.

I’d been doing famously feeding but as explained had a bit of a hiccup which knocked my confidence.

I was having a low day and trying to get out and about. I wasn’t expecting to see men there and it threw me.

I don’t think I’m being sexualised. I’m embarrassed by my now saggy boobs covered in stretch marks and feeling self conscious. With women who have also just had their bodies readjusted I feel a bit more at ease. Yes men parent too but they don’t experience this and I don’t feel the same level of solidarity.

I do use coverups sometimes but if my baby is being fussy he’ll kick them off.

I’ve apologised several times and again this is not AIBU.

I’m proud I’ve gotten this far BFing and will continue to do so. People are talking like you either can or can’t feed in public. It is possible to be at a transitional stage of acceptance.

It’s nice men are being supportive. I wouldn’t say I’m jealous of these people as my own DH is fantastic and can’t come to these things because he works long hours and when he’s not at work he has my DSD.

Depends what the man is like I suppose.

Thinking of a Baby Bounce group I know of. Not quite the same, but still mostly mums. I had to wander away every time the 1 dad was there as he spoke so loudly. He wasn't harsh, just a few decibels above normal so it dominates the group. I felt it took away womens' voices. But although some clearly didn't like it much, I found women to be quite deferential, even the group leader ... Or most probably all smiling sweetly whilst thinking stfu. The dynamic was entirely different when he wasn't there, much more relaxed. & This wasn't a horrible man in any aspect. He just liked to be heard, I think. I've seen that kind of situation in groups before where it's mostly women and just 1 or 2 men...you only 'hear' the men

I can understand you being uncomfortable entirely, OP. A man hasn't had a baby and the whole set of body changes that go with this. The stuff you might want to talk about or even have a joke or moan about, that you wouldn't because a man is there. My thing was really really sore nipples when breastfeeding. Kept thinking I must be doing something wrong, surely As a new mum finding my way, no way would I have wanted to discuss or ask questions with a man sitting there. Why would I?

Meant to also say, my DSis stupid H attended new mums group with her and massively took the piss out of particular women he felt looked 'a right state'. He's a prize idiot I can't stand him. So not all men who attend these things are simply 'great men who want to be hands-on dads'. Most. But not all.

Here's me thinking it's weird and a shame that there aren't as many dads at mum and baby groups!

It's a shame you feel self conscious. The dads aren't going to perv at breast feeding mums though. Hope you get more confidence.

Well done OP for coming back - and glad to hear that you're not being put down by some of the vile responses that you had. Mumsnet is meant to be supportive of parents and too many posters on here evidently ignored that.
Women should never be made to feel that we need to apologise for feeling shy or embarrassed or uncomfortable about our bodies in front of men - or women or children for that matter. Good for you for feeling proud of breastfeeding - enjoy your little one

Well done op for coming back.
I’m afraid I’m going to comment on your dh again- my own DH is fantastic and can’t come to these things because he works long hours and when he’s not at work he has my DSD.
Well now he has another child. And he has to parent them both. He doesn’t get to call the baby your one and his first child his one and carry on as before parenting wise. He’s only fantastic if when not working he is parenting both his children at suitably appropriate times. Don’t end up one of the women on here who have zero family time as they are expected to look after the new children while their dh is out dadding with his original children. He has to manage both, and in the baby stage you need lots of support if you’re anything like the average woman (& me). (appreciate hes probably funding the baby but there is much more to parenting).

@timeisnotaline
Thank you. It can be a balancing act and I think he feels guilty that he doesn’t have DSD at home all the time where our DC is.

The dads aren't going to perv at breast feeding mums though. Hope you get more confidence.

Yes, I didn’t suggest they were. But that i feel self conscious Feelings of anxiety aren’t always entirely logical.

@MonkeyTrap

Would it help you to take someone with you to the group for moral support? I know you say your DH can't be there but is there anyone else who could go?

It might help you to feel more comfortable until you get to know the group better?

@DecomposingComposers

I made some friends at antenatal classes and we often meet together at these groups. It is easier so I’ll continue to meet with them until I’ve sussed it out.

I already feel better and have been feeding more in p

@DecomposingComposers

I made some friends at antenatal classes and we often meet together at these groups. It is easier so I’ll continue to meet with them until I’ve sussed it out.

I already feel better and have been feeding more in p

I get that balancing act, but you need support and baby needs to know dad. You mentioned feeling anxious - I’m just going to leave this here. Dads can make a huge difference. www.smh.com.au/world/north-america/sweden-finds-easy-way-to-boost-a-mother-s-health-it-involves-fathers-20190605-p51umy.html

@MonkeyTrap

So that's good. Hopefully you will soon feel more comfortable feeding around strangers. It just makes your life so much easier if you can feed anywhere. I hated being shut away on the odd occasion when I had no choice (see my christening story earlier)

@timeisnotaline
Thank you x

@DecomposingComposers

Thanks-I’m sure I will. A blip in the road!

Bloody hell OP, you’ve been treated really shoddily here.
FWIW a mother’s feelings should be prioritised at a mother and baby group and the those posting whatabout the menz should be ashamed.

parent and baby group.
If the Op had gone to a Mothers group then she Would not WB unreasonable on being unhappy at fathers being present. But she wasn't. She was at a all inclusive baby group.

Etino if its a mother and baby group yes it should be mothers but if its parents/careers groups all parents careers should be equally welcome. It's not about the "menz feelz" in fact for me quite the opposite. How can we ever hope to achieve equality if men are shut out of child care, both professionally and for their own children?

@GrumbleBumble
It didn’t feel equal when I was getting a new arsehole during labour. Nor can we achieve equality in breastfeeding. I haven’t seen any new fathers tucking their now saggy tits into their socks.

Equality isn’t just treat people the same, it’s respecting their differences.

I’m sick of being torn apart on this thread. I can have valid feelings of anxiety and self consciousness whilst men have valid feelings too. I’m not minimising men’s feelings. I was talking about my own.

When I’ve spoken to healthcare professionals about anxiety not one has said “sorry let’s talk about Dads feelings” because I didn’t go to talk about my DH.

And this isn’t AIBU.