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Original poster

DP & non bio DD. Normal behaviour?

165 replies

treadcarefull · 09/02/2019 12:05

Name changed as outing. Brief background as don't want to be identified. Single mum most of DD's life. DD doesn't see father nor is bothered by this.

DD 9. Highly energetic, inquisitive, poor short term memory. Very loving & thoughtful, easily pleased however can snap in seconds & is quite frankly horrible at times.

DP - of 2 years. lived together most of this time. used to be amazing, complemented her when she did well at school etc, wanted to go on holiday together, days out, play etc.

Now all of a sudden his expectations of DD I think are ridiculous & he doesn't want anything to do with her. Sucks the fun out of everything. Picks at her constantly. For example, DD leaving light on becomes an absolute ordeal. times her in the shower & then complains. (She washes her own very long hair) Sets her up in situations where he knows she won't like & then easily causes an argument. She got an award at school, I told him about award. When DD went up to tell him he just said yeah your mum said, no well done or encouragement, DDs stomach obviously fell through her arse & was absolutely gutted snapped called him mean & slammed the door ( don't blame her ) que another ordeal. She got a treat for good parents evening, she wanted to show it off to DP, he basically said it looked shit.

DD can be hard work at times (attitude) & it is hard to keep starting fresh after explosions but I feel positive encouragement is better than very harsh punishment & nasty words. DP says I'm too soft. Says she's thick, that he can't stand her anymore & yesterday scared her by shouting to the point she hid behind me.

I have no idea what's happened or how I have got into this situation? DP always says he just wants her to grow up and be clever & wants the best for her but he's always putting her down, she's 9 & although she has the memory of a goldfish, I think for 9 she's quite self sufficient & although her attitude could improve, think her behaviour is probably quite normal. However she now always on the defence when it comes to DP.

I don't want too pull rank with the I'm her mum card, but don't think I've got much choice. Help :(

OP posts:
Iggly · 09/02/2019 12:08

Well er sorry but I’m not sure why you’re with this man?
He is treating her appallingly. If it were me and my husband treated his own dcs like this, we would be having very serious discussions about basic respect and taking it from there. But I would be questioning my marriage!

NothingOnTellyAgain · 09/02/2019 12:10

He is horrible and will destroy her confidence.

You need to protect her from being treated like this.

MancaroniCheese · 09/02/2019 12:11

What they said, get rid.

Interested in this thread?

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Refilona · 09/02/2019 12:12

You’re letting your child down. If things don’t change quickly she’ll resent you all her life for allowing this man to treat her like this.

gamerwidow · 09/02/2019 12:12

It doesnt sound like your DP likes being challenged so he was fine while DD was younger and just did as she was told but now she’s challenging his authority he can’t cope.
If he is like this now what will he be like when puberty really kicks in.
He needs to change or you need to leave before he does permenant damage.

Justgivemesomepeace · 09/02/2019 12:13

He needs to go. It wont get any better. Dont let her childhood be ruined by having to live with a man who clearly doesnt like her. She only gets one childhood and you only get one chance to be a good mum to her as a child. She'll be grown up before you know it and youll regret this if he stays. She deserves better.

YogaWannabe · 09/02/2019 12:14

He shouldn’t have been living there for the majority of the two years you were together surely? Unless I’m reading that wrong and you are together a lot longer and living together two years?

You would be extremely selfish to allow this behavior to continue towards your daughter. Have you addressed this with him all the times it has happened?

If it was me he’d be out on his ear by now but rarely in these situations do the children get prioritized, though it’s a good sign you’ve posted here at all.

Wishing you all the best

OMGithurts · 09/02/2019 12:14

Kick that fucker out before he destroys your daughters self esteem for life. Obviously the being nice was an act until he was happy his feet were firmly under the table, now you're seeing his true colours.

NotANotMan · 09/02/2019 12:14

He's not her dad, he's clearly not attached to her like a father would and he's being horrible and resentful. It's hardly going to get better as she becomes a teenager so what are you going to do?

HotSauceCommittee · 09/02/2019 12:14

Get rid of him. He is frightening and bullying your poor DD.
“He can’t stand her”. Why is he still living there? Why are you allowing him to treat her this way? She is not his DD, she is just an annoying kid to an abusive man.
Set the bar higher, demonstrate that you have standards to your child and kick him out.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/02/2019 12:15

You are her mother and you’re responsible for making sure her home in a supportive place or calm and positive reinforcement as much as possible, not a battle ground where normal behaviour is punished by someone who calls her thick and shouts at her!

He’s horrible. He has no right to belittle her, time her, insult her, verbally abuse her. You’re all she’s got and at the moment you’re letting another adult behave appallingly towards her. What is that teaching her?

I understand you’re confused by the change but it doesn’t matter what caused it, he’s showing you what he really thinks of your child and it’s awful. It’s past ultimatum time I think because you know what he’s like now and she deserves so much more than to have this man make her scared she unhappy in her own home.

LiveCCTV · 09/02/2019 12:17

Your DP says your daughter is thick and he can’t stand her anymore and you’re asking on an internet formum about what to do??

Woman up and get rid of him. NOONE should speak about your child like that so why on earth would you tolerate someone who should love you and her saying (and meaning) these things?

You say he’s a DP of 2 years and has lived with you for that long. Well that’s how long it’s taken for you to see his true colours. Most people wouldn’t have moved in a partner within 2 years.

FadedRed · 09/02/2019 12:17

So you hardly knew him when you moved him into your home and your DD’s life?
Well, you know him now.

Stardustinmyeyes · 09/02/2019 12:18

You need to protect your daughter
Get rid of this nasty arsehole.

AuntieStella · 09/02/2019 12:19

This joy-sucker is ruining your happiness as well as that of your DD.

Unless you can see a clear extenuating case rcumstance which you know can be fixed (and soon), you need to be considering if this relative nship has run its course.

Use your concern for your DD as your wake up call , bed he run win your self-esteem and you can no longer see it for what it is.

Singlenotsingle · 09/02/2019 12:19

You are the only person who can protect your DD. If Dp isn't prepared to back you up, and in fact is behaving like a mean bully to her, I'm afraid he'll have to go. It's sounds like he's jealous tbh.

Tinty · 09/02/2019 12:20

DP says I'm too soft. Says she's thick, that he can't stand her anymore & yesterday scared her by shouting to the point she hid behind me.

Are you serious? You are happy to live with a man who says she is thick and he can't stand her anymore? Get Rid of Him. He is an absolute asshole. Protect your Daughter.

Would you let him say those things about you? If he said you were thick and he can't stand you anymore?

Telling someone they are thick and belittling them will not suddenly make them intelligent or grow up.

I can tell you which one I think is Thick and Unintelligent and it is not your completely normal Daughter.

AnyFucker · 09/02/2019 12:20

You have a stark choice here

Your daughter or your boyfriend. Choose wisely.

NabooThatsWho · 09/02/2019 12:20

Get him away from your child. Horrible man. It’s up to you to ensure she has a good childhood and decent human beings in her life.

He sounds like a complete prick and a bully. Are you so desperate to have a man that you will allow him to repeatedly hurt your daughter?

NerrSnerr · 09/02/2019 12:21

This is why you need to get to know someone before moving them in with your children. It's time to put her first and get rid of him.

W0rriedMum · 09/02/2019 12:21

Leave him. Your DD will become a shadow of herself over time. She will set herself ridiculous targets she can't meet and think it's normal.
You talk about her short term memory but that sounds entirely normal for 9.

IvanaPee · 09/02/2019 12:22

I imagine that he figures after two years he has you where he wants you.

You’re not pregnant are you? Or recently engaged? Perhaps you’ve just gotten a mortgage or joint tenancy?

I only ask because a lot of the time men like him feel it’s safer to show their true colours if you’re sufficiently trapped.

Look, there’s a chance he’s not a textbook abuser. But there’s a bigger chance he is.

I’m not criticizing you, but if he’s lived with you for almost two years that means this moved extremely quickly. That’s another red flag.

I suspect as the thread goes on you’ll post more and more of these red flags.

Please, please prioritize your daughter. She deserves to have a happy and secure childhood. She shouldn’t lose that because of your choices.

Good luck Flowers

Amy326 · 09/02/2019 12:22

Put your child first and leave this man before you let him cause irreparable damage to your dd and she grows up to resent both of you. I can’t believe you’re even still with him and letting this happen.

Tinty · 09/02/2019 12:22

Set the bar higher, demonstrate that you have standards to your child and kick him out.

^ ^
This

Do it now or your Daughter will likely end up with an Abusive Bastard as a partner because her self esteem has been destroyed and she will expect men to treat her badly and be rude to her and think it is normal.

HollowTalk · 09/02/2019 12:23

I've rarely seen such an easy decision to make. This man is abusing your child and if you stay with him, you are guilty, too.

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