DP & non bio DD. Normal behaviour?

[treadcarefull]

Name changed as outing. Brief background as don't want to be identified. Single mum most of DD's life. DD doesn't see father nor is bothered by this.

DD 9. Highly energetic, inquisitive, poor short term memory. Very loving & thoughtful, easily pleased however can snap in seconds & is quite frankly horrible at times.

DP - of 2 years. lived together most of this time. used to be amazing, complemented her when she did well at school etc, wanted to go on holiday together, days out, play etc.

Now all of a sudden his expectations of DD I think are ridiculous & he doesn't want anything to do with her. Sucks the fun out of everything. Picks at her constantly. For example, DD leaving light on becomes an absolute ordeal. times her in the shower & then complains. (She washes her own very long hair) Sets her up in situations where he knows she won't like & then easily causes an argument. She got an award at school, I told him about award. When DD went up to tell him he just said yeah your mum said, no well done or encouragement, DDs stomach obviously fell through her arse & was absolutely gutted snapped called him mean & slammed the door ( don't blame her ) que another ordeal. She got a treat for good parents evening, she wanted to show it off to DP, he basically said it looked shit.

DD can be hard work at times (attitude) & it is hard to keep starting fresh after explosions but I feel positive encouragement is better than very harsh punishment & nasty words. DP says I'm too soft. Says she's thick, that he can't stand her anymore & yesterday scared her by shouting to the point she hid behind me.

I have no idea what's happened or how I have got into this situation? DP always says he just wants her to grow up and be clever & wants the best for her but he's always putting her down, she's 9 & although she has the memory of a goldfish, I think for 9 she's quite self sufficient & although her attitude could improve, think her behaviour is probably quite normal. However she now always on the defence when it comes to DP.

I don't want too pull rank with the I'm her mum card, but don't think I've got much choice. Help :(

Whose behaviour are you asking about? Your daughter’s is completely normal, his is vile.

Bloody hell this is awful. Of course it's not normal. Who knows why he's changed? It has zero to do with your daughter's behaviour and everything to do with his beliefs though. Perhaps because he was on his best behaviour to start with and thinks you won't kick him out now?

I try not to tell people to leave their partners. I try to suggest if there can be some way to communicate and work things out mutually.

You need to put your foot down right now. Your DD is at a very delicate age and quite frankly his behaviour towards her is damaging and frightening.

You need to make it absolutely clear that he never shouts at her like that again, that he stops picking on her and bullying her, that he stops having such a low opinion of her and squashing her enthusiasm. What an awful man!!

If he can't improve his attitude IMMEDIATELY, kick him the fuck out before he damages her even more!! Your daughter will grow up resenting you if you don't, she will become more angry too.

Your daughter must come before him.

You are her mum. Her protected. Her defender.

Step up and get him to fuck.

*protector

Pull rank. Use the I'm Her Mum card. DD is your first responsibility. She's at a sensitive age and this is when she needs her confidence built to set her up for adulthood.

I'm sorry OP, but after 2 years it sounds like your DP's true colours are finally showing. He sounds like a bully and I'd be asking him to leave.

Choose your daughter above a man.

I agree with all the others. Your DP is a nasty aggressive git, and in your position, I’d have had one very clear “don’t treat dd like that” conversation and kicked him out if he did it again.

Then taken dd out for a pizza to celebrate..

Thank you ladies. Known him for longer than the 2 years. Ended up living together quicker due to his situation at home changing & work hours. Untill very recently everything has always been great, we've never argued, DD & DP have always got on really well.

Other than leaving, any advice on working this out? I'm not taking this lightly I would just like to not throw away 2 years if it's a fixable situation. I just feel there must be a big something somewhere for things to have changed this much. If not fixable then undoubtedly daughter will come first.

In terms of school runs, cooking tea etc general care, making sure she is showered, presentable he is top form, my memory too is crap he is always the one reminding me of uniform needs doing or if her pack lunch stuff etc is running out, spellings need doing and stuff.

We both have demanding jobs & I know he is very stressed at work at the moment, I'm not excusing behaviour, I'm just providing details that may be contributing.

You even need to ask this question?

Well what does your DP intend to do to fix his relationship and attitude towards DD?

Other than leaving, any advice on working this out?

There isn't any. He is a bullying cunt that is making your daughters life hell. Not just now, today, but potentially her future relationships too. How many tines do we read on here of women in abusive relationships who have a background of this? Stand up for her.

I'm not taking this lightly

You are, if this is true.....

I would just like to not throw away 2 years

Because your DD should always come first to your relationships.

if it's a fixable situation.

Fixable for who? Because I'm sure it won't be your DD.

OP take your head out of the sand your arse and protect your daughter ffs.

Your poor DD. She sounds like my 8yr old DD - very energetic, lovely and lovable but also emotionally volatile with emotions swinging like a pendulum! Being around your partner will make it much harder for her to regulate her feelings and it will be a downward spiral. I’m wondering whether you need to talk properly with your DP before doing anything drastic though. Maybe he doesn’t understand how he’s making her feel, just isn’t emotionally tuned in? Not being her biological father isn’t an excuse for his poor behaviour as a dad and he needs to understand that you put your DD first

Sorry but you are making excuses for him. Would you accept being treated like this? At least you have a choice. Your daughter is being forced into an emotionally abusive relationship. You are setting her up for a shitty life.

If you are determined not to do the obvious thing, then I suppose you could tell him to start treating her with love and respect. No second chances. If he ever mistreats her again, he is out. But don't you think you can do better than someone who has to be threatened not to mistreat your precious child?

You’re okay with accepting that your partner is abusive to your daughter?
I’m not.
She isn’t, and is finding ways to express it. It’s going to start coming out. She won’t forgive you.

My dh is dd step dad.

We have a child together. If he treated her like this he would be gone.

He is bullying her and your allowing it.

Imagine how shit your dd feels living in an environment like that. Would you let a random stranger but her down make her feel stupid? I doubt it so I don't see why you think him sharing your bed should make it any different.

So his stress at work is causing him to call her thick and that he can't stand to be around her

There is no solutionto that

Go and sit in front of counsellor with your dp describe the behaviour you have here.

Then see how fixable it is. I doubt very much you would like what you would hear.

Have you read the heart breaking story about Amber Peat? If not do.

Then look at your dd and think about what you are allowing to happen in your home.

Did he get his feet under the table , and then his attitude changed?

Could he be using her to project his dissatisfaction with the whole relationship?

Question OP:

Do you think if you had a child with this man he would treat him/her this way?

If the answer is yes, then ask yourself if this is the way you think innocent children should be treated as a matter of course.

If the answer is no, then he’s treating her this way because she’s not his. And she never will be. So you’ve condemned her to a life of not being loved the same, not being treated the same, not being good enough.

Making sure she’s clean and has spellings done is a pretty poor yard stick for a relationship don’t you think?

It’s not fixable if he doesn’t like her. You can’t fix how he feels about her.

You can speak to him and maybe he’ll do a better job of hiding it for a while.

Again, it will be your choice to have your daughter grow up with that. Has she done anything to deserve that type of childhood?

And say it’s just that he’s stressed. So what? Is she to be his emotional punching bag every time he gets stressed? Does she deserve that?

If you have more kids, she’ll remain the target of his ire because “he’s stressed”. Do you want her seeing her siblings treated better because they’re not different, she is?

Is that the mother you want to be?

Have you read any of the awful stuff coming out of Amber Peat's inquest? She was the step child who turned into a scapegoat for her stepfather's anger.

If you can’t remember to do spellings and uniforms etc you write lists, you don’t keep an absive disgusting man around to remind you.

Don’t be so pathetic.

Op read your opening post and imagine a friend of your was telling you what you've written.
What would you say?

You are minimising his behaviour, if it's only changed recently then I agree with pp who've said he is showing his true colours.
Your daughter only has you to protect her. By accepting his words and actions towards her you are revealing that you feel the same about her. Any man is NOT better than no man.