DP & non bio DD. Normal behaviour?

[treadcarefull]

Name changed as outing. Brief background as don't want to be identified. Single mum most of DD's life. DD doesn't see father nor is bothered by this.

DD 9. Highly energetic, inquisitive, poor short term memory. Very loving & thoughtful, easily pleased however can snap in seconds & is quite frankly horrible at times.

DP - of 2 years. lived together most of this time. used to be amazing, complemented her when she did well at school etc, wanted to go on holiday together, days out, play etc.

Now all of a sudden his expectations of DD I think are ridiculous & he doesn't want anything to do with her. Sucks the fun out of everything. Picks at her constantly. For example, DD leaving light on becomes an absolute ordeal. times her in the shower & then complains. (She washes her own very long hair) Sets her up in situations where he knows she won't like & then easily causes an argument. She got an award at school, I told him about award. When DD went up to tell him he just said yeah your mum said, no well done or encouragement, DDs stomach obviously fell through her arse & was absolutely gutted snapped called him mean & slammed the door ( don't blame her ) que another ordeal. She got a treat for good parents evening, she wanted to show it off to DP, he basically said it looked shit.

DD can be hard work at times (attitude) & it is hard to keep starting fresh after explosions but I feel positive encouragement is better than very harsh punishment & nasty words. DP says I'm too soft. Says she's thick, that he can't stand her anymore & yesterday scared her by shouting to the point she hid behind me.

I have no idea what's happened or how I have got into this situation? DP always says he just wants her to grow up and be clever & wants the best for her but he's always putting her down, she's 9 & although she has the memory of a goldfish, I think for 9 she's quite self sufficient & although her attitude could improve, think her behaviour is probably quite normal. However she now always on the defence when it comes to DP.

I don't want too pull rank with the I'm her mum card, but don't think I've got much choice. Help :(

Or, don’t shag a man who gets his kicks from the mental torture of a nine year old girl!

That’s another option.

I feel so gutted for your poor girl. Imagine if she found out he was actually saying that he can’t stand her. Timing her in the shower!! Does he think she’s in prison?? I don’t think this is fixable. Please don’t risk your relationship with your daughter and leave this man. She sounds like a sweet girl- my 10yo DD started with a terrible attitude when she turned 8, it’s often due to hormones and essentially they can’t help it. I don’t let her walk all over me and DP (not her dad) and yes we tell her off at times but I genuinely am gobsmacked at the vitriol you say your OH is directing at your DD. I hope your headspace helps you make the right decision.

Come back when you're being serious

@exWifebeginsat40 well done for quitting the booze, it’s not easy. I hope you are enjoying a happy life now

I hope it is a troll otherwise the poor girl is being abused.

There is no fixing this, he is abusing your daughter she is scared in her own home.

There is only one thing to do

In the kindest way possible, this man needs to go. It's not two years wasted - think of it this way - it only took two years before he started to show his true colours.

And your dd is only 9. If you leave it much longer to leave him, there will be more 'time wasted' and your dd will be older and even less likely to recover her self-esteem and respect for you.

As someone upthread pointed out - this is Amber Peat territory.

If you stay with this man, you will end up living with a nasty bully and having no relationship with your dd and therefore your grandchildren, so for your own sake, just get rid of him. If you must have a man (and frankly, many are not worth the trouble) then I'm sure you'll find another one.

I'm still hoping that you are a troll.
The timing of her in the shower is sick and twisted.

How can you like this man?

EVERY. FUCKING. TIME!

WHY did you move in SO QUICKLY?

He sounds horrific and abusive and you're allowing your child to be bullied in her home!

Get rid and next time don't even THINK of even introducing your child to a new man for at least 6 months and don't move in together for at least 2 years. (Although tbh I wish women would learn they don't HAVE to be in a relationship especially a shit one!)

Yes I know I'll get flamed but I'm heartily sick of reading on here and hearing about in real life of children getting treated like shit by "step-parents" that their biological parents are prioritising over their CHILDREN the people they're supposed to protect and nurture.

Such biological parents should be done for neglect!

If it were me he'd be long gone! (Actually he wouldn't be living there in the first place this soon in! His housing problems are his!)

Knowing him BEFORE you were dating is irrelevant! Have you posted about him before?

Abusers don't change! So no there is no "remedy" he played a long game of maintaining the mask but now it's slipping.

Why did his previous relationships end? Why was he essentially being made homeless?

Sorry OP but wake up!

If ANY man shouted at my DD and scared her so much she felt she had to hide behind me then they'd be out the door especially a partner of mine!

@graphista applause not condemnation xxxx

@graphista for what you said I mean xxxx

our DP says your daughter is thick and he can’t stand her anymore and you’re asking on an internet formum about what to do?

Personally, I could not have respect for a man that said this about any child. If he'd said it about mine within earshot I think he'd have difficulty in breathing.

Please do the right thing by your DD.

You're letting her down massively.

I actually grew up in a very similar situation to this, so hopefully my perspective might be useful to you, OP.

When my step-dad first moved in to our house, I was fine with it. I was 9 or 10 at the time and while I wasn't always happy about it, I knew that I'd grown up with just my mum and nan and that most of that initial negativity was just jealousy. As time went on my relationship with my step-dad soured, with him constantly criticising, degrading and insulting me for things that I couldn't help. Admittedly this isn't helped by the fact that I'm autistic and so I need help with a lot of things and he has never been happy about that at all, he still tries to discourage my mum from helping me whenever he's aware of it so we hide it if we know it's going to cause an issue. I'm 20 now, and sometimes I'm scared to go home from university because it puts me under a lot of pressure. As soon as I go home I'm no longer an independent, strong person and instead I'm a weak, dependent, selfish, negative, rude, cold-hearted, annoying, untalented btch. He first called me a btch when I was 12 and, while he hasn't said it since, that moment sticks with me.

My mum wasn't really aware of how my stepdad treated me for a long time because I pretended it was fine and he would never do it when she was around. She is my favourite person in the world and always will be, I don't blame her for any of the things he's put me through. She has been my strongest and most supportive lifeline as we try and change our situation and as I navigate the trauma I've been left with. You're in a better position by knowing about it early on. I would recommend keeping a very close eye on what's going on, talking to him about it if you feel safe to, and if it doesn't stop after that then I would have to say you should leave. I have a lot of issues from being in a similar situation, and I would do whatever you can to protect your daughter from that internalised negativity. After a decade I can attest to the fact that it really takes its toll.

I'd get him the fuck away from my 9 year old.

Glad you're taking some time out to really process what is happening. It takes about 1 years apparently to really get to know a partner, or for a partner to show their true colours if you want to look at it that way. Do t think of it as '2 years wasted' as for the majority of those 2 years he didn't let you know who he really was. See it as an option eliminated, a bullet dodged, a learning experience etc.

The thing is, your dd will already be internalising the things he is saying. She will also be internalising the fact that you are forcing her to endure it so as not to 'rock the boat'. She is powerless to do anything about her situation, being a child, and relies on you to put her physical and emotional wellbeing before anything else. Rule number 1 of parenting: keep your dc safe.

My step father was an utter bastard, but we didn't find out until dm married him, once they'd been together 2 years. She was so convinced that she wouldn't cope without him at that point that she stayed for 20 more years. She eventually left him 6 years ago and she survived just fine. My siblings and I (there are 4 of us) have all required extensive medication and therapy as our MH problems have plagued us throughout our teenage and adult years. A lot of it was down to the bastard and his bullying ways, but more damaging was the fact that our dm chose not to protect us because she was afraid of being alone. That fucking hurts, I can tell you.

And whatever you do, DO NOT say to your dd that you will leave dp 'if that's what she wants'. My dm did this to us. We all wanted to please our parents and have a happy family so of course we all said that we didn't want him to leave. I'm not sure I can forgive her for shirking the responsibility of protecting us and making it ours.

Good luck Op. I hope you can take something useful from my post. I'm aware that it may just get lost in amongst all the other posts, but if there is a chance that I can help I will try.

I heartily agree with @Graphista

Why are you even questioning what to do here and why the fuck do you want to know how to fix this? You can fix him.
He's an abusive man who is a danger to your 9 year old daughter.

He should also have nothing to do with her having showers, nothing AT ALL.

You moved him in so quickly, do you not understand anything about how to protect yourself and your child?

He suddenly can't stand her and calls her thick??? Really????!!!!!!! That's all wrong, you must surely see that?!

You are a mother first, be one and end this farse of a relationship NOW.

Alfie Lamb is another dead example of a child being despised by a stepfather/ mother's boyfriend. She couldn't see past his behaviour either.

You can't fix him

Bloody phone

Thank you

I'm just so sick of it. And as pp have noted it can have fatal consequences.

Amber peat (RIP) is the one currently in the news, and I know is a slightly different case, but how many times have we seen a child in the news who's been beaten, molested, even murdered and it feels like 9/10 it turns out to be the mothers sexual partner that's done it! And frankly I feel like the other 1/10 it's the grandmothers partner! Or step brothers or step dads brother etc killing them too.

I'd love to know the actual stats on this, but I suspect they're not far off!

RIP also

Baby P
Jenna Brookfield
Zoe Evans
Daniel pelka
Ella dalby
Tia sharp
Becky watts

And all others lost to the hands of these men. Although I don't think it's JUST a case of toxic, dangerous misogyny. It's also because people rushing into blending families without approach it sensibly & that creates tensions & jealousies that increase the likelihood for abuse.

"It takes about 1 years apparently to really get to know a partner" biochemically it can take up to 18 months for the hormonal reaction that causes the "rose tinted glasses" "falling in love can see no fault in them" to wear off. That is one of the reasons I think biological mothers (and fathers) should wait AT LEAST 2 years before even CONSIDERING moving in with someone and exposing your kids to them.

2 years is also the average point when abusers start to become more overt, though as we know there are other triggers too which can occur earlier or later.

And I wrote that ^ before I read

"once they'd been together 2 years"

Be interesting to hear from the other pps in similar situations what the timescale was. If they're willing to share.

My experience is slightly different as it was my biological father that was the problem, but I can relate to the pps who's relationship with their mothers are now permanently damaged because when we became adults (and especially parents) ourselves we realised they should have protected us and didn't.

I'm 46, I'm vlc with my parents, nc with my sister & various other relatives and low - Med contact with bro, as a direct result of my childhood. My dd is nc with my sister & dad, vlc with my mum.

I have serious mh issues that are at least in part due to this. Although it's taken me a long time to accept & understand that as until my 30's I was "fine".

Do you want your dd to have serious mh possibly addiction issues? To want little to do with you when she leaves home (possibly at 17 as i did?), to not want you around your grandkids?

Is he REALLY worth you losing all that?

I've been a single parent since dd was 2, I've dated but nobody's impressed me enough I wanted to make it permanent, a couple came close but there were other issues. Dd only knew ABOUT 2 of them and only met 1. Her safety (inc emotional) is more important to me than any potential partner.

She's now almost 18 and (I hope) has a healthy attitude to relationships and certainly doesn't take shit! She's had her heart broken (believe me it's worse than your own but part of life) but she won't tolerate bad treatment and she counsels her friends likewise.

Do you want her to accept poor treatment from friends & boyfriends/girlfriends? To place herself lower in priority than everyone else?

I cannot imagine you do, and certainly not consciously but if you let this man stay, you ARE now consciously making a decision that could well lead to these or potentially much worse consequences.

@graphica

Be interesting to hear from the other pps in similar situations what the timescale was. If they're willing to share

Ok slightly different. My DS bio Dad is the sort of nasty piece of work that would cause a child to commit suicide. I’m doing all I can to protect him and currently paying a fortune to protect him through the court process, as well as paying for weekly therapy. I will not let my D.C. grow up needing to recover from their childhood. My DS knows how much I try to protect him too, which is heart breaking but I’m also glad he knows. I’m glad he knows that I will fight for him no matter what.

I met my DH when my son was 1. I was 21 years old. He didn’t meet DS until he was 3 months but only briefly, then not again for another 3 months. After that he occasionally featured in our lives as a family. I maintained my own home, my own career, my own studies and financial independence. After about 2 years he began to play a more active role in DS life, as he was staying over more regularly and I was working- school runs, trips out without me etc. We got engaged 4 years after we had been together and I accidentally fell pregnant shortly after. He didn’t move in until the baby was born and we had been easing it in until he moved in fully. DC2 was born and I continued to maintain my financial independence and continued study whilst setting up my own business. We then had DC3. After 8 years together we married. He plays a very active role in my DS life and worships the ground he walks on, my DS is lucky to have a male influence like him, they absolutely adore each other. However, I maintain my financial independence, my studies and continue to work as I would not hesitate to throw his arse on the street if he ever so much as stepped out of line with my DS. I am a mother first and foremost and my children come before anyone or anything. It can work with blended families, but the key is to be slow and steady and be ready to drop them like a hot potato the second they show any red flags. I’m so sorry you have such a difficult family x

@Graphista
Fucking hell.
I wish I knew you in real life. You sound brilliant. I’ve cried reading the above.

I'm really not brilliant, I've failed in other ways I feel as dd hasn't had the experience of living in a home with a healthy relationship example. Which is what I would have preferred. Aa a result she's maybe too cautious with boys/men and has too high standards at times, can be a bit tough on them.

She's also had the misfortune of having a mother who's been ill most of her childhood, all her remembered childhood which breaks my heart and I beat myself up about as it has made things tough for her at times.

Although I hope it means she also has a good understanding of and compassion for such illness.

And through her teen years we have, erm had our moments where we have driven each other bonkers!

But, she's relatively healthy herself (has a disability that's genetic), did quite well at school & has a good full time job & a lovely boyfriend. So at this point I think I've done ok.

As I say she's 18 in 4 mins

So might be too early to say yet.

Fully agree with Graphite and Bishalisha posts.

I didn't realise so many women moved partners in so quickly until I joined MN.

DD (14 almost 15) has only met my DP. Me and DP were friends for a year, dated for a year before she met him, he only moved in recently - after 6 years of friendship, 5 years after we started a relationship, 4 years after she met him. He has never tried to push me into moving quicker and he's always been considerate of her needs (giving us time alone if she seems to be stressed or having a difficult time).

@graphista happy birthday to your precious DD, it sounds like you have done a wonderful job with her

As thanks she's just getting ready to go out now.

I don't understand why people rush into these situations either. It's ridiculous!

Have those of you with a similar outlook also noticed how these men so often have a "housing emergency" early in the relationship?