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Original poster

DP & non bio DD. Normal behaviour?

165 replies

treadcarefull · 09/02/2019 12:05

Name changed as outing. Brief background as don't want to be identified. Single mum most of DD's life. DD doesn't see father nor is bothered by this.

DD 9. Highly energetic, inquisitive, poor short term memory. Very loving & thoughtful, easily pleased however can snap in seconds & is quite frankly horrible at times.

DP - of 2 years. lived together most of this time. used to be amazing, complemented her when she did well at school etc, wanted to go on holiday together, days out, play etc.

Now all of a sudden his expectations of DD I think are ridiculous & he doesn't want anything to do with her. Sucks the fun out of everything. Picks at her constantly. For example, DD leaving light on becomes an absolute ordeal. times her in the shower & then complains. (She washes her own very long hair) Sets her up in situations where he knows she won't like & then easily causes an argument. She got an award at school, I told him about award. When DD went up to tell him he just said yeah your mum said, no well done or encouragement, DDs stomach obviously fell through her arse & was absolutely gutted snapped called him mean & slammed the door ( don't blame her ) que another ordeal. She got a treat for good parents evening, she wanted to show it off to DP, he basically said it looked shit.

DD can be hard work at times (attitude) & it is hard to keep starting fresh after explosions but I feel positive encouragement is better than very harsh punishment & nasty words. DP says I'm too soft. Says she's thick, that he can't stand her anymore & yesterday scared her by shouting to the point she hid behind me.

I have no idea what's happened or how I have got into this situation? DP always says he just wants her to grow up and be clever & wants the best for her but he's always putting her down, she's 9 & although she has the memory of a goldfish, I think for 9 she's quite self sufficient & although her attitude could improve, think her behaviour is probably quite normal. However she now always on the defence when it comes to DP.

I don't want too pull rank with the I'm her mum card, but don't think I've got much choice. Help :(

OP posts:
Teapot1984 · 09/02/2019 14:35

He's emotionally and psychologically abusing her.Your daughter comes first.Why are you letting him treat her like that?,show him the door.

OKhitmewithit · 09/02/2019 14:36

Why do some women sacrifice their children to keep a man

I know.

Please don’t OP. Get rid

CrazyKittenSmile · 09/02/2019 14:42

DP says I'm too soft. Says she's thick, that he can't stand her anymore & yesterday scared her by shouting to the point she hid behind me.

This is showing way more than red flags to me. What an awful way to talk about a child, these are the words of an emotional abuser. If it’s bad now what will it be like as your DD hits puberty and all of the hormonal mood swings that come with it?

You need to leave this man before he destroys your DD’s self esteem.

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SinkGirl · 09/02/2019 14:49

My stepfather was like this. We gradually adjusted to his worsening behaviour over time until it felt normal. Then he beat me up after I had a row with my sister - left hand prints in the side of my head he hit me so hard. My mum kicked him out... for a day, then he was back. She said she couldn’t afford to divorce him.

Eventually he impregnated another woman and went to rehab. Funnily enough she found a way to divorce him then. It affected my relationship with my mother for the rest of her life.

Please show your daughter that she is your priority. You are all she has. This will impact her in ways you can’t even imagine. You can tell him to cut it out, to behave better but do you honestly think he will change how he feels about her?

sprouts21 · 09/02/2019 14:55

Times her in the shower?

How dare he, the utter control freak.

SirVixofVixHall · 09/02/2019 14:56

He says “she’s thick and he can’t stand her any more” .
Op you have to ask him to leave, this is really appalling. She is still a little girl, she can’t grow up with this horrible man, why are you with him ? Why would you stay with someone who “can’t stand” your own child ? Who calls her “thick” for finding some things harder than others ?
I have never heard someone talk about a child like this. Sad

flameycakes · 09/02/2019 14:58

@sprouts21 I missed that about the shower, very very weird x

minmooch · 09/02/2019 15:03

You need to protect your daughter. She is only 9 fgs. This man is not nice. Your daughter needs you to stand up for her.

Get him out of your lives.

OnTheHop · 09/02/2019 15:05

OP, good that you are taking Dd out of his way.

Do not fall for him trying to be sweet and remorseful. It isn’t what he DOES, it is how he IS. He won’t change: it’s his horrible feelings.

Read your words again, in case you miss him, or in case a quite week (with you walking in eggshells?) makes you think it will be ok.

“his expectations of DD I think are ridiculous & he doesn't want anything to do with her. Sucks the fun out of everything. Picks at her constantly. For example, DD leaving light on becomes an absolute ordeal. times her in the shower & then complains. (She washes her own very long hair) Sets her up in situations where he knows she won't like & then easily causes an argument. She got an award at school, I told him about award. When DD went up to tell him he just said yeah your mum said, no well done or encouragement, DDs stomach obviously fell through her arse & was absolutely gutted “

You cannot live like this.

HerondaleDucks · 09/02/2019 15:09

Don't think your dp is cut out for this life. Please don't put your relationship over your daughter. A dedicated step parent would in no way treat a child like this. Please walk away from him before it causes lasting damage to your child.

AgathaF · 09/02/2019 15:12

I hope you come to your senses and get rid of him. He's going to cause your DD long term damage if this continues. It's your responsiblity to do the best for her, including not having someone like this living in her home.

I wonder if her current behaviour is a reaction to living with him?

Gina2012 · 09/02/2019 15:14

Other than leaving, any advice on working this out? I'm not taking this lightly I would just like to not throw away 2 years if it's a fixable situation.

You would put 2 years with DP above your daughter?

Mind
Blown

Biscuit
ImNotKitten · 09/02/2019 15:17

Other than leaving, any advice on working this out? I'm not taking this lightly I would just like to not throw away 2 years if it's a fixable situation.

This statement just beggars belief. Put your daughter first! She can’t protect herself from him, she needs you to do that. I don’t know how you can even want to stay with someone with such disdain for your child.

PhilomenaButterfly · 09/02/2019 15:18

DH also isn't DD's biological dad, I'd go nuts if he treated her like that.

YogaWannabe · 09/02/2019 15:19

I really hate the woman blaming tone I seem to take on these kind of threads because that is so at odds with who I am but I don’t think I’ll ever be desensitized to these things.

I’m a single mum myself and I’ve previously had a boyfriend for the same length of time as you but it took me that long to discover that he wasn’t for me and DD. In fact, there were enough ever so tiny yellowy orange flags that indicated he might not have ended up much different than your DP.

The timeframes of these things always baffle me because it took that long for me to twig, I can’t for a moment imagine him already living with us or feeling secure enough to speak to or about my DD that way.
Things need to be on slow mo when children are involved so you can weed out potentially dangerous men before foisting them on your children.

Iggly · 09/02/2019 15:23

OP I know this seems like a hard decision to make because you’re in it. You’re living it.

Sometimes it’s easy to accept things which others wouldn’t because your bar is set much lower. Maybe that’s a self esteem issue or a childhood issue, I don’t know.

But imagine your 9 year old self being told you’re thick?

I’ve got some stand out memories as a child and most of them are put downs and insults. Just the ones I remember! You want the best for your dd? Ask yourself what the best is.

I know someone who’s in a relationship with someone, two dcs from a previous abusive relationship. Her partner seems nice but he’s not that warm towards her children and is always pushing for punishments. It’s really sad to see.

Maybe83 · 09/02/2019 15:24

I'm glad your taking some time away just the two of you.

He can be replaced you relationship with your daughter can't.

I hope you have a lovely break and come back refreshed and clear minded to reclaim both your life's.

Jaspermcsween · 09/02/2019 15:34

Your daughter could be the world's thickest brattiest kid and it would still not excuse his treatment of her.

emelsie · 09/02/2019 15:37

Think it's very telling of what kind of person you are if he feels comfortable enough to tell you these things about your own daughter, if you were a protective loving mother there isn't a chance you would tolerate these things being said, I would be gone before he could even finish the sentence and it's sickening that your not .

changingagainagain · 09/02/2019 15:49

Your situation is very similar to mine. If you are not married to this man, own a property with him or have a child with him then I say get out whilst it's easy to. He will not change, men like this are bullies and have a need to be 'in control'. Seriously, your daughter needs you to be on her side no matter what.

exWifebeginsat40 · 09/02/2019 16:11

my mother let my stepfather abuse me from the age of 2 to when i moved out just after my 17th birthday.

i have had a lifetime of bad relationships and terrible decisions. i was raised by alcoholics (i would have been better off with wolves) and i drank to get drunk from the age of 8. i finally quit drinking at the age of 41. i haven’t had a drink for almost 5 years now.

OP, i have a daughter. i also had a second husband who was controlling in lots of very tiny ways. by the time i left him, hit rock bottom and sorted my life out, she was a teenager who lived with her dad, as our home life was impossible.

get rid of this man. please, just fuck him off.

i have never recovered from my childhood. don’t do this to your child, please. it’s a life sentence.

Bishalisha · 09/02/2019 16:15

It’s been only 2 years get rid of him before he destroys your poor DDs self esteem entirely.

Dramatic I know but I thought of Amber Peat when I read this.

MegaBat · 09/02/2019 16:19

Are you a troll? I hope so. Nobody can surely be this dense surely? Terrible parenting from you

MistressDeeCee · 09/02/2019 16:31

Probably is a troll. Dropped a bomb and ran, as it were. Just to get people all riled up no doubt.

Bananalanacake · 09/02/2019 16:42

just have a relationship with him without him living with you, you can still see him once a week but without him invading your space.

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