DP & non bio DD. Normal behaviour?

[treadcarefull]

Name changed as outing. Brief background as don't want to be identified. Single mum most of DD's life. DD doesn't see father nor is bothered by this.

DD 9. Highly energetic, inquisitive, poor short term memory. Very loving & thoughtful, easily pleased however can snap in seconds & is quite frankly horrible at times.

DP - of 2 years. lived together most of this time. used to be amazing, complemented her when she did well at school etc, wanted to go on holiday together, days out, play etc.

Now all of a sudden his expectations of DD I think are ridiculous & he doesn't want anything to do with her. Sucks the fun out of everything. Picks at her constantly. For example, DD leaving light on becomes an absolute ordeal. times her in the shower & then complains. (She washes her own very long hair) Sets her up in situations where he knows she won't like & then easily causes an argument. She got an award at school, I told him about award. When DD went up to tell him he just said yeah your mum said, no well done or encouragement, DDs stomach obviously fell through her arse & was absolutely gutted snapped called him mean & slammed the door ( don't blame her ) que another ordeal. She got a treat for good parents evening, she wanted to show it off to DP, he basically said it looked shit.

DD can be hard work at times (attitude) & it is hard to keep starting fresh after explosions but I feel positive encouragement is better than very harsh punishment & nasty words. DP says I'm too soft. Says she's thick, that he can't stand her anymore & yesterday scared her by shouting to the point she hid behind me.

I have no idea what's happened or how I have got into this situation? DP always says he just wants her to grow up and be clever & wants the best for her but he's always putting her down, she's 9 & although she has the memory of a goldfish, I think for 9 she's quite self sufficient & although her attitude could improve, think her behaviour is probably quite normal. However she now always on the defence when it comes to DP.

I don't want too pull rank with the I'm her mum card, but don't think I've got much choice. Help :(

The point is you and DD come as a package. He either takes both of you, as you are and loves you or he doesnt. If you don't want to leave him straight away you need to go backnto him and either tell him to sort himself out or he has to go. Those are his options, take it or leave it. Personally I'd be telling him to go too. Your daughters emotional wellbeing is more important than that bully.

Get rid of him, he resents her and will only affect her negatively.
Please wake up and finish it.

How did you manage to get her showered, dressed, to school etc before he moved in? You’re making it sound like you and your bad memory make it worthwhile stay with someone who bullies and scares your daughter (which should scare you even more).

You’ve been with him two years. So? You can have another boyfriend. Your child won’t get another mother.

What does he say when you tell him not to speak to her that way, not to criticise, abuse or scare her? Or have you not addressed it because you hope he’ll just stop of his own accord?

Anyone who says they can't stand my child anymore would be out on their arse. Simple as.

I feel that something has happened to you previously that makes you think that this relationship is acceptable for you and your daughter.

Your daughter is a child who doesn’t have her father in her life. It sounds like she has accepted that situation but it doesn’t mean she is not bothered about it. As you have said yourself she is easy to please, this could mean she’s already susceptible to accept bad behaviour if someone does something nice afterwards.

What would say to your daughter if she was in your exact position when she’s older? Because the chances are, if you accept dysfunction as normal, she could end up in a similar relationship or worst.

2 years is a blimp in the long scheme of things but for your daughters childhood that’s a long time. Kick him out and if you still want to see him then do it casually where your daughter is no longer involved in the situation.

All that’s changed is that she is part way to adolescence and he now has his feet under the table in the household and instead of welcoming her increased confidence, challenge and growth in independence, he is trying to squash it, as too many misogynist men do to young girls and women (criticising their behaviour, weight, appearance, intelligence rather than accept their equality). How is he with you?

How can you even look at a man who has called your lovely daughter thick? But, you ask if anything can be done. You would have to tell him the behaviours you find unacceptable, and expect him to work on building a positive relationship with her (zero criticism, respectful requests, praising her, finding an activity they enjoy together, helping her; also acting as a united front with you to enforce appropriate discipline and behaviours). If you can’t have that conversation with him, you need to question where this is going.

Christ on a bike. You want advice to continue living with someone who is abusing your daughter????? Really????

For fuck sake.

My DP is my DD's SD. He would never speak about my DD like that because he's not a twat and actually cares about her, but more importantly he KNOWS it would be over there and and then. Don't get me wrong DD is 14 and can be really difficult at times, but he can always see the good in her, takes her out for treats when she does well, always tells her how clever she is, even if 10 mins later she is being a cheeky teen!

Why does your DP think it's acceptable to speak about your DD like that? I'm sorry but you have clearly allowed this to go unchallenged, and I'm guessing he's become more opinionated as he has gone unchallenged. You clearly don't want to leave him, otherwise you would have done by now.

I do think you should leave, but as your post looks like that is unlikely. My advice:
-Tell him he is never to talk about your DD in a derogatory way, he needs to shows her compassion and praise her when she does well or you leave.
AND THEN FOLLOW THROUGH

As someone.who was a single mom for most of my dd life I would not stay with someone who treated my child like that.

I am lucky enough to have met a man who treats her with respect and loves her faults and all.

I feel that something has happened to you previously that makes you think that this relationship is acceptable for you and your daughter.

I agree. If you need some support to get him out of your house and build a better relationship with your dd, mumsnetters can help you with that. You can always start a new thread about it with a new name if you're not coming back to this one.

You should not even have to ask, leave him. He is awful to your daughter and will probably get worse not better as your daughter gets older and shows independence and starts not wanting to do what he says.

I had a stepdad like that and myself and my sister lost a hell of a lot of respect for our mum. We barely talked to her as teenagers as he just got so bad and she would just not leave him no matter how much we begged. In the end we both left as teenagers to stay with other people and it took her to divorce him for us to start talking to her again. Even then it took a lot of time.

OP how are you doing?

This isn’t fixable.

You are making excuses for him.

He’s abusing your daughter, you are complicit in it if you choose to let him stay under your roof. There is no excuse for ever belittling a child, calling her cruel names, openly saying he can’t stand her and making her afraid and miserable in her own home.

You need your head looking at it if you can still love a man and want him to stay living with you despite him bullying and scaring your little girl. Sorry if that offends you, but I too am hearing echoes of the Amber Peat situation in your post and your attitude is making me feel very angry, knowing yet another little girl is suffering because her mother is choosing a bastard partner over her.

Put your child first.

OP I was your daughter. When my mum realised that my step father was being horrid to me she spoke to him and he said all the right things about changing.

What he actually did was become more sly about his treatment of me. It was all emotional/psychological and he'd wait until my mum was out of the house or even just out of the room before he'd start. He even stood right behind her once making gestures at me to get out of the room and tidy my already tidy (but not to his standards) room. I would have been about 9 then.

He was a bully. He was unpleasant and made it clear that He saw me as a cuckoo in his nest. Mum of course did nothing as she didn't see or hear most of it.

She did eventually leave him but not until I was 30 and by then the damage was done. I'm older now than he was when he came into our lives and I can't imagine putting a child through what he did to me.

Think carefully about what you do next. You might talk, he might make all the right noises but he might also take his behaviours 'behind the scenes' and your daughter will be the one to suffer.

OP, it isn’t just the way he is treating her (which is unbearable, IMO) it is the example he is setting her.

That men rule the roost.
That mothers relinquish power to a man
That a normal family relationship is one where a girl is belittled and a grown woman disrespected by telling her how to parent.
That a man is more important to a woman than the emotional security and happiness of her Dd.
That children don’t matter
That girls and women don’t matter.

Throw him out, and invest in yourself and how you came to feel the need of this man.

Please get her away from him. You’re allowing a grown man to bully, belittle and frighten a 9 year old child in their own home. You already recognise that he’s setting her up to fail so he can have an excuse to have a go at her.

Would you stay with him if he treated you like he treats your daughter?
If he timed you in the shower?
If he shouted at you to the point you were scared for your safety?
If he minimised your achievements?

At least you would have the choice to leave, your daughter is stuck in this nightmare.

@Iggly overwhelmed, thank you going to a friends now for kids to play & me to talk to somebody. Have booked rest of the weekend and next week off work & plan to take DD away for a night or two. Gathering some headspace. Thanks ladies.

Keep posting for support OP.

If you really want to work on this issue then go ahead but he needs to be somewhere else when this happens. You need to put her first OP.

Op how can you love a man that is abusing your dd?

How do you feel reading all of these replies?

He resents a child, scares her, says shes thick, he cant stand her & is probably also jealous.

DD can be hard work at times (attitude) & it is hard to keep starting fresh after explosions but I feel positive encouragement is better than very harsh punishment & nasty words

You might find she can be herself when you kick him out, she will be able to feel secure in her own home again with a loving parent.

No more hiding behind you anymore.

Good luck.

OP why do you want to make it up with a man who’s treated your DD appallingly?

That’s really good. You’ll probably see quite a marked difference in your dd when it’s just the two of you.

What is your living arrangement? Is the house in your name?