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Original poster

DP & non bio DD. Normal behaviour?

165 replies

treadcarefull · 09/02/2019 12:05

Name changed as outing. Brief background as don't want to be identified. Single mum most of DD's life. DD doesn't see father nor is bothered by this.

DD 9. Highly energetic, inquisitive, poor short term memory. Very loving & thoughtful, easily pleased however can snap in seconds & is quite frankly horrible at times.

DP - of 2 years. lived together most of this time. used to be amazing, complemented her when she did well at school etc, wanted to go on holiday together, days out, play etc.

Now all of a sudden his expectations of DD I think are ridiculous & he doesn't want anything to do with her. Sucks the fun out of everything. Picks at her constantly. For example, DD leaving light on becomes an absolute ordeal. times her in the shower & then complains. (She washes her own very long hair) Sets her up in situations where he knows she won't like & then easily causes an argument. She got an award at school, I told him about award. When DD went up to tell him he just said yeah your mum said, no well done or encouragement, DDs stomach obviously fell through her arse & was absolutely gutted snapped called him mean & slammed the door ( don't blame her ) que another ordeal. She got a treat for good parents evening, she wanted to show it off to DP, he basically said it looked shit.

DD can be hard work at times (attitude) & it is hard to keep starting fresh after explosions but I feel positive encouragement is better than very harsh punishment & nasty words. DP says I'm too soft. Says she's thick, that he can't stand her anymore & yesterday scared her by shouting to the point she hid behind me.

I have no idea what's happened or how I have got into this situation? DP always says he just wants her to grow up and be clever & wants the best for her but he's always putting her down, she's 9 & although she has the memory of a goldfish, I think for 9 she's quite self sufficient & although her attitude could improve, think her behaviour is probably quite normal. However she now always on the defence when it comes to DP.

I don't want too pull rank with the I'm her mum card, but don't think I've got much choice. Help :(

OP posts:
Jess74 · 09/02/2019 13:01

You need to ask if this is normal behaviour?

Stop minimising and get rid of the man who is emotionally abusing your daughter.

Fairenuff · 09/02/2019 13:01

Says she's thick, that he can't stand her anymore

Then he has to go. There is no 'working it out'. There is nothing to work on. He hates your dd.

Get rid asap.

It's not called 'pulling rank' by the way, it's called protecting your daughter. You have to do it. There is no choice.

hotwing · 09/02/2019 13:04

I grew up with a step Dad like this and I resent my mother even more than him.

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TeachesOfPeaches · 09/02/2019 13:04

Jesus Christ. He has moved into your family home because it was more convenient for HIM.

Can't stand your child? Pack his bag and tell him to fuck off.

wishywashy6 · 09/02/2019 13:05

I have a nearly 9 year old DD who is all the things you've described (apart from the memory thing, hers is scarily good!) it all sounds like normal behaviour on her part but his? Not a chance I'd let anyone treat her like that.
Pull rank, get rid of him OP. He'll destroy her confidence if he keeps being that way with her 🙁

CazM2012 · 09/02/2019 13:06

My friends ex did this to her daughter at around the same age (coincided with them having a child that was biologically his) it destroyed her confidence! 3 years later she is under CAHMs has an anxiety disorder and has regressed so much she is struggling so badly at secondary school and it is affecting her whole life. Get him out before he ruins your daughters confidence completely!

MistyMaudMilou · 09/02/2019 13:06

This sounds very similar to my life. My own step father was exactly the same as this and has completely destroyed my confidence and self esteem. He has done the same to my mother and my brother. From the age of 5 to about 10 he was a wonderful father to me. As soon as I started to have a mind of my own he changed. Nothing is ever good enough- who I chose to marry isn't good enough, where I chose to live isn't good enough, my job isn't good enough, if I ever have a differing option on something it's obviously incorrect and it causes major arguments between my mum and him. In my teens and early 20's I suffered for many years with depression and anxiety. I really feel his attitude towards me is a contributing factor to the way my life has turned out. I struggle to talk openly in social situations and am extremely self conscious. Even my mum has admitted that she should have put her children first instead of the marriage to an emotionally abusive man, but realised this when it was too late.
I urge you to leave this man and concentrate on brining your daughter up to know and feel that she is loved and valued by you! The situation won't get any better. As she gets older and more headstrong they will probably clash even more. You really need to think about her future and your future as her mother!

YogaWannabe · 09/02/2019 13:06

*Jesus Christ. He has moved into your family home because it was more convenient for HIM.

Can't stand your child? Pack his bag and tell him to fuck off.*

Exactly.

These threads actually fucking disgust me and after the initial spillage of truth the usual backpedaling to stand behind and excuse the revolting DPs start.

OnTheHop · 09/02/2019 13:07

“Says she's thick, that he can't stand her anymore & yesterday scared her by shouting to the point she hid behind me. “

Out he goes.

There really isn’t any more to be said. He maintained ‘best behaviour ‘ for a while and now he either doesn’t ‘get’ parenting a growing child, or he is jealous of your attention to her or... who cares? His behaviour is what counts. And it will get worse as she hits teen-hood.

Out he goes.

Stardustinmyeyes · 09/02/2019 13:08

I've reported this op because I really hope you are a troll and not a real person who thinks it's ok for her daughter to be treated like shit

Lillygolightly · 09/02/2019 13:08

Anybody who had the audacity to call my child thick would be swiftly and sharply ejected from my life.

Here is a snapshot of what to expect in the years to come should you stay with this poor excuse for a man.

Your poor DD will become a shadow of herself and soon you won’t recognise the child you once knew. Don’t be surprised if she finds herself a coping mechanism be it self harm, food control, drink/drugs or whatever it might be. Don’t be shocked if that as soon as she is able she will be off and out from under you roof and probably with some abusive ahole who has shown has spotted her vulnerability and shown her the tiniest bit of affection. Don’t be shocked that despite raising her and loving and caring for her that she wants little or nothing to do with you.

I don’t say any of that lightly or to scare you but it is what your leaving your DD open to if you stay with this Man. Do you hope for a good relationship with your DD in say 10 years from now? Because if you do I can guarantee that when she gets older she WILL question why you stood by and let him treat her as he did. Also this situation you describe will get worse not better, as you DD becomes a teen the behaviour on both sides will escalate and I’d be extremely concerned of where this could escalate to and you’ll be stuck in the middle trying to protect your DD and trying to keep the peace and you’ll be failing at both.

Don’t think about now, think about the future, think about your DD’s future and what your hopes and dreams are for her/for you because whatever they are I am sure it’s none of the above.

LTB!

OnTheHop · 09/02/2019 13:11

You brought this man into your daughter’s home because HE needed somewhere to live. Maybe his gratitude is all used up.

Sorry, how can you even think of having him in your home when he treats her and talks about her like that?

Whisky2014 · 09/02/2019 13:12

You're pathetic for wanting to avoid breaking up with him.
It's like he wants rid of her...

diavlo · 09/02/2019 13:12

He'd be my ex-dp if he treated my child like that.

Springwalk · 09/02/2019 13:14

LTB

Not tomorrow or next week, but now.

He is damaging your child in so many different ways. Be very very glad you did not marry or have dc with him. You can terminate this situation effortlessly. I suggest you so immediately.

MistressDeeCee · 09/02/2019 13:15

You're calling your DD hard work, but not the utter bastard of a man you're with?

If I were in your shoes he'd be long gone. Fuck off.
& Then I'd work on rebuilding DDs trust and confidence, because she is seriously being betrayed here. For the sake of 1 bloody man, as if there aren't millions more out there.

It is textbook abuse, moving her to a point she's so unhappy she will do anything to please him. That's how this scum works

But even without all that, he's not fit to be in the home.

TheSmallAssassin · 09/02/2019 13:15

Have you said anything to him about the way he is behaving? If not you need to spell out ASAP that you will not accept your daughter being treated like this and that if it happens again, he is out. If he wants to fix it, it might be fixable, if not you have your answer.

accendo · 09/02/2019 13:16

Jesus! Why do some women sacrifice their children to keep a man? Your job is to protect your daughter, do it!

MoorMummy · 09/02/2019 13:19

He should be gone. My friend married a bloke ( now divorced) who treated her eldest daughter like absolute shit, and she let him do it. She’s still doing it now with her third husband. Her daughter had a child at 20 to an absolute deadbeat and had onl y ever had relationships with no good low life’s , she’s my god daughter and though she’s no angel, she’s a great mum and I’m very fond of her. She’s also beautiful but has no self esteem. She admitted to me at Xmas that her mums not the same when her husband is there but is fine when he’s not. I feel for her and this is what you are setting your daughter up for. It’s not fixable so just cut your losses and get out now. Put DD first.

Pumpkintopf · 09/02/2019 13:20

Says she's thick, that he can't stand her anymore & yesterday scared her by shouting to the point she hid behind me

Wtf? And what did you say when he said and did that???? It would have been a very short conversation for me!

Your 'd'p is abusing your daughter. You need to protect her, and get rid of him.

Fairenuff · 09/02/2019 13:22

OP what did you say to him when he said he hated your dd?

Surely that was the point when you ask him to leave.

Are you scared of him?

flameycakes · 09/02/2019 13:23

You are allowing him to abuse your daughter, you are as bad as he is!

Fairenuff · 09/02/2019 13:23

Ah same thoughts as Pumpkin. It's hard to picture the scenario where he says that and you don't respond.

MaudebeGonne · 09/02/2019 13:24

No, there is no way round this. He has crossed a line. If this was another child at school treating your daughter like this, you'd be in the school office, demanding something be done. But this is in her home and you are siding with him. Over her. Forget two years "wasted". It is a lot less than what you stand to lose if you let this continue. Even if you can't bear to end the relationship, he needs to move out. Your child deserves to feel safe in her home.

JustHereForThePooStories · 09/02/2019 13:24

You’ve allowed a man to move in to your daughter’s home and abuse her.
That’s 100% on you.

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