DP & non bio DD. Normal behaviour?

[treadcarefull]

Name changed as outing. Brief background as don't want to be identified. Single mum most of DD's life. DD doesn't see father nor is bothered by this.

DD 9. Highly energetic, inquisitive, poor short term memory. Very loving & thoughtful, easily pleased however can snap in seconds & is quite frankly horrible at times.

DP - of 2 years. lived together most of this time. used to be amazing, complemented her when she did well at school etc, wanted to go on holiday together, days out, play etc.

Now all of a sudden his expectations of DD I think are ridiculous & he doesn't want anything to do with her. Sucks the fun out of everything. Picks at her constantly. For example, DD leaving light on becomes an absolute ordeal. times her in the shower & then complains. (She washes her own very long hair) Sets her up in situations where he knows she won't like & then easily causes an argument. She got an award at school, I told him about award. When DD went up to tell him he just said yeah your mum said, no well done or encouragement, DDs stomach obviously fell through her arse & was absolutely gutted snapped called him mean & slammed the door ( don't blame her ) que another ordeal. She got a treat for good parents evening, she wanted to show it off to DP, he basically said it looked shit.

DD can be hard work at times (attitude) & it is hard to keep starting fresh after explosions but I feel positive encouragement is better than very harsh punishment & nasty words. DP says I'm too soft. Says she's thick, that he can't stand her anymore & yesterday scared her by shouting to the point she hid behind me.

I have no idea what's happened or how I have got into this situation? DP always says he just wants her to grow up and be clever & wants the best for her but he's always putting her down, she's 9 & although she has the memory of a goldfish, I think for 9 she's quite self sufficient & although her attitude could improve, think her behaviour is probably quite normal. However she now always on the defence when it comes to DP.

I don't want too pull rank with the I'm her mum card, but don't think I've got much choice. Help :(

He sounds like that step-Dad in the news at the moment because the step-daughter hung herself.

Get rid

Have those of you with a similar outlook also noticed how these men so often have a "housing emergency" early in the relationship? . Every bloody time. I have a colleague who has saddled herself with a complete loser who had a housing emerge after 3 months. She really can't see that 3 months is just to sooner to have a new man living with you and your DC. Especially your DC.

Have those of you with a similar outlook also noticed how these men so often have a "housing emergency" early in the relationship?

YES! There must be a hand book or something?

^ that and the miracle surprise pregnancy.

that and the miracle surprise pregnancy.

Yep!

I'm not one to think accidental pregnancies never happen as I've had one myself (on pill, no stomach upset or contraindicated meds) although since that I've always used 2 types of contraception (except when actively ttc obviously)

But they do seem to happen a lot in these relationships where it all moves very fast.

And tbh I don't understand yet not practising safer sex during at least the first year anyway - how many times do we also see cheats being revealed in that time?

that and the miracle surprise pregnancy. I am fully expecting my colleague to announce her surprise pg in the next few months.

It's an extension of the female socialisation issue. Men who get a 'housing crisis' expect their very new girlfriend to solve it for them and the woman does. I have a good friend who has done this with lots of men. Either has them move in with her or pays their rent or whatever. Thankfully she doesn't have kids but she's lost thousands of pounds and the emotional cost is even higher

@HollowTalk

I've rarely seen such an easy decision to make. This man is abusing your child and if you stay with him, you are guilty, too.

Agreed. This is easily solved. Get him out of YOUR DAUGHTER'S HOME. His behaviour and attitude is vile, you can't let this continue. If you allow this, then you're to blame also.

^ I posted a few minutes ago, but just saw this:

Other than leaving, any advice on working this out? I'm not taking this lightly I would just like to not throw away 2 years if it's a fixable situation. I just feel there must be a big something somewhere for things to have changed this much. If not fixable then undoubtedly daughter will come first.

Why not try saying to him:
"I think we made a mistake moving in together so quickly. My daughter is unhappy and I need to solve this. You need to move out while I do. We can continue to see each other, date, etc. but I need to make sure my daughter feels happy and safe in her own home."

If he's a decent guy, he'll do it. If he doesn't, then he's confirming what you know already, deep down.

Please put your daughter first. This man wishes she wasn’t there - is that what you want for her? A childhood of being wished away? My stepdad used to insist I got out the shower when he wanted to use the bathroom, even if it meant I sat on the stairs shivering for 15 mins because he had decided to shave. He sounds very like your partner. But luckily he’s not married to you, and you don’t have kids. He’s shown you his true colours early enough for you to sort this out. Please do that, you have someone who needs you to.

Says she's thick, that he can't stand her anymore & yesterday scared her by shouting to the point she hid behind me

There is no more than this... LTB and fast for your DD sake

He's bullying your daughter and you're asking if the relationship is fixable?

No of course not! Please put your daughter before this horrible man.

OP have you protected your daughter and got her counselling? Have you removed the child abuser from your property?

Sorry don’t want to sound judgemental but if anyone was ever that nasty to DD I would be going absolutely nuts and they just wouldn’t have the opportunity to hurt her again.

My step dad got like this - he starting abusing me. His negative behaviour coincided with me reaching an age when he saw me sexually and his horrible behaviour was part of that. He was dead nice after he decided to just get on with the abuse mind you. Leave him.