Parents of Criers Support Thread - Respite from the Screaming!

[MeadowHay]

Hi! I've noticed there are frequently threads on here from new parents of babies who cry A LOT and who are feeling stressed/frustrated/depressed/lonely etc. So I thought I'd make this thread and maybe we can chat and help support one another? Before I had my baby, I knew babies cried, but I didn't know they could cry quite this much, for no apparent reason a lot of the time. And I don't think other people who haven't had a crier, understand what it is like to have a crier!

To introduce myself, my name is MeadowHay, I'm in my mid-twenties, I have one baby girl who is 4 months old. She is a delight...when she's not crying. But she is crying most of the time really. She is a pretty good night-time sleeper which is a Godsend as I need all the energy to cope with her constant day-time crying and she only has like 30 minute naps in the day.

I have just scoffed some wraps down my throat for lunch and can hear her waking up from her 30 minute nap so I better get over there asap before she starts to...you guessed it...cry!

@sallysayshi @endofmytetherstether Hello, maybe? Hope you're both ok. I'm going to tag a lot of people I've seen in the Parenting forum with a crier...

@WTFdidwedo
@RLOU30
@SummerBabyGirl

Any others?

Oh I should also say that I am in Merseyside. In case anyone else with a screamer lives nearby .

Hello! Great thread idea

Oh the dream to have a peaceful and lunch haha! I thought he was asleep in the pram earlier so stopped to buy some chips thinking this was my chance and less than 10 seconds after sitting down he was awake and screaming  cue some passing walkers thinking I was awful ramming a couple of chips into my mouth whilst ignoring my screaming child 

To introduce myself I live in the birmingham area and my DS is 10 weeks now. He is lovely when not crying and smiles a lot but that is not very often!

Things he hates :

Slings
Being skin to skin
Being still
Me holding him (unless feeding)
Being in the pram when stopped or on a smooth surface (eg any shop)
Being touched e.g stroking hair
The Swing
Bath time (although sometimes tolerated)
Changing clothes
Being in the car when it's stopped at traffic lights
Dummies
Daytime naps (unless after being fed to sleep)
Tummy time

Things he likes

Breast milk (always wants to feed)
Nursery rhymes
Pulling stupid faces
Babybjorn bounce thing
CBeebies!

Being honest I've not dared try and get lunch or coffee or anything on my own with DD since she was born because the odds of the above happening are too high. She sleeps in the pram but often will wake within a few minutes of the motion ending. She doesn't always, sometimes she will continue to sleep for 30 minutes or so but there's no way of knowing and I can't deal with the stress of it so I don't dare. I saw a mother in the coffee shop over the road feeding a tiny newborn a bottle, must have only been a few weeks old, sitting dead peaceful and I felt proper jealous!!

Anyway don't feel bad, you gotta eat innit. The worst is when I go in the shower and she wakes up and screams about 2 minutes after I've got in and wet my hair aaargh.

Great idea OP I will be along shortly (after tackling stage 2 of bedtime saga) to share some of my tips!

Ooh good idea the likes and dislikes haha. Tbh I complain a lot but I do think it's a bit better from 3months+ cos they are more interactive so it is easier to distract them although the downside I've found is she finds it harder to go asleep, because she's more distracted, and then cries because she's tired :|

For DD, likes:

• Dummy, but not if she's in a big cry-y rage
• TV, mostly cartoons/CBeebies but she also likes cooking shows or people dancing like music videos and stuff
• Car journeys
• Being bounced on the exercise ball
• Water Babies swimming class
• Sucking her hands, which I try to limit because her skin gets sore otherwise!
• Nursery rhymes with actions
• Movement in the pram or Baby Bjorn
• Nappy changes - weird innit

Dislikes:

• Tummy time. Her head control is so good now I don't need to worry about it, but she still refuses to lift her head properly on tummy time like 90% of the time!!
• Long naps in the daytime, she just won't unless in motion for the whole time
• Strangers talking to her much, or holding her - well, anyone except me, DH, DB and DM. I can't believe this as she's only 4 months old but it's been a thing for about two weeks now and it's clearly stranger anxiety! God help nursery when she starts in 5 months time eek.
• Being washed
• Having clothes changed

I think your baby might dislike skin-to-skin because of BF? Mine hated skin-to-skin with me when I was BF but loved it with DH. Now she likes it with either of us if she's not already very wound up. I think she didn't liked it before because she could smell the milk or associated the position/place with feeding and it would wind her up as she'd just root etc.

Aww I had a crier. He's 6 now so those days are over for me but I remember it so well, and I have so much empathy with everyone going through it now.

Ds used to reliably stop crying and fall asleep in his pushchair in HMV because they played really loud music. It was like magic. Once I left him in there and went and sat the other side of the window and cried. That was a bad day. (I could see him the whole time, it was a midweek morning in a really empty shopping centre, the staff knew me I'd been in so often)

Sending love to all going through it right now. If you live near me message me and I'll take your crying baby out to give you an hour off.

Hurrah, my people!

I'm in Wales and I have two girls under 2, both awful awful babies, with a 17 month age gap. Our second is now 6 months and far worse than our first. She was not planned and I spend most of the time thinking she must know this and that's why she hates me

She absolutely hates everything except for me holding her under her armpits, dangling down, almost suffocating, facing outwards. For this reason I can only go out when I have her in a super uncomfortable forward facing carrier. I have a £400 unused double buggy and a buggy board attached to a single buggy that is also unused. I have left the house alone with both children approximately 3 times.

She's extra bad in the car. We changed car seats to a bigger one and it made no difference. She doesn't even tire when she screams. Her record is 40 minutes of non stop screaming. I had to pull over eventually because I thought she was going to have an aneurysm.

This also means her sister, who's almost 2, has spent 6 months watching TV because I can't put the baby down. And I don't just mean occasionally. I mean she spends 4-5 days a week watching Peppa or Bing for 6+ hours. It's fucking awful and I feel like I've ruined her for life. She literally wakes up and throws the remote at my head (they obviously both cosleep in our tiny double bed as they're shit sleepers too).

She's breastfed and not keen on bottles. She has a suspected CMPI so I haven't eaten dairy in months but honestly it's not made a huge difference to the screaming. I've also only spent a combined total of about 15 hours away from her in 6 months. I'm so fucking tired of it.

That was cathartic, thanks!

I'm exactly the same MeadowHay about coffee shops / lunch. Would love to sit and have a tea in town with a lovely calm baby cooing at me but I know he would instantly kick off and scream the place down! Cant even sit him on my knee, he is very strong for his age and is very good at headbutting / arching his back when he is upset!

Yes I think it's the milk he smells which is why I can't hold him, I've thought about going to formula but the small bond I gave with him is through bf'ing so I'm worried I would feel even more detached without it. He does use me as a dummy tho I think which is why it's only bf'ing that calms him down but not sure how to fix it as he won't take an actual dummy (tried about 3 different types!)

Knitwit101 sounds like you had a super hard time Bur it helps to know that it does get better and that you can come out the other side!

Yay! Thanks for making this. I’ll read tomorrow as baby has actually gone to bed and will no doubt be up again in an hour!

WTFdidwedo 2 under 2! Sending big hugs, does the older one entertain the younger one at all? I think the worst crying must be the car journeys as you have to concentrate on driving and it's so difficult with a screaming child you cant reach to comfort in the back seat. This is just my experience as a non driver in the passenger seat so it must be horrible to be the driver. Sitting in the back seat with him didn't make any difference mind even on the tenth rendition of row, row, row your boat!

I really want to go to a baby group but I have severe anxiety and I know he would just scream the entire time at me. :(

Yeah we're the same, even someone sitting next to her doesn't pacify her. I always try to make sure she's as full as possible, in a completely clean nappy and not overtired, but by the time the stars have aligned for all that to happen it's normally 3pm so I sack the day off.

As here getting older they're starting to take more of an interest in each other, especially as the baby is weaning, so I'm hoping things improve more in the coming months.

I always say I'll go to a baby group but the idea of them both kicking off and me being stuck in the middle sobbing puts me right off...!

Great thread thank you @Meadow!

I have DS 5.5 months. He was a much wanted baby after years of TTC - I thought he was my miracle when he was born. Unfortunately the last few months have made me so sad and has really ruined any bond I might have formed with him because he is so furious at the world and me most of the time

Likes:
BF when he's in the mood to - if I try to feed him and he's crying for another reason eg overtired he just gets angrier
Sleeping in the sling
Being carried around over my shoulder in a very specific position
Watching TV but I don't want him watching TV all the time!!
Ruining baby groups with gigantic meltdowns, preferably expensive classes I've already prepaid for

Dislikes
Being in the sling unless he's sleeping - so if he wakes up in it he is instantly furious!
The car
The pram
Being cuddled
Me sitting down unless feeding
His dummy most of the time (tried millions of different brands)
DP - so even though he doesn't seem to like me much I end up with him most of the time as the screaming just gets worst with DP

You all have my utmost sympathy especially you with 2 under 2 @WTF!! I don't think I could ever have another after this

Two under two here too! Both refluxy, colicky criers. The eldest one turned into an absolute delight at about 8-9 months, hence why we now have a second (they're 19 months apart). Currently listening to the baby complaining away in the next room (she's supposed to be sleeping). Always thought I wanted three kids but Fuck. That 

Some of these replies are making me cry - just remembering how awful it was when DS was tiny. I'm another one saying hang in there. He's 8 now and just an absolute joy, and has been since he was 12 months ish, and finally started to sleep.

To the poster who can't bear the idea of having another one, I have a 6 year gap between mine for the very same reason, but DD has been an angel from the start so there is hope after having a crier. I understand so well what you mean though.

They say high needs babies are super intelligent- I don't know if that's really true but DS is definitely a very very clever boy! Not much consolation at this stage I know.

You're all doing an awesome job. Keep going - it will get better.

I had a crier - my second DD. She was just so grumpy and miserable all the time, refused to breastfeed, would only take a bottle, obsessed with dummies as well.

She never napped more than 10 minutes in the day although mercifully would sleep at night.

Sometimes white noise would help - which I discovered by accident when she dropped off as I was hoovering by her cot!

I weaned her early at five months out of desperation and from her very first meal of baby rice it was like the sun coming out!!

By six months she was the most adorable, chilled contented baby and she has mostly been a dream since - but has always had the most voracious appetite.

Now at 12 she's tall, skinny and lanky - and eats like a horse!

Morning all!

Wow, two under two. That is so brave. I don’t think I could do it again especially with a toddler, which is quite sad actually as I thought I’d have more than one child.

Last night wasn’t too bad, one wake up at 2.30am then back to sleep. But then nights never are really that bad. So my DD who is nearly 4 months likes:

• Being carried around in the fabric sling facing outwards. I am managed to walk the dog on two occasions doing this.

• Feeding led down can sometimes calm her when things get really bad

• She’s not cried through swimming lessons a couple of times . She also loves baths and looks very cute in her little tub!

• Mornings, she’s usually quite smiley when she wakes up which lasts for an hour or so...

• She’s a Mummy’s girl. She will go to my husband but sometimes only I can stop the crying which means I haven’t been able to leave her. She doesn’t seems to like strangers, even my Mum etc. as we don’t see them often enough.

Dislikes:

• Car seat. This is a difficult one. We’ve never been so stressed in our whole life as we were taking her to visit family a couple of hours drive. She doesn’t calm, only gets worse. She goes beetroot and does still awful awful high pitched cry. Being on the back seat with her doesn’t help although occasionally you can play her baby sensory and it will settle her. But it means I don’t leave my home town much anymore.

• Pram/ ergo baby sling. This one is actually quite upsetting because I always had visions of taking my beautiful daughter for long walks all snuggled up in her pram, like the Mums from my NCT who are signing up for baby walking pram groups. Like the car seat she screams inconsolably.

• Dummies
• Like someone else said- tantrumming in baby groups that I have paid for and end up giving up on because of the stress

Things I have tried

• Cranial Osteopath

• Gripe water, infacol, gaviscon, ranitidine, water with brown sugar
• Trying to schedule naps in better- had some success with this as she fights sleep
• Giving up dairy AND soy- I think I may be starting to see an improvement as it’s leaving my system. I have prescription formula to try if not but want to keep BF if possible as it is the only thing that calms her sometimes!

White noise- doesn’t work, she likes complete silence at night!

There’s probably a few other things which I can’t think of right now but this is getting very long so I won’t waffle on too much!

Glad to have a place to vent to! It’s had a terrible effect on my mental health comparing my daughter to other babies at groups. I have stopped this and I have become quite resilient but there have been times where the crying is so relentless I have just broken down in sobs. Why me?! Why is my baby so unhappy? I must be doing something wrong!

Summer mine seems to have similar likes and dislikes to yours!

Yes two under 2 is honestly quite horrific. If I didn't have support from my parents and grandparents then I really think I'd have run away and left them with my family. Which is an awful thing to say really but there are far, far more bad days than good. I've probably had about two good days.

Last night was better than the previous night though. The baby only woke up three times for feeds, although my eldest was in with us from about 11pm and she spent most of the night kicking me in the head.

We get lots of smiles in the morning as well and occasionally during nappy changes but all goes downhill from there.

Booked him in for osteopathy his weekend but not expecting miracles! Got a 3 hour car journey next week to visit the grandparents which I'm dreading! Currently sitting in front of the tv watching CBeebies which I feel awful about but can't face leaving the house yet until he has had another feed and might potentially sleep for a bit, get so stressed about leaving the house I try and plan feeds to military precision for when he might be most sleepy/ least pukey

Nighttime's are generally quite good as he wakes every few hours for feeds but then goes back to sleep. He just won't go down to nap in the day when I would love a break aaaaargh!

Shame we don't live closer we could make our own baby group and just let them scream at each other 😆

I don't have any family / friend support nearby so it's really getting me down and dread my partner leaving every morning. My hv has referred me to homestart but the thought of talking to a stranger with my social anxiety doesn't fill me with confidence... but maybe if they can hold him for a bit so I can clean up that would be lovely!

DM has said about clever babies being like this but I think that's something people just tell themselves to make them feel better tbh! I was the same as a baby except I also didn't sleep at night hardly. On the plus side DM is seasoned with screamers and I live 5 minutes walk away from her so I see her most days. And it's good because it means although DD has now started stranger anxiety, she is close to DM and fine with her, so I know there is always someone she would be happy enough to go to if I needed to leave her with someone urgently or whatever.

So my friend is coming over later and we are going to attempt to go to a local café for brunch. I am very anxious about it but they are literally 5 mins walk from my house so if it goes sour we can just take it out and run home. I think a few people have said about anxiety - I have Generalised Anxiety Disorder and basically had problems with it since childhood so I get that. I find it hard to get out and about even pre-baby and it's obviously worse with a screamer! Luckily we moved back to my childhood neighbourhood when DD was about 8 weeks old, it was horrendously stressful as house was being renovated and still there is painting and unpacking etc to do that will probs never get done now, but it has meant I am able to get out the house a bit because I feel less anxious in this very familiar area as I grew up here. The local children's centre is in my old primary school so I usually go to the baby thing on Thursdays. Tbh I find that she is usually much better out of the house in other environments than at home, I think she just gets really bored here, but actually getting out with her is a nightmare because she only has short naps so it's so difficult to find time to get myself washed and ready, sort out changing bag, then there's always housework and bottles to do, yes to PP who said it's like 3pm by the time you can get yourself ready!! Then she always cries when I first put her in the pram carrycot and I live up a few steep steps so I have to put DD in pram carrycot by the door, put on my shoes, take out pram chassis, assemble it, take out changing bag and put it there, then take out DD in her carrycot and attach to pram, then lock door and if she screams throughout it's so stressful and I live in a street where people pass by a lot and just stare as well it's mortifying.

Sally We don't even have Homestart here, it closed down due to lack of funding! I had a few therapy sessions with a specialist service for parents of children under 2 before she was born and a few in the weeks after but I just didn't click with my therapist at all so sacked it off unfortunately. My HV said before she was born she might be able to get someone to help take me out to things if I can't go with my anxiety and I would like that as there's another children's centre nearby with some stuff on but I'm too anxious to go, but then I'm also too anxious to call the HV and ask so...also I get smiles in the morning and during nappy changes too! Weird innit?

Just popping in to say what a great idea for a thread. My terrible crier is 12 years old now and I still remember the relentlessness of it all as if it were yesterday. My advice is ask for help. Even if it's just someone to take them out for half an hour while you shower. I didn't get much help and it nearly broke me.

Meadow that’s great your Mum is so involved. Mine works full time but even so, probably wouldn’t help out much.

Sally don’t worry I have resorted to Peppa Pig for my baby! So it’s not just you.

I am lucky we have the children’s centre and library fairly close so there are things I can go out to if I feel up to it- which hasn’t been much this week.

Have had a good morning though, swimming went amazingly well. She was actually one of the babies not crying! Then she was knackered afterwards so we managed a trip to m&s for yummy weekend food, cake in another place and then onto a national trust afterwards. All with minimal screaming! Maybe I should take her swimming everyday to tire her out.

I cut out soy (substituted for milk) on Tuesday so now not having any dairy or soy and unless we’re just having a good day I think it has made a difference. Which I’m relieved at because I didn’t want to go onto formula.

Hope everyone has a nice weekend! I look forward to it more so now I’m on maternity leave as it’s sooo much easier having an extra pair of hands.

Sally what area are you in?

I’m quite anxious too (more so after having a difficult baby) but I find the children’s centre so welcoming as they have good hosts and everyone feels he same. They do baby sensory, breastfeeding group and some other stuff where I live. Rhyme time is great if you have a local library too.