Parents of Criers Support Thread - Respite from the Screaming!

[MeadowHay]

Hi! I've noticed there are frequently threads on here from new parents of babies who cry A LOT and who are feeling stressed/frustrated/depressed/lonely etc. So I thought I'd make this thread and maybe we can chat and help support one another? Before I had my baby, I knew babies cried, but I didn't know they could cry quite this much, for no apparent reason a lot of the time. And I don't think other people who haven't had a crier, understand what it is like to have a crier!

To introduce myself, my name is MeadowHay, I'm in my mid-twenties, I have one baby girl who is 4 months old. She is a delight...when she's not crying. But she is crying most of the time really. She is a pretty good night-time sleeper which is a Godsend as I need all the energy to cope with her constant day-time crying and she only has like 30 minute naps in the day.

I have just scoffed some wraps down my throat for lunch and can hear her waking up from her 30 minute nap so I better get over there asap before she starts to...you guessed it...cry!

I think the hunger thing was wishful thinking tbh as that would mean I might be able to fix it :( why would a baby suddenly develop a negative association with the breast do you think? If it's because of reflux pain I understand but if he doesn't have reflux what else might cause it? Mine too didn't lose any birth weight and I keep being told he's thriving as his weight gain is so good.

We've just got back from the hospital and they've prescribed omeprazole to be taken once a day and they told us to continue with rantitdine.

I hope everyone gets some respite today. Mine has been as good as gold all morning but is fighting sleep as usual. He's been awake since 8am and I'm rocking, rocking, rocking away atm.

WTF, coughs are the bloody worst. My first got one when teething and I remember the dread of it when nighttime came. She pretty much coughed for two years. It was hell. Hope they get better soon. Poor things, and poor you.

Fuschia, the aversion thing in my case is because I have a very forceful let down, and a fast flow, so he chokes a bit. So he’s not into comfort sucking because pretty quickly milk will come and it’s not comforting to him deal with it for him. He’ll only latch on without a fight if he’s exactly the right amount of hungry. At night it’s not too bad because I think milk flow is slower at night anyway. The usual answer to any kind of aversion is to lie down to feed, or to feed in a darker room with no distractions etc. Might be worth a try?

I went to the GP today and she was lovely, but thinks I have mild pnd. Exacerbated by a difficult baby, but still - she says she has a low threshold for treating pnd because it can linger on for years. Anyway, I have a script for happy pills. I told my husband, though I was thinking I mightn’t. I feel disappointed in myself, embarrassed that I can’t cope. And I’m afraid he’s embarrassed by me. I know that’s probably silly. I just wish I was a stronger person, and I’m sure he must too.

Sorry, fuschia - meant to write more on aversion, but got carried away with describing my own situation (how selfish!). Anything really can cause an aversion, but reflux is a really common thing - they associate feeding with pain. It’s most likely that, tbh. Do you feel let downs? How do you feel about your supply? Kellymom has a good article about fussiness at the breast - apparently very common between 6 and 8 weeks.

Thanks @badb. I did have a fast let down but feel like it has slowed recently. At one point I did feel like he was almost drowning in milk so maybe that hasn’t helped along with possible reflux. It’s all so difficult and all you want is for them to be comfortable and content.

I’m so sorry you’re having such a hard time. Please be kind to yourself, ts entirely understandable that you are feeling depressed when going through this on top of the usual strains of having a baby. I completely understand the feelings of embarrassment and disappointment as i feel the same way when I have days when I’m not coping well. It doesn’t help when you feel like everyone else with a newborn seems to be sailing through it but I keep consoling myself with the fact that I’m only seeing a snapshot of their lives. Let your husband support you and please look after yourself. I think you’re very brave to have spoken to your GP and hopefully the medication will help you.

Thanks badb. Eldest actually has a chronic cough and asthma pump already because of it but trying to get a not quite 2 year old to use an inhaler is laughably impose so she still suffers with it, mostly at night.

I'm just about managing to ignore most of the... "shortcomings"... of the baby these days but her inability to sit in the car seat is really starting to drive me crazy. I just feel so trapped all the time.

How is everyone? DD's been pretty bad today. I was in a bit of a state by late morning already but then she had a TWO AND A HALF HOUR NAP although every 30 minutes she woke briefly for her dummy and I had to rock her for a couple mins in her rocking cradle. But it was still amazing. Problem was I was so shaken up I couldn't really enjoy it. I sent in my flexible working request to work though and The Big Boss got in touch and said policy is to discuss it with me first prior to formally responding, she said we can do this over the phone, but I still need to arrange a time DH or DM can be on hand to watch DD, can't have her screaming in the background ! Has anyone requested flexible working before? I don't know what exactly she will want to talk about . I also got in touch with PALS at the hospital where I gave birth to DD and they are going to contact the doctor that did my delivery (ventouse, bleurgh) and arrange a birth debrief for me. It was hard for me to do that but I'm glad I did as I found labour and birth traumatic and I am not happy with most of the midwifery care I received when I was in the hospital (the dr on the other hand was great).

WTF Will she not fall asleep at all in the car? Or the pram? It must be really stressful if not.

Also nothing to be embarrassed about if you need help/medication/whatever! It's a tough situation to be in. Also when I take DD to baby groups and stuff I feel that way too about everyone else coping but really just the people you see are coping cos they're the only ones that are at these groups, iyswim. There are plenty of people who have it similar to us who haven't made it out that day, or never do! But we don't see them, because we're all trapped in our own houses innit.

I have literally just wept myself as Ds wouldn't settle and screamed at me for two hours. He's tierd please just sleep. Sleep!

Hi everyone, I hardly ever post anywhere but was moved to do so after reading lots of this thread and remembering how bone-crushingly hard those early months were with a crying, hard to please, non-sleeping baby... it really was the toughest thing I've ever gone through - and I was lucky enough to have lots of support. He was my first baby and I felt like I'd been hit by a bus. The exhaustion, anxiety and despair were quite something.

To give some hope though, from about 7 months my baby became a dream in comparison, and still is now (most of the time!) at 17 months. For us I think it was hugely connected with sleep - he started sleeping far far better at 7/8 months - but who really knows...! Anyway, just wanted to send out lots of sympathy and strength and hope for an easier time around the corner!

Mine has been awake since 8am and has only had 3 x 30 minute naps. He is really alert and will not settle even though he must be exhausted. I don't want to jinx it but we've had very little screaming the past 2 nights.

Still having issues with his feeding :(

Hope you're all hanging in there xx

Meadow
No I've never met a child like it! The car actually makes her worse and worse until I have to pull over. She has screamed solidly for 40 minutes before, even with someone sitting next to her the whole time interacting with her. She won't take a dummy and I can't put her in the front because my airbag doesn't turn off, not that that would help anyway. And even looking at the pram causes her to scream. She will only go in it if she is in a super deep sleep.

I have two carriers but she will only face forward in them, which is super uncomfortable for me (and probably her) so I really am not exaggerating when I say I don't go out. She's probably spent about 20 hours outdoors in 7 months because she is just totally unmanageable.

I can only ever go out when my mum or husband can come with me, but neither of them are free for much time as they have busy jobs. I'm sure my eldest daughter resents the both of us now too. Just hoping I can make it up to them in 3 or 4 years when they're hopefully more easy going!

Spangly, I’ve been there. Most nights still am! You poor thing. Hope he’s asleep now.

I don’t know what to do about the happy pills. I’m full of anxiety about breastfeeding and the medication passing into the milk. If something happened to him in the future, I know I would blame myself. I’ve spent half the day googling studies etc. Which all say benefits outweigh risks, but all I can think about is risks.

I had a big row with husband earlier. He wants to go out to watch the rugby tomorrow, kick off is at 5.30 or something. It would mean he misses bedtime for my toddler. That is peak screaming time for my son, and since he won’t go into a cot I have no idea how I’m going to manage. My dad is visiting for a few days, and my husband is just “let your dad hold him while you do bedtime”. But it’s really not that easy. I can’t leave someone else to deal with that level of screaming. It also means that getting dinner is impossible since he does all that while the baby sleeps on me, and then takes him for a bit so I can get ready for bed. Why can’t the baby just be a normal bloody baby? Of course when he said it a few days ago I was trying to be all cool wife. Now he’s angry because I said I didn’t think I’d be able to manage.

Spangly I feel for you. I think DD's screaming record was a little over the 2hr mark. And I mean full on screaming. I even gave her a bottle in that time and she drank it, screaming between sips of it. It was utterly horrendous, I called DH bawling my eyes out and he called DM and she ran straight over around the hour and a half mark. I am so lucky that she is there to help me when I get really overwhelmed as she doesn't work and lives very close by. There is no way I'd have coped without her, I dread to think what would have happened to DD and I and I'm really not exagerating when I say that .

Fuschia How old is your baby again? Sorry I'm rubbish at remembering stuff like that about posters. But DD was like this until probably the last fortnight or so then she occasionally started having longer naps and she is starting to have a nap of around 2hrs say every other day now (although she does wake briefly for dummy about every 30 mins). I think your DC is younger? DD is nearly 5 months. So with any luck when they get a bit older they will sleep a bit more. I think it's quite common developmentally. I mean there are always people whose babies sleep loads in the day but I don't think it's super uncommon for a few short naps like our babies, I have met mums at the baby group I go to that have babies that are similar with their daytime sleep.

Juli Thanks for your lovely message [flower]

WTF You poor thing. Tbh if you drove for longer she might tire herself out and sleep eventually? DD can scream for much longer than 40mins though if she wants to...shudders, so yours probably can too, and I can imagine it must be horrendous when you're the driver, to concentrate and that (neither me nor DH drive). Is DD big enough for a back carrier? I don't know what the rules about that are. Just in case that would be easier for you and she might like it? Could you try different types of forward facing carriers, is there a sling library near you or anything? Maybe you could find something a bit more comfortable? And you are right, it's awful but it won't last for ever, it's actually a small portion of their and your lives. Which doesn't help right now but it will get better. You are doing an amazing job, it must be so so hard but you are getting through it and hugs.

Bad I don't think the GP would prescribe it if they were worried about that surely? And same with pharmacist overseeing the dispensation. I'm sure many many women BF on antiDs, tbh the amount of stuff like that which passes through breastmilk is usually miniscule. But obviously it's up to you and I can understand why you might be worried, I was anxious when I was pregnant I had HG and was on 3 different medications and was anxious about that with the baby but then I couldn't help it anyway I was so ill I was considering termination even though it was a planned pregnancy, it really affected my mental health too. Also I know sorta how you feel about being cool wife then thinking about it properly later and panicking! That's what I did with DH the other day when he asked to go on a night out with friends. He was grumpy and upset at first but then got over it and think he understood just felt sorry for himself lol. Tbh though, whilst I'm not saying he should go (will you get a chance to go off and do something? I doubt it especially if you're BF?), I don't think you should feel bad about your dad or whoever helping you if they are willing. Babies cry, and some babies scream, and you can see from this thread that your baby isn't the only one that screams. And it is so tough so I think we should all take the help and support from wherever we can. I was anxious about my auntie and uncle and nan coming down a few weeks ago but they were really good with the screaming - well they saw me as a baby, and I was horrendous too!! So if you need DH to stay then don't feel bad about it (or suggest he goes and you go do something for a few hours the next night and he can have them both and see how he feels about that prospect??!), but definitely get your dad to give you a hand whilst he's there, I bet he won't mind.

Oh, Meadow. You are so kind to respond to my ramblings! And you are totally right. My Dad is happy to help, and he’ll be fine with the screaming. It is more my husband I’m annoyed at. Like, he should just know that it’s not fair to do that to me. But he has a history of thiughtlessness, really. He always makes sure he gets his breaks, but never seems to make sure I get mine. My family have been very good to come up weekends to help out, as he works Saturday mornings, and he always takes advantage of them getting up with the toddler and entertaining her all day so he can have his lie ins, naps, golf etc. But I never get a break. I’m so resentful of him, and feel petty, but I can’t help it.

I’m being completely irrational about the meds and breastfeeding, to be honest. I just know what I’m like - if he is not as smart as his sister, or shorter, or whatever, I’ll blame myself even though I do know that it wouldn’t have been anything to do with the meds. I have a ridiculous martyr complex, to go with my anxiety.

WTF, the car seat thing is the absolute worst. Is she still in the infant seat? I asked for advice on my birth FB group recently and one of the suggestions was to put the baby seat in the passenger seat with airbag off. I don’t know what the story with insurance would be - I’m going to ring mine and find out. Or else turn forward facing as soon as possible. Which I don’t want to do - my 3 year old is still rear facing! But I’m not sure I can carry on with he screaming.

Bad Have you spoken to him about it? Could you arrange to leave the kids with him and have some time to yourself/with friends/family? I know you BF but could you express at all for that or give an odd bottle of formula? I speak to DH about this all the time now and he loses patience a bit because I think he feels like he's under attack but I just try to explain that tbh no matter how good a dad or husband he is, unless they are a SAHD or take a significant period of shared parental leave, it is harder for a mum, to be at home all day every day with a crier!! I think I was really naive before she was born about sharing the parenting load etc and how actually it is way harder for me than him. Tbf to him I know he would have taken shared parental leave if he could have (he's a student, so not an option). Sigh. Anyway we have worked out a deal that I'm going to the pub quiz with some friends on Monday evening so will be out 8-11.30pmish. I am going to be exhausted the next morning but hoping it will be worth it to get out. Then he will go to cinema with friends after placement on Tuesday so won't get home until about 9.30pm/10pm which is not too bad because if I can't get DD to bed then he will be back at not a crazy time to help me. I think it will do us both good, but it is still more difficult for me when you consider I will be on my own with her all day til her bed time whereas he just has to have her for bedtime routine really and then go to bed himself on the Monday. Sigh.

meadow, I’m so glad you’ve got a plan to take some time for yourself. It’s so needed. I know I need to take my own advice, of course. We’ve had many rows about his thoughtlessness in the past. Tbh, it’s not even the actual time - it’s more that he never thinks to make sure that I get a break. I know that if I ask it wouldn’t be a problem, really. But I wouldn’t leave him with both kids because of the way DS is at the moment. I don’t think it’s fair. And I often encourage him to do things like golf or whatever on the days I know I’ll have help from my family. But he doesn’t think that way in return, he always just asks for what he wants, and can’t understand why I wait for an offer.

It’s funny though, isn’t it, and shocking, how quickly we revert to gender role cliches in parenting, even though we thought it would never happen to us.

Today was another bad day. Well, night really. DS would not take the bottle this evening for some reason, and then woke immediately both times I tried to transfer him to the cot. The first time he was ok, went back to sleep on me. The second time was a screaming nightmare for about 39 minutes. I really, really need to stop co-sleeping. I can’t take it anymore, it’s so uncomfortable, and my anxiety is through the roof lately about the dangers, so I’m not really getting much sleep.

I think I’m going to start the medication tomorrow. Even though I 100% know it’s situational and not true depression, because if DS started sleeping somewhere else for normal amounts of time that I would be ok. But that doesn’t seem to happening so I probably need something to help me get through until he does.

Bad and meadow I agree about parenting roles.

Me and DH have always been very equal, actually he does a lot more of the housework and is a trained chef so does most of the cooking too. But when DD was born I felt completely alone, partly because he just didn’t bond with her and the breastfeeding thing. I remember when she was a week or so old, I’d been up from 2am and I went in to him at 6am (he was on paternity leave) but slept through the whole thing. I screamed at him that he’s not a part time parent and to get it together. I make him sound like a bad guy, he’s not but he just didn’t have that maternal type responsibility come naturally so I became the default parent. Which shocked me and would probably shock people who know him as they thought he’d be an amazing Dad and very hands on.

It is fine now and he adores her, they have bonded but at night she only wants me. He hasn’t had to get up in the night basically since she was born and that makes me very resentful. I’m in our bed with DD and he’s in the spare room right now, which is working short term but I don’t want to co sleep much longer.

I’m going to keep trying to get DD into her own cot but she wakes a lot so I usually just give up so I can get some sleep. Do you think at 6 months old it might get easier? I don’t know if I am making it harder for myself by giving in but i just can’t function without sleep. She woke me up at 5.30am this morning. Had to go back out with the pram as she got overtired so she’s already back napping.

I’m not a morning person and I know I’ll feel better later on but this really is so hard.

Does anyone let their baby watch tv... my 4/5 month old loves Peppa Pig and I don’t have the energy for anything else today..

Makes me feel a bit crap though.

Omg, DD has slept most of the morning. I feel AMAZING in comparison. I had a long shower and shaved my legs. And just ate my lunch in peace. Ahhh. Is this what it's like for people whose babies have long naps throughout the day?? It's fab.

Peony There is no need to feel crap! DD has been watching telly since he was able to focus on the screen, so probs about 6-8 weeks old. She started off watching 'baby sensory' videos on Youtube and then once she could focus better on other things she's been watching CBeebies and Tiny Pop from around the 10/12 week mark. It's the only way I get some peace sometimes, stick her in her bouncy chair and she loves it. Also I find bouncing her whilst she watches In the Night Garden is quite successful at getting her to nap. As DM says, at this age they can't do much else anyway! Not sure about advice for the sleep, we've been lucky with DD and her nighttime sleep, and we've never co-slept other than a few naps here and there in the very early weeks. Maybe you could post about it in the 'sleep' section, you might get some helpful replies? I have seen some people break the 'only mummy' at night habit by just having dad do it and ride out the crying etc til baby is used to it. I can understand if you might not want to do that but it's one option. Otherwise tbh I'm not sure how else you can change that. Are you BF peony is that why you do all the night wakings?

Bad I hope the meds help, we are here to support you too .

Yep BF so always done night feeds. With co sleeping it is easier as now she’s bigger she can just roll over and feed! I suppose I don’t mind co sleeping too much.. just don’t want it to be forever and feel like I shouldn’t have to iykwim? I know I’m too critical of myself but I feel like I’m failing with naps/ sleep

That’s great you had a nice morning! It makes so much difference doesn’t it? It’s amazing what you can get done in a few hours when you have a baby!

Hope you’re okay bad, and the medication helps you. Sounds like the best decision!

How is everyone? We've been doing much better recently but she's doing my head in right now. She's laying in her cradle behind me screaming and coughing. Sigh. (Don't worry, just waiting for bottle to warm up and then will get her up. Although pretty sure she isn't hungry just tired.)

Glad things are looking up Meadow
I'm currently trying to figure out how to give up breastfeeding because it's just really exhausting me now, but she won't take a bottle or cup of Similac (I can't blame her as it's horrible) and it's the only thing that settles her so naps and nights would be unbearable. Sigh!

Hi all, I'm new here! @WTFdidwedo poached me from my own misery thread re: DS's sleeping difficulties and crying! Mine is attached to me constantly (EBF and co-sleeping help me) and can sense when I've put him down and snuck away! We're based in London. I'm going to pinch @sallysayshi's way of describing little one;

He hates:

Sleeping
Being put to sleep alone in a crib or sleepyhead
His movements being constricted so no swaddles or blankets near him ta very much!
Being left alone
Being too warm
Being in the pram and car seat- he'll scream and scream
Having his congested nose cleared
Gripe water- so if it is wind, he'd rather scream it out than take this!
Having his nails clipped!

He likes:

Being awake!

Looking to steal some tips from this thread to calm baby down/get him to stay asleep!

Forgot to add, he's 11 weeks old... I've been told relief might be round the corner once he's passed his 3 months milestone please God

Welcome, discopisco. Sorry to see you are in this boat. I was watching your own thread with empathy - you could have been describing my son. It’s so bloody hard to have a non-sleeper like this - people really don’t understand unless they’ve been through it (to wit: the suggestions to put the baby down “drowsy but awake”. Yeah. Sure.) My guy also can’t seem to just drop off when he is tired, or eat when he’s a bit hungry, he has to fight, fight, fight everything before he “gives in”. It’s so hard to comfort a baby that seems to hate being comforted. Mine is almost 15 weeks and while there’s definitely been some improvement (he’s better in the buggy recently), we haven’t turned a corner yet, unfortunately.

Operation cot is a bust. He was sick this week so I didn’t push it. Last night I just tried to move him to beside me instead of on top of me, and he woke up fully after 15 minutes and then was awake from 12.30 to 3. I had to bring him downstairs to settle as he was starting to ramp up and I was afraid he’d wake my toddler. I don’t know that I have the energy to try to fix the sleep problems anymore. I’m knackered.

I decided against the medication. I took it for two days and he was SO BAD in the evenings, hours of screaming, that I just stopped in case it was that. I might ring the GP again.