Parents of Criers Support Thread - Respite from the Screaming!

[MeadowHay]

Hi! I've noticed there are frequently threads on here from new parents of babies who cry A LOT and who are feeling stressed/frustrated/depressed/lonely etc. So I thought I'd make this thread and maybe we can chat and help support one another? Before I had my baby, I knew babies cried, but I didn't know they could cry quite this much, for no apparent reason a lot of the time. And I don't think other people who haven't had a crier, understand what it is like to have a crier!

To introduce myself, my name is MeadowHay, I'm in my mid-twenties, I have one baby girl who is 4 months old. She is a delight...when she's not crying. But she is crying most of the time really. She is a pretty good night-time sleeper which is a Godsend as I need all the energy to cope with her constant day-time crying and she only has like 30 minute naps in the day.

I have just scoffed some wraps down my throat for lunch and can hear her waking up from her 30 minute nap so I better get over there asap before she starts to...you guessed it...cry!

She's been an awful breastfeeder too, yes! I wasn't overly bothered about persevering but she won't take a bottle or cup so I'm still continuing at the moment.

WTF, that’s tough going. Breastfeeding is funny. I never got that “magical journey of bonding and love” with it, and honestly most of the time I hate it, but I know that I would feel worse if I stopped. Not that I have any problem with formula, my first had loads of I was going out or whatever, I never pumped - this guy will too, if I ever leave the house. I don’t know why I feel compelled to keep going. Both mine have been tricky feeders though, which doesn’t help.

Anyway, I’m going to do that awful thing and ask one of the two questions everybody asks on threads about difficult babies. Tongue tie? Sorry! I’m sure you have! My first had a terrible posterior one, which was separated but still seemed to give her problems, even with cups - everything just dribbled out the side of her mouth. The only cup that worked in the end was the Munchkin 360, and honestly I persevered with that one primarily because it was no spill, and I was sick of cleaning up spills all day long.

(The other question, of course, is “have you tried a sling”. YES!! And maybe I don’t want to carry him around in a fucking sling all day)

I’ve been trying to get him to nap in his cot for the last while. He can’t seem to get past a sleep cycle, if by some miracle he goes into it. So yesterday, he had six naps of 30 minutes each, and was like a bear most of the day. FFS!

Okay I feel awful.

DD is really struggling to nap at the moment. So I put her in her pram to nap and eat my lunch but she just wouldn’t stop crying and wanted to be picked up...

I raised my voice and swore at her. I regretted it straight away. Cuddling her now. Feel horrible, she always cries but I can usually cope and always be nice to her. . The crying hasn’t even been that bad recently.

She's been checked for tongue tie by three people with no sign of issues so not even that offers an explanation. The next appointment available is two weeks but if I get an emergency appointment I will have to take both children to the surgery for up to two hours and I physically can't do it. I'm speaking to my health visitor tomorrow to see if she can suggest anything. She had s good day yesterday and has been crap again today. I'm so exhausted by it all.

Please don't feel bad @Perfectpeony. She knows you love her. Unfortunately I shout at mine on a regular basis now. I told my husband I fucking hated her yesterday and that she'd ruined my life so that was nice.

WTF Thank you. I called her a fucking joke... I looked her in the eye when I said it too . And I threw one of her blankets across the room.

I think because of how awful it’s been I have a low tolerance for crying now. I’m going to learn from this though and next time just take a deep breath instead. I’ll probably feel guilty for a long time now.

I hope you manage to get to the doctors for the emergency appointment. I used to get so stressed going in that my husband had to take DD after the 4th visit so I understand how difficult it can be.

Peony, please don’t be so hard on yourself. It’s very difficult to stay calm and patient all the time. I’ve done quite a bit of the “put baby in a safe place and go calm down” in the last few weeks. I know what you mean about the tolerance - I don’t think it’s low tolerance exactly, more like catastrophising. I find that as soon as any crying at all starts, I immediately go to into despair because I’m already imagining myself at the point where he’s in full blown hysterics. Singing helps me. But I’ve done a lot of shouting too, especially at my older girl, who definitely does understand words, so that’s making me feel extremely guilty.

WTF, I’m sorry. I hope your health visitor has some advice. I know bringing the two would be very stressful for you, but in a way - might help the GP see how much you are dealing with? Like how intense it is?

DD couldn't BF properly and she didn't have a tongue tie, she had a high palate but nowt they can do about that. She could only latch at an angle, which meant that half my nipple always hit the hard palate, so BF was super painful for me. I EBF for 6 weeks and then combi-fed til 12, I now regret putting myself through it as I was an absolute mess, especially before the formula. And my nipples are permanently damaged, I mean they've healed but they're all scarred and bumpy . She drinks her bottles like that too, with the teat to one side of her mouth. Tbh I don't know if she still does, I will have to check.

WTF I think I've read some people on MN sort of force their kids into taking a bottle or cup by just going away for hours and hours and getting dad or someone to keep offering, in theory that if they get hungry enough they will eventually, but that sounds sooo stressful for everyone involved so I can see why some people might not want to go down that route.

Yes I shout at DD sometimes, stuff like 'what do you want??' 'why are you crying again??' etc, today I said 'fuck off' under my breath but it was more like 'oh fuck off' that she was crying than actually at her. It's not like she can understand but it still feels grim. It's like, before you have a baby, you never envision telling your 4 month old to fuck off do you?? . I feel that DD is getting marginally better as she gets older, but I am getting worse - like you both said, my tolerance has gone down, and also I agree about catastrophising, it's like I've reached my limit of crying so any time she starts up I panic and think I can't do another 3 hours of screaming and react as if she had already done that even though she's only been crying for 15 minutes or whatever, whereas in the past I could stay calm for a good hour or so, but I can't anymore. Today was a new low. Swearing and I called DH crying down the phone saying we should give her away because I can't look after her anymore. And also had some horrible thoughts which I can't even write on here nor mention to anyone . I feel so ashamed.

Nobody in Merseyside area no?? It's such a shame we can't all meet up! Maybe we should do a multi-way Skype video call with crying babies in the background.... Imagine.

It would definitely help if we were all near each other! Could head to a coffee shop and be the parents from hell for all the other customers

I think DD has a high palate but I hadn't given it much thought before. I kept meaning to go to breastfeeding groups but groups of any type fill me with dread really. I figured if I persevered long enough with feeding her then she would eventually need less milk, and it won't matter so much if she only takes a few ounces a day. I'm back to work soon though so feel like time is marching on.

I say absolutely horrific things to mine that I, too, would never want to write down. I'm really trying hard to control it but I've always had an awful raging temper and the stresses of parenting two young children is making it worse than ever. My husband is suggesting"happy pills" but I think my issues mostly stem around how difficult the baby is and I don't think any medication is going to help that situation yet.

Awful day today. On the plus side, he did three naps in the cot upstairs. However, they were only 20 minutes each, and he woke like a bear from them. I let him sleep on me for the lunchtime nap and he slept for two hours, but it didn’t help - he spent the whole day roaring. Bouncy chair/playmat were tolerated for 5 minutes max. He’s barely fed all day, I don’t know why. If I offer him the boob he screams like I’m torturing him. And it pissed rain all day, so I couldn’t even get outside for some fresh air. At the moment, 12 weeks is not looking good for the magical fix.

I keep fighting with my husband too. He offers to take him from me when he’s screaming and for some reason I won’t have him over. Why? It’s weird.

I said some of those unspeakable things today. I’m ashamed and miserable and hate everything. I do think I might need the happy pills. I know it’s situational, and that I would be ok if he stopped crying. But he isn’t. I need something to take the edge off my feelings.

Badb I would talk to the doctor and consider getting a small dose of anti d’s. Like you say, your situation isn’t going to change right now but it might take the edge off. Depression has an odd way of creeping up on you and you don’t realise you’re in the middle of it until you start to feel normal again. Also, don’t worry what you have said. I took the advice on here yesterday and have moved on. I said a bad thing in the heat of the moment, I know I love her more than anything and didn’t mean it. I actually told my husband about it which helped and we both laughed it off. It’s crazy to think how this little human has completely changed our lives in every way.

DD is 17 weeks now and she is a very different baby. She even had a cuddle with my mum today (whilst looking at me slightly panicked). So I think the separation anxiety was linked to her being in pain and wanting me for comfort. I’m wary though as I know teething is around the corner and I am getting screaming at night when my husband picks her up- she freaks out and only wants me. We used to have a lot of arguments over him spending enough time with her, I admit I would say ‘do this’ and he would do it then I have a tenancy to take over anyway because she would just cry because he’s doing it wrong. Vicious cycle really. Want help but don’t accept help.

Naps we are struggling with. I’ve had to venture out today several times in the pouring rain to get her down for her naps (which are 3 times a day) I’m absolutely dying to eat a pizza but I’m terrified that if I go back to eating dairy the screaming will start again. If I breastfeed another year though that’s an extremely long time to not eat yummy things. Plus Christmas is coming up..

Wow that was a very waffly essay

Thanks, peony. Yes, I do think I need some help. An episode this morning: I had to take him out in the buggy this morning as our cleaner was here, and I finally got him to sleep after a bit of screaming in the buggy. I was texting my friend to see if she was in the park too, and a man passing me made a smart comment to me about looking at my phone and not my baby. I burst into tears, and I basically have been crying all day.

peony, the dairy thing is so hard. I would massively struggle. Though I think that is my next option. Did you go to a dietician? Maybe they could advise re introducing a bit to see if she reacts? It’s hard worrying about going backwards when you’ve seen an improvement though.

peony the dairy thing is a struggle isn't it. I've been going since August and I actually lost 2.5 stone in a very short space of time because I pretty much only ate cheese and chocolate before! Asda do make your own pizzas for cheap that you can add vegan "cheese" to if you like, or just have with no cheese if you like. It satisfied my pizza craving somewhat. And I eat about 8 bars of dark chocolate a week Vegan "cheese" is just about bearable on a pizza in a tiny amount. Otherwise it's so shit.

Unfortunately it's looking increasingly like my daughter has further food allergies causing the problems. She had quite bad diarrhea after her first time trying egg last week. The health visitor has told me to insist that the GP refers her (and me) to a dietician so we're booked in next Monday when my husband is off work. My current plan is to move her on to solids enough by Christmas that I can stop breastfeeding and try to get her at least 10-15oz of her Similac milk a day somehow, as she is still refusing the bottle/cups!

Badb God I hate it when people make comments on such a small snapshot, I would've been exactly the same. I burst into tears in a car park once because I was struggling so much to get the two of them out of the car without them crying and I could see people staring. I turned around and went home in the end.

Sorry to hear about the allergies/intolerances and that people are struggling . Yes nothing wrong with anti-Ds, I was on them for a good few years before I was pregnant and they did really help me when I had severe depression.

DD has been alright the last 3 days or so. But it always been that way the last month or so - a few terrible days followed by a few ok ones and repeat. Idk wth is going on with her sleep these days though . It's not exactly better or worse, just different...she went through about 3 nights of waking pretty much hourly, sometimes twice in an hour, for her dummy, and go straight back to sleep once it's in. She doesn't even wake up fully, just keeps her eyes closed, starts to cry and root about for it, and as soon as you put it in she sucks on it, calms straight down and is back off. We've tried leaving her but then she wakes herself up fully and then you can't get her back to sleep without spending like an hour on it, or feeding her. We are lucky because once she's down for the night she doesn't feed til morning, so she sleeps anywhere from 10.30pm/11pm until 6-7pmish. Which is great, but torturous being woken up every single hour. My DM reminded me doing that is a form of torture!! Sometimes I think it would be better if she gave us half the night then woke up for a bottle and went back down again, having the uninterrupted few hours sleep. But I know if I get her up to feed her that won't result in that, cos we've tried it before, and she doesn't feed to sleep, so she will have her bottle and then you'll spend up to a whole hour trying to get her back to bed, at like 4am...it's grim, worse than what we are going through right now so . I am hoping it will settle down again. I really don't want to take her dummy off her cos then I feel like we will have much bigger issues and may end up needing to feed her at night to get her off to sleep, not to mention an increase in crying which I really can't bear!

That is not on at all bad, cheeky wanker!! I've pushed DD about in the pram with her screaming the place down before and me crying and everyone staring at us and nobody asking if I was ok or if I needed help. Why fucking stare at us if you're not going to even see if we're alright?? I also once had a random elderly woman in a museum tell me to put the hood of her puschair further over her cos the lights would be hurting DD's eyes . She was sitting there perfectly happy looking about at things which she wouldn't have been able to do as well with the hood further over her. Anyway I was fuming I just looked at her like and walked off.

Ugh the worst was when I was BFing. Everyone and their dog gleefully telling me that DD was crying all the time because she was hungry because I wasn't producing enough etc, despite her never even losing any birthweight, she put on weight fine as soon as she was born and I used to pump a bit as well and produce a fair amount then (I know production through pumping isn't the same as feeding like). Everyone except DM and DH was constantly telling me how me breastfeeding was the source of all our problems - and I did hate it cos it was excruciating, but everyone was constantly telling me like it was my fault for somehow selfishly wanting to BF, that DD cried all the time (hilarious as I hated BF, certainly not something I did for myself!!!). And lo and behold, we switched to bottles, and she still cried all the time. And everyone shut up and nobody had any further suggestions about why she might be crying....

Sorry for the rant .

Meadow, I got that all the time with my first (she was a awful sleeper too). They know better than to go on about it this time! I kind of hate breastfeeding too, though I’ll keep going thanks to my martyr complex. I do have days where I consider switching to formula to see if that’ll help conk him out for longer. But then I worry that it won’t make any difference, and then I’ll have bottles to wash and sterilise as well. I don’t know.

I did really want to not co-sleep this time. That definitely didn’t help my daughter. But unfortunately that’s not happening. He was up every 1.5 hours last night, but he goes back quickly once he latches on. If I try to put him in the cot, it takes a bout of screaming to resettle him (every 30 minutes!). So I don’t bother.

Bad what an absolute arsehole! I would always like to think that if someone said something like that to me, I’d have a good comeback and put them in their place. In reality I know I would just break down and cry too! So fucking what if you want to look at your phone. Urgghhh vile little man.

I haven’t read all the updates properly but sleep = nightmare at the moment. Running out of ideas! I feel like it will never get better, I’ve forgotten what a full night sleep looks like.

I am so going to Asda to build my own dairy free pizza WTF, thanks for the tip

bad Obv it's only my personal experience but switching to formula made no difference to DD's crying, or her sleep. I had to switch because BF was so agonisingly painful for me and it was making me seriously depressed so I don't regret it, but it had no measurable impact on DD's behaviour. And there are downsides - having to make up bottles, washing and sterilising, it's just generally less convenient than being able to pick up baby and plop them straight at food source not warm up bottles put bib on etc first with a crying wriggling baby, means you need to take less stuff out and about with you, and for me the only thing I really missed about it was that as DD stil cried all the time, I had lost the thing that always, without fail, would make her stop crying. At that age she would never refuse a feed but I appreciate as she got bigger that might have changed.

Meadow, up to 7 weeks, my fella would only breastfeed to sleep. Now if I offer him boob and he’s not hungry, it’s like I am trying to poison him. Will not feed to sleep, except at night. Boob gives no comfort at all. Stressful, since like your little one, it was my ultimate fix on my daughter.

Hope everyone has had a nice day.

I co slept last night rather than trying to put her in her cot and it was a lot better. I think during this sleep regression I’ll just bring her in to my bed now without battling. She is currently asleep in her own cot now though.

My husband made me a dairy free chocolate cake today which was nice. I was really annoyed earlier because I managed to fall asleep on the sofa and then the dog woke me up barking! Sounds awful, as she used to be my baby but my dog is really getting on my nerves atm it’s like I don’t have patience for her anymore!

I have bought one of those wooden advent calendars to decorate from Hobby Craft so I have something nice to do in the evenings. I am a bit depressed about my hair loss, it’s coming out loads and I have a noticeable receding hairline! I’m taking breastfeeding vitamins in the hope it will improve. Going to have to adjust how I tie my hair up so I can hide it a bit better.

Peony, I’m glad you had a better night. I’ve co-slept from the beginning, and while I would prefer not to, it has meant that nights are bearable and not filled with daytime’s manic screaming. He’s up every 2 hours though, but he settles very quickly on me. I know I am making a rod for my own back (and yes, I am - this is exactly how it went with my daughter, and while she did eventually go into the cot, she was a dreadful sleeper, waking multiple times a night and impossible to settle back until she was 2.5). However, in the short term, I’m able to get through the days.

Operation cot sleeps is going ok. He’s gone into the cot for most naps, though they have only lasted 20-30 minutes each. I can’t resettle him once he wakes, unfortunately. I’ve tried for the buggy for longer naps, but it’s 50/50 whether it works - he still wakes after 20 minutes, and he might go back to sleep, or he might have a hysterical screaming fit. I would really like to get him into the cot for the early part of the night. My husband and I could do with some alone time. That’s another source of stress to me.

We had an ok weekend. Took my daughter to soft play yesterday, and he screamed all the way in the car, but then slept on the way home. Today we went to the park, and he was a disaster in the buggy. My husband took him away while I played with my little girl in the park, and couldn’t settle him. Eventually he screamed himself to sleep in my arms, after refusing multiple offers of feeds (I’m pretty sure most of the park saw my nipple). I suppose he had a taster of what my days are like.

Anyway, hope the rest of you are doing ok.

Just found this thread- can I join?
My 16 week little girl has silent reflux, barely naps or sleeps at night and loves to cry. I have anxiety due to this and struggle to get out of the house some days because I worry about her crying. It's slowly getting better but when she was first born I had some very dark days.

Welcome eleven . Sorry things have been so tough for you. Have you tried all the various medications available for the reflux? If not, at least you have other avenues you can try yet that might improve things? I find it gets slightly better the older they get, although my DD doesn't have reflux or any medically discernible reason for her crying so not sure whether that changes things.

Sorry park trip didn't go well bad but glad operation cot sleep is going ok. DD is napping better in the daytime now, she only used to have 30min naps but now is having one or two naps of like 2hrs long which is amazing! Although she does wake briefly once or twice in the middle for her dummy but then goes back off. The downside is that although she still isn't feeding over night thank God, she wakes up hourly for her dummy, which is grim. But from browsing the 'sleep' forums it seems that this is common at this age and babies without a dummy often still wake hourly but with no easy and quick way to get them back to sleep, so I guess we are keeping the dummy!!

I don't remember, do your babies have dummies peony and bad? I think DD's sleep is all cos of the dummy really. She really relies on it for sleep, which has its downsides, but we would be totally lost without it. I don't like how much time she spends awake and sucking it either but it's that or screaming so...

Bad, I definitely don’t agree with that saying making a rod for your own back. You do what you think is best for your baby at that time and anything you need to get yourself through the day. You’re doing a great job!

Meadow, I’ve offered a dummy but unfortunately she won’t accept it and uses me as a human dummy instead!

Hi Eleven, I was exactly the same. What meds have you tried? We thought silent reflux for a while but it turned out to be dairy. DD was awful for ages and I had to force myself to go out. I found groups like rhyme time quite a good start as it’s relaxed, only for half an hour and you can leave if you need to. The crying for us got better around that time, DD is like a different baby and I honestly don’t even get that anxious about taking her out anymore. It will get better, once you’ve coped with a colicky/reflux baby you can cope with anything!

Thanks @MeadowHay
She has been on ranitidine for about 6 weeks now. Dosage has been upped three times so far but am struggling to give it to her during the night. She refuses to take it, throwing her head from side to side and clamping her mouth shut. If I try to make her take it she ends up distressed and crying. Problem is now she is also crying when I try and give it to her in the day. Sometimes so much she goes bright red in the face.
She hates napping - will cry when being rocked to sleep, will only do 30mins at a time and then wakes up crying because I guess she is still tired.
I find it hard when I meet up with the other mums at groups because I always have the crying baby. Get tired of the looks of pity and 'it will pass' comments. I know it will pass but when I'm in the middle of it and have days of crying, it doesn't bloody feel like it.