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Parenting

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Original poster

4 yo keeps really hurting baby brother

162 replies

Verrie69 · 27/09/2018 12:26

My 4 yo has witnessed some violence from his father and has always been shy and more of an introvert from this he started school this year and he seems to have got much better he saw someone for 12 weeks when his father was arrested and that was the longest they could give him especially as he had improved. My baby boy is 3 months and is really hard work he cries and cries and there's nothing wrong with him I can't always cuddle him and I don't enjoy sitting cuddling him when he's screaming and doesn't stop. I let him calm in his crib and I take myself away for a bit as I find it very hard im unsure if my eldest has sort of seen how i am finding it hard when he cries but he tends to hurt baby his dad was never around for the baby so he can't have seen from his dad. But my 3 mo has had scratches and little pinch bruises on him when questioned he always admits he did it but since I've been telling him off for it he lies. It's also so simple to say oh never leave them alone they are along when I go to the toilet or have a bath if baby is crying I cannot have him in the same room after i have tried everything so he is alone then too although that is easier as I keep eldest distracted also yesterday they stayed at neighbours house after a bit of an emergency and he had come home with more marks the neighbour looked at me really oddly and said that "your baby needs to see a doctor" really rudely i think she completely judged me and I don't know what she was implying I just don't know how to solve this

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Bodear · 27/09/2018 12:29

Op I don’t have the experience to offer words of advice other than you need some real help and it sounds like you need it fast. Commenting to bump this really and hope someone with more experience will be along soon.

Aprilshowersnowastorm · 27/09/2018 12:32

I would guess your 4yo is an actual danger to your baby and yes you need to be there to ensure nothing happens. It's called parenting. Your neighbour I would say has witnessed something she doesn't want to spell out to you. See a hv if you are struggling with your baby crying.
It's tough with 2 I know but you need to take responsibility for them.

Original poster

Verrie69 · 27/09/2018 12:34

Thank u I am just finding things all a bit hard i am staying calm though and making sure i make correct choices as i want to be a good mum. my eldest had the help before and responded really well to the help but he is a very different personality than he was before i am worried for my little boy but i am praying this all gets sorted and he never remembers a thing which is what i always wanted for my eldest son but unfortunately he was a little too old

OP posts:

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Original poster

Verrie69 · 27/09/2018 12:35

I am taking responsibility for them but i have to have a bath and go to the toilet i cannot physically be with 1 of them during that time

OP posts:

60sname · 27/09/2018 12:36

Can't you take one of them into the bathroom with you?

mikado1 · 27/09/2018 12:37

I really feel for you OP but the fact you say he admits suggests you're not there.. guidance is to never leave an u/5 alone with a baby so it's essential you're there all the time to prevent. My ds2 wouldn't have survived infancy if I'd left him alone with then 3.5yo! Good luck, it's v v difficult.

Aprilshowersnowastorm · 27/09/2018 12:38

You need a play pen /travel cot to put the baby safely out of the way, take the 4 yo with you to the loo.

Foodylicious · 27/09/2018 12:39

I think you need to get in touch with your HV .
It may well be purely down to jealousy of new baby and not related to previous experiences much at all.
But either way, someone needs to help you find a way to always have one of them with you during this phase at least.

Can you have a bouncer in the bathroom for baby?
We had a really cheap 2nd one for upstairs.

Have you got some o going support for You? Sounds like you have been through an awful lot

Original poster

Verrie69 · 27/09/2018 12:40

No i cannot because i will go mad if i cannot just have those 2 minutes my health visitor told me to make sure i just get those couple of minutes thinking time my 4 yo could come in i suppose but he wont sit there while im in the bath and gross for him to be in when im using the bathroom. if my baby is asleep i do my best to put him in there with me in his bouncer but if he's crying then no i just cant

is there not another solution

OP posts:

GreasyHairDoNotCare · 27/09/2018 12:42

I'm sorry but the safety of your baby is more important than those two minutes alone. I get that you need them I really do but whilst your 4 year old is behaving like this you cannot leave them alone together.

Foodylicious · 27/09/2018 12:42

Admittedly I just have the one (#2 due any day)
But myself and the 4yr old bath and shower together.
So I run a bath for him and then I get in too and have a shower as it's over the bath.

I plan to keep doing this with baby in bouncer chair.

Original poster

Verrie69 · 27/09/2018 12:42

But how is it more important if it makes me not cope

OP posts:

mikado1 · 27/09/2018 12:43

Have your bath when they're asleep. I wouldn't have dreamt of a bath when they're awake. Thinking time while baby sleeps and stock on reply for 4yo. There's really no time you can leave them alone. Get out as much as possible with baby in pram/sling, 4yo cam play in park while you sit and watch. Honestly, I'd be lowering standards all round so you can rest and breathe but leaving them alone is not an option,clearly.

Foodylicious · 27/09/2018 12:43

Would 4 yr old watch something on your phone/a tablet?

Haworthia · 27/09/2018 12:44

Stop making excuses. You can’t leave them alone together. Have a bath when your eldest is at school, or in the evening when he’s in bed. We all have to do things like that when our children are little.

Also, when your neighbour handed your children back to you and said “the baby needs to see a doctor” did you not think to ask what they meant?

I think you do need to see a doctor though, or a health visitor. Show them the bruises on your baby and ask for help. Help for your older boy and help for you, because if you can’t manage to keep your children safe and monitored at all times, they might be able to suggest some strategies or outside help, Home Start for example.

GreasyHairDoNotCare · 27/09/2018 12:45

Because one day OP your four year old could seriously hurt your baby. Children that age can't comprehend consequences like an adult. Scratches and pinch marks could turn into so much more in a matter of minutes.

I don't mean to scare you. If you feel you are not coping the HV and GP are the people you need to see

Foodylicious · 27/09/2018 12:45

Can you ask your HV about your local sure start?
Sometimes they have a person that can come and help you in home for the odd hour here and there.

StuntBottom · 27/09/2018 12:45

Can you put the baby in a bedroom in a Moses basket or cot while you go the loo? You can put a catch on the door too high up for the older child to reach. Not sure I'd be comfortable doing that for the length of a bath but it would buy you a couple of minutes.

Aprilshowersnowastorm · 27/09/2018 12:45

If your neighbour reports you then will you accept some blame?

scrivette · 27/09/2018 12:45

It's not gross for your little boy to be in the bathroom with you, especially when the safety of your baby is at stake.

Could you bring him in with you and if you need the loo pop him into the (empty) bath with a couple of toys for a few moments.

You could have your alone time when the baby is napping, put the tv on for the eldest and have a cup of tea in peace.

It sounds like you are really struggling and I hope things get easier for you, but you must make sure the children are not left alone together.

mikado1 · 27/09/2018 12:46

stick on telly not stock on reply, eyeroll!

mikado1 · 27/09/2018 12:47

And all-important dedicated time to 4yo each day to fill his cup. Reading with baby sleeping in arms, play etc. Really really matters to them.

Original poster

Verrie69 · 27/09/2018 12:47

I have often had a bath when he's asleep but he will get up the water noise wakes him up and he will then purposely go into my room where baby is and i swear he does that on purpose as he knows it annoys me but why he'd want to do that is beyond me maybe he finds it so hilarious me jumping out the bath to get him away from baby because as i know what he's like i will obviously do what i can to not allow it. he is so secretive with it and you cannot even let him kiss him or touch him when we are out because he just will find a way. I have let him kiss him before and he will dig his tooth into him it's such a nightmare. i barely go out with the boys its too much really and he's busy with school now so it is not to bad

OP posts:

SnuggyBuggy · 27/09/2018 12:48

You need to talk honestly about what is happening with GP and HV. You need some support

mikado1 · 27/09/2018 12:48

I remember having both in the bathroom with me- and 3.5yo zipping me up with baby in arms/feeding. It's very normal OP, sometimes knowing we've all done it helps. Forget gross!

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