4 yo keeps really hurting baby brother

[Verrie69]

My 4 yo has witnessed some violence from his father and has always been shy and more of an introvert from this he started school this year and he seems to have got much better he saw someone for 12 weeks when his father was arrested and that was the longest they could give him especially as he had improved. My baby boy is 3 months and is really hard work he cries and cries and there's nothing wrong with him I can't always cuddle him and I don't enjoy sitting cuddling him when he's screaming and doesn't stop. I let him calm in his crib and I take myself away for a bit as I find it very hard im unsure if my eldest has sort of seen how i am finding it hard when he cries but he tends to hurt baby his dad was never around for the baby so he can't have seen from his dad. But my 3 mo has had scratches and little pinch bruises on him when questioned he always admits he did it but since I've been telling him off for it he lies. It's also so simple to say oh never leave them alone they are along when I go to the toilet or have a bath if baby is crying I cannot have him in the same room after i have tried everything so he is alone then too although that is easier as I keep eldest distracted also yesterday they stayed at neighbours house after a bit of an emergency and he had come home with more marks the neighbour looked at me really oddly and said that "your baby needs to see a doctor" really rudely i think she completely judged me and I don't know what she was implying I just don't know how to solve this

Agree that the '2 minute to yourself' advice has been taken wayyyy too literally. HV said the exact same words to me 8'weeks ago when I told her DD had colic.

DD is 10 weeks old now and I'm just having my 2nd bath! She's asleep downstairs with dad, otherwise I couldn't have a bath at all. I've mastered the art of a quick shower, either with DD in bouncer beside me or having a nap in her cot. That's life with a newborn without any other compounding issues.

Glad you have got a doctor's appointment OP. Hang in there things will get better. Great that you have rung your GP. They are there to help. Please be honest and get the help you all deserve. x

I'm glad you are going to see a doctor, please get them to check the little one out for any hidden injuries.

I really hope you get the right help and that everything works out for you

Just want to say thanks for the bath suggestion he enjoyed it a lot and we read a bath book together. I put him to bed and got back in the bath and it was good baby cried which woke him up and we are all up again now which is a nightmare but definitely the bath suggestion was nice

You know that your 4yo is harming your baby when you have a bath yet you continue to do so and allow this to keep happening. Sorry OP but this is completely irresponsible. You need to ensure that you have one of them in the bathroom with you to prevent any further incidents. Also, I cannot fathom why it’s ‘gross’ for the 4yo to be in the bathroom with you when you’re using the toilet. I have a 4yo, a 2yo and a 1week old and I NEVER get to have a minute to myself and this includes going to the loo when I’m frequently interrupted but I don’t mind as that’s all part and parcel of being a parent.
You need to speak to your HV/GP and get some help as it’s possibly only a matter of time before your 4yo does something serious. It’s not his fault either, he’s only 4 and is probably struggling to express his feelings and taking it out on the easy target but you have to protect them both and this means getting your 4yo some help to deal with his worries etc.

Sorry OP. Probably could have been a bit more supportive there! Couple of suggestions that may help:

1. Self referral to NHS Talking Therapies. I’ve used them in the past for PND and they were brilliant and can really help provide you with strategies to help you cope better, manage anxieties etc
2. Involve your 4yo as much as possible with the baby. Even simple things like asking him to sing baby a song at bedtime, tell a story, to helping you with nappy changes (pass the nappy, make funny faces to the baby whilst you change them etc)
3. Offer LOTS of praise to 4yo about anything they do to help. Tell them frequently how much the baby loves them and how when the baby is a bit bigger they will be able to play together and have fun (and that you understand baby is a bit boring for them right now)
4. When baby is screaming try to make light of it to 4yo so they know there isn’t anything to be concerned about. We had this with DS2 and we went from DS1 being upset every time DS2 cried to ‘Uh oh mummy here he goes again he’s going craaaaazeeeeee (giggle giggle)’
5. Try carrying baby in a sling at home. This may do wonders to settle him and will give your your hands back to play with 4yo etc

I hope you manage to get some help, good luck!

You can do this, it will take time but you can

Sorry are you for real? You leave your crying baby while you get a bath? While your other child is admittedly harming him?

Fuck your bath and take one of your children in with you. Your children come first ALWAYS!!!!!

I have been through PND. I’ve struggled more than I’d have believed possible. I’ve literally been on the verge of insanity. But I have never once compromised the safety of my baby or put my needs before his. I don’t think PND is an excuse for risking your baby’s life and letting him be injured.

Exactly!

OP you cannot tell whether a baby has a fracture just by looking at them! There’s a possibility your 4 year old has already seriously injured your baby while you weren’t supervising and that may be accounting for the continual crying!

You need to get your baby checked out!

How are you doing @Verrie69?

Was the GP able to help? Have you also called the HV?