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Original poster

4 yo keeps really hurting baby brother

162 replies

Verrie69 · 27/09/2018 12:26

My 4 yo has witnessed some violence from his father and has always been shy and more of an introvert from this he started school this year and he seems to have got much better he saw someone for 12 weeks when his father was arrested and that was the longest they could give him especially as he had improved. My baby boy is 3 months and is really hard work he cries and cries and there's nothing wrong with him I can't always cuddle him and I don't enjoy sitting cuddling him when he's screaming and doesn't stop. I let him calm in his crib and I take myself away for a bit as I find it very hard im unsure if my eldest has sort of seen how i am finding it hard when he cries but he tends to hurt baby his dad was never around for the baby so he can't have seen from his dad. But my 3 mo has had scratches and little pinch bruises on him when questioned he always admits he did it but since I've been telling him off for it he lies. It's also so simple to say oh never leave them alone they are along when I go to the toilet or have a bath if baby is crying I cannot have him in the same room after i have tried everything so he is alone then too although that is easier as I keep eldest distracted also yesterday they stayed at neighbours house after a bit of an emergency and he had come home with more marks the neighbour looked at me really oddly and said that "your baby needs to see a doctor" really rudely i think she completely judged me and I don't know what she was implying I just don't know how to solve this

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Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
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blueskiesandforests · 27/09/2018 12:48

Can your 4 year old open stargates? You can get extra tall ones actually made for dogs. I wish I'd known about those when my climber you best was small...

You could put your baby in his cot with a big stair gate closed on the door to keep him safe from your 4 year old.

Foodylicious · 27/09/2018 12:49

It sounds really tough for you just now.
Without wanting to pry, do you think medication such as antidepressants might help?
Your HV is right in that in an ideal world you do need a few minutes to yourself, but there are other coping strategies and medication could be one of them to make things feel a bit more copeable with

GreasyHairDoNotCare · 27/09/2018 12:49

OP please contact your Heath visitor. They can advise better on your four year olds behaviour and also offer support with looking after both of them. Maybe a homestart volunteer would be useful to you (I think that's what they're called)

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Original poster
Verrie69 · 27/09/2018 12:49

Accept some blame? What are you on about. I blame myself every day you have no idea but i blame their father more but of course i accept blame but im just doing what i can to get by and be a mum to them that's all

OP posts:
overmydeadbody · 27/09/2018 12:51

I think you need to ask your HV for more help.

You need a safe place you can leave your baby where the 4 ye old can't get to him.

I am a childminder and I have a section of the playroom fenced off with a playpen fence and security gate, where babies canb play without the older ones possibly hurting them.

Could you try something like that?

For showers, would your 4 ye old watch some TV for the time and your out the baby in the cot away from the 4 ye old?

Long term, you have to protect your baby from being hurt, that is the most important thing.

PeterPiperPickedSeaShells · 27/09/2018 12:51

Is it possible that your baby has been seriously injured by your son & this is why he is crying so much - I'm thinking a broken bone?
I am absolutely not judging you here but this is a possibility to think of

NerrSnerr · 27/09/2018 12:51

I'm sorry OP but the others are right. One of them needs to be with you at all times. He could really harm your baby. You need to talk to your HV or GP and look that way to getting support. Is your 4 year old in school or preschool?

Original poster
Verrie69 · 27/09/2018 12:51

Could i lock baby in a room

OP posts:
Original poster
Verrie69 · 27/09/2018 12:51

While i bath i mean not al the time

OP posts:
TittyGolightly · 27/09/2018 12:52

Bath whilst your elder child is at school?

Punishing your 4 year old won’t fix this. Read up on lovebombing and get any parenting support you can

GreasyHairDoNotCare · 27/09/2018 12:52

Personally I wouldn't lock baby in a room in case of fire or anything like that.

Kittykat93 · 27/09/2018 12:52

Take the baby in with you. Or put him in his cot and lock the door with a monitor switched on just for when you use the bathroom.

Never ever leave them alone together.

blueskiesandforests · 27/09/2018 12:53

There may be help your health visitor can help you access in the form of a Homestart volunteer who could cuddle the baby while you have a bath or otherwise get an hour in a different room alone, perhaps while your eldest is at school or while he watches a bit of TV at the weekend.

SnuggyBuggy · 27/09/2018 12:53

I second getting a gate or something to keep them separate for brief periods

overmydeadbody · 27/09/2018 12:53

Also, does your 4 ye old go to nursery/school? If not I'd see about getting him into nursery to give you some breathing space and give him more stimulation and get used the sharing with others etc.

But mostly to give you a break! Then you can shower and have your own space and be ready to give both children your full attention when he is home.

ineedtostopbeingsolazy · 27/09/2018 12:53

You need to speak to your health visitor about this. This isn't something you keep secret in hope that it goes away.

You've got a 3 month old baby with marks on it sooner or later someone will say something and you'll be left explaining how that happened.

I think your son needs some help and I think you need a lot more support, if you talk to someone you can get this support.
You've had a lot to cope with and it can't be easy for you but speak to someone.

Original poster
Verrie69 · 27/09/2018 12:53

Thank u I didn't know that about a homestart volunteer

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 27/09/2018 12:54

I see he's at school. I agree to bath when he's at school and do your best at weekend. I know that when I have been alone with both my young children I have just had a wash instead of bath/ shower when they've gone through needier times.

Biscusting · 27/09/2018 12:55

Sounds awful for all involved. Regardless of your oldests behaviour. They are too young to be left along together. I know it’s hard to shower or whatever, but you have to find a way.
Definitely speak with a HV, you need some practical support. Is there anyone who can lend a hand?

mikado1 · 27/09/2018 12:55

He's doing that because he can see the reaction he's getting..

Cottonsheets · 27/09/2018 12:56

Hi, sorry you are having a bad time just now. It is essential to never ever leave older child with infant. Place the baby in the cot and take 4yr old with you to the toilet/bath. Tell him to bring his toys to play on the floor. For whatever reason, he seems to be struggling to understand how fragile the baby is. If you don't witness him pinching the baby then you can't see what else is happening. This type of behaviour could escalate to more than a pinch or scratch and end up something awful happening. Speak to your GP and ask for a referral for further counselling treatment for your little boy. It will help him and you. Also ask your HV about Homestart. Someone from there could visit and give you a mental break.

TittyGolightly · 27/09/2018 12:56

And yes, baby needs checking for broken bones.

Original poster
Verrie69 · 27/09/2018 12:58

Why would he want that reaction

OP posts:
Lightsong · 27/09/2018 13:00

OP are you the poster from yesterday that was asking about giving your children up?

Please, please speak to your GP or HV today. There is help available Flowers

mikado1 · 27/09/2018 13:00

Any attention is attention to him and with a new sibling he'll be feeling pushed out/second best. That's why I say devote even 15mins one on one time to him each day and you'll both reap the benefits. Tell him you've just the two of you time and he can pick whatever he likes and set your timer, no calls, radio etc just you two.

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