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Original poster

4 yo keeps really hurting baby brother

162 replies

Verrie69 · 27/09/2018 12:26

My 4 yo has witnessed some violence from his father and has always been shy and more of an introvert from this he started school this year and he seems to have got much better he saw someone for 12 weeks when his father was arrested and that was the longest they could give him especially as he had improved. My baby boy is 3 months and is really hard work he cries and cries and there's nothing wrong with him I can't always cuddle him and I don't enjoy sitting cuddling him when he's screaming and doesn't stop. I let him calm in his crib and I take myself away for a bit as I find it very hard im unsure if my eldest has sort of seen how i am finding it hard when he cries but he tends to hurt baby his dad was never around for the baby so he can't have seen from his dad. But my 3 mo has had scratches and little pinch bruises on him when questioned he always admits he did it but since I've been telling him off for it he lies. It's also so simple to say oh never leave them alone they are along when I go to the toilet or have a bath if baby is crying I cannot have him in the same room after i have tried everything so he is alone then too although that is easier as I keep eldest distracted also yesterday they stayed at neighbours house after a bit of an emergency and he had come home with more marks the neighbour looked at me really oddly and said that "your baby needs to see a doctor" really rudely i think she completely judged me and I don't know what she was implying I just don't know how to solve this

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Original poster
Verrie69 · 27/09/2018 16:43

Selfish right ok

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giggleshizz · 27/09/2018 16:44

I was a lone parent from birth so understand a bit how you feel about time alone. I used to have a bath while dd sat in a rocker on bathroom floor so I could see her the whole time. Cost about £3 from a car boot sale. Could you do something like this and have your little boy watch tv? Could buy you half an hour of some relaxation. The gross thing you need to get over. As a single mum my dd has seen me pee, poo vomit and have a period. It's life!

Look at local charities too and church organisations. They might have volunteers who can come and help/chat. Also some of the church play groups are brilliant, the volunteers play with your kids and bring you tea and cake (not religious but churches do a lot for community).

Good luck OP. Please seek help. I'm a developmental psychologist and your boy is telling you he needs help and support. Please talk to school and gp to get him all the support he can now.

Original poster
Verrie69 · 27/09/2018 16:44

Why are some of u so nasty i try for them boys i really do try

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Ollivander84 · 27/09/2018 16:46

Do you have any friends that could help? Even if they don't have children. I don't which is why I never get asked Grin but I'm perfectly capable of taking a 4yo to the park! Or watching a film while you had a bath and kept an eye on baby

Original poster
Verrie69 · 27/09/2018 16:47

Thank you giggleshiz that was not aimed at you I actually considered going to church but i just wasnt sure about it especially with the children

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Original poster
Verrie69 · 27/09/2018 16:47

No i have no friends

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Namechange8471 · 27/09/2018 16:51

Why don't you put your 5 year old in the bath with you?

He'll love it! Plus he gets to spend some time with you , he's probably feeling jealous and a little left out.

Original poster
Verrie69 · 27/09/2018 16:52

Yes namechange that's something I'm trying tonight someone mentioned it earlier and thought it was a nice idea not sure why i never thought of it

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Rainbowtrain · 27/09/2018 16:53

OP, having one is tough. I imagine having 2 is tougher.
Tough stuff with the dad for you both.
I had PND and I get the needing time to yourself. However, I didn’t get that time because I could not leave a baby on its own.
I think that you are putting a lot of hope on this “2 minutes” but I honestly think you need a bigger better plan.

You obviously care about the boys. Listen, yoo need to find another plan because you can’t leave them on their own. That is a no go.

So you need an alternative. Speak to HV, they can help.

But you know it is not safe for them on their own.

Tell the HV and the GP, they will help. Sorry you are all alone

CherryBlossom23 · 27/09/2018 16:53

Gosh, some of you are so bloody self righteous. Verrie, don't take them to heart. Unless you've been where you are mentally, it's hard to understand. You are not selfish, you're just at the end of your tether. I really feel for you. I know what's it's like to just need a minute to yourself to cope. Can you get that when your 4 year old is at school and the little one naps during the day? You must have a few mins to yourself then? I know the weekends are a different story. Please talk to your gp and see if there's any community or church groups that could give you a hand with managing everything.

Stuckforthefourthtime · 27/09/2018 16:54

Noone is being nasty. We are very sympathetic - but also very scared for your baby, and also for your 4 year old, who is too small to truly understand what he might do.
If you call your HV, or go to your local children's centre and tell them exactly what is going on, people will want to help you. I'm so sorry that you are so alone right now. Even tell us roughly where you live, someone might be nearby and able to help you access local services.

Namechange8471 · 27/09/2018 16:54

Hang in there op it's tough with a young baby and a 4 year old Flowers

Rainbowtrain · 27/09/2018 16:54

Oh! OP I got a door bouncer from a friend to put baby when I needed a wee or a bpuncy chair

Zoe2411 · 27/09/2018 16:54

You clearly don't want the advice that's been given to you , it's sensible and quite frankly great advice with urgency behind it of people who care about you and your two boys . The fact you are reluctant to accept responsibility and don't seem to be seeking any help , as the poster of yesterdays thread about giving your children up that should of been a kick up your arse today to call and get someone to come over , HV , Doctor , MH team if needs be .
You are still arguing the toss over your 2 minutes in the bath which is whether you like it or not , selfish .

No one is saying your a bad mum or anything along those lines but part of the role as you know is doing the best for your children even if it's not always the way you want it to be . And I don't dispute your doing everything for your boys but fuck me , call someone as let's be honest , you could be protecting them more from eachother and getting the help you need which would allow you probably more than 2 minutes in a bath .

SnuggyBuggy · 27/09/2018 16:57

Have you managed to get an appointment with your GP yet?

Original poster
Verrie69 · 27/09/2018 16:58

The appointments go live on the website at 6pm and it has to be by phone consultation 1st but at 6pm I will

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BakedBeans47 · 27/09/2018 16:59

Verrie I feel for you hugely. I can’t cope without time to myself either. But honestly you really really cannot leave a baby you know is being harmed by his brother alone with him. You really just cannot. That’s not being self righteous and god I am as lax a parent as they come and I’ve always tried to give myself a bit of priority as I believe I need that to make me a good mum. But you cannot do what you’re doing when it can risk harming your baby x

SnuggyBuggy · 27/09/2018 16:59

Fingers crossed OP. Could your neighbor watch at least one of the kids while you have that phone call.

GinIsIn · 27/09/2018 17:01

OP you mentioned in your previous threads that your 4yo was at school - can you try and give yourself a break then when the baby naps? It's not safe to leave them together even for 2 minutes - it just isn't.

CherryBlossom23 · 27/09/2018 17:04

Going for a 2 minute bath is not "selfish". It's two minutes. Literally two. minutes. Most posters probably spent more time than that typing their replies on this thread.

Where you are so desperate to feel "normal" and together again in the midst of a mental crisis you will do almost anything to feel that way. It's literally a coping strategy, something she needs to have to get though the day, not the best one in this instance, but most of you who are reprimanding Verrie for it have absolutely no clue how she feels, I guarantee you.

Original poster
Verrie69 · 27/09/2018 17:05

Honestly he rarely naps he is so so difficult i cant stress how difficult he is he is always crying or whining he has had his checks and they say he's healthy so i cant see the need to ask again before hes due another check

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SillySallySingsSongs · 27/09/2018 17:06

Going for a 2 minute bath is not "selfish". It's two minutes. Literally two. minutes.

In which time her baby is being hurt, has bruises etc. That is what people are saying.

hannah1992 · 27/09/2018 17:07

Which area are you in? Perhaps some of us are in your area and can arrange a meet up? You are clearly lonely as well as depressed and stressed. I don't think there's any worse feeling than being alone and having nobody at all to turn to.

I understand you need 2 minutes to yourself. Who doesn't? What is your routine of a night time? When does your 4 year old go to bed and when does the baby go down to sleep? Could you have any quiet time of a night when they're both asleep to have some down time?

SillySallySingsSongs · 27/09/2018 17:07

so i cant see the need to ask again before hes due another check

He needs to get checked. He has bruises from his sibling. You need to get his bones etc checked.

Original poster
Verrie69 · 27/09/2018 17:14

Thank you cherryblossom

He's 4 years old im not saying what's happening is right but he isn't leaving my baby black and blue youre suggesting broken bones etc when it really isnt that severe. He will pinch him and scratch him when he gets a chance but he's 4 so theyre not horrific

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