I agree with every word of this article about the ideal of parenting

[margoandjerry]

In the times today

except that I wouldn't bother to explain why I was screaming.

I also ignored tips. I'm perfectly capable of packing a few Gruffalo CDs and some crayons, thanks :-)

My dd can do a very goods impression of me loosing it that is very good for breaking the tension.

I must give evry clear loosing it signals as the kids at school will push so far and then I can here mutterings of she's about to go!

I think rising above it is all very well, and I aim to do the same

but sometimes, you just cannot do it

and if there are any PND or general depression type issues, or other complications, then you can just lose it

my children have seen me laugh, cry, get angry, be loving, be caring , frustrated, annoyed, excited, delighted

and many other emotions

i just cannot hide how i feel

and being able to show your emotions, i think, really helps stop you having to blow your top, as you are holding onto less resentment and less emotion

Oh I don't care how you treat your children tbh LoveAngel - I am sure you are a lovely mum and they love you very much, screechy or not!

What I object to is this:

"No matter that to be a good mother, in the 21st-century incarnation of that impossible ideal, involves a total obliteration of the personality, a suppression of all personal desire beyond that of wanting the best for your children. That is the price you are expected to pay for the privilege of having children. "

er no it doesn't!

we do quite a lot of longish drives as we go camping a lot, we bought dd an mp3 player which she has filled with music that keeps her entertained as well as the odd bout of cloud watching.

My children are 7, 4 and 1. They are good kids. Probably because I try and treat them with respect 95% of the time. But then I don't think being a Bad Mother (TM) is particularly fun or aspirational.

I know quite a lot of mothers who have devoted their lives to the cult of perfect motherdom, thinking that little Johnnie must always come first. I used to be one of them until I started being honest and admitting that being a perfect mother had sapped all of my individuality and spark.

Everybody loses it a bit sometimes, if you don't I think it probably is a bit unhealthy.

I remember a specific incident when my dd had wound me up to the very extreme then carried on by insisting I drop everything to untangle the strap on her monkey handbag (handbag with monkey's face on the front!) and I'm afraid I took it out on her monkey handbag, smashing it against the hall wall wild-eyed around 12 times until it's eyes pinged off one by one as my dd looked on in absolute horror. Didn't feel purged until his eyes actually pinged off to be honest. Felt like the worst mother in the whole world, but so glad the monkey bag got it and no-one else. My dd got over it by the way, she comforted herself with the other four million handbags she has(WHY? she's four!! Blinking grandparents/aunties!!!)

Apart from that I'm pretty sane..

Lol you don't have to be perfect! God that would be weird. Just make an effort not to lose your temper. It's good for your karma anyway .

brilliant article.

enid he's not defending leaving the kids on the road like that, he's saying she could have coped with it better had she just felt free to express her emotions instead of upholding this idealistic image of 'the calm, reasonable, fair, non-shouting mother' that we're all supposed to aspire to til she snapped and did something so far beyond the realms of acceptable behaviour

(pmsl at the last bullet point btw 'Install a cage partition, as for dogs.'
)

I don't think I am aiming to be a bad mother, I just don;t have the mummy hormones and I am aware of the fact I will never win any parenting awards, so we just make do with what I have got and dd is quite fantastic so I can't be doing bad.

Enid - quite clearly lots of us do lose our temper from time to time. What's the point in coming on and saying you don't. Should we all aspire to be you? Don't understand people who post like this. Just move on to another thread.

How on earth do we know that she didnt feel free to express her emotions?

She sounds like a total lunatic if you ask me, and my mum agrees (and she is a total lunatic )

malmaman that is quite shocking actually that you got that cross

did you apologise afterwards?

Ooh touchy Mog. I do lose my temper as I have said. Just not very often. Sorry if that gets right up your nose, but I thought this thread was to discuss the article?

malmaman that is horrible, sorry

I shout too much I think, but only to make myself heard above the noise

I always say sorry if I step over the line though

they give you that look children I find, that makes you shrivel up

I wouldn't leave dd on her own at a road side but I have lost it when trying to remain calm when I am feeling anything but that. I guess we are all imagining that is what happened based on our own experience.

actually, as i read it she sounds like she had some sort of breakdown.

there have been times when dd is going ballistic for hours and i'm losing my mind trying to maintain the 'calm adult' facade that i honestly just want to walk away.

i'm sane and healthy though and manage to compose myself and deal with it, maybe she just lost it? had a mental breakdown and just couldn't cope anymore?

i'm not excusing what she did by any means, merely trying to see how she could have gotton to that point where it seemed reasonable in her mind to just leave them.

Malmaman - run for the hills. Or brace yourself for all the Perfect Mothers to round on you in disgust with cries of 'scarred for life', 'never able to see the mnkeys at the zoo again without breaking down' etc etc...

I dsagree with you Enid, I think that the "21st century incarnation of being a good mother" involves exactly what Shilling says it dies. The official line appears to be that you should never lose your temper with your child or indeed shout at them.

oh piss off LoveAngel

nobody on here is perfect, far from it but what she described was dreadful, really

Agree Loveangel.

What's the point though Olive. She said she felt like the worst mother in the world.

I can't belive on a thread about trying to stay calm the phrase piss off has been used.

Mumsnet at its best