Leaving 3.5m old for a month

[carpetbrush]

Hello. I have an 8 week old right now, but when he is 3.5m, I need to go abroad for one month. It's for the muslim pilgrimage (hajj). We had made the decision to go this year before I got pregnant and it's the best time for me and my DH as it would be complicated next year. Baby will be staying with my parents who he has spent lots of time with and also with my husband's parents who we live with. I know he's in good hands. I have spent every spare moment cuddling and holding baby to make sure he feels bonded and secure and to make up for all the cuddles I'm going to miss. The "fourth trimester" will be over pretty much, but do you think that DS will realise we are gone and do you think it will affect our bond given that we have bonded very well right now?.

Just because no one in your community has said anything to you, it doesn’t mean that what you’re thinking of doing is right.
I know a man who went on Hajj when his baby was a couple of months old leaving his wife and other child too. People in the community did not think favourably of him and thought he should have waited.

What would you really like to do?

Sounds as if you've pretty much made up your mind to go judging by your updates. You go ahead then. 🙄

This thread makes me so sad.

OP I really hope you reconsider and give your baby the love and care they need at the most important time of their life.

Just because it feels culturally acceptable doesn't mean it is. All research on child wellbeing is clear that prolonged separation from the primary caregiver is damaging at this age.

Seriously OP, backing out of this is very much the lesser evil here.

If you really must, you need to start really sharing the childcare with the grandparents now, so that they feel like primary caregivers too before you go. But for most of us, having someone else take on this role would be quite heart-breaking at this early stage.

Previous generations had very different ideas about what young babies can understand and perceive. Beliefs such as that young babies don't know what is happening, don't miss people - even that they don't feel pain - are beliefs which were very common in the past but thankfully have now been firmly proven as inaccurate and damaging.
Your parents and PiLs are I'm sure kind and well meaning people but their ideas are wildly out of date. Please reconsider. Your baby will very likely be affected by the loss of their primary caregiver. Babies need consistency - no amount of extra cuddles now will make up for your loss when you are gone.

Yet again, just religion and it's bat shit rules ruining the lives of innocent children. Brilliant.

Let's make it perfectly clear, this has nothing to do with religion.

Islam does NOT encourage mothers to leave their small baby with someone else and go for hajj. OP has decided to do hajj now because she feels it'll be easier for her now. God is not asking her to do it now.

If I were you OP, I would wait till your child is older and you can take your older child with you to hajj. There are plenty of people who take children with them and are fine.

Yet again, just religion and it's bat shit rules ruining the lives of innocent children. Brilliant.
No. Numerous people have commented to say that OP doesn't have to do this, that this isn't expected of a new mother, that this isn't about religion saying a new mother has to leave her baby for a month too have an extended break with her husband

Maybe the grandparents could go instead.

Don't leave your baby. He needs you and he needs you to make a stand now otherwise you will be coerced all the time by your inlaws.

At that age my baby wouldn't let me leave the room let alone the country.

I think if you did go it would be very hard emotionally for both you and the baby. You've just been through child birth which is a huge thing both physically and emotionally and you will still be recovering from that at 3.5 months.

There is nothing like a baby's attachment to their primary care giver and nothing can make up for it

OP with respect. Decade of baby and child psychology research is VERY clear that ifa baby of under six months is separated from their primary caregiver permanently for a prolonged period of time that not only does the child experience SEVERE DISTRESS but that the bond between baby and mother is broken. If you take this month long hajj trip, not only will your baby not know who you are when you return but the baby will form caregiver attachments to their grandparents - and if you then expect to be a full-time parent to the baby on your return, you will force the separation trauma on the baby a second time. attachment Trauma of this nature twice in an under six month old - it's a recipe for attachment disorder, which has very long term possibly lifelong implications for your child's mental and emotional health.
(Sorry if this seems harsh but that's what scientific research indicates. )

What I find most upsetting is that - from what I understand - hajj is a short trip of what a week, two at most? But you chose to extend the trip to a whole MONTH?

Did you not think that was ridiculous? If you had to go this year (and you haven't explained why it has to be this year), would any sane parent not book the shortest trip at all possible?

Did you not plan to breastfeed? What does your husband think? Does he not worry about the ensuing bonding issues?

This is a really distressing thread.

I wonder if you are depressed, OP. Believing that your baby would be better cared for by others at this stage screams PND to me. It is highly abnormal thinking and very worrying.

I'm not saying religion is telling her to do it, but she is doing it for the sake of religion.

My baby is 8 weeks old now.. there is no way whatsoever you could get me to leave him for one month.

The longest amount of time I've left him is 4 hours and that's been hard.

Do you want to miss the first giggles or rolling over? The stage where they are all smiles and learning more.

My other two are 6 and 5.. I haven't left them for even 24 hours yet! I miss them too much!

Sisters makes a very good point that the baby would be traumatised twice, first when separated from you and then when separated from its grandparents

“The risk of developing RAD is higher than average in babies and children who [...] are separated from parents for an extended period”
www.psychologytoday.com/gb/conditions/reactive-attachment-disorder

Aside from the points others have made, I would find it incredibly hard to return from the trip and find that the grandparents know my baby better than I do. How he prefers to fall asleep, how to soothe him when he's upset, how to entertain him in the car etc. It would make me feel a rubbish mother to have to be told how to look after my own child. I would be jealous of the bond the grandparents would have with him. I'm not sure that my relationship with the GPs could recover from that and obviously my rel with my baby too and sense of self esteem as a mother.

I've got a 7 week old and the very thought of leaving him for a month has me in tears. I don't know how you can bear to contemplate it.

...sorry posted too soon.

Maternity leave is not a holiday - your job is to spend it looking after your baby. That is its purpose. Your posts suggest that you see it as an opportunity to go on this extended trip. It's so messed up.

Mine is 10 months and very independent. There is absolutely no way I would leave her for that long.

Baby knows you are his mum, you are his world. He will know you are gone. I think its a very poor choice but it sounds like you've already made up your mind.

I'm not saying religion is telling her to do it, but she is doing it for the sake of religion.
But that isn't religions batshit rules is it, it's more what people will do for religion even when they aren't expected to. It's the very opposite of religions rules. And given op is planning on going away for at least twice as long as necessary, I wonder if its even about religion and as someone else suggested, if there isn't some pnd or similar going on

Really interested to know which tour you're going with OP as every single operator who organises hajj that I’ve seen only do three weeks maximum. They tend to close for visitors to Makkah and Madina after the hajj period to clean up and let the locals pray in the mosques from what I recall.

You realise islamically your baby’s rights supersede the requirement for performing hajj don’t you? You need to ensure when going on hajj you have a will and means in place to provide for your child should you die there.

I’d speak to your local imam, or the Islamic council of Britain to check whether it’s permissible for you to be leaving behind a newborn for hajj.

"He'll be fine"
"He won't remember it"
"Better to go now before he gets older and misses you"

What a load of absolute fucking nonsense people are still peddling about children, totally ignoring ALL the evidence on bonding (as well as common sense).

Don't go OP. There is literally zero chance of leaving your baby for a month and it NOT causing him irreparable emotional damage.

I think op has got the idea now without all the posts repeating each other

Calling religion bat shit is bang out of order by the way
To the poster who said that : FUCK off

Calling religion bat shit is bang out of order by the way

People are entitled to their opinion about religion, as they are about everything else.