Leaving 3.5m old for a month

[carpetbrush]

Hello. I have an 8 week old right now, but when he is 3.5m, I need to go abroad for one month. It's for the muslim pilgrimage (hajj). We had made the decision to go this year before I got pregnant and it's the best time for me and my DH as it would be complicated next year. Baby will be staying with my parents who he has spent lots of time with and also with my husband's parents who we live with. I know he's in good hands. I have spent every spare moment cuddling and holding baby to make sure he feels bonded and secure and to make up for all the cuddles I'm going to miss. The "fourth trimester" will be over pretty much, but do you think that DS will realise we are gone and do you think it will affect our bond given that we have bonded very well right now?.

Five days - maybe for something that was essential or once in a lifetime no other option on dates.

One month - no way

No fucking way.

It will be massively traumatic for him. He will know you're gone and won't know you're coming back.

Nothing (barring a serious illness necessitating a hospital stay perhaps) could induce me to leave a child that young for that long.

If your trip can't be cancelled or changed then why did you ask for opinions?!

Leaving a 3.5 month baby for a whole month seems selfish to me.

Woah, no way. I'm really not one of these 'oh I didn't leave my kid with anyone else until they were 10' types, and my kids stayed overnight for one night at grandparents from about 4 months. But a month away from a 3.5m old? Not a chance.

This thread has really bothered me. Honestly pls don’t do this. It’s a terrible idea.

You mentioned that in your community people have been supportive of the idea: you need to stop and think about whether they really mean that or are just being tactful.

I mentioned up thread that my friend went away for 3 weeks when her baby was a similar age. When she told me she was planning this, I was shocked and horrified and thought pretty much all the things other posters have said here. But to her face I was polite about it because it wasn’t my place to tell her how to parent. You are getting honest reactions online, so please listen to them.

I feel the same @PalePinkSwan. I'm quite upset just at the thought of it. Especially as it's something non-urgent and non-essential.

I couldn't do it, my baby is 6 months today and I have to go away over night in July and that worries me, I could never chose to leave her for a month.
I think you will regret it.

Not RTFT but attachment theory anyone? I think you could do serious damage leaving your child for that long at that age (as some pp said for a quarter of its life) (read some of the thread).

May I ask on what basis eg research, your parents and other family are basing their "it will be fine " on?

I would think that now is prob easier on the child than any other time. They won't remember it.
Just because the child won’t remember it doesn’t make it any less traumatic for them. At least an older child will understand that their parents are coming back, have some concept of time, are able to verbalise their feelings, etc. A 3 month old will just think their mum has disappeared forever. I would guess it is more emotionally damaging on a young baby than an older child.

My children are 10 and 5 and I would not voluntarily leave them for a month - let alone a newborn.

Sorry Hun, this is not what you probably want or need to hear but I think it’s a mistake.

They’re are too small, too vulnerable and developing so quickly to be left for that long. I would be worried it would be an adverse childhood experience.

Can I also add that even considering leaving your child at this age for an at the moment non essential trip which can be done later, makes me wonder if you feel you have attached to your child or have PND? I mean that kindly. Your family should be supporting you to stay at home and continue bonding with baby, not encouraging you to leave.

I wouldn't personally be able to do it but if you are planning to leave him in the next three years, this is the best time, as it'll be least traumatic for your baby. I would only go for 2 weeks though or 10 days. Do the main days and come back. Just book another flight back.

I know you have asked for this thread yo be drleared, but I'm just one more saying please reconsider.

Your baby will grieve for you as if you have died.

This may impact them severely in all their future relationship building for life

I left my daughter with parents for 4 days when she was 16 months and still feel guilty. I missed so much and she was really unsettled. Please don't go OP

A friend of mine left her child at 5 months with her GPs who they used to live with, And baby was more than fine. If you've already booked and can't cancel, go for the main week and come back.

In terms of attachment theory, my fear would be that, not only will he be upset that he has ‘lost’ you, but he will then form an attachment to the grandparents and will lose that attachment too in your return. So potentially double the trauma.

I wouldn't do this, OP. Why are you in such a rush to complete this experience now? Why not wait 10 years or so?

Wouldn't a god who was more loving and understanding than you not expect you to have a month away from your baby unless it was about paying bills/life or death? If your god doesn't appreciate how you feel he's less emphatic than you. I can't worship a being whose less emphatic than me.

Up to you but I didn't leave my baby with anyone apart from my husband until she was 9 months old. Nothing would come above my DC

headinhands tbf to the God in question, they aren't the one expecting OP to do it this year. They're happy with any time in her life

In terms of attachment theory, my fear would be that, not only will he be upset that he has ‘lost’ you, but he will then form an attachment to the grandparents and will lose that attachment too in your return. So potentially double the trauma.

I totally agree Luckystar1

Why did you have a baby if you’re happy to leave him for a third of his life?

I would think that now is prob easier on the child than any other time. They won't remember it.

Absolutely untrue. It will be worse because the child will have no conscious memory of it, and it will therefore be far harder to resolve in therapy later in life.

Four years ago I had the opportunity to do something that I had always longed to do but I had to travel across the world to do it - and I was away for a month. My youngest child was 12 and I missed them all so much. Although I had a brilliant time I missed them all so much and I know I could never do it again - even though my daughter is now 16 and will be leaving me soon enough!

Don't think about your baby for the moment - he will be surrounded by love and people who know and love him. Think about yourself. Is this right for you?

For God's sake no! Jesus Christ!