Leaving 3.5m old for a month

[carpetbrush]

Hello. I have an 8 week old right now, but when he is 3.5m, I need to go abroad for one month. It's for the muslim pilgrimage (hajj). We had made the decision to go this year before I got pregnant and it's the best time for me and my DH as it would be complicated next year. Baby will be staying with my parents who he has spent lots of time with and also with my husband's parents who we live with. I know he's in good hands. I have spent every spare moment cuddling and holding baby to make sure he feels bonded and secure and to make up for all the cuddles I'm going to miss. The "fourth trimester" will be over pretty much, but do you think that DS will realise we are gone and do you think it will affect our bond given that we have bonded very well right now?.

It’s just so upsetting to even consider this. I’ve been thinking a lot about it since I last commented.

I remember the actual physical pain I felt lying in bed at night knowing my two babies were in nicu and probably crying for me but I wasn’t there. They had to be given dummies for comfort because I wasn’t there. Let’s face it, they had no idea I was there Mum - I couldn’t even hold them at first, then I was torn between one baby at home and one in hospital for two months.

Then all the studies that tell me that my children are probably irreparably damaged by this, and there’s nothing I could have done about it. The one who was in hospital longest is now showing potentially ASD traits and I can’t help wondering whether this is because we were separated so much.

And I had no choice in the matter. He had to be in hospital, I couldn’t stay there, I had another newborn to deal with... but the guilt still eats me alive, and I still picture them crying and alone in the night.

I really worry that in the future you will grave regret doing this, but it will be too late then. Many children who were adopted as babies go on to suffer from attachment disorders even when separated from their Mum at the earliest stages. This stuff harms babies and you can’t take it back.

No. I remember once when my baby was young and I went to visit my parents, I went for a nap and when I woke up the house was empty. I couldn't get hold of my mum for about 20 mins but when I did it turned out she'd just taken my baby for a walk to settle him. It was honestly one of the worst 20 mins ever, I was agitated and stressed wondering where he was and how long they'd be.

This is a crazy amount of time to leave any child but especially a newborn.

TammySwansonTwo it’s heartbreaking isn’t it. One of my DC was in NICU and displays attachment problems (we have done lots to work on it but I am guessing it will have a life long affect ).
Attachment disorder can present very similarly to ASD.

It’s a good thing that you are aware of it though as that will help them going through life and there is lots you can do to help with attachment problems.

Another NICU mum here. Please don’t feel guilty. I spent a lot of nights at the NICU and babies were rarely left to cry for any length of time. And also when they are that early the reality is their brains need the rest for neurodevelomental reasons as well. Unfortunately ASD is a common outcome of prematurity as well but please don’t feel guilty about it. I am sure you were doing the very best you could under the circumstances.

Nothing would convince me to do this. It's far too long and something that can easily be put off for years.

KoshaMangsho My NICU baby was full term so did suffer attachment problems as a result of being left to cry, not having needs met the same as a newborn expects, etc (although yes the NICU nurses do their best and I was there as much as possible). Agree about trying not to feel guilty though as there is nothing you can do, you just do your best under the circumstances. It is hard though when you see what your baby goes through not having their mum there all the time and then someone is choosing to leave their baby for something unnecessary.

He will most definitely notice.
Nature tried to ensure that babies stay close to their mothers through frequent breastfeeding. This isn’t me making a point about breastfeeding, as I had to bottle feed from ds being a few weeks old. But it was my arguement to prevent over excited mil taking him for overnight stays etc when he was tiny. Nature intended babies to be with their mothers and not to spend extended time away from them. Simple as that really.
His brain is developing rapidly. He feels secure around you. This will affect him being left for a long period.
I wouldn’t do it
Sorry you have a difficult decision to make

So sorry to hear about your experience. It is often much harder for full term mums and babies in the NICU because their needs are often v different from the prem ones.

My boys were only five weeks early so not significantly prem but one was very unwell hence the long stay. I remember coming in one morning to him screaming and I don’t think it will ever leave me. The staff do an amazing job. It was actually worse when he was moved to the special care nursery as they had less staff and he was older and I wasn’t there as much as I wanted to be (another baby at home, pumping two hourly and some awful complications from my section). I can’t even think too much about it as it’s so distressing.

Eid Mubarak OP - I hope you're enjoying the celebrations with your family - and that all the PPs experiences had offered a different perspective to consider.