Leaving 3.5m old for a month

[carpetbrush]

Hello. I have an 8 week old right now, but when he is 3.5m, I need to go abroad for one month. It's for the muslim pilgrimage (hajj). We had made the decision to go this year before I got pregnant and it's the best time for me and my DH as it would be complicated next year. Baby will be staying with my parents who he has spent lots of time with and also with my husband's parents who we live with. I know he's in good hands. I have spent every spare moment cuddling and holding baby to make sure he feels bonded and secure and to make up for all the cuddles I'm going to miss. The "fourth trimester" will be over pretty much, but do you think that DS will realise we are gone and do you think it will affect our bond given that we have bonded very well right now?.

What the hell? I’m relaxed as they come about leaving babies with a loving care giver but a month is ridiculous. A lot happens in a month with a baby! I think you and your family are cruel to suggest it and I know how close knitted the Asian community is. Poor baby.

For the 'religion is batshit ' brigade :

According to islam separation of mother and child in the first two years has to be avoided at all costs .

Even if the mother has committed a crime as serious as murder she cannot be penalised if it means separation from the infant .

Breastfeeding mothers are exempt from fasting as the right of the newborn trumps religious obligation .

Some people are batshit
Some of those people are religious
Some people use religion to justify batshit things
But all religion is not batshit
It’s how you interpret and practise religion

Another poster here who thinks it's a bad idea.

What happens if your baby gets ill whilst you are away for a month? I went away for a long weekend when DD1 was 11 months to a wedding in Spain and she developed croup and had to go to A&E. Whilst my Mum was perfectly fine looking after her she was really distressed and very clingy. The hospital allowed my Mum to make decisions about her treatment, but really only myself and OH have parental responsibility for my DD to be making decisions like that not grandparents.

And this is before I knew anything about attachment theory in babies! In hindsight and knowing about attachment now I would've given the wedding a miss!

Absolutely no way would I do it.

Separation from the primary care giver at that age would be a huge trauma which could have a life-long impact.

I have no idea about the hajj and this is purely from an attachment perspective.

I was under the impression that Islam positively encouraged BF?

This doesn't exactly go with that

OP: you keep insisting it will be fine, flying in the face of some very reasoned arguments why not. Didn't get the answers you wanted so asked for thread to be deleted? (well did you actually, as it's still here 2 days later)

@arbrighton hajj isn’t compulsory for OP, she will be actively excused till baby is at least two years old.

The Hajj itself only takes three days to perform OP could go for a week if she so chooses. She is actively choosing to go for a month. Which is very out of the ordinary as most people go for three weeks maximum longer visas are very hard to obtain.

Thanks for clarifying @Fuzzywuzzy but I did understand re hajj, was seeking confirmation re BF and really, actually wondering what OP was seeking to gain here

@arbrighton parents with children are excused hajj till they are able to ensure provision for their dependant children in the event they die.

A baby is meant to be kept with its mother till the age of two as that is the age Islam encourages mothers to breastfeed till.

I actually can’t see any coherent Islamic reason for op to leave her newborn baby.

This is her choice.

It’s not based on any Islamic tenet. She would be considered doing a greater deed remaining with her baby and bonding with him.

I agree fuzzy, there is nothing religious about this decision.

Please please please don't do this Op. it's essentially a change in primary carer because he won't know you're coming back. It will be really damaging to him and he's
Likely to be very distressed. Have a quick google around attachment disorder and why it's important to form good attachments.
I'm sure the grandparents don't mean any harm but they are really wrong on this one.

@arbrighton
I don't see where I've "kept" insisting that it will be fine, given that in a thread of 200 replies I've only contributed 3 times. I genuinely wanted to know if anyone had done this and what the views were, which is why this thread is here. I then asked for it to be deleted because it wasn't nice with lots of people querying if I have depression and saying im cruel/terrible. Regardless of what anyone thinks, I'm not cruel or unkind or terrible or depressed. This was a call made when I was pregnant and I wouldn't have made the thread if I wasn't giving it lots of thought. Please don't presume you know what I'm thinking, and again, the GPs don't need to be bashed, because they really have the best intentions however backward they may seem. This thread wasn't made for people to have a pop at them either! I've got a good enough view of what the consensus is so I'm not going to contribute to this thread any longer though anyone else is welcome to do so.

OP you seem very cold and self absorbed. I feel so sorry for your poor baby.

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3115616/

Sorry, should have added:

the occurrence of a mother-child separation of a week or longer within the first two years of life was related to higher levels of child negativity (at age 3) and aggression (at ages 3 and 5). The effect of separation on child aggression at age 5 was mediated by aggression at age 3, suggesting that the effects of separation on children’s aggressive behavior are early and persistent.

Glad OP is reading the responses and hope she changes her selfish decision

Regardless of what anyone thinks, I'm not cruel or unkind or terrible or depressed.
But leaving such a young baby for a month IS cruel. It is really cruel and unkind to the baby, no matter how wonderful the grandparents are it is a cruel thing to do. I’m sorry if that’s not what you want to hear but the evidence that it will damage and traumatise you baby is there.
People suggesting depression as a possibility are being kind as PND is common and many women struggle to bond with their babies. There is nothing shameful about this. The fact that you are considering leaving your baby for a month is not a ‘normal’ thing to think so people are likely to think you may have PND or have not bonded properly with your DS.

the GPs don't need to be bashed, because they really have the best intentions however backward they may seem. But the GPs are saying that your DS won’t remember and he will be fine. They really aren’t acting in your DS best interests and are encouraging/participating in doing something damaging to a small baby. You can’t expect people not to point this out.

Have you read the links provided and what do you think?

So you’re still going away for a month then?

You sound very defensive.
You haven’t confirmed whether you’re going ahead with the original plans.
I assume that you are.

It's not ideal when they're this young but Go. My sister left her little one (3 months) to go on Ummrah (the lesser pilgrimage). She went for a fortnight but kept in regular touch with the baby via phone/FaceTime and was glad she didn't take him with her because it was so hot and crowded out there. Baby wasn't affected in the slightest when she returned. He's now a year old and just as closely bonded with her, if not more.

I've got a good enough view of what the consensus is so I'm not going to contribute to this thread any longer though anyone else is welcome to do so. You are on the defensive, not weird as pretty much everyone Muslim to Atheist think this is not the done thing to do towards your baby. Based on your reply people will assume that you will ignore the experienced and well meaning mothers along with health professionals to not go on this trip. People do not wish you or your baby to have a negative and long lasting consequence down to something that is not needed to be done. So please do try to understand that the feedback is not to bring you down but to enlighten you and hopefully avoid you and your family causing unintentional harm to your baby.

Never in a million years!!

I am wondering whether OP doesn’t want to tell her husband that she doesn’t want to go. What do you think, OP - would he support you in staying? Or is he adamant that you need to go, and go for a month?

@nightwispa your sister won’t necessarily know if her baby has been affected. The evidence does show a week or more separation between mother and child in the first 2 years does have a negative affect, see link above from Saturdaygap

Baby will know you’re gone if you have been his primary career to date and this is likely to impact attachment security. The idea that babies don’t know things used to be standard but all sorts of experiments and research have now shown they are very attuned and early to primary caregivers. Of course, children do get separated from parents due to illness, pnd etc. This is how we know some of this impact. If you decide to go then worth putting in plans after to rebuild attachment security with you as much as you can. If DPs have been heavily involved in raising baby so far the issue may more be with your bond than baby’s overall attachment security.