Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

Leaving 3.5m old for a month

260 replies

carpetbrush · 12/06/2018 13:18

Hello. I have an 8 week old right now, but when he is 3.5m, I need to go abroad for one month. It's for the muslim pilgrimage (hajj). We had made the decision to go this year before I got pregnant and it's the best time for me and my DH as it would be complicated next year. Baby will be staying with my parents who he has spent lots of time with and also with my husband's parents who we live with. I know he's in good hands. I have spent every spare moment cuddling and holding baby to make sure he feels bonded and secure and to make up for all the cuddles I'm going to miss. The "fourth trimester" will be over pretty much, but do you think that DS will realise we are gone and do you think it will affect our bond given that we have bonded very well right now?.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
SoyDora · 12/06/2018 16:41

OP... how you you feel about it? Do you feel like you’ll be ok not seeing your baby for a month?
Forget what anyone else thinks for a moment.

2up2manydown · 12/06/2018 16:42

picklepickle123

In a year the child will be 14 months! Taking their first steps. It is still immensely damaging to leave them for a month at that age as well - at any age really.

Mixedupmummy · 12/06/2018 16:43

just to reiterate what others have said. it is not in the spirt of hajj for a new mother to go. you have many years in the future when it will be possible for you to go. you will never get this precious time back with your new born. I would also say that if you gave birth 8-12 weeks ago you are still recovering from birth and pregnancy so should be looking after yourself too.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Behaviour & development Families General parenting
2up2manydown · 12/06/2018 16:43

I agree, put aside your worries about the baby for a second and reflect on yourself: could you really be apart from your child for a month????

MerryDeath · 12/06/2018 16:44

absolutely not. has this baby arrived yet? don't plan for this you won't be happy about it when the time comes..

Littletinyraindrops · 12/06/2018 16:46

I wouldn't go, instead I'd plan to do this when DC is/are old enough too and go as a family.
You have plenty of time and I wouldn't miss out on these first moments.

Chelseajunior · 12/06/2018 16:46

Wow!
I wouldn't leave my baby for a weekend, let alone a month Confused
Your poor baby.

Theclockstruck2 · 12/06/2018 16:48

I feel sad that you feel so dispensable to your child to be honest. It’s amazing to have trusted grandparents who are willing to help, but I wouldn’t outsource my role as mother for anything. A third recommendation for ‘why love matters’ here!

Iputthescrewinthetuna · 12/06/2018 16:48

I would be too scared of returning and baby not remembering who I am.
Your parents would know your babies quirks, routine, types of cries more than you would.
A month in a babies life is so so long at that age, your baby would change so much in that time.
I would be afraid that my baby would not feel settled with me once I am back.
YABU if this trip can be postponed until baby is older, you can then teach him about Islam so would be excited and supportive of your pilgrimage.

Kardashianlove · 12/06/2018 17:15

but they genuinely believe that it will be okay? but surely it’s irrelevant what they believe?
What do you think? Do you honestly think it’s right to leave your tiny baby for a month for something that is completely avoidable? Do you believe it won’t be damaging and distressing to your baby?

Marmaladdin · 12/06/2018 17:22

Haven't RTWT but this is awful. I wouldn't leave my 2 or 4yo for a month or even a week. Leaving a 3mo for a MONTH - barring sickness, active duty etc- is monstrous.

Takfujuimoto · 12/06/2018 17:24

carpetbrush did the grandparents do the same? Did they leave their 3.5 month old baby for a month with their parents?

They may be genuine in their affections and actions but I don't think they've really thought about the repercussions of your absence for you and the baby, more than likely they are focused on how much they will enjoy having the baby to themselves, which is actually quite selfish.

This benefits no one but them.

Beetlebum1981 · 12/06/2018 17:30

I've got a 14 week old and there's no way I could leave her for a month. Despite what your relatives say I find it hard to believe that leaving such a young baby without both parents for so long won't have an impact. A baby is reliant upon its mother at this age.

Pebblespony · 12/06/2018 17:33

I would think that now is prob easier on the child than any other time. They won't remember it. Harder for you though.

jamoncrumpets · 12/06/2018 17:35

Will the baby sleep in the same room as them, as per safe sleeping guidelines?

Dontbuymesocks · 12/06/2018 17:41

I’m Muslim and I wouldn’t go at this point.

You have plenty of time to go when your child is older and your absence will have less impact.

hairycoo · 12/06/2018 17:42

I would think that now is prob easier on the child than any other time. They won't remember it. Harder for you though. this really. your dc will be fine in the care of loving grandparents and wont remember it at all. I would say it would be much harder for you and i think you will pine for your baby when you are separated. I assume you will be bottle feeding?

Rach5l · 12/06/2018 17:42

I think you will miss each other terribly Sad

minipie · 12/06/2018 17:47

I'm a bit worried that the grandparents think looking after a tiny baby will be so much easier than looking after an older child. IME it's the other way round! Unless your baby sleeps through already, self settles, feeds with no issues etc?

onedayiwillmissthis · 12/06/2018 17:49

Please, please... don't go and leave your baby with grandparents.

It seems they think only of what suits them...and I'm not sure exactly what you are thinking of!

But none of you are thinking what's best for your poor baby

Mookie81 · 12/06/2018 17:50

Another reason why for many people religion clouds what's right and appropriate.

minipie · 12/06/2018 17:50

I have spent every spare moment cuddling and holding baby to make sure he feels bonded and secure and to make up for all the cuddles I'm going to miss.

Tbh if you are going to go, this is the worst approach, as he will miss you far more. Better to gradually hand him over to his grandparents as primary carer and step away more and more yourself. Then the same in reverse when you return, make it a gradual transition.

Although I wouldn't do it at all, personally.

DrMantisToboggan · 12/06/2018 17:58

I would think that now is prob easier on the child than any other time. They won't remember it. Harder for you though.

They may not consciously remember it, but they will almost certainly be adversely affected by their primary carer disappearing abruptly for such a long period of time.

I left my 6 week old for a couple of hours, and couldn’t stop picturing her face and thinking about her constantly, and rushed to get back to her, and she was left with my DH (her father).

borninthe80ies · 12/06/2018 18:05

To answer your question: yes, he will realise.
Please don't go.
If grandparents really are supportive, they will understand.
You shouldn't go OP.

BrutusMcDogface · 12/06/2018 18:09

He will not understand you are coming back and will likely go through the trauma of presuming you are not

This! How could you even consider it?

Swipe left for the next trending thread