Leaving 3.5m old for a month

[carpetbrush]

Hello. I have an 8 week old right now, but when he is 3.5m, I need to go abroad for one month. It's for the muslim pilgrimage (hajj). We had made the decision to go this year before I got pregnant and it's the best time for me and my DH as it would be complicated next year. Baby will be staying with my parents who he has spent lots of time with and also with my husband's parents who we live with. I know he's in good hands. I have spent every spare moment cuddling and holding baby to make sure he feels bonded and secure and to make up for all the cuddles I'm going to miss. The "fourth trimester" will be over pretty much, but do you think that DS will realise we are gone and do you think it will affect our bond given that we have bonded very well right now?.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere your situation is massively different. The OP can do it again in 10, 20 or even 30 years time. It's not a 'now or never' situation. Your child was 12 so understood that you were going, why you were going and that you were coming back. The OP's baby can't do that.

I'm Muslim and get that hajj is important but what were you thinking when you booked a month holiday whilst pregnant ? Did you not know that you would have a newborn that would need you ? In laws said it was more convenient for them than to watch an older child ( that's weird anyway - night feeds , being constantly held , tied to nap times and constantly changing nappies aren't easier than older children but ok ) but that didn't mean you absolutely had to book it . Its very thoughtless . Weren't you planning to breastfeed anyway - as that's a religious recommendation too for women who are able to and that would trump the requirement of the pilgrimage .

No chance I would.go but ithi k your wording of " I need to go" is interesting.

As someone who is Asian with lots of extended family NO WAY would they have thought this to be a good idea. They are on hand to give mum a break. But not for a MONTH with a newborn. I can think of very few Asian/African/Middle Eastern families who will think this is ‘normal.’ Especially when it is for a non essential reason.

Don’t make it cultural!
(In fact the opposite is true, I have had Aunties be quite sneering of those English girls who have babies and go partying and leave them behind etc- all stereotypes but in no way would anyone I know condone what you are doing).

I left my 4m baby for one evening. He screamed all night and my sil who was babysitting said she could never go through that again. I never did it again either. Baby came with me everywhere until they were about 9m and sleeping through from 7pm.

Hi op. Your baby will be fine without you. They clearly have loving grandparents etc, which is more than some people can say.

What about you, though? Will you be ok without your baby? Admittedly, i'm not Muslim, and I'm not religious, so I don't understand the culture and expectations around haj, but if you think you'll be ok without the baby then I'm not sure of the problem. In my culture it's very normal for the grandparents to almost be the next best parents, and I'm very grateful for that. It sounds like you know the baby will be minded without worrying.

Would I do it? No. I wouldn't at that age, but that's just my own opinion.

Before this thread is deleted, please copy @PalePinkSwan’s posts and save them somewhere. Keep reading them and re-reading then until you decide NOT TO DO IT.

I'm shocked someone would even consider leaving an actual real life baby for A MONTH to prove their loyalty to a make believe man in the sky.
Has the whole planet lost its shit right now?!

I wouldn’t leave my baby for a day let alone a month.
I wouldn’t leave my children for a month until they’ve left Home!!

What are you going to do if the baby gets ill?

It’s a non essential trip, let dh go if he has to and you can do it another time.

namechangemaestro different God

I wouldn't. You say you're on maternity leave. That is a precious time when you can make the most of bonding time, and learn to be a parent, get used to the idea. You're wasting that opportunity.

SleepingStandingUp

Oh, come on.

Nothing would make me leave a tiny baby for even a few days, let alone a month. How could you even consider such a thing? Mine were 2 and 7 when Dh and I had a couple of nights away, and I missed them so much........and you booked the longer package?? Are you for real??

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3115616/

"...
the occurrence of a mother-child separation of a week or longer within the first two years of life was related to higher levels of child negativity (at age 3) and aggression (at ages 3 and 5)". From a 2011 paper; feel free to type "effects of mother-child separation" into Google Scholar for some more reading material.

The fact that the baby won't consciously remember this separation and that its physical needs will be met doesn't make this fine. Babies need the chance to bond consistently with one primary caregiver. A whole month out of its short vulnerable life where it never sees its mother and is cared for by others does not give it that chance.

Ignore the fact that the GPs and others in your community think this is OK (which in itself is massively concerning- I hate to think of a new mum surrounded by this BS instead of support).

What do you want for you and your baby? What kind of mother do you want you to be?

What's at stake here is huge, more than money or other people's expectations.

You need to dig deep and be strong and do the right thing for your baby. Or you may regret it for the rest of your life.

Isn’t the Hajj a 5 day thing anyway?

I cannot imagine much worse than leaving such a young child for a month.

Inject permanence: when a baby can't see something, they believe it has ceased to exist.

You will essentially cease to exist for your child.

I agree with the previous poster who suggested you begin to slowly distance yourself now from your baby and hand over primary care to grandparents. Baby won't know who you are on your return so you'd need to do same thing.
That said i nor nor dh would never have considered this and dh is from similar culture to you. I thinks it's incredibly sad you're doing this.

I have a sneaky feeling the OP needs to have some space away from living with the in laws and is using religion/haj pilgrimage as a cover. Because no mother would really want to leave their child for that long and as others have said this trip can be done in a week or two weeks max. OP is very vague with her replies too

You will be traumatised leaving your baby for that long, never mind the impact it will have on your baby. Could you not go in a few years when your child is old enough to go with you? What if your baby got sick? Your baby needs you as much as you need them. Please follow your own instincts on this.

“I need to go abroad for one month”

No you don’t.

Your baby will completely change while you are away. Don't know how you can consider it. Plus it will not remember you / want you / know you are its mum when you return (especially as you live with in laws and won't be alone with it) . Seriously hope you reconsider.

Oh that poor baby
I have a 4 month old and the thought of her wanting me, needing me, looking for me and crying for me and me not being there for her makes me so sad I feel an actual physical ache
And for a whole month!?!
That poor poor baby, he’s going to be so so sad and confused

This thread is actually really upsetting

I don’t believe hajj has to be done at a set time - later would be much better. The poor baby will think you’ve abandoned it and be very traumatised. Your relationship won’t be the same on your return as they will have re attached to the grandparents and maybe he permanently damaged. You will miss the baby terribly, plus 3.5 months after birth isn’t a great time for a difficult journey. If you have to go then could you wear the baby in a sling?

I don’t think I would actually trust anyone to look after my baby who thought this was in any way a good idea. Their judgement is way off and I would wonder what other poor decisions they would make whilst I was away as they obviously have a VERY different perspective of babies/parenting/childcare than most people.

Also, it seems from your OP that baby will be staying with your parents AND dh parents. Won’t this be even more confusing/distressing plus then having you and DH very suddenly come back. It could very easily cause long term damage to your DS.

Don’t delete the thread or at least copy the replies to read though over the next few days/weeks and look at the links/book recommendations.