Leaving 3.5m old for a month

[carpetbrush]

Hello. I have an 8 week old right now, but when he is 3.5m, I need to go abroad for one month. It's for the muslim pilgrimage (hajj). We had made the decision to go this year before I got pregnant and it's the best time for me and my DH as it would be complicated next year. Baby will be staying with my parents who he has spent lots of time with and also with my husband's parents who we live with. I know he's in good hands. I have spent every spare moment cuddling and holding baby to make sure he feels bonded and secure and to make up for all the cuddles I'm going to miss. The "fourth trimester" will be over pretty much, but do you think that DS will realise we are gone and do you think it will affect our bond given that we have bonded very well right now?.

Not bullied as such but there was a bit of pushiness. However I do feel like once it's done, it's done and I'll never have to leave him again. I ended up agreeing to book as I thought I would regret not going this year

I wouldn't leave my young baby for a month unless it was a life or death situation! A week yes. But not a whole month. But do what you feel is best, and not what the Grandparents think is best !

Nope, not a chance. I wouldn't leave my baby at that age.

You can go any time for the rest of your life. Any regrets you will have will be about Leaving your tiny baby. You have another 50 years to go, your baby will only be tiny once and this will affect his whole life

From what I've read, I don't think for one moment that leaving a baby is in the spirit of hajj. I don't think the prophet had nursing mothers/mothers of newborns in mind when he described how hajj should be undertaken. For one thing, you have to be physically capable of going and if you have a tiny dependent, you are limited by their needs and you are not physically capable of going. It seems a bit off to take the responsibilities of motherhood so lightly to honour a religion which actually takes motherhood very seriously.

I wouldn't leave him at that age and haj can be done another time.

Is there some reason anyone may want you out of the way? Is circumcision an issue?

I would never choose to leave such a young baby for so long. He will miss you and won’t understand that you are coming back.

Why do you want to go on the hajj this year? Why not wait until your child/children are much older and can understand why you are going? You will then be more serene and less likely to be distracted by thoughts of how they are coping without you.

All the people I know who have been to the hajj went in middle age and even later, and were able to go without worrying about anything.

No don’t go
I hope you feel you can change your mind

Not at all! They don't have the ability to understand you are returning and after spending 25% of their life with grand parents instead you may find it hard to get that bond back!
I don't know how you are feeding baby but if you are breastfeeding that is also something to consider.
I don't know anyone who would leave a child so young at such a developmentally important time for so long.

As the parent of a 15mo and a 7yo, there is no way in hell I would be doing this. Why can’t you go once they are teenagers? 5 days would be my max now for little one, maybe 10at a push for the eldest but I miss them terribly.

It’s very young to leave them, you only need to go for Hajj once in your life, does it have to be now?

I wouldn't be able to leave my 3yo for a month, let alone a 3.5mth old. I don't think badly of you for going though, I just don't think you realised how hard it'd be when you booked it.

I personally would be putting my foot down hard and staying home with my baby.

No way would I leave my baby for that long. Don't go , trust your instinct on this he will know you're not there and will likely start to form attachments to his new primary care giver . As others have said you have years to go , wait until he is older.

Not a chance I would leave my 3.5 month old for a month. No way.

When you are back will they push you to go back to work immediately and leave baby with them as well? You will be surplus to requirements as baby won't remember you and will be bonded to their grandparents instead of you, want them when upset and to spend time with. It is very traumatic to separate a baby from their caregiver, you don't know what the lasting effects will be.

You have a lifetime to do this, now is not the time.

No, definitely wouldn't leave a 3 month old (mine is 3 months at the moment). He doesn't even take a bottle, so wouldn't be possible anyway. But a secure relationship with the primary caregiver (that's you if you are on mat leave and doing the bulk of the parenting) is so critical for attachment in the first year. When they are older, they develop more complex attachments with others, but initially, it's all you if you're the one whose home most of the time. Maintaining that attachment is so, so important, and babies who lose their primary caregiver, even for a time, are at more risk of developing attachment disorders. Obviously most of those babies are also experiencing other forms of neglect and abuse, but I just wouldn't risk it. Plus, I think you'd probably just be miserable. A toddler or older child is much easier to care for than a baby (for your family) and also much easier to leave (frankly, give it a few years and you'll love to have a break). But no way I'd do it now.

Please don't leave your newborn. He/she needs you.

You are the mother of this baby. The baby needs you, not grandparents. Not a chance would I go.

I couldn't do it. I've left my baby for a total of maybe... 10 hours his whole life. A month is practically half his life. Ugh it breaks my heart to even consider.

He knows your smell, your voice, your skin. You are his safety, his womb, his life.

Yes he will be adversely affected. This is cruel.

Are you breastfeeding? What about your milk supply? It will dry up.

To be honest I'm shocked that you would consider leaving a tiny baby for a month. He WILL be traumatised and adversely affected. You are his primary care giver.

You're clearly not comfortable with the decision either, which is why you're posting on MN.

This is so sad, I can't believe someone needs to ask whether they should leave their tiny baby for such a large chunk of their life. It will completely confuse the child and they will be affected for more than the month you are away. You need to put your baby first, it's cruel to do anything other than cancel/rearrange

I couldn't leave my little one at that age, they are so dependent on you. I think he will know you are gone and a month is a long time for a baby so young so although I think he will remember you, you may find when he gets back he is unsettled as he hasn't been used to you there (I am by no means an expert in this I am just trying to think in a brain of a baby).

Sounds like you really have no choice and can't rather than won't not go.

On the positive side will you be able to face time and text etc to help keep up with him changing and developing.

I can't say I know much about Hajj but is it really more important than your baby's first months? This makes me feel really sad, not just for this tiny new life but for you. You will never get this time back and they change so quickly at this age! I don't believe any new mother would really be happy leaving their baby for a whole month!

*you get back