Leaving 3.5m old for a month

[carpetbrush]

Hello. I have an 8 week old right now, but when he is 3.5m, I need to go abroad for one month. It's for the muslim pilgrimage (hajj). We had made the decision to go this year before I got pregnant and it's the best time for me and my DH as it would be complicated next year. Baby will be staying with my parents who he has spent lots of time with and also with my husband's parents who we live with. I know he's in good hands. I have spent every spare moment cuddling and holding baby to make sure he feels bonded and secure and to make up for all the cuddles I'm going to miss. The "fourth trimester" will be over pretty much, but do you think that DS will realise we are gone and do you think it will affect our bond given that we have bonded very well right now?.

As for whether I'm planning on going. I don't know really. In my community and family, nobody was too shocked about me going and no one thought it was a bad idea. So it's interesting to see your views as well. Like I say, your views are welcomed and respected and I'm not here to defend myself or argue. But I just want the thread gone before it attracts the wrong sort of attention.

Another one saying don't go. I understand how important hajj is, but I don't think this is the right time. It will affect your bond with your baby. There's no doubt about that. It will cause disease to you both. If canceling is not an option, I'd find a way to take him with you.

I'm sure you're family will do a great job of looking after him, but that's not the point.

Are you worried about how you’ll feel being without your baby for a month? Regardless of what the people around you say, what is your gut instinct?

There is no way you should leave your baby for that long at this age. The grandparents clearly do not have the faintest clue about child development or psychology. It will be very damaging for your child to leave him at that age.

Please read 'Why Love Matters' by Sue Gerhardt to inform yourself about how child will be developing, and how the bonds he makes in infancy will affect him for the rest of his life.

Hajj is important, but you will be able to go in the future. Please do not allow yourself to be bullied into this, for the sake of your child.

Sounds like your trip is more Important than your baby.
Sounds like how ever well intentioned the GPs are they are desperate to take over. If you go on your travels you will never have the baby back as your own. The GPs will own and dictate the relationship between yourself and your baby.
I'm quite frankly horrified.

Oh, goodness OP.

I can understand how all this happened, but basically your parents and ILs were making decisions for you when you didn't yet have the experience to know what you might want.

And as for them wanting you to go now because later will be too hard for THEM to look after your baby...

"I have spent every spare moment cuddling and holding baby to make sure he feels bonded and secure and to make up for all the cuddles I'm going to miss" YOU know this, you know you will be coming back to him. He has no idea that once you are gone you will ever come back. By 3.5 months he will recognise your face, your voice (he does that w of course) he will be gurgling at you and waving his arms at you in communication. I am sure he will be well looked after by people who love him. But personally wild horses would not have dragged me from my baby for a whole month at this age.

In your heart of hearts, do you feel you want to do this, this year? All my extended family members (DH's cousins) went when their kids were 7+ and at school. Can you sell the booking to someone else? Have you paid all the money?

Can you not take the baby with you? Most are very portable at that age!

Leaving your baby for a whole month?? It was bad enough leaving mine for 2 days a week when i went back to work. But if you put religion before your baby thats your choice. I just hope that grand parents remember how demanding it is caring for a young baby 24 hours a day and can cope with it.

I'm really shocked that they've said he wont know whether you've gone or not! Of course he will. He heard your voice when you carried him, he heard your heartbeat and he knows your smell means he is safe. I know the haj is important but surely your son's needs override the need to go for a month right now? The fact you are posting at all implies that you are not happy about the idea.

Another don't go. That is such a long time.
I wouldn't leave mine for a week and she's 4.

Find a copy of why love matters by sue gerhard
She claims that while babies can cope with such a traumatic event it will cause their brains to hard wire differently and will forever affect them emotionally and intellectually

the only situation in which is do that would be a life or death one for myself or another of my children. Otherwise no.

Doubtless you'll all survive, but when you get back his primary bond will have switched to one of the grandparents.

I would have felt as though my internal organs were being removed if I'd had to leave one of mine at 3.5 months old for an entire month.

I agree it sounds as though this is about what the grandparents want and you're destined for a bit part in your child's life if you go along with it.

Jinx insancerre

You don't have to defend yourself, your community and family obviously work differently to what most posters have experienced including myself.

But I do seriously think you will regret going.

Would you book it now or have your feelings changed since giving birth? I would suspect the latter.

I would be very concerned about the damage leaving such a young baby for such a long time would cause. I would t consider it. I get that things are important, but nothing is more important than doing the right thing for your child.

Hi OP, I haven't read the full thread so sorry if I've missed something. I'm Asian and Muslim and have done hajj. I would totally recommend you wait another year before you go. Your baby will be more than ready to he apart from you whereas right now he is really little and needs you. Going on hajj has a number of prerequisites and one of those is making sure those that are dependent on you are comfortable and looked after. Baby's grandparents will never be able to provide the comfort that you will, as his mother. Is there a reason you have to go this year and can't wait another 12 months?

This thread makes me sad- please listen to all the mums on here, your little baby needs you so much, you’re their whole world and there’s nobody quite like mummy for them.

I think it will be easier leaving a baby rather than a toddler or older child. The only thing is that the length of time is quite long. 10 days or 2 weeks is the normal length.

Just so sad that you'd even consider this. Your poor little baby. I'm sorry but it's utterly selfish.

I think it will be easier leaving a baby rather than a toddler or older child.

In the sense that a small baby is not physically capable of clinging to your ankles and wailing "mummy", yes, it's easier for the parent to leave them when they are very small. In the sense of the baby's emotional and intellectual development, it's worse for them. They have no reason, no concept of time and no object permanence. All they know is that their sole source of security, the person they can't even recognise that they're separate from yet, is gone and not coming back.

The baby will re-bond to his grandparents, yes, but he will be distressed in a way which can have long-term consequences, and he probably will not recognise OP as his mother when she comes back. By then, as far as he is concerned, his grandparents will be his parents.

I’m bemused that you booked it for a month when there was an option to do it in less time. Even if you were perfectly happy to leave your baby, surely you’d still want to leave them for the minimum length of time possible?

I wouldn't leave my child for a month, ever, unless I absolutely had to.

I left my DC for a maximum of 4 nights for work when they were pre-school, and they were very upset. They didn't cry , but one of them developed a different persona and demanded to be called a different name until I came back.

Next year is also too soon - the separation anxiety would be bad. They need to be able to understand when told where you are and when you will come back.

Poor baby

This is such a sad thread.

I feel for the original poster / mother as the reality is it will be so painful being away from such a young child.

The first night I spent away from my son was the night my daughter was born. He was 19 months old and at a house he was familiar with. That was hard enough.

It sounds like the GP are being very pushy and personally for me a religious pilgrimage would be a family affair.

I really hope your able to rearrange your plans - mainly so your GP realise they cannot pressure you into decisions with your children as it sounds like this could come up time and time again

Can I reiterate that the grandparents are not deliberately being pushy, but they genuinely believe that it will be okay?