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Leaving 3.5m old for a month

260 replies

carpetbrush · 12/06/2018 13:18

Hello. I have an 8 week old right now, but when he is 3.5m, I need to go abroad for one month. It's for the muslim pilgrimage (hajj). We had made the decision to go this year before I got pregnant and it's the best time for me and my DH as it would be complicated next year. Baby will be staying with my parents who he has spent lots of time with and also with my husband's parents who we live with. I know he's in good hands. I have spent every spare moment cuddling and holding baby to make sure he feels bonded and secure and to make up for all the cuddles I'm going to miss. The "fourth trimester" will be over pretty much, but do you think that DS will realise we are gone and do you think it will affect our bond given that we have bonded very well right now?.

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ems137 · 12/06/2018 14:27

I wouldn't leave my 12 YEAR old for a month let alone a tiny baby.

Those first months are the most important of a child's life for making secure attachments to its primary carer. You seriously run the highly likely risk that baby will have forgotten you and formed its secure bond with its grandparent.

gruber · 12/06/2018 14:31

That is a very long time, and, like others have said, will have a serious and long lasting impact on your child’s attachment. They will be emotionally traumatised. At 3 months they depend on you night and day. For you to suddenly not be there will be a massive shock, and cause intense distress.
While I see your reasons for going, I would gently suggest that this, of all years, is not the year to go. You may not physically be well enough after the birth. You may not have slept for a whole night. You may not actually be able to leave your baby (I couldn’t for even an hour at that age- he would just get so upset with anyone else).
Please, reconsider. Three months is very very tiny.

famousfour · 12/06/2018 14:31

I wouldn't personally. It seems a very long time for a baby. They can't complain in the same way as an older child and won't remember in the long term - so in that sense I see where your in laws are coming from. The baby would be physically fine and probably things would settle back after your return.

But my belief at least is that a young baby benefits from continuity, security and love from their primary caregiver if at all possible. No one can explain to the baby why you have disappeared and whether you are coming back. From my own perspective - I would also struggle to leave my children that long.

At the end of the day you must do what you think is best. I wouldnt go just because it was paid for.

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heateallthebuns · 12/06/2018 14:32

I agree with everyone else. You've got your whole life, don't go now. Baby will be traumatized and it sounds like the grandparents want to take over.

PalePinkSwan · 12/06/2018 14:33

I have a friend who left her baby for 3 weeks at a similar age.

He was well cared for by the grandparents, who he already knew.

But honestly he cried pretty much all the time.

They lived near me and I often chatted to the grandparents while they were walking him up and down in the buggy trying to get him to settle.

He pretty much cried till he was exhausted, went to sleep, woke up and cried more.

It was very upsetting for all involved.

When she got home he immediately wanted cuddles etc with her - but he then had horrible separation anxiety for months. He would literally scream and cry if she put him down in a bouncy chair while she was right beside him.

I once held him for two mins at baby club while she went to the loo, and he was distraught.

He’s 3 now and still quite a clingy and anxious child. Obviously no way to kno I whether the separation caused that, but she constantly worries that it did.

She told me last month that it was the single biggest mistake of her life. She regrets it everyday. She’s pregnant again and says she wouldn’t dream of going away while this baby is so young.

So based on that, pls don’t do this.

Ginger1982 · 12/06/2018 14:34

A month?? No way. I found it hard to leave DS for a night when he was one, never mind a newborn. I don't know anything about hajj but from what people are saying you could go anytime in your life? Don't go now.

Dobbythesockelf · 12/06/2018 14:35

I personally wouldn't. Yes a tiny baby might not have any sense of time and will be physically ok if looked after but I can't imagine it being easy on either you or the baby. Can you imagine not seeing your baby everyday? What if you miss a first milestone? He will get used to the grandparents who are looking after him so may lose some of the bond that you have developed over the last 3 months. I can't comment of hajj but I can't imagine that it is meant to be more important than a newborn baby.

PotteringAlong · 12/06/2018 14:36

Of course it’s an option to change or cancel the booking! No one is holding a gun to your head!

Hedwigsangryinch · 12/06/2018 14:37

My sister's baby is 3.5 months old, shes very aware of my sister being around. If I'm holding her she's looking for her mum to make sure she's still there. It took me a year to leave my youngest boy for a night with my mother! So no a month would be far too long personally.

happymummy12345 · 12/06/2018 14:37

Sorry but I couldn't. Not for any reason.

CoffeeIsNotEnough · 12/06/2018 14:37

Please don't do this.

Do the hajj when your children are older and can understand you are coming back.

2up2manydown · 12/06/2018 14:39

I can’t speak for your baby but as a mother I find it utterly bizarre that you would actually want to do this.

It’s cruel, selfish and hard to understand.

I have a Muslim friend who is also pushed around by her in-laws (who she lives with, same as you). If that’s the case here and others are pressuring you then I’m sorry. You need to stand firm.

But if you are going because you actually want to, well, then you’re a very cold sort of mother. A wedding overseas, a significant work project, a sick relative - all reasons I could understand, but a jaunt to pray???? You’re off your rocker.

timeisnotaline · 12/06/2018 14:42

Scheduling a once in a lifetime requirement, for at least twice the necessary time, when Baby is 3 months old? You have the next 50 years to do this. You can cancel - you can simply not go. No one would judge the mother of a tiny baby for not doing the hajj this year (except maybe your in laws and they don’t sound like they have your or baby’s best interests in mind). Don’t be bullied into this, do you really want going on the hajj to become one of your biggest regrets instead of the special and meaningful occasion it should be??

Sherriyousmelldifferent · 12/06/2018 14:43

No please don’t do this- your baby is still tiny and needs his mum, a month is such a long time to be separated! I really hope you stand up to the GPs

SoyDora · 12/06/2018 14:44

Not a single person on this thread has said that they think this is a good idea. What does that tell you OP?

wolfywynnie · 12/06/2018 14:48

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Littlelambpeep · 12/06/2018 14:48

No way would I do this. You have your whole life to go. I feel you shouldn't be pushed or guilt tripped into it. I haven't left mine for a night at four years and it would break my heart.

ourkidmolly · 12/06/2018 14:53

A terrible idea. Really terrible. You'll regret it. A 12 week old baby is very vulnerable and dependent on its mother for an evolutionary reason. What if the baby is sick and you're in Saudi?

SleepingStandingUp · 12/06/2018 14:57

Not that it's an option to cancel/change the booking well it sounds like you've made your decision and are just looking for everyone to tell you its fine.

Personally I don't think it is, but then we were barely out the hospital at that age. Thank god you've got a healthy baby who can be left.

I'm assuming as you we're encouraged to book this whilst pregnant there was also a clear understanding that you'd only bf dor a short while if at all - which is fine of that's what YOU wanted not if it was also something else you were pushed in to.

I think baby will miss you, and will then struggle missing DGP's once you're back.

I think you're going to find it incredibly hard, much more than it should be, because emotionally and physically you won't be ready.

balljuggla · 12/06/2018 14:57

Please don't do this. Your baby will absolutely wonder where you've gone and be really upset. Motherhood comes first, they don't ask to be born so we owe them the very best love and care. That means not abandoning them for a month when they're so little. My DD is 4.5 months and I can't imagine leaving her for so long.

SleepingStandingUp · 12/06/2018 15:00

just take the longer package seeing as we were going anyway
So not only did you purposely book a "do it once before you die" trip for just after your baby was born but you also booked the longest possible trip??

Polly2345 · 12/06/2018 15:00

However I do feel like once it's done, it's done and I'll never have to leave him again

I think that once you've done hajj the grandparents will come up with other reasons for you to leave the baby with them (like telling you to go back to work or go on a holiday). It sounds like they pushed you into booking hajj while you were pregnant. If you don't put your foot down now this will just go on and on. Are they your parents or your in laws?

I know nothing about hajj but I can't think of any religion that would expect a mother of a 3.5 month old to leave them for a month. From PP responses it sounds like you can do hajj when they're older.

SleepingStandingUp · 12/06/2018 15:01

I thought I would regret not going this year
Why? What's so special about this year when you have a tiny, sweet smelling human to stare at and look after, did you think you'd regret not leaving him for a month?

sobersandra · 12/06/2018 15:03

This looks like amazing DM fodder op. It's like their bingo.

'SELFISH MUSLIM MOTHER...'

Sad
TammySwansonTwo · 12/06/2018 15:04

Absolutely no way - I physically couldn’t do it.

One of my twins was in nicu for two months from birth and being away from him overnight every day killed me. Then when he was three months he was readmitted and very sick - I had to stay with him for 11 nights and due to how contagious his illness was, the other baby was at home with his dad. It absolutely broke my heart, and I know he was with my DH. They’re 20 months and I’ve never managed to leave them with anyone else since, other than DH, it has affected me so much. I absolutely would not do it for any reason. Very young babies can suffer attachment issues for life after being separated from their mother.