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Original poster

Leaving 3.5m old for a month

260 replies

carpetbrush · 12/06/2018 13:18

Hello. I have an 8 week old right now, but when he is 3.5m, I need to go abroad for one month. It's for the muslim pilgrimage (hajj). We had made the decision to go this year before I got pregnant and it's the best time for me and my DH as it would be complicated next year. Baby will be staying with my parents who he has spent lots of time with and also with my husband's parents who we live with. I know he's in good hands. I have spent every spare moment cuddling and holding baby to make sure he feels bonded and secure and to make up for all the cuddles I'm going to miss. The "fourth trimester" will be over pretty much, but do you think that DS will realise we are gone and do you think it will affect our bond given that we have bonded very well right now?.

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AnnaFiveTowns · 12/06/2018 15:06

I can't believe you're even considering this! Please don't leave your baby for a month, or even two weeks, at this stage of his or her life.

FinnJuhl · 12/06/2018 15:08

I agree with a PP. Am not usually paranoid, but it sounds like the grandparents might be wanting to take over and establish a parental bond with your child. So unless you are happy with this set up, do not leave your baby.

astoundedgoat · 12/06/2018 15:09

My two are 7 & 9 and I couldn't do it for a month even now. Don't be bullied here - I'm betting it's your husband's parents who were encouraging you to leave your newborn, right? Have you anyone on your team? It's rare for Mumsnetters to be so unanimous on something - you really should not go.

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NerrSnerr · 12/06/2018 15:09

I would wait until your children are teens (or even 18 and left home?) I couldn't have done it, a month is such a long time for such a tiny baby. I have a 3 year old and a 1 year old and a month would still be too long now for a trip that can be made any time in the future. I'd take the hit and lose the money.

NerdyBird · 12/06/2018 15:09

No way. I think it could be v damaging to baby. My dd is nearly 4 yo and I think I've left her for 3 nights, all just one night away. I couldn't contemplate leaving her for a month, unless she is 18 and she's going to uni or something.
I would wait until they are a lot older.

SleepingStandingUp · 12/06/2018 15:11

TammySwansonTwo Flowers

lifechangesforever · 12/06/2018 15:12

I'm definitely not one for saying a new parent should spend every waking moment with their baby and some time apart can be good, but a month? Like someone else has said, it's a quarter of their life and they will be confused when you come back.

I don't understand why you agreed to it - sounds like bullying to me.

Do you live with the grandparents in question? Maybe they see the baby as much theirs as yours - I wouldn't be comfortable with that.

Any booking can most certainly be undone - you simply just don't go or someone else can go in your place.

HeedMove · 12/06/2018 15:15

The only way youd seperate me from my baby for a month would be jail. Go but be prepared for him to want his grandparents when you come back when he crys, not you. He wont have a clue who you are after a month at such a young age so no you wont have a bond.

UrgentExitRequired · 12/06/2018 15:16

I really don't think you should go, one month is far too long to leave such a small baby. You have your whole lifetime to make a pilgrimage to Hajj, but you will never get this newborn time back agin.

UrgentExitRequired · 12/06/2018 15:18

@HeedMove hahaha That would be me too. I have a 6 week old and leaving him is not an option, especially not for an event that I could do another time.

Shiftymake · 12/06/2018 15:19

You should wait, your baby needs you more then your need to go on a pilgrimage. He will know you are gone and most likely forget you while you are doing this. Please show some common sense, it is much much better to wait for him to be older. This is clearly not the best time to go for you and your husband! Having children changes things, what was possible or sensible before changes when a baby is added to the equation.

Jammycustard · 12/06/2018 15:19

No. And I’m surprised your husband wants to as well.

LiteraryDevil1 · 12/06/2018 15:21

Of course I would. When hell freezes over. I wouldn't leave my 11, 9, and 3 year old for a month let alone a tiny baby. But then I breastfed/still breastfeed the youngest so couldn't anyway. The longest LO has been away from me is 2 nights because I was seriously ill in hospital. He was traumatised for months and whenever I left the room would cry and be really clingy. Your baby should come before what anyone else thinks and certainly before anything religious.

MessyBun247 · 12/06/2018 15:21

No, don’t do it. You planned the trip before you got pregnant. Now you have a dependent who is more important than any religion, a month away is far, far too long.

Charolais · 12/06/2018 15:23

When my son was 1 yr I was visiting my parents in the UK and went to London for the day leaving my baby with my very reliable mum. I was miserable without him - could not relax and enjoy the sights with my husband and older son. Late afternoon my instincts and lactation kicked in and I started RUNNING towards a nearby underground station to get home to him.

Of course your baby will be affected if you bugger off for a month!!!

I would never leave a newborn for a month. Being an atheist I don’t get religion at all. What could be more important than your baby?

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 12/06/2018 15:23

I would not do this, no.

Do you plan to go for Eid al Adha or little hajj?

jamoncrumpets · 12/06/2018 15:24

In your culture, as I understand it OP, the whole family raises the child. So I can see why GPs have encouraged you to go and why you might be tempted. But on the other hand you have the (very solid) theory of attachment - in which babies anchor themselves to a primary caregiver in the first year of life. This is important no matter how large/closely involved the wider family are. Your baby is still in the 4th trimester. They need you on a primal level. They need your scent, your touch, your voice. Yours only.

Mountainsoutofmolehills · 12/06/2018 15:26

Your baby will be fine :) Go. Be free :) Do your Haj, baby will be loved and nourished at home.

Lots of babies are brought up in big extended families, these days england has become so individual nuclear families, and even smaller. Why are you asking an opinion mums net? Of course they will tell you your child will be traumatised. I am not worried about the kid, I am concerned you'll be missing your baby.

Original poster
carpetbrush · 12/06/2018 15:27

Thanks for all your replies. It's the reason I've posted, just to see what the consensus is. I'd just clear it up that the grandparents have the best intentions and they aren't trying to take him away or anything like that. But thanks you for your responses. I've asked for this thread to be deleted however as I don't want it attracting too much attention. Thank you though.

OP posts:
Kardashianlove · 12/06/2018 15:27

do you think that DS will realise we are gone of course he will realise you are gone, he just won’t be able to communicate it like an older child would. At that age, he’ll think you are literally gone foreverSad he’ll have no concept or understanding that you’re coming back.
You don’t need to go abroad.

No one can tell you how it will affect him but obviously it isn’t good for him and will probably be traumatic for him, possibly damaging.

You have got your whole life to make this trip, I wouldn’t choose to do it when he’s so young. Can you imaging going tomorrow and leaving him? I don’t think 3.5 Months is much different/better.

I agree with pp, it’s made me feel sad that you are even considering this as a possibility (both for you and your DS) you will never, ever get this time back. Imagine if you’d missed a month of his life now and were walking back in to an 8 week old having left him at 4 weeks.

Sirzy · 12/06/2018 15:27

So are you still planning on going?

AmazingPostVoices · 12/06/2018 15:27

I agree with previous posters that your baby will indeed miss you and be affected by your absence.

The other thing to think about is how it will affect you.

I’m pretty sure that you will be miserable every single day.

You are going to waste the opportunity of this trip of a lifetime because you will be desperately missing your baby.

I really would recommend that you cancel and do it in ten years time.

Katescurios · 12/06/2018 15:28

Will you be physically ready for it?

Reading the comments on here about hardship, physical exhaustion, extreme heat, crowds....

I do think he will miss you, I don't believe he will be forever traumatised by you being gone, but I also don't think I could have emotionally coped with not seeing my very young child for such a long time at that age.

LupinsNotBluebells · 12/06/2018 15:33

From what I've read of your post, your parents/ in-laws are selling this to you as being more convenient for them and not because it's advantageous to you or the baby. They'll find it harder to look after an older child for a month.

I wouldn't be away from my baby for this sort of length of time. If you had to be in hospital for an operation, fine, but you could wait until the baby is at school and go then.

mynamechangemyrules · 12/06/2018 15:34

There is a third way; my friend went last year and took all three children, the youngest of whom was 1. She took her mum and dad along and one of them, or the Mun herself, stayed with the baby while the other took part in different days of the hajj. I think she found it really emotional and fulfilling to be on hajj with her children.