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Original poster

Kids caught "playing doctor" other mum furious

233 replies

Isthisnormalfor6yearolds · 13/05/2018 18:58

So I'm horribly confused & frightened now and not sure what to do. My DC's (DS 6, DD 4) spent the day at my DF's house with her two DD's (also 6 & 4). They've all been friends since they were babies, so we're very excited. When I picked them up, all seemed normal. Well a few hours later, my DF calls and tells me that she caught her eldest DD & my DS in the bathroom touching each other. She said she heard my DS ask her DD to lie down and open her legs, and he touched her vagina. He also had his pants off. Apprantely they were laughing and giggling. (When I asked DS & DD later, DS said friends DD asked him to take his pants down first, DD confirms this, and that the two 4 year olds we're opening the door and thought it was all very funny).

DF finished telling me what happened and said she now has to think of her daughter and that my son is no longer allowed near her, and that we can no longer be friends.

I'm in shock. Part of me thinks, that while inappropriate, this whole thing is nothing more than normal childhood doctor. But her reaction has me looking up psychologists for my DS, who has never done anything like this before, as far as I know!

I've been googling signs of sexual abuse but he doesn't fit any of those.

I'm scared and upset 😟 and I don't know who is overreacting.

OP posts:
MissSusanSays · 14/05/2018 08:01

Oh, and I'd send a final message outlining that your children are very, very clear that her DD was the instigator. That you are treating her gossip spreading as malicious and defamatory and that you've contacted a lawyer. If she doesn't stop spreading misinformation about your son then you'll be forced to take further action against her.

But only if you never want to salvage your relationship.

Original poster
Isthisnormalfor6yearolds · 14/05/2018 08:02

But only if you never want to salvage your relationship.

I don't. Not in the US, can't say where I am as it's outing. I'm searching for lawyers now. Even if it's just for a consultation.

OP posts:
VerbenaBorensis · 14/05/2018 08:03

The boy always gets the blame! As u say there doesn't seem to be a victim as such but some are making out there is. As for mudslinging and being a private matter-bloody cheek! -it's your private matter it's about yr son. You shouldn't have defend him and neither have done anything wrong. How old was the boy in the park incident? That sounds more worrying as seems like re enactment-child copying what he's thou and not understanding what he's copying?.

Original poster
Isthisnormalfor6yearolds · 14/05/2018 08:07

How old was the boy in the park incident?

Older than the DD. I believe maybe 8 or 9.

OP posts:
MrsMassey · 14/05/2018 08:12

Horrible woman.

madeyemoodysmum · 14/05/2018 08:15

It's normal. I kissed my cousin at that age and we cuddled.
My friends dd showed her friend her bits at that age too in the swim school changing rooms.

It's normal.

Calledyoulastnightfromglasgow · 14/05/2018 08:16

This is where I think the world has gone mad. Twenty years ago parents would have laughed this off

I have daughters and would still laugh this off

I feel sorry for the DD too as she will be freaking out.

Please don’t cry - this is honestly not
Your fault and not your son’s. Reasonable and normal people would see that

SuburbanRhonda · 14/05/2018 08:16

I work in safeguarding with children this age. I have worked with a service that supports children who show inappropriate sexual behaviour. We use the traffic light tool linked to above. OP, please have a look at it to reassure yourself that the behaviour is part of normal child development.

How sad that not only has she refused to hear your DS’s side of the story, but she is encouraging her friends to do the same. Makes you wonder why she feels she has to get her side in first.

VerbenaBorensis · 14/05/2018 08:22

Well I would have been concerned about the boy in the park if I was her! If any of the other mums have any sense they will realise that yr friend has blown this all out of proportion. Prob happened with their kids but not mentioned it cos its not worth it. And of course she would accuse yr DC of having another story cos her DD wouldn't ever lie would she??!! She needs to get a grip on reality. Try not to waste yr energy getting upset on this. She is being ridiculous mate.

astoundedgoat · 14/05/2018 08:53

That's so stressful for you. Hopefully if she is spreading lies about your son, she will keep it to the "inner circle" and not spread it further afield. I think you are doing the right thing talking to a lawyer. Are you in your home country or are you in an expat community? Is there a child protection agency there?

Original poster
Isthisnormalfor6yearolds · 14/05/2018 09:03

or are you in an expat community? Is there a child protection agency there?

Expat community. Yes there is, but I wouldn't say it's particularly on the ball. I'm mostly concerned about her going to my DS's school. It's private so could easily toss him out over something like this.

OP posts:
Notthatwomanagain · 14/05/2018 09:04

I know I’m going against the general consensus but I think there does need to be a safeguarding review

That little girl had a possibly traumatic event in the park esp given the child who did that to her was older. This may have led her to act it out with your son. The fact she instigated the play with him does lead me to wonder if she is trying to work through past events.

Please flag this up somehow. If your friend won’t listen do you have a mutual sensible friend who could hear the whole story? This little girl may need help.

Original poster
Isthisnormalfor6yearolds · 14/05/2018 09:09

Do you have a mutual sensible friend who could hear the whole story?

I tried. I was told I was mudslinging. I do tend to agree that there seems to be an issue with the DD. I've privately thought she was a little to interested in marriage, kissing, boyfriends, etc and has been from a young age. I thought my friend agreed that her interest was a little too mature for her age, which is why I'm shocked that she's throwing this back at my DS, who has never displayed this kind of behavior.

OP posts:
SubtitlesOn · 14/05/2018 09:24

What does your DH/DP or DS' father say about what happened?

Original poster
Isthisnormalfor6yearolds · 14/05/2018 09:28

What does your DH/DP or DS' father say about what happened?

He feels the same as me. He doesn't understand why she waited so long to say something, or why they were even able to be alone together that long with no one checking on them.

He also says that he's been at the park with her and her father and the DD in question is always lifting her dress up and hugging, hanging onto my son. Again, we passed it off as a crush.

He's fully in favor of contacting a lawyer. In the country we are in what she's doing amounts to criminal defamation, so she could face jail time & a hefty fine.

OP posts:
PickwickThePlockingDodo · 14/05/2018 09:42

she could face jail time & a hefty fine.

Can't help thinking this has been blown out of all proportion.
I would text all your mutual friends and state the facts of what happened, at her house (no 'mud-slinging) and then just leave it.

SubtitlesOn · 14/05/2018 09:44

Can he talk to her DH/DP?

Man to man - to see if he can talk some sense into the girl's dad, basically to stop them going to your DS' school and tell him that you both are consulting lawyers about deformation if they don't stop spreading stuff

So how long was it between you collecting them and the phone call?

He could also ask the other dad why did she wait so long?

Your friendship is ruined already but he might get some sense out of the other dad (without the mum there giving him the answers) and get the answers to your queries as to why etc?

Original poster
Isthisnormalfor6yearolds · 14/05/2018 09:45

Can't help thinking this has been blown out of all proportion.
I would text all your mutual friends and state the facts of what happened, at her house (no 'mud-slinging) and then just leave it.

It has. To be clear, I want to consult with a lawyer in case she takes this further. I don't want to press charges. A cease and desist letter would be more than enough.

I already have. I was told this was a private matter and I was mud slinging by suggesting that her version wasn't the only one.

OP posts:
SubtitlesOn · 14/05/2018 09:46

Was the other dad in the house at same time?

Rapunzel15 · 14/05/2018 09:47

I remember this happening as a child with a close family friend when i was about 5 or 6. My DM came in and redressed us and told us thats those parts of our bodies are private and we will learn more about other peoples bodies as we grow up. No more was said about it and it didnt happen again. He certainly didnt grow up to be a rapist.
I would definitely have another conversation with your friend about this though because you dont want your friends overreaction to turn into something that could damage your childs reputation for the rest of his childhood i.e. being known as the rapist child

Original poster
Isthisnormalfor6yearolds · 14/05/2018 09:47

Can he talk to her DH/DP?

He's a grade A asshole with a temper. He doesn't like my DH as is, thinks he's inferior to him because my DH is younger or something.

So how long was it between you collecting them and the phone call?

4 hours give or take?

OP posts:
Staying · 14/05/2018 10:08

I'm so glad that a lawyer has been suggested! I was thinking that earlier but was so angry wasn't sure if I was overreacting! It's utter defamation and if she was saying these things about an adult there'd be action taken, rightly.

Original poster
Isthisnormalfor6yearolds · 14/05/2018 10:19

I'm so glad that a lawyer has been suggested! I was thinking that earlier but was so angry wasn't sure if I was overreacting!

Given where we live, I think its prudent rather than over-reacting. I'm just waiting for some call backs. I keep checking my email over and over again to see if their is a letter from his school. I feel sick. It feels like my entire world fell apart last night.

OP posts:
Staying · 14/05/2018 10:19

And please speak to your child's school before she does - either directly or indirectly (expat circles and whispers..).

And you could also ask to speak to your child's teacher to make sure that he's not been doing anything like this at school - it's so out of character.

I had a horrible experience with DS at someone else's house. He was 4. Something big and expensive was broken and he got the blame, 100% even though her DS was clearly involved. When I asked DS and separately DD (3) what had happened they both told me the same story, saying that it was the other boy who instigated it then egged DS on. My kids (at that point) never lied (those were nice days!) so I was pretty certain what had happened. I went to the school to double check with the teacher that there wasn't another side to him that I'd not witnessed, to see if she had problems with him lying. I didn't tell her why to start with. She told me that if he told me something it was 100% reliable. When I told her the story, she doubled-down on how she believed him and what he said happened (she knew the other family, so difference there to your situation). Just telling you this because perhaps it's a way to approach the school in a calm way that shows you're reasonable, but let them know what's happening too.

Staying · 14/05/2018 10:20

*just to add the other boy egged him on WHILST doing exactly the same thing himself - so my DS wasn't sure about continuing.