Kids caught "playing doctor" other mum furious

[Isthisnormalfor6yearolds]

So I'm horribly confused & frightened now and not sure what to do. My DC's (DS 6, DD 4) spent the day at my DF's house with her two DD's (also 6 & 4). They've all been friends since they were babies, so we're very excited. When I picked them up, all seemed normal. Well a few hours later, my DF calls and tells me that she caught her eldest DD & my DS in the bathroom touching each other. She said she heard my DS ask her DD to lie down and open her legs, and he touched her vagina. He also had his pants off. Apprantely they were laughing and giggling. (When I asked DS & DD later, DS said friends DD asked him to take his pants down first, DD confirms this, and that the two 4 year olds we're opening the door and thought it was all very funny).

DF finished telling me what happened and said she now has to think of her daughter and that my son is no longer allowed near her, and that we can no longer be friends.

I'm in shock. Part of me thinks, that while inappropriate, this whole thing is nothing more than normal childhood doctor. But her reaction has me looking up psychologists for my DS, who has never done anything like this before, as far as I know!

I've been googling signs of sexual abuse but he doesn't fit any of those.

I'm scared and upset 😟 and I don't know who is overreacting.

It IS normal for 6 year olds!
You do need to tell him not to do that even if someone asks him to however (I mean until hes older!)
Thats all it takes and I think the other mothers reaction will do more harm than good in the long run. You dont want children internalising weird hang ups over their perfectly innocent and normal behaviour. Id down play something like this if it appeared consensual and there wasnt a large age gap. Id just calmly tell them it was not something that they should be doing as those areas are private. Not go mental and create a massive fuss over it as that will harm her daughter who is now going to feel massively guilty about the whole thing if it were her initiative.

Totally normal, I remember doing very similar with the boy next door when I was that age!

It's absolutely normal for this age

I mean its her daughter she is harming not your son.. imagine how that little girl must feel being told she will 'never see her friend again' because of some silly game she started to play. Awful thing to tell a child!!

Awful thing to tell a child!!

I know. I don't know how I'm going to tell DS, or tell them we aren't going to the party this weekend.

All I could think was, Jesus what if DS has been sexually abused? What do I do? Who do I talk to? In the past I would talk to DF about something like that, but she cut me off immdiately!

Over reactions by parents at this age can set up life long hang ups in children (in my experience)

At such a young age it’s light conversation about privacy and keeping clothes on - not the Spanish Inquisition !

I had a similar situation with my DD in school where she mentioned to me (whilst naked after a bath) that this was like 'doing sexy' in school (transpired they took clothes off and lay on top of each other in toilet). I was very shocked as she had no idea what sex was to my knowledge. There was a group (all girls). School took it very very seriously as a safeguarding issue. I was not upset at all at the girl instigating, but was worried on their behalf as to where they got that from.

At 6, I think they both know it is wrong if they were embarrassed, but not sure why friend is 'blaming' your ds. As your friend, I would wonder what your DS has seen to even be interested in this. At 6, my twin ds and dd were having baths and not that bothered about each other's private parts anymore than any other part of their bodies. You have a dd, so I am wondering why your ds was that interested. Surely he knows what they all look like with a sister, although your friend's dd may be more curious about boys.

As your friend, I would wonder what your DS has seen to even be interested in this. At 6, my twin ds and dd were having baths and not that bothered about each other's private parts anymore than any other part of their bodies. You have a dd, so I am wondering why your ds was that interested. Surely he knows what they all look like with a sister, although your friend's dd may be more curious about boys.

I've asked, he says nothing. He says the other girl asked him to touch her, and asked him to take his pants down.

Surely he knows what they all look like with a sister

Good point. So more likely it was her DD that was the instigator.

isthisnormal I think there would be other signs on top of this if your DS had been abused... The other mum really is overreacting and this is in the normal spectrum of behaviour for kids that age... its so so common and on its own is not a sign of abuse. If they had being doing anything that suggested they had some level of sexual knowledge and were copying something they had had done to them that would be different.... but natural curiosity about looking at the opposite genders genitals is commonplace at that age and not something they will have to have picked up off an adult.... children think to do this around that age when they realise the differences between themselves and the other gender....
I really would not worry about your son unless there is a bigger picture of odd behaviour from him or he has been doing this often. Just have a chat with him about those parts being private etc

I would not tell him about the friends overreaction and I would try to shield him from that to be honest.
Has your friend experienced abuse herself perhaps as a child and that is why she is reacting so intensely? It does seem odd if she is an otherwise reasonable person and has been your friend for a long time

Have you actually talked to your ds and told him what he did wasn’t appropriate?

Has your friend experienced abuse herself perhaps as a child and that is why she is reacting so intensely

Not that I know of no. In fact my mother was sexually abused as a child, so as a result it's something I'm hyper aware of. Which is why my first thought was that this was normal exploration, that maybe got a little out of hand as the two of them do tend to goad each other on.

Have you actually talked to your ds and told him what he did wasn’t appropriate?

No, I jumped straight on mumsnet to take an opinion poll.. Yes of course, we had a long talk.

It’s not great and I’d be upset but your son doesn’t need a psychologist. It’s inappropriate but very normal, I remember doing similar with my male neighbour (both 5/6 yo) and it was curiosity and playing doctors. Tel him he shouldn’t do it but he’s not messed up in the head or anything.

Totally normal healthy behaviour for this age group.

Your friend needs to educate herself.

It's perfectly normal. I can remember being about 7 and playing tickling games with neighbours (also female, same age) where we would pull our pants down and tickle each other's bare bum cheeks. I also remember playing "house" and picking somebody to be the naughty maid who lifted her dress up and showed her bare bum because she had no knickers on! We all grew up to be heterosexual so it wasn't really anything to do with actual sex, although I do remember thinking that it was sex and knowing I shouldn't tell my mum.

She's over reacting. Its normal. Maybe send her the link pippin8 wisely suggested. Similar happened to my DS and my friend automatically blamed him althou actually all that happened was her DS dropped things into her knickers and they both giggled.My friend told them off but I casually asked him about it and that was it. We are still friends and was never mentioned again. I just thought she was prob being OTT as she had quite a strict upbringing.

Don't tell DS he'll never see her again. Try to see other people and distract - just don't mention her or the I codent again.

And go to that party! Or if you don't do something he REALLY wants to do or else he's missing out on things because of your friend's overreaction.

And I'd send her that NSPCC link too - you've nothing to lose.

You may feel your DS is showing no other signs of CSA but I wonder about your friend’s DD?
Your son suggests she asked him to take his pants down and touch her.
This is possibly something to be concerned about (possibly not) and I would suggest your DF considers this more closely before assuming your son is at fault.

Difficulty is how you broach that with her but I think I’d have to else I wouldn’t feel I could rest easy. You have no way of knowing if that little girl has been abused.

She may be overreacting but I think I'd be the same so soon after the incident. I'd be furious with My 6yr old if he'd find that and if it was my dd I'd go into protection mode too

I think go to party give her time to reflect then try to build bridges if you want to

Totally, totally normal at 6. I remember doing this with a boy I grew up with as a child.

I’m sure I’ve read a very very similar thread on here before.

I don’t think the other mother is over reacting, I would be exactly the same if I had a daughter, but I wouldn’t want it to have an effect on our friendship or the children’s friendship.

OP at age 6 your DS should be familiar with the under wear rule give your friend a few days to cool off and once she has I suggest you bring both children together and have a talk with them to insure it doesn’t happen again.

It’s totally normal behaviour, I wouldn’t worry about that.

But I would be very worried that your friend could jump to the conclusions she’s reached, so quickly and after hearing only her 6yo’s story.

Any parent should know that by this age what their child says isn’t always correctly relayed back, or necessarily truthful, or not mangled in comprehension. She’s crediting her DD with far too much emotional intelligence and actual intelligence. It’s not right for her DD.

It’s also absolutely unacceptable that she has treated your DS this way. How dare she?? Who does she think she is?? I’d be livid if she breathed a word to anyone about any of this, because stuff like this spreads like wildfire, affects everybody in the family and sticks around for years. And the more you deny or explain to counter-attack, the worse you come off. She’s put you in a real corner and singled out your boy.

Do not cancel this party. Go. Let her blank you. Let other people ask wtf is going on. Then tell them she’s behaved appallingly towards your DS and you’ve decided it’s best you all keep your distance.

Tell your DD and DD that the grown ups are having a disagreement about something that doesn’t affect them, and that they may not be seeing their friends for a while - if they ask. If they don’t ask, don’t say anything.

I don’t often get angry on strangers’ behalf on MN but this is another level of awfulness. Seriously.

We played 'doctors and nurses' aged 4,5-6,7.

Completely normal part of psychosexual development.