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Livid at in laws over poorly baby

164 replies

user1485778793 · 01/07/2017 05:31

I've posted a few times about my in laws and my new baby. Back story: baby has life limiting condition requiring a lot of surgery, he's had one major op at 4 days old, he's now 19 days and they're preparing for next op in a few weeks. He's on a lot of medication, tube fed and has oxygen, so there are a lot of wires and tubes coming out of his incubator. We made it clear that only dh and me would be holding him as we have been shown how to with all the wires etc. We asked all visits to be limited to twice a week which everyone except inlaws respected.

I walked into the ward yesterday and the inlaws were there holding him. Firstly I'm livid they were holding him after they have been told no and secondly they were allowed in without myself or dh. All other visitors have been asked to wait outside the ward until we get there.

I immediately told mil to put him back, the nurse took him off her straight away and she sat there with a face like thunder staring at me. I left the room to ring dh and ask if they'd made arrangements with him, he said no.

The nurse asked if I wanted them to leave. I said yes, they refused and wanted to speak to me. That turned into a bit of a row her blaming everyone else and she said 'wait till someone comes along and takes your child away'

Dh is angry, I'm livid. I just want to ban them totally. It's all about them. She left crying...not because of what I've said she just cries all the time.

OP posts:
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AnnieAnoniMouse · 01/07/2017 05:43

I'm so sorry to hear your DS has a life limiting condition 💐x

I'm a bit on the fence here though.

If it was my parents & my SIL in this situation I'd feel like whilst he is YOUR DS, he's also their Grandson & it's heartbreaking for them too. Twice a week doesn't seem very much & not being allowed to hold him must be really awful for them. If the nurse got him out & 'set them up' I really can't understand why it's a problem UNLESS he's only allowed to be held for a limited amount of time each day, but even then, can they not have a tiny bit of that time?

On the other hand, my ex in laws were really, really, awful people and in your situation I wouldn't have wanted them within a country mile of the hospital. I'm not sure what I would have tolerated.

Big hugs xx

insancerre · 01/07/2017 05:45

I am really sorry that your baby is so poorly but I also feel sorry for your in laws at being excluded
They have s relationship with your baby too, and it does sound like you are being a little too controlling
Isn't it good that but baby has someone there to care fr him when you can't be there?
The medical staff must have felt comfortable with how the baby was being held

Sorry, probably not what you wanted to hear, but I do think you are not thinking starlight, which is a understandable given the circumstances. But you do need to consider other people too.
Hope the operation goes well

guiltynetter · 01/07/2017 05:50

it's such a hard situation you're dealing with but i do think you're being a bit U (and it will be hard to be reasonable as you're going through so many emotions)

he's their grandchild. the nurse was there with them so i'm sure he was safe? maybe the nurse passed them to him so they didn't have to fiddle about with wires?

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user1485778793 · 01/07/2017 05:51

Medical staff have said skin to skin contact for a prolonged period only to help with my milk production and minimise movement of wires etc. The cannulas he has are very temperamental if knocked. And him having to have more put in is an ordeal for him. The staff didn't take him out, mil lifted him out and sat down just as I walked in.

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fairiedemon · 01/07/2017 05:56

I'm so sorry. I've been where you are and I did exactly the same as you are doing as it was the only way I could cope with what was happeneing. You don't need the extra stress of people not keeping boundaries especially when you are going through hell and there are risks to your precious newborn. I don't regret my decisions one second and neither should you.

user1485778793 · 01/07/2017 05:58

She's also very unsteady on her feet and she'd stood to lift him from his incubator. We asked people to reduce visits to twice a week because so many people were coming and there's a 3 to a bed limit....some people were sat waiting for ages so we tried to be fair and equal for everyone

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lastnightiwenttomanderley · 01/07/2017 06:02

OP, am I correct in thinking then that ILs just removed him from his cot/incubator without any nurse or parental supervision?

BastardGoDarkly · 01/07/2017 06:04

She absolutely should not have taken him out without medical supervision, wtf was she thinking?

That alone would have me raging. Her wants do not trump that baby's well being.

I'm so sorry your little boy is poorly op Flowers

runawaysimba · 01/07/2017 06:05

I'm surprised at the first reactions you've had here, OP. My DD was in NICU is the early days and if I'd walked in to find someone other than DP holding her - especially if they just helped themselves!! - I'd have been kicking them out for the duration.

He might be their grandchild but he is under medical care. There are reasons hospitalised, post- and pre-op children aren't available for cuddles on demand, and most NICUs have very clear visiting rules - ours was two people at a time, one of them a parent or guardian.

Right now they should be supporting their own child instead of being possessive about their grandchild.

WillowWeeping · 01/07/2017 06:05

If she removed him from his incubator without medical supervision I think you also have a problem with the medical staff and you need to talk to them about why that was permitted.

runawaysimba · 01/07/2017 06:08

Ex-posted with a few people, including OP. I'd be reading her the riot act about the damage she could have done.

user1497480444 · 01/07/2017 06:09

This IS her grand child. You do need to let her hold him!

user1485778793 · 01/07/2017 06:10

She took him out because no one was watching in those few seconds I suspect. It's 1 nurse to 3 patients in there. There are 2 nurses so if they are busy and no alarms were going off someone could easily pick a baby up. Tbh I'm there most of the time, I just went out for prescription at the time, I was gone half an hour at the most

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n0rtherrn · 01/07/2017 06:13

YANBU

I would be absolutely furious. No way in hell should she have removed him from the incubator herself. It doesn't bear thinking about what may have happened if she accidentally knocked a vital tube or wire.

People need to accept this is not about them, only his parents need to be there and to hold him right now. They should be understanding and be there to support you, not make things harder.

user1485778793 · 01/07/2017 06:13

I know he is her grand child. But she has no respect for rules, her needs come before everything, even his medical care.....that makes her dangerous!

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LittleElfSocks · 01/07/2017 06:17

Yanbu op I'm so mad on your behalf at the in laws and the staff- why the hell were they let in- in the first place?
You don't need this stress ATM they overstepped the mark, make it clear to the hospital that under no circumstances anyone else allowed in there picking up your child (again).
I'm so sorry op you need support not arguments- we're all here for you and your brave ds

Zampa · 01/07/2017 06:17

Flowers to you and your DH. I hope your baby is able to come home soon.

When DD was in NICU no-one could go in without a parent being present. Is it the same on your ward? I'd definitely discuss your feelings with the staff.

I can sympathise with your family being upset at not having a cuddle, especially if there's any chance baby may not pull through (I really hope that's not the case). You're right to be cross and it's so hard to think outside your bubble when your child is ill. However, banning them would be a pretty extreme measure and will cause long term repercussions.

Take time to speak to them rationally and explain your feelings and the reasons for the rules you've put in place. Hopefully, family will understand. Emotions are clearly fraught on both sides.

MrsOverTheRoad · 01/07/2017 06:20

I'm so sorry OP Flowers

The staff should NEVER have let this happen! Never. It's terrible...in my opinion!

KidneyBeanbag · 01/07/2017 06:21

YANBU at all. I am so upset for you OP.

Your PIL should respect your wishes and the medical requirements. They have had their children and must take a back seat, they just cannot be acting like this. I just don't know why anyone would think their behaviour is OK.

I am so sorry that you and your DH are going through this, and it is terrible that you PIL are making it worse. Please don't take any nonsense and the nursing staff must be clearly instructed to help you enforce your entirely sensible and reasonable wishes.

I just can't even begin to imagine thinking it is OK to lift a poorly baby out of his bed when you have been asked not to and without even asking a nurse's permission/ advice. Good grief. I am quite sure that you and your DH would like to hold him more and take him for walks etc and so if you can control your urges and needs for the good of your baby, then they can as well.

I hope the hospital will support you better with this. My heart goes out to you all OP

SilveryFlowers · 01/07/2017 06:22

Hang on, did I read correctly, she said to you 'wait until someone takes your child away from you?' To a mother with a newborn with a life limiting condition?

She said that? I would have gone seriously apeshit all over her...

That is purely, completely, always unforgiveable.

user1485778793 · 01/07/2017 06:26

Yep, that's what she said....along with some other emotional blackmail crap

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MrsOverTheRoad · 01/07/2017 06:26

Silvery I thought the same...OP that's a shocking thing she said. I hope DH is supporting you...though he must be upset too!

user1485778793 · 01/07/2017 06:28

He's livid!

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GirlcalledJames · 01/07/2017 06:30

If they can't follow medical guidance about what is best for the baby they don't deserve to be there.
Does your dh have any siblings who could step in and manage the PIL for you?

MrsOverTheRoad · 01/07/2017 06:35

OP how is your and DH's relationship with his parents usually?