Livid at in laws over poorly baby

[user1485778793]

I've posted a few times about my in laws and my new baby. Back story: baby has life limiting condition requiring a lot of surgery, he's had one major op at 4 days old, he's now 19 days and they're preparing for next op in a few weeks. He's on a lot of medication, tube fed and has oxygen, so there are a lot of wires and tubes coming out of his incubator. We made it clear that only dh and me would be holding him as we have been shown how to with all the wires etc. We asked all visits to be limited to twice a week which everyone except inlaws respected.

I walked into the ward yesterday and the inlaws were there holding him. Firstly I'm livid they were holding him after they have been told no and secondly they were allowed in without myself or dh. All other visitors have been asked to wait outside the ward until we get there.

I immediately told mil to put him back, the nurse took him off her straight away and she sat there with a face like thunder staring at me. I left the room to ring dh and ask if they'd made arrangements with him, he said no.

The nurse asked if I wanted them to leave. I said yes, they refused and wanted to speak to me. That turned into a bit of a row her blaming everyone else and she said 'wait till someone comes along and takes your child away'

Dh is angry, I'm livid. I just want to ban them totally. It's all about them. She left crying...not because of what I've said she just cries all the time.

The nurses should be on board with stopping this x

First of all, I'm so sorry about your baby

Second, whilst I do see a tiny tiny part of your PIL side, (he is their grandson and it's must be hard to be limited in seeing him and not holding him), YADNBU in the slightest! If she had said things like 'please just for a second could I just hold him for a second' and respected all of your completely reasonable requests regarding your unwell baby, that would have been fine! But she didn't.

You need to do what is right for your baby and you and your DH. And in my eyes, she is untrustworthy and immature beyond her own wants and needs and I wouldn't let her near my child. In no uncertain terms would she be allowed back.

And that comment...even I felt that hit me in the stomach. What a disgusting bitch. I wouldn't speak to her again.

Once again, I'm so so sorry. This is so unfair on you and your little baby. Absolutely all the best wishes I can give you

I've also had a miscarriage and babies in SCBU. Your ILs do not understand and if they did they wouldn't be behaving like this. I'm very surprised the ward don't think they can keep them out. Even if they can't keep them off the scbu unit, it should be simple to keep them out of the room. Although any hospital claiming they are unable to restrict access to their most vulnerable babies needs to be questioned.

I'm glad he's improved a bit, hope it continues.

Honestly I would escalate this. It is not okay to say that people come and go. Hospitals have v strict security. Our SCBU had 'please do not let others enter' in big letters. Someone screwed up massively. It isn't possible to take a baby out of an incubator in seconds (even when DS was on the lowest monitoring it was still a palaver getting him out) so I reckon they had been there some time. There has been a big breach somewhere and the ward manager is arse covering.

I hope your son is doing well. But I would really really escalate this. It could have serious consequences for the hospital.

PS We spent 9.5 weeks on NICU/SCBU and this would have been impossible. Also PILs did put a lot of pressure on us to let them see DS2. We refused outright and said they could wait till he left hospital.

I also would escalate this. It's up to you who visits your child and when. It's very worrying anyone could get in and pick up your child without your consent. I think they do need to be banned for the moment. It could be explained to them that it's on medical grounds, and only allowed contact as and when your dp is present and happy to supervise. You don't need any additional stress at a time like this and they clearly aren't respecting your wishes.

Despite feeling sorry that your baby is unwell and despite knowing this is a dreadful strain on you, I do think you are allowing your need to feel in control of your rather frightening world a bit OTT.
It is really harsh to exclude the grandparents. Really hard for them to want to love and care for your little one too but be pushed away.

I've never known anyone just walk into a neonatal intensive care unit and pick a baby up - most people are terrified of hurting the child or doing something wrong even if the baby only had a supingle drip in place. If they're fully wired up in an incubator or ventilated, it's almost impossible for someone to " just walk in and pick the baby up. So something has got confused in the telling.

You might want their support and help later on. Try and be a bit kinder now. You sound really unkind towards the mother in law at the moment.

OP I'm so sorry for what you are going through. The needs of your baby trump everything else. Ultimately it may be hard for GPS and other family but everyone needs to do the best by your child and should be supporting you & your DH

Take it you've never had a child in NICU Crumbs. Take it you haven't had to deal with family members or in laws with narcissistic tendencies.

I worked in NICU for many years, as happens.

So crumbs, MIL deliberately ignoring the requests of the new mother MIL telling the OP someone will take the baby away from her and making the situation all about them when they should be supporting the new parents isn't grounds for them to be "pushed away"?

Appreciate you have worked in these situations but you are ignoring the behaviour of the MIL. Just because you are a grandparent it doesn't give you a pass to behave so appallingly!

Glad to hear he's a little better OP.

The ward managers response is unacceptable, I've worked in many day nurseries with better security and they have as an OP says, clear signs that no one but staff is to let anyone in, including not letting people in behind you as you enter. My local hospital children's general wards don't let anyone in that hasn't been buzzed in by staff, so there is no way children this vulnerable should be available to anyone who walks in off the street. I think it's unlikely this is actually hospital policy! Escalate higher, and talk to PALS as it sounds like in laws are going to insist their right to do their thing comes before any needs of their own child or grandchild.

You can also give in laws names and pictures to staff and be clear they are NOT to have access to the ward without dh being with them to supervise as you are now afraid for ds's safety. Particularly as MIL is unsteady on her feet and has no sense of responsibility.

I do think you are allowing your need to feel in control of your rather frightening world a bit OTT.

Try and be a bit kinder now. You sound really unkind towards the mother in law at the moment.

Struggling to understand how anyone would say this to a parents whose baby turned blue yesterday because he was struggling to breath. The only peoples feelings and therefore the only people Op should be thinking if and be kinder to are herself, her DH and her baby. Everyone else can just get lost. I am sure she doesn't have the headspace to be dealing with self centred GP.

So sorry that your ds is poorly. On the one hand I'm sure they are desperately worried about their grandson and have a right to visit (within reason). The taking him out of the incubator was completely out of order though and they need to be told this, ideally by staff or failing that by their son.
What they said was wicked too.

Try and step away from them and the situation and concentrate on yourself and newborn ds.

That seems really harsh Luchi. Most grandparents want the best for their GC and 9 weeks is a long time to not even be allowed a little look. I find it hard to believe OP PIL could just walk in and pick the baby up without checking with a nurse. May be MIL was worried that if your baby did not pull through she would never have had the chance to hold her GC. Best wishes for you and your baby xx

Well he was 961 gms at birth. So you know I was happy to be harsh. Now he's home they can have a lifetime of cuddling him. I was happy to do WHATEVER it took to minimise infection risk. It's not like I allowed my own parents access either.

Did someone up-thread seriously suggest calling the police?!
Oh yes, this is Mumsnet!

OP, I'm so sorry about your sweet baby. You really don't need this angst with mil on top of it all. But I'm finding it hard to believe she took him out of the incubator herself. She may have said that, but I'm wondering if she actually got a nurse to hand him to her, but was perhaps trying not to get that nurse into trouble when she saw how angry you were.
Mind you, either way is disgraceful.

would people please read the whole thread before piling in on a parent in a very vulnerable situation?

The baby is 19 days old.

The GPS are not being denied access.

There are medical reasons why only parents at this time can hold a very seriously ill baby, which the OP has explained if you read her replies.

Please don't make today harder for her, or make this thread anything less than support.

I'm surprised Crumbs. Op and her dh asked her mil not to pick their very ill baby up. She has been allowed to visit the baby and I imagine touch the baby. I really don't see what op and her dh should have done differently. The mil sounds as if she has narcissistic tendencies. It is very important to create strong boundaries with such people.

The ward manager's response is appalling and should be taken up with the hospital. They are effectively abdicating responsibility for keeping some of their most vulnerable patients safe.

Visitors who don't abide but the basic rules of care of a vulnerable patient should be banned. I don't care who they are or how much they whine - its not about them.

I work in a hospital and the rules in nicu are visitors must be accompanied by the mother or father. When my twins were in scbu they definitely stuck with that so I'd be cross with the staff at allowing it. Mil needs to have boundaries explained and the reasons but (and I can only base this on my relationship with family) getting livid is unhelpful. Explain it's not you being precious and that once dc is better she can definitely have cuddles but for now she'll need to wait.

Neither of us has denied anyone access. The issue is his parents really think they can do what they want when they want. They are extremely entitled people, especially mil. Since we found out in pregnancy about babies condition it's been all about their feelings. They haven't once asked dh how he feels, even now. Just after I gave birth mil sat in my hospital talking about her misscarriage. They ignore us as parents and nurses. They now have supervised access with dh, it has to be organised through dh only and I won't be present. All the nurses have been told the arrangement. I'm going to see the matron tomorrow or pals if I don't get anywhere with them.

I know that mil has a lot of issues and has has had psychiatric treatment. I just don't get the audacity. His incubator is open top. There are 3 medication lines, an oxygen tube an ng tube, a central line, a long line, a canula in each hand, one in his foot, a blood pressure cuff on his leg, a breathing alarm connected to his stomach, a tube in each nostril and ecg wires on his chest. Even with all this you can actually pick him up if you slide the wires to the side and unclip the oxygen tube from the bed.

Every time they visit they sit at his bed crying. Not sure why, some times he's awake and smiling. But mil especially will sit sobbing then say it reminds her off her misscarriage......I don't get it at all

I agree your ils are completely out of order here and they should, absolutely, respect your wishes regarding ds. But, it sounds to me as though she's never really dealt with her grief over her mc. Not sure how old she is, but I think it's hard to imagine what it was like for women who suffered mc years ago. Especially if it was a late one. For a lot of women, they were made to feel as though they were to blame and people weren't encouraged to discuss feeling. I had several mc, and the advice I got? 'Go away on holiday and forget it,' 'at least you can get pregnant, ' 'you can always have another, ' and so on and so on. If hers was a lot my, maybe she's thinking that maybe, just maybe, today's technology might have led to a different outcome. Not saying she's right at all, but just thinking what could be going through her head.

How all goes well for your ds.

It was 42 years ago so I get that things would have been very different then for both of them. It was at 8 weeks. All I know is that she was told to wait 6 weeks and try again, if that's all they said thats very harsh!!! They went on to have dh very soon.

That's not the only thing she talks about. She doesn't take an interest in other people. She's always saying how ill she is....ie dodgey knee, tooth ache and hrt problems. She'll send constant text messages about her illnesses which in the grand scheme of things are minor but she makes them every body else's problem. She sends photo messages of her dodgey knee to my mum while she's at work....my mum has met her twice and has no interest in her at all. I wonder why she thinks everyone really wants to know these things????