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Livid at in laws over poorly baby

164 replies

user1485778793 · 01/07/2017 05:31

I've posted a few times about my in laws and my new baby. Back story: baby has life limiting condition requiring a lot of surgery, he's had one major op at 4 days old, he's now 19 days and they're preparing for next op in a few weeks. He's on a lot of medication, tube fed and has oxygen, so there are a lot of wires and tubes coming out of his incubator. We made it clear that only dh and me would be holding him as we have been shown how to with all the wires etc. We asked all visits to be limited to twice a week which everyone except inlaws respected.

I walked into the ward yesterday and the inlaws were there holding him. Firstly I'm livid they were holding him after they have been told no and secondly they were allowed in without myself or dh. All other visitors have been asked to wait outside the ward until we get there.

I immediately told mil to put him back, the nurse took him off her straight away and she sat there with a face like thunder staring at me. I left the room to ring dh and ask if they'd made arrangements with him, he said no.

The nurse asked if I wanted them to leave. I said yes, they refused and wanted to speak to me. That turned into a bit of a row her blaming everyone else and she said 'wait till someone comes along and takes your child away'

Dh is angry, I'm livid. I just want to ban them totally. It's all about them. She left crying...not because of what I've said she just cries all the time.

OP posts:
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Whileweareonthesubject · 02/07/2017 21:48

I can well believe that was all the support and advice she got. Mine were more recent than that and as I said, there was no real support or help. When I came round from the anaesthetic after a d&c I was greeted with a midwife telling me 'you can easily have another'in a bright and breezy manner. She didn't understand that I didn't want another - I wanted THAT one, the one I had just lost. My mil's response was to tell me that I'd ruined her birthday, because do forgot to call and say we wouldn't make the birthday dinner FIL had arranged, because I was in hospital mcing our first child. And to this day she has never acknowledged what happened. So yes, I can sympathise with some of how your MIL could be feeling right now. Although, as I said, she is out of order for not following your wishes.

Fishface77 · 02/07/2017 21:57

The people who are saying the grandparents have rights and should be allowed to hold their grandchild should stop for a moment.
This is not a well child.
This is not a bouncing at home baby who op is refusing access to.
This is a very poorly baby with a life limiting Illness. As a parent it is OPs responsibility to protect that child. It is also OPs decision (along with DH) who is allowed access.
MILs miscarriage at 8 weeks and (to be harsh) wants, needs and feelings are not OPs problem.
Give her a break. The baby is 19 days old and very unwell. He, op and DH are the main cause for concern at present.

Tinseleverywhere · 02/07/2017 22:01

I think it sounds bad that anyone can just walk in and pick up a baby ShockWhat about infection control? I don't blame the nurses this is a bad set up.

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WildKiwi · 02/07/2017 22:44

Completely agree with Fishface77

Hope your baby is doing better now Op Flowers

TyneTeas · 03/07/2017 00:04

The ring theory of empathy really applies here. However sad they may feel about their past or how current events affect them they need to recognise it's not about them

articles.latimes.com/2013/apr/07/opinion/la-oe-0407-silk-ring-theory-20130407

Hope things are getting better for you OP Flowers

user1485778793 · 03/07/2017 16:52

He is stable at the moment Smile

Inlaws are coming tonight, I won't be around.

OP posts:
Dreams16 · 03/07/2017 17:15

Op I don't think yabu in this difficult situation
I am just appalled not only your ils disrespect for you and your Dh wishes to stay away from your DS but also at the hospital the fact they have said that anyone can just walk in to the ward with vulnerable babies that to me is shocking you'd think they would have better security.

It really annoys me too when family members assume that their own thoughts and feelings are far more important than those of the new mother and father the parents of the baby.

I really hope you and your Dh manage to keep them at bay from your DS whilst he is undergoing medical treatments at this moment in time and maybe they do need constant reminding this isn't about them

Zebra31 · 12/07/2017 10:50

Hi Op. I just wanted to say I hope your little one is still doing well.

eeyore2 · 12/07/2017 11:12

I'm so sorry about your sick baby. That's all that matters right now.
I had a sick baby in a NICU that didn't allow visitors at all. After we were discharged things went downhill fast. When it looked like the baby wand the going to pull through I was so devastated that dc hadn't had a chance to meet grandparents and siblings properly and that they might not remember the baby as much as they would have if they had been allowed to interact. Just something for you to think about. Also even if you don't get on that well, you may find some real joy in seeing your baby with family and being loved by others. I agree with the posters above though, someone needs to speak to the i laws about sitting by the cot crying in front of you. It's not appropriate and they need to find another outlet for their emotions away from you. Is there a ward psychologist who could speak individually with you and the extended family and explore a healthy way forward for you all? (We had one at our NICU who was very helpful). Wishing you and your baby well

NameChange30 · 12/07/2017 11:21

I'm really sorry your baby is so poorly Flowers

Why are your in-laws visiting tonight? After their behaviour I think you should tell them not to visit the hospital at all. If they cannot respect the needs of you and your baby at this time, they have no right whatsoever to be there. I suggest your DH tells them to stay away and you inform the hospital staff that they are not to be let in. If they force their way in then hospital security should be called.

If they harass either of you with phone calls, messages etc just block them. Your DH will find this difficult because of years of conditioning but he must focus on his wife and child and fight his way out of the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) for your sakes if not his own.

I'm sure you and your husband have more important things to worry about right now but when you have chance I suggest you read the book "Toxic In-laws" and he reads "Toxic Parents".

user1485778793 · 13/07/2017 20:03

Just to update. Baby had a Cardiac arrest about 9 days ago, he's stable now but it's caused a few other problems. Inlaws went on holiday. They haven't been back to the hospital. We're not having any visitors until he's had his next op. He currently has a nasty infection and we don't want any more problems.

OP posts:
Zebra31 · 13/07/2017 20:16

I am so sorry Op. I really hoped he was stable. I don't blame you for not having visitor. You don't need any further stress. Flowers

Phillipa12 · 13/07/2017 20:19

Oh user im very sorry to read this entire thread esp your last update, my thoughts are with you and your dh and am hoping that your little one pulls through all that lies ahead. Xx

NameChange30 · 13/07/2017 20:40

You poor things. Sending all my best wishes for your baby to make a full recovery xxx

user1485778793 · 13/07/2017 22:03

Thankyou :-)

OP posts:
eeyore2 · 14/07/2017 06:58

I'm so sorry. Wishing you and your baby well. Do you have a good friend to give you some moral support?

LuchiMangsho · 14/07/2017 08:49

I am aghast that your in laws wouldn't cut short their holiday. But mainly I am so sorry to hear your baby had a setback. I wish you and him all the very best. Much love.

NameChange30 · 14/07/2017 09:08

I think it's good that they're on holiday, forces them to stay away, much better for the OP.

Redsippycup · 15/07/2017 22:28

I'm so sorry op. I hope he is improving, and getting the very best care. Thinking of you Flowers

RockyBird · 15/07/2017 22:31

Wow, what a cunt.

Congratulations on your new baby, I hope he goes from strength to strength Flowers

Mum2jenny · 15/07/2017 22:35

Best wishes to you and your baby, stay strong (as much as possible given the situation), and hope your mil stays away for as long as possible FlowersFlowers

MrsMozart · 15/07/2017 22:50

I hope he's doing okay lass.

He and you and your OH are all in our thoughts.

LoveCakesandWine · 16/07/2017 19:00

OP so sad to read your update, I hope he is getting the best treatment and getting stronger each day Flowers

Cococrumble · 16/07/2017 19:04

Hope your little one is doing well today. You are definately not being unreasonable AT ALL. Your MIL has behaved completely and utterly disgracefully.

Coughingchildren5 · 16/07/2017 19:10

You are not unreasonable. My babies were in nicu although it sounds like you are having a more difficult time than we did. I banned visitors after the first experience because of this kind of nonsense. Some people have zero respect.
You need to be really clear with the nurses what your position is. I am really surprised they let the grandparents in under these circumstances.