Livid at in laws over poorly baby

[user1485778793]

I've posted a few times about my in laws and my new baby. Back story: baby has life limiting condition requiring a lot of surgery, he's had one major op at 4 days old, he's now 19 days and they're preparing for next op in a few weeks. He's on a lot of medication, tube fed and has oxygen, so there are a lot of wires and tubes coming out of his incubator. We made it clear that only dh and me would be holding him as we have been shown how to with all the wires etc. We asked all visits to be limited to twice a week which everyone except inlaws respected.

I walked into the ward yesterday and the inlaws were there holding him. Firstly I'm livid they were holding him after they have been told no and secondly they were allowed in without myself or dh. All other visitors have been asked to wait outside the ward until we get there.

I immediately told mil to put him back, the nurse took him off her straight away and she sat there with a face like thunder staring at me. I left the room to ring dh and ask if they'd made arrangements with him, he said no.

The nurse asked if I wanted them to leave. I said yes, they refused and wanted to speak to me. That turned into a bit of a row her blaming everyone else and she said 'wait till someone comes along and takes your child away'

Dh is angry, I'm livid. I just want to ban them totally. It's all about them. She left crying...not because of what I've said she just cries all the time.

YANBU

Your ds is only 19 days old and in NICU!! You are still recovering from birth and under 'normal' circumstances would probably be at home in your pjs and I'm sure people would be saying you do t have to have visitor did you don't want to ! The situation your in you are even more entitled to want to limit contact.
Yes he is their grandson but they need to take a step back. They've seen him now and no doubt have photos and you dont need the stress. Stick to your guns and please try not to let this incident upset you too much. I hope your ds is doing well and that his further treatment goes well too

Complaint to the ward manager without a doubt and instructions no visitors to baby unless accompanied by a parent. I'm very surprised that's not the norm anyway it was when my dd was in picu/ scbu years ago.

Hope your boy is doing ok, and you too.

I agree that the security is an issue , but I still think the MIL is more of an issue , presumably the staff let her in because they knew who she was that still doesn't excuse her behaviour .

"bertrand , give it a rest "

I've already said ban the mil.

But the staff issue is crucial. As the NICU nurse posted earlier. It's important that the OP concentrates her energy on the most important thing at the moment.

Because after this I would not be able to trust the place to keep my baby safe.

Well unfortunately the OP doesn't probably have a lot of options at the moment and I doubt she's come on here to hear that the staff are a bunch of incompetents and putting her baby at risk . Although I'm quite happy to be told that there are hundreds of staffed SCBU beds just sitting empty waiting for parents to ask for a transfer to somewhere else .

That's why she needs to say something. So she can be reassured that it was a one off mistake, or so that the staff can do something about it.

OP I really felt for you here. My son was in SCBU and I struggled so much with him not feeling like mine. You don't have the normal experience of having a baby, you are separated from them and have to ask before you even touch them. The very least you should expect is for relatives to respect your role as a mum. You have every right to decide who visits and for how long and it is up to you who holds your baby.

I am sorry that you are going through this.

I'd speak to the Sister/Ward Manager about this, if she isn't supposed to be there without a parent then she shouldn't have been let in! All SCBU's I've been in you have to be let in so someone must have let her in.

Your baby should never been left in a position where MIL could pick them up. She could have hurt them, I'd have her banned from the ward until she realises that no everything is about her.

God how awful OP

You're the only ones who have the right to your baby - GP relationships should be about the child, not the GPs. Sharing genes doesn't mean people are automatically given a pass for anything and she needs to be told this in no uncertain terms.

OP I'm so sorry that your baby is so sick.
Can you just clarify what type of ward he is on? With such a high demand for beds has he been moved to a high dependency surgical unit with more general visiting than a NICU/picu.

It sounds unlikely that she was able to lift him from an incubator so quickly (and stealthily) that no staff members were aware. However, I don't know what alarms people expect to have sounded with that action in itself. Like you, I would be livid.

Bertrand given that the staff are qualified to look after such sick and tiny babies I doubt that they are all grossly incompetent. It may have been a procedural issue (depending on the ward and visiting policy), but I'm sure statements like that will only add to the OPs fear and anxiety at such a difficult and emotional time.

So sorry that you are going through this with your baby ds

I can't believe she did that. Who lifts a sick baby out of an incubator without medical supervision? With my DD, we didn't get a choice, the hospital would only allow me and DH to hold her and then it was with supervision to start with and had to be for at least 45 minutes to avoid unsettling her. Our DS was allowed to stroke her under supervision. I think you're completely justified in banning them, in fact I'm surprised the hospital haven't.

He has improved slightly. I spoke to ward manager tonight but im not happy as she said there was nothing really they could do to stop people coming in or being let in by others holding doors.....so basically anyone can get in.

Dh has spoken to his parents. They cried and shouted and said they know exactly what we are going through because they had a misscarriage 42 years ago.

Not trying to be heartless but I don't see the similaries. My mum, gran, 2 aunties and sil have all had miscarriages and none of them are acting like this. Someone tell me why they would understand....if they understood surely they wouldn't be like this???

Just wanted to say I would be completely livid as well. Lifting him out of the incubator is completely unacceptable. Also they should be supporting you and your DH at this time, not adding to your stress by complaining about what they want etc.

I've had a miscarriage. I've had a baby in NICU. Completely different. Clearly they don't understand because if they did they wouldn't be acting so incredibly selfishly.

Hope your baby continues to improve

I hope your little one continues to improve. Your PIL sound like an absolute nightmare, and you would be completely justified in telling them not to come to the hospital again. Risking pain or complications to their grandchild for the gratification of a cuddle is not on in any way. Thinking of you OP.

op.
Your in laws are selfish beyond belief. You do. It need to deal with their shit.
The ward managers response is inadequate. Go to PALS. Complain at the highest level.
Focus on yourselves and the baby.
Good luck x

The hospital is saying they can't protect your child from potential risk or abduction? I thought it was impossible for this to happen these days due to heightened security. When I gave birth, you had to be allowed onto the maternity ward. This is something to address with the ward manager. Not acceptable.

You could also threaten in laws with an injunction.

I am so glad to hear your son has improved.

I hope your dh has made it very clear to his parents that they are not welcome at the hospital?

The response of the hospital is completely unacceptable. Are you in the U.K.?

I've had two miscarriages. I've also had a baby in the SCBU, although we were very lucky that he turned out to be fine. Having a miscarriage, especially an early one like I had, is not at all the same as having a baby with a life-limiting illness.
I'm astonished that they're saying that they can't keep your in-laws out. When my DS was in the SCBU even I couldn't go in without signing in, and if you weren't on the list, you couldn't go in.

YANBU! I'm also really surprised by the hospital's reaction. When my son was in nicu only parents and siblings were allowed in except twice a week for a couple of hours grandparents could come - even my sisters weren't allowed to see him, let alone pick him up. It would have been very hard indeed to sneak in. My family and friends all accepted this and supported us, sorry your inlaws aren't doing the same. It's so tough in there, I hope he continues to improve.

That's beyond insane! So anybody could just come in to the ward and take a baby of they wanted? I'd raise that complaint as high as I could if I were you.

It's sad that MIL had a miscarriage. But that doesn't give her a free pass to do what she likes with your sick child. If she "understands" so much then she shouldn't have endangered a sick baby's life like that.

I'm sorry OP. She sounds like a nasty piece of work. I hope your DP gave her what for. In fact I hope he gave her what 5!

The nurses are at fault too here there's no way they should be allowing visitors without a parent present. Could you type a little note on the end of the for to say all visitors to wait in the waiting room.until you arrive.