Livid at in laws over poorly baby

[user1485778793]

I've posted a few times about my in laws and my new baby. Back story: baby has life limiting condition requiring a lot of surgery, he's had one major op at 4 days old, he's now 19 days and they're preparing for next op in a few weeks. He's on a lot of medication, tube fed and has oxygen, so there are a lot of wires and tubes coming out of his incubator. We made it clear that only dh and me would be holding him as we have been shown how to with all the wires etc. We asked all visits to be limited to twice a week which everyone except inlaws respected.

I walked into the ward yesterday and the inlaws were there holding him. Firstly I'm livid they were holding him after they have been told no and secondly they were allowed in without myself or dh. All other visitors have been asked to wait outside the ward until we get there.

I immediately told mil to put him back, the nurse took him off her straight away and she sat there with a face like thunder staring at me. I left the room to ring dh and ask if they'd made arrangements with him, he said no.

The nurse asked if I wanted them to leave. I said yes, they refused and wanted to speak to me. That turned into a bit of a row her blaming everyone else and she said 'wait till someone comes along and takes your child away'

Dh is angry, I'm livid. I just want to ban them totally. It's all about them. She left crying...not because of what I've said she just cries all the time.

This needs highlighting with the hospital,that should not of been allowed to happen.she should not of been in there with him without a parent present..bizarre the hospital allowed it

Your mil sounds nasty!
What does she mean by "wait untill someone takes your child away".
That is sinister its actually a horrendous thing to say and id go NC for that alone.

She should not have lifted him up herself, and she should have waited to ask you or DH if you could place him in her arms.

If she dislodged a cannula, that would cause him discomfort, just so she could feel better.

I can't believe people are saying yabu. I would be fucking fuming. It's your baby and they have absolutely no right to go in and pick him up against your wishes. They knew they were doing wrong otherwise they would have asked you.

Are you really sure your MIL picked him up without help? I'm surprised. My baby was in special care and there was no way you could even do that - too many wires, and nurses watching all the time.

Yes. Agreed that the MIl was outrageous.

But the most important thing at the moment is how the staff let this happen. Park the MIL thing for the future. Focus on why the hospital put your baby at risk. I have never heard of such a thing happening.

baby has life limiting condition
she said 'wait till someone comes along and takes your child away'

OMG! I obviously don't know the details of your son's condition, and I have no wish to upset you (further), but am I understanding that you might lose your little boy soon, yet his grandmother thought it was acceptable to say the bolded above?! It sounds like she's wishing death upon your child just to be spiteful because she can't have her own way. I'm beyond horrified and disgusted.

I would've lost my shit at her for that alone, let alone taking the baby out of the incubator. The nasty old hag would instantly be permanently cut out my life for the comment alone; doubly so for her actions.

I'd be setting the staff straight that this is NEVER to happen again. My blood is boiling on your behalf, OP! I truly hope you get some good news on your son soon.

I'm furious for you.

Yes it's an awfully sad, emotional situation and I imagine all involved want to spend as much time as possible at the hospital. However given how delicate the situation is the best way to do that is for everyone to abide by your wishes as his parents and the guidance of the hospital.

If that means visiting when given permission too and not holding baby then that's exactly what you do. You arrive five minutes your slot so you don't lose a moment.

I'd be banning them from visiting until your DH can have a conversation with them about their behaviour. If they are willing to abide by your wishes then the visits can be re-instated.

The cheek of some people astounds me.

I hope things continue to improve for your child.

I feel angry on your behalf! Why are some people just so incapable of following rules! Regardless of how she feels this about the baby not her!
I would have her banned from the ward on the basis that she risked his life and is a danger to him.

He's blue and is struggling to breathe. Why is life so shit to a baby

Oh I'm so so sorry. How horrible for you all. Please try and forget any MIL issues for now, tell her to sod off so you can focus on your baby.

I had a baby in NICU and I know how fragile they seem - even I was so scared to pick her up because of the tubes and canulas etc. I don't know what she was thinking.

Oh OP I'm so sorry you are in this situation. My nephew had a similar thing and I can't even begin to imagine what my sister and you must be going through.

I wouldn't trust MIL anywhere near him again to be honest. While he's in the hospital at least. I agree with people that you need to have a strong word with ward management. I'd also ban MIL from the hospital altogether, she obviously thinks her wants come before a sick baby's needs. Disgusting! How horrible to say what she did to you. You don't need that crap in the situation you are in.

I'd get your DH to tell her she's no longer welcome at the hospital. If her actions do not have consequences she will think she can get away with this stuff all the time.

for you OP. I really hope it goes well and baby makes a speedy recovery xxx

Could you not have got him out and placed him in her arms? Im not sure why it's necessary to limit visits to twice a week if you are there such a lot.

Oh come on, how is that kind or even sensible? This is a seriously ill, tiny baby, the OP describes him as blue and struggling to breathe for goodness sakes. Of course the parents are there 'a lot', wouldn't you be with your 19 day old child every second you had in these circumstances? The OP has explained with the amount of family who want to be there, it's necessary to limit EVERYONE to twice weekly visits to manage the numbers and that only she and dh have been shown how to hold the (seriously ill) baby, due to the high risk of disturbing wires, cannulas, and the baby medically needing skin to skin with parents, especially his mother for milk production. I imagine that this time is very limited even for his parents.

Anyone stupid enough to lift a baby out of an incubator, wires and cannulas and all, without checking first if it's ok and being shown how, is not someone safe to have on a NICU.

I agree with the PPs saying speak to the medics, the inlaws should not have been able to get into the room, never mind pick up the baby without being stopped. They could have been anyone. The baby could have had to experience the pain and distress of another cannula insertion for granny to get her moment of cuddles. (Or more likely her moment of 'stuff you and your rules, you're not the boss of me')

Livid for you OP, and so sorry they've added this stress and taken up your energy at a time when anyone who gave a damn about your baby should be doing everything they can to help you. Help involves being unselfish and putting your loved ones first.

I hope your little one's breathing difficulties are soon helped OP.

I agree with the PPs saying speak to the medics, the inlaws should not have been able to get into the room, never mind pick up the baby without being stopped. They could have been anyone. The baby could have had to experience the pain and distress of another cannula insertion for granny to get her moment of cuddles. (Or more likely her moment of 'stuff you and your rules, you're not the boss of me')

This ^^ with bells on.
My dd now adult was in scbu for a while, everyone who visited had to wash their hands in the scbu unit with special germ-killing liquid and then follow a certain procedure of thorough washing and drying before they were allowed anywhere near her.

I'd definitely raise the issue of Mil helping herself to a baby from an incubator without any staff intervention as a very serious issue indeed.

I'd definitely raise the issue of Mil helping herself to a baby from an incubator without any staff intervention as a very serious issue indeed.

Yes this. MiL is a problem to be dealt with but security around the SCBU is a bigger concern. I can't remember getting near an SCBU without being checked and at least initially escorted. Even when my first was in special care (so not fully blown SCBU at all) I was the only person allowed in without checks and this was well over 20 yrs ago.

I agree with others who have asked how the ward allowed this to happen. You need to raise it with a manager.

As for your MIL - you have enough on your plate without dealing with her craziness. Tell her she's not allowed near the ward any more and put her out of your mind. Everything crossed for your little baby

Op I'm really sorry to hear your situation.
Much love and positive thoughts for you your dh and baby right now.

Your mil is completely in the wrong here. The staff shouldn't have let them in or to handle the baby without you there. I too would be livid.
But don't let her anger and spitefullness consume you right now.
Right now you be with your baby and dh and forget her behaviour. Let dh deal with her.
Hope the breathing settles down xx

NICU nurse here and also mother of a NICU baby.

Firstly - complain complain complain as high up as you can. Make sure all the staff know not to let them in for the foreseeable future. I had to do this when my mother turned up - I've been NC with her my entire adult life, and then she heard about my sick baby and chose to try to make it all about her Id already given her name and photo to the staff so she didn't even get into the ward.

Secondly - your MIL is an absolute thunder cunt. There is so much wrong with what you've said about her I just don't know where to start. You are absolutely 10000% right here and she is so far over the line. I would be absolutely fucking apoplectic at this.

I have 4 much younger siblings - late teens - and even they grasped the fact that one set of a visitors a day was all I could handle and that they were not to even touch DS. It's not fucking difficult to understand when they are wired up to all sorts.

So sorry OP Hope your DH gives them the bollocking of their lives. And that your baby does well.

I'm surprised she was allowed on the ward without you there - but i suppose if the staff see them twice a week, know they are GP and know they have been told not to pick him up I can see how they would think they were ok to be there.

I would be beyond angry OP but that comment about him being taken away would be the end of any relationship I had with them.

Op I am so sorry your baby is so ill. I am sorry you and your DH and going through this.

I don't understand why anyone would think YABU in this situation. Your In laws should be respecting you and your DH wishes. I am truly shocked that she thought it acceptable to lift him eith or without medical assistance when you had specifically said no one except you and your DH should hold him.

I would be livid and I would ban them from the ward. If they were lucky I would allow visitation if DH and I were present only. Shocking.

I have just read your post about his breathing. I am so sorry Op.

Leave the mil thing for later-save your energy. The BIG issue is the incredible incomprernce of the staff. You need to address this at once.

For lifting your ds out his cot without any permission from you or nurses especially given he has tubes and wires id be telling her she wasnt allowed in again

bertrand , give it a rest for all we know the staff could have , in that few minutes ,been resuscitating another baby and if the ward is not staffed as a 1:1 with a spare then obviously there is not going to be a member of staff 24/7 by the OPs baby . The MIL had been told to wait outside , and not to pick him up unless she has short term memory loss she is totally at fault here . Ban her OP , go NC do whatever to get this toxic influence out of your life . Hope your baby improves .

staff could have , in that few minutes ,been resuscitating another baby and if the ward is not staffed as a 1:1 with a spare then obviously there is not going to be a member of staff 24/7 by the OPs baby

Yes they might. Which is precisely why SCBUs have controlled access so that if the staff are otherwise occupied you can't get into them. You can't enter the ward without staff letting you in.
It is a major failing on process and security if a random person can get in to such a vulnerable area without being checked for any reason whatsoever.