AIBU to not trust my parents?

[lalathebear]

I work three days a week and we don't use childcare for my lb because he'll be starting school soon and as a teacher I don't want to pay for holidays as well because I'd like to have him then. Anyway... my dh looks after him two days a week and our parents take it in turns to look after him the other day we need. I don't mind when my mil has him because the worst that happens is he eats his weight in biscuits! My parents are different though because after yesterday I don't trust them.

My Lb is well behaved (he has his moments obviously but soon comes round again after a bit of a strop) but even more so if someone else has him for the day. However yesterday he came home super clingy telling me that he was a naughty boy and saying sorry over and over. On top of this my dh said when he picked him up from my mums he screamed in the car and said his leg hurt. By the time he came him there was nothing there and I put it down to maybe his bum was sore because my parents hadn't changed him since the morning and he's done wee all afternoon. But when I asked why he was naughty he said my mum had shouted at him because he was a naughty boy.

Growing up I was constantly being smacked and told off for even the slightest little thing and I'm really worried it's happening again but to my lb. mum my is very well practiced at smacking legs and has a knack of doing it so it stings for a while but leaves no marks after a few minutes. AIBU not to trust her or is it just paranoia and me jumping to conclusions? If I ask her she'll have a massive go at me because we are currently not getting on well at all because she doesn't like the way i parent and says I've ruined hers and my family's life for years.

Have to agree with Poorly but I know it's not that simple.

It really sounds like you have been physically and emotionally abused by your parents and that your mother is still emotionally abusing you.

I agree with the need for counselling and the nc. These people are toxic.

Your mother is abusive and your OH sounds like an absolute twat.

I'm sure you were hoping we'd say there's no evidence your mother is abusing your son so you should carry on sending him, but that so blatantly isn't the case that nobody would be able to say that in good conscience. FWIW I don't think this is because you value money over your son, you just genuinely don't want to believe what's going on in front of your eyes. Can't blame you really because from here it's awful tbh.

Purely from what you've said, with no conjecture whatsoever:
Your mum hurt and emotionally abused you as a child - it's likely that she seriously hurt you (the hospital visits) and you have been conditioned not to remember this, and blame it on yourself.

Your son has been saying his leg hurts and that his Grandmother shouted at him. Given that you know full well she smacked you as a child, why are you so insistent on believing she wouldn't do the same to your son?

Your OH, your child's father, refuses to change nappies in public because he might get it wrong. Maybe he should practise more at home then - after 2 years he should really have the knack. He's making you send your child to a potentially abusive environment because that's how he thinks it should be. He has sympathy for your mum because you were a "naughty" child. He calls your son naughty. Does he think that it would be OK if your mother did hit and shout at your son?

I know it will take time for you to realise what's going on here, and no amount of telling from other people is going to make you see. I hope it happens sooner rather than later.

I learnt the hard way. Abusive parents don't suddenly change their behaviour because it's their grandchild. My parents did a huge amount of emotional damage to my dcs before I went no contact.
They also stole sentimental things from my house when child minding dcs at my house.
I was a teacher too! I thought child minders had a different arrangement for school holidays. My child minder didn't expect to have her charges during school holidays which suited me.

Hey OP..... Don't take notice of the sanctimommies. Many people just don't understand yoir experiences but put their views forward anyway.
I have an awful relationship with my mother. Lovely to siblings but awful to me and everyone thinks the sun shines out her butt. My DH comes from a lovely background so he struggles to grasp my experiences too.
I will say this though....If you don't trust her then don't leave your child with her. You wouldn't with anyone else, it doesn't matter that she's your mother. I learnt the hard way and my mother did end up treating my DS the way she treats me. She is no longer in our lives. It's hard but being put down constantly is wearing and it's also hard to recognise it as abuse.

I can also tell you that grandparents have no right to access. They'd have to prove your unfit first. I checked.

Speak to your OH. Tell him you need his support with this. It's your gut instinct and it's your child

Hope you get it sorted

Your oh is not far behind them either.

Why the hell are you allowing someone so spiteful to look after your child? Poor sod.

Oh OP, I really feel for you.

For about 30 years, I was constantly told what a difficult child I was, what a pain I was, all the problems I caused. I was smacked regularly, or put in a corner. I had eating disorders, suicide attempts, self harm.

It took me a long time to realise my mother was the bitch, not me.

Expect your parents to parent your son the way they parenting you. No way in hell was I going to let that happen and history repeat again.

Please don't let your little one go back. Seriously suggest no contact with your mother. There is nothing she can do, grandparents have no rights.

You were never the difficult child, trust me. You have broken the cycle as you parent completely differently, but please break the cycle completely by getting yourself and your LO away from the toxic behaviour.

If you had a childminder who smacked your child, you'd never use them again. No different just because it's family.

Wishing you a tonne of strength, hoping you do what is best for your family and yourself xxx

I find this so terribly sad op. I'm so so sorry you went through so much in your childhood. Perhaps your mum harbours feelings of guilt from your childhood and so wants to make up for it by caring for your son. But it does sound like old habits die hard and she has started to let her temper get in the way again. At the very least she has frightened a 2 year old boy and that is inexcusable. If she has done that, then as your son gets older and is inevitably more mischievous, I would think it's only a matter of time before she starts to smack him as she did with you. I'm sorry to say that, as it does sound like there are no easy answers for your childcare situation. My mum was pretty vicious at times too, and I have lived with the consequences my whole life. I get on with her well now, but these things have a life long impact on self esteem and confidence. I say this because I think you need to believe in your gut feeling... if it feels like something is wrong, then it probably is. Could you nanny share with a friend who also has young kids on the days you need help with your son? It can save a lot of money. Alternatively do you have space in your house for a live in au pair who you pay primarily in terms of food and board? They might not be childcare professionals but soon become part of the family and should be capable of taking care of your little one with the right guidance. I did this when I was 18 and loved looking after the babies. Otherwise I think you should contact local mum's groups for advice, to see if they can help.

You dont want to believe she is hurting your son because you dont want to believe she hurt you.

Hi OP, I think I understand where you are coming from. I had a pretty emotionally (never physically) abusive childhood and developed an eating disorder and later became an alcoholic. I'm not blaming my parents for this, but I was so accustomed to feeling in the wrong and worse than useless, that I subconsciously only developed relationships with men who somehow made me feel the same way, because it was my comfort level.

Anyway, I joined MN with an AIBU purely for proof that I was being unreasonable. It was about my partner, we were going on holiday and he was a seriously heavy drinker. I was less than a year into sobriety and he was able to counter any concerns I had with the fact that it was all my fault and my issue, and that he chose to drink rather than needing to do so.

I was somewhat startled when the replies on MN asked further questions and gave a unanimous response of "cancel the holiday, LTB, run for the hills". I recall posting things like "but I am a difficult person ....." because it was so ingrained that I was the one with the problem.

You seem to have expected a similar response to the one I did. In your case there's a very small child involved. I would just think about the fact that you too have had a pretty unanimous response. It does sound as if you have lost faith in your own judgement of situations, which is exactly where I was.

Come on OP you know the answer. You've answered your own question.
Don't leave your DS if your instincts will you otherwise.

Your OH sounds like he's a major part of the problem.

My OH just doesn't understand. He's someone who likes to ignore a problem in the hope it'll go away. Good things happening and he's all over them like when we got our surprise baby news three years ago he was overjoyed! But at the same time I was in court as a witness for the prosecution and he didn't speak to me for the entire week of the court case because he didn't want to think about it.

I've already said previously I am not leaving my DS with my mum until I have sorted things out with her. If and when this does happen there will be conditions in place such as my sister will have to be there too or it will have to be at our house because in our house I can at least come home when I'm not on cover.

We are only using free babysitters until I have started paying off my debts and built up a bit of money at the same time so I can afford childcare. Unfortunately as I don't have set days in work it'll have to be someone flexible.

I have felt a lot of hate from this post but also there are some people who have shared the love so thank you. Those who hated on me I hope you never have to suffer mentally like I do right now where you worry about everything to the point of posts like this making you sit on the floor and sob like a child. Thanks for that you guys xxx

I'm genuinely concerned about the way your OH behaves towards you.

Not speaking to you for a week is not normal healthy behaviour. It's demeaning I'm an relationship to not speak to your partner.

It also sounds very much like he thinks you are either a liar or doesn't care about you and your experiences.

I really hope you give this some thought because he doesn't sound like he respects you very much or treats you very well either.

I also get the impression he expects you to do all the donkey work and child relate stuff unless it's "fun" for him. Is that true ? Does he get up in the night ? Cook dinner for you ? Anything helpful or thoughtful like that ?

Personally if my partner was in debt like this and I had a child with them I would want to pay off the debt for them if I was able. Have you ever considered this ? Or are you both fairly skint/tight at the moment ?

He doesn't tell me what he earns so I have no idea. He's always saying he has to wait till payday to get something though if it's a big spend (like more than £30). So he can't help really.

He didn't talk to me because he didn't want to know the details of the court case and didn't want to think about or know what had happened because it was before he met me. He's made me promise our son never finds out either.

As to him parenting he has work so helps when he can. Nights he's never done really because DS only ever wants me and it makes it worse when OH tries plus DS still has night feeds and obviously DH can't give him milk so that's not a way for him to help either. He changes nappies and has him whilst I'm at work if he can.

You do know that he should be supporting childcare financially with you? That in refusing to do that, he's basically a free loading dick?

Op none of your relationships sound particularly healthy. Your dp won't tell you what he earns and isn't supporting you in paying back your debts. You're meant to be a team but it seems like he considers childcare your problem, not speaking to you while you're a witness in court is ridiculous.

Do you feel like you're an equal partner in your relationship?

Your mum is a whole other issue, if you suspect she's hit your ds then I agree you should speak to her before you make any decisions regarding her looking after your ds in the future. It may be that your ds was just upset, but if he is abusive towards him then you need to find alternative care for him. Ignore her threats about grandparents right. She doesn't have any rights. You have responsibilities to keep your ds safe. It is yours and your dps responsibility to keep him safe and away from abusive people.

Urban he just doesn't know how to deal with difficult stuff and what happened to me that led to court wasn't a nice thing to happen.

He always seems short on cash so probably doesn't have much coming in as he has debts too and he pays all the bills so I'm pretty much free loading off him really. He's said what I earn I can use to pay my debts off and not pay my way. He looks after me and DS really well and our son is always so happy.

I honestly think maybe my DS was just upset. He's been clingy for days and it was the third day he was without me in a row so was probably missing me. He doesn't get fed in the day when I'm at work and I think that has an effect on him because he makes up for it later. He's 2 and a bit so I think things get muddled in his head sometimes. He got to play on his new bike today for the first time since Christmas (he's grown enough now) and loves it. Yet when asked what he did today he said he had banana ice cream and sprinkles! He was right but it was a tiny bit of the day that was more important than his bike he's been begging to ride for two months.

Op I'm really concerned that your childhood has left you with such a warped idea of how relationships are that you don't even realise you were abused. You seem to have internalised that you were somehow responsible for the way you were treated as s child, you're accepting of the emotional abuse your DM is still inflicting on you and have moved on to an abusive relationship with your DH that you don't even realise is unhealthy. Your DH is dismissive of your childhood and accepting of your DM continuing abuse, he refuses to tell you what he earns and treats childcare and your debts as your problem, rather than supporting you, he stonewalls you when you're going through difficult personal experiences and insists you never talk about them. I feel so sad for you that you accept this behaviour and to be honest, even more sad for your son. You love him, that much is clear- please for the love of god, take on board what is being said here. Read the stately homes thread and also check out the profiles of an abuser, speak to women's aid about your relationship and perhaps try to seek some counselling for yourself. You are the only one who can break the cycle of abuse for your son

'He always seems short of cash'. You have no idea what your OH earns and what his outgoings are. Yet you are in such financial hardship you felt your only option was to leave your DS with your abusive mother. I am really sorry that you think people who are challenging your faulty thinking are hating on you. You are making excuses for your terrible mother and your absolutely awful partner. Many of us who had abusive parents (also who didn't) and put up with terrible partners are screaming and waving it you to wake up. It's not because of hate. It's because people can see you defending these people who are treating you so badly and think you deserve much more. But you can't see it clearly yourself - yet.

He doesn't get fed in the day when you're at work??

OP why on earth is your little boy not fed when your parents 'look after' him? How long are you away from him? A small child not fed, his nappies not changed, emotionally abused and very likely hit. It's really upsetting to read, and it must be horrible for him to experience. The way that they have treated him would be grounds for a report to social services and possible removal. I am so sorry you were failed yourself as a child. It sounds as if you should have been removed and your parents probably prosecuted.

Please please never send him to your parents again. Find some other solution and get some more counseling to try to overcome or at least understand the abuse that you experienced as a child. Your mother and step father abused you. They do not deserve any contact with you or your child at all and there is no way that they can force it.

My DH is not in any way abusive. He loves me and our son and looks after us really well. He works hard to earn money to pay the bills for three people so why should he pay someone else's debts too?! He took me in when he found out I was pregnant and was super happy. A lot of people would have walked away and not let me live here and marry him to help being up DS. I have friends who simply have a custody arrangement and aren't as lucky as I am. I came with a lot of baggage and he accepts that about me. It's just when things make him uncomfortable he doesn't want the details and doesn't want the conversation. My mother likes to remind him how difficult I am all the time and this puts him in a difficult position because he's not willing to take sides.

This is the last time I'm saying it but I won't be leaving DS with my mother till I have sorted things out with her and we have an understanding about how she sees my family. My DH thinks it's ridiculous and wants keeping out of it because it's between me and her.

My mum admits she had to be strict with me because I was always so naughty and she didn't want my siblings thinking it was acceptable. The problem is she's not someone who can leave things alone and constantly brings up the past all the time as a stick to beat me with. She knows how to emotionally manipulate and hurt me and plays that card every time she wants. She knows how much I care for my DS and tells me everything I am doing wrong. In her mind bf a 2yr old is wrong, cosleeping at 2 is wrong, having no discipline is wrong, having him registered to a RC school is wrong and generally anything she doesn't like at the current time is something to have a go about.

I know she's the one who causes all the arguments because I don't fight with other people and don't fall out with other people like her and I do. However she doesn't treat my brother and sister like it at all so maybe that suggests I am in fact the problem.

lala you are doing your best. you are gradually sorting out the bad stuff. love and protect your son. love your dp, but he sounds like he needs some working on to help him to be more emtionally supportive. most of all love yourself and give yourself credit for how you are trying to handle really difficult situations.