AIBU to not trust my parents?

[lalathebear]

I work three days a week and we don't use childcare for my lb because he'll be starting school soon and as a teacher I don't want to pay for holidays as well because I'd like to have him then. Anyway... my dh looks after him two days a week and our parents take it in turns to look after him the other day we need. I don't mind when my mil has him because the worst that happens is he eats his weight in biscuits! My parents are different though because after yesterday I don't trust them.

My Lb is well behaved (he has his moments obviously but soon comes round again after a bit of a strop) but even more so if someone else has him for the day. However yesterday he came home super clingy telling me that he was a naughty boy and saying sorry over and over. On top of this my dh said when he picked him up from my mums he screamed in the car and said his leg hurt. By the time he came him there was nothing there and I put it down to maybe his bum was sore because my parents hadn't changed him since the morning and he's done wee all afternoon. But when I asked why he was naughty he said my mum had shouted at him because he was a naughty boy.

Growing up I was constantly being smacked and told off for even the slightest little thing and I'm really worried it's happening again but to my lb. mum my is very well practiced at smacking legs and has a knack of doing it so it stings for a while but leaves no marks after a few minutes. AIBU not to trust her or is it just paranoia and me jumping to conclusions? If I ask her she'll have a massive go at me because we are currently not getting on well at all because she doesn't like the way i parent and says I've ruined hers and my family's life for years.

That would be another red flag for me, why is your mum leaving him in a wet nappy long enough for him to get sore?

Unfortunately it sounds like you have a horrible Mother and a horrible husband.

I would seriously recommend going back to full time work.

What age was your DS when you tried nursery before? If he's nearly school age he'd probably love it now.

"last week I took him to see my mum and she made me cry telling me I'd ruined her life and that of my brother and sister)."

And you are exposing your child to this? Seriously? You really need to stop this.

Hidingtonothing they were out looking at houses and I think he might have been nervous to tell her he'd done a wee (he always tells us but doesn't seem to tell anyone else) so she hadn't changed him till my OH went to collect him and he thought he'd be ok till they got home (he can't do public nappy changes). It only takes about 45mins from having a wee to being sore with him he seems really prone ATM.

She told you you ruined her life? That is a horrible woman who has no place in your life.

Can you not work as a supply teacher through an agency? I even imagine you'd earn more tutoring in the evenings if you are a qualified teacher (which I assume you are).

Your DH is as bad as your Mum. He thinks you should be st home looking after your child!

You are not paranoid, your mother most likely hit your son. Your evidence may be circumstantial but you know this woman and are best placed to judge. Your husband is categorically wrong when he says you would have been removed if your parents were abusive; sadly many children do not receive the help they need. The fact that your parents were more strict with you than your siblings is also not an indicator that you were just a "horrible" child. In fact it is a fairly common dynamic in abusive households.

But clearly this is an emotive issue for you, and that's understandable. Poor parenting doesn't always tip the scales to abuse. So let's stick to the facts:

1. your mother's parenting choices have had a long term negative effect on you.

2. your son was extremely distressed after spending time in her care.

3. your mother has threatened to take your child from you.

Were money not an issue, these would ALL be good reasons to reduce contact. You don't need to know conclusively whether she slapped him.

So, next issue is money for childcare. Either you cannot afford it as a family, or you, personally, can't afford it and your husband won't help.

If the latter, then he's being an asshole and gaslighting you about your experience of your childhood and would prefer to send his son to a place that clearly scared him than pay. Reducing it to you not getting on with your mum trivialises the matter. He may not understand why this is a major issue for you but he doesn't have to. If he loves you, he should support you on this.

If it's an issue of being unable, as a family, to afford alternate care, then there are some practical things you can do. Firstly, you may be eligible for Tax Credits to help with childcare even if you aren't eligible for general financial assistance as the thresholds are higher. Secondly you can reduce your debt repayments temporarily due to your financial circumstances. This is usually possible as debtors often try to avoid court as judges frequently order even lower repayments. Citizens Advice can help you with both of these issues.

Bottom line - you are distressed and getting no support. Please trust yourself and don't be bullied into ignoring your valid concerns.

firstly, thank god you are such a loving caring mum. secondly, when my child was small and still in nappies, i had to change baby minders. sfter one eeek with the new babyminder she hsd a red sore bottom as she had been left in a piddly nappy all day. i removed her straight away.. have to ask though, if your sn is nearly starting school, is he still in nappies? Regarding smacking, firstly talk carefully to him and ask what happened. perhaps asking in a general way then getting round to whether he was smacked. was your mum uk born? i ask this because my dear friend. a lovely lady, used to smack her children quite hard imo, but she was from Malaysia and had been hit herself. I have never been hit, nor did I hit my children.
Regarding childcare, which parents are allowed 15 hours per week free nursery? It doesn' t sound like your little boy should be left with your mum unless you can talk to her and explain no hitting etc. is it illegal yet to smack children?? Certainly as a teacher I (and you as a professional) would be very concerned about the welfare of a little boy who kept saying sorry and referring to himself as naughty.

I wouldn't be worried about your dm having him taken off you - you are doing a good job of risking that on your own by letting her 'look after' him. Ask yourself is she so adamant she has to 'care for him' to punish him for you being such a horrible child and ruining her life??

Jayfee he's not three till the end of the year and I'm not willing to force him into toilet training yet. Selfishly I was going to wait till the summer so we could learn by having a nappy off and it not being chilly on his little legs plus can practice in the garden where accidents won't matter as much.

It's only me who doesn't use the word naughty because his grandparents on both sides do and his dad does. He could have picked that up anywhere really. I also apologise constantly so that might be my fault.

I'm not sending him back till I can sort out my problems with my mum and tell her why I don't trust her. I know for sure when my sister is there he's fine and I'll explain that my DS tells me everything so that might help. Right now for a month I can rely on my PIL.

My OH grew up in a gorgeous family and it's just a case of he can't imagine why anyone else wouldn't. My mum openly admits I caused her divorce because neither her or my dad wanted a baby and for a long time I was looked after by grandparents. I probably was a difficult child and I'm sure it was hard for her having two more children with my stepdad because if I was naughty the younger two might copy. I wouldn't ever do it to my children because I know how much it upsets. Also as a teacher I have a lot of patience and time for small people and even at home there's a big difference between my parenting and my OH.

There are so many issues here OP and you've been given lots of good advice. I think deep down, you know you need to get your little boy away from your mother- whatever it takes.

Re the nappy changing - my little girl is 2 and a half and if I, or her carers, waited for her to ask for a change of nappy, we'd be waiting all week! I'd be extremely miffed if she came back from nursery/CM wearing the same nappy - nevermind from her own grandmother!

Why won't your OH do 'public' nappy changes? A quick change in the car is quite discrete.

I also don't believe you were a 'difficult' child or that you are/were responsible for the behaviour/happiness of others.

My mum openly admits I caused her divorce because neither her or my dad wanted a baby and for a long time I was looked after by grandparents. I probably was a difficult child and I'm sure it was hard for her having two more children with my stepdad because if I was naughty the younger two might copy.

Oh sweetheart! This is SO sad! You need to get away from this utterly toxic woman!

Wishiwasmore

"I wouldn't be worried about your dm having him taken off you - you are doing a good job of risking that on your own by letting her 'look after' him."

How am I doing a good job of having him taken off me?! There's ZERO evidence of him being in danger. Plus even as a child myself when I was taken to hospital weekly with bumps, dislocations and accidents their advice was to send me to dance classes to help my clumsy nature! I wasn't taken away. There's only me who worries about this as my mum is lovely to everyone except me (and her sister for some reason).

Poohsticks he's not confident doing it because he's never done one outside of home (at home he's more than happy to do nappies). The main issue being our son KNOWS his dad is nervous and squirms about thinking it's funny so my OH gets flustered and if he was in public there would be no one to take over.

Plus my OH doesn't agree with paying for childcare when I should be looking after the children and our parents helping out

What a tool.

Honestly, OP, you don't need yourself and your son surrounded by these people.

Why were you taken to hospital every week OP? Genuine accidents or were they caused by your mother?

I'm not judging by the way. My heart is going out to you because I feel that, at best, your OH is unsupportive and your mother is a nasty, nasty bitch.

You sound like a lovely person who has had her self esteem and confidence brutally destroyed but those around you. I'm so sorry.

Poohsticks I don't know why but my psychologist had my medical records when I was really ill (I had eating disorders and emotional problems) and she said it shows that between 4 and 14 there were a lot of hospital visits for accidents and when I was 5/6 it was sometimes once a week for dislocated arms and banged heads

"My wages need to cover childcare because we don't get tax credits and don't get free childcare. It's my debt from before I met my OH and my responsibility."

If you (as a family) aren't eligible for tax credits than your DH must be on a good wage. I am that he would begrudge you one days childminders fees, to spare his own son from being shouted at and hit.

Also that he is expecting you to service debts while simultaneously placing obstacles in the way of you earning.

Totally agree you are surrounded by utterly useless people (you have to take over nappy changes because your OH is 'nervous'!) you must feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders. Your mum has done a total number on you, you were not responsible for her divorce and even if you were a 'difficult' child that's no excuse for the way you were treated. I hope you won't be offended by me asking but have you had (or thought about having) any counselling to deal with the effects of your childhood?

my mum is lovely to everyone except me
You cannot know for certain that this is true.

My mum openly admits I caused her divorce
That is a horrendous thing for her to say. Can't you see how wrong that is? You didn't cause their divorce, they were adults and made their own choices. I'm so for you that you've been scapegoated like this.

I suggest you read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward.

Whether or not your Mum smacked your child this time clearly she is not suitable to look after him given the number she has done on you. It's not your fault she had a baby...
Secondly, your OH is indeed a twat.

Hidingtonothing I was in weekly two hour psychology sessions for about three years about 7yrs ago because of serious emotional issues that led to suicide attempts. My parents were invited and came once but were really negative so she wouldn't let them back again.

I think you would be better off going no contact with the lot of them