AIBU to not trust my parents?

[lalathebear]

I work three days a week and we don't use childcare for my lb because he'll be starting school soon and as a teacher I don't want to pay for holidays as well because I'd like to have him then. Anyway... my dh looks after him two days a week and our parents take it in turns to look after him the other day we need. I don't mind when my mil has him because the worst that happens is he eats his weight in biscuits! My parents are different though because after yesterday I don't trust them.

My Lb is well behaved (he has his moments obviously but soon comes round again after a bit of a strop) but even more so if someone else has him for the day. However yesterday he came home super clingy telling me that he was a naughty boy and saying sorry over and over. On top of this my dh said when he picked him up from my mums he screamed in the car and said his leg hurt. By the time he came him there was nothing there and I put it down to maybe his bum was sore because my parents hadn't changed him since the morning and he's done wee all afternoon. But when I asked why he was naughty he said my mum had shouted at him because he was a naughty boy.

Growing up I was constantly being smacked and told off for even the slightest little thing and I'm really worried it's happening again but to my lb. mum my is very well practiced at smacking legs and has a knack of doing it so it stings for a while but leaves no marks after a few minutes. AIBU not to trust her or is it just paranoia and me jumping to conclusions? If I ask her she'll have a massive go at me because we are currently not getting on well at all because she doesn't like the way i parent and says I've ruined hers and my family's life for years.

Trust your instincts, and don't send him there, she sound cruel. My oh is a teacher, and my childminders is happy to not have then in the holidays when he can look after them.

lalathebear
If he's going to school soon then he must be entitled to funded hours? Isn't there a pre school somewhere nearby?

Is there not a private nursery or childminder nearby that you could use, and make the most of the funded hours?

I'd rather be in debt, not work or be down £10 a day than send my child to someone like that.

Your making excuses for her now, after making it quite clear that she used to regularly smack you as a child. She also tells you on a regular basis that you are an unfit mother and she will take your child away from you on a regular basis.

She is a bully at worse a narcissist who has singled you out from your siblings making you the scapegoat.

Wake up and stop sending your son to her before he thinks this behaviour is normally.

Meant to say that the private nursery near us lets you spread out the funded hours so that you get one full free day a week, year round. That might be something worth looking into.

If u are both working why. Is it only your wages that pay for childcare?
She sounds horrible and I would not be leaving my child with her...Trust your instincts

£28 a day?? At which school?? In which case, hand in your notice and sign up to do supply on the two days you've got childcare.

Or leave your child with her. Your choice.

I am sorry OP but you have internalised the idea that being hit and being verbally bullied is normal and acceptable behaviour.
What you describe is abusive. This includes the way that you describe your OH.
I am so sorry.

OP, I think the people around you are clouding your judgement and causing you to feel you have no options.
You do though, you have loads of options. You have a good job and only need 1 days childcare per week. That's a great position to be in. You don't have to rely on your Mum.
Look into childminders, look into free hours at nursery, look into tax credits.
Set up some childcare where your son will be safe and happy. Then go to the CAB and get your debt repayments renegotiated in light of your higher outgoings.
Also get yourself over to the "Stately Homes" thread. Your relationships don't sound healthy and I think having a kid is forcing you to confront how bad things really were for you growing up. Good luck OP

I earn £28 a day because I only get paid for the lessons I teach and not the full day. I won't be being paid in the holidays so paying for nursery is not going to be possible as I'll not have the funds there. He starts school in January as he turns three at Christmas. He will get five mornings or afternoons a week so I'll happily work then every hour he's in school as he will get the 15hrs free childcare. Till then we are trying to make the best of the childcare we can get. My OH refuses to believe my paranoia and said my mum wouldn't have been allowed to raise three children of her own if she was abusive and I need to get over my paranoia just because I don't trust her.

I usually make sure it's a day when my sister is there as that way she can babysit but as she works shifts it's not failsafe.

If I had even a scrap of proof that wasn't circumstantial I would refuse to send him in a second. It can all be explained by my OH as him just going through a phase and being clingy and upset. He tells our son he's naughty too so probably doesn't mind other people using the word. It's me who thinks it's too negative and worries about it.

Yes I said my mum used to punish me for the slightest things because she did. It was a strict upbringing and there were a lot of rules. I found it difficult and I have an awful relationship with my parents even now nearly 20yrs later. Everyone telling me I'm not looking out for him and abusing him is not helpful when all I asked was if people thought I was being paranoid and unreasonable not to trust her. I'm going now before I fee any more rubbish

You have a thing about not paying for childcare in the holidays.. Many childminders offer term time only places, would that be a possibility?

My wages need to cover childcare because we don't get tax credits and don't get free childcare. It's my debt from before I met my OH and my responsibility. I have tried an agency and they would need me to fix my days which right now is hard because they change weekly depending on my OH being at work some days and off others. Quite often when he IS on childcare duty he has to ask his parents for help so he can make a phone call etc because technically he is still meant to be working. That means they do a lot for us anyway.

I simply wanted to know if I was being stupid not trusting her because everyone around me is telling me I'm paranoid

You're running from the truth though OP, trust your instinct (and your own childhood experience) and stop being persuaded by your OH when you know something isn't right here. I'm sorry people's responses are upsetting for you but surely your LB being upset is more important? My DD got very upset in a sleepover at my DM's once, not because she's abusive but because DD woke in the night and struggled to wake DM for reassurance, result is she doesn't go there for sleepovers anymore because I won't send her anywhere she might not be 100% happy. What are you going to do when DS starts getting upset at the mere thought of being left at your mums because of the way she's treating him? Will that be enough to convince you?

So you're working 2 hours a day? (Presuming £20 an hour) Seeing as you've got childcare for 2 days, you'd be better working more hours in 2 days and not need to pay childcare at all? I know it might not be that simple depending on your subject and the timetable but it's not worth you working for so little.

Still saying get your DS away from your mum. It's March. January 2018 is not good enough for your son.

Your mother hits children (you know this as she did it to you) and your son has exhibited behaviour strongly suggesting she has hurt him. So, yes, if you do continue to allow her to care for him on the grounds that you can't afford paid childcare, people will see it as you placing your son at risk of abuse so you can save money.

In some of your posts you sound intimidated by your mother. Surely you can see how bad it sounds that she has also threatened to seek legal action if I don't let her see my son and said she will claim I am an unfit parent and that she HAS to have care of him?

I don't think you're being stupid, I think you trust your instincts. And if your instincts are telling you that she's smacked your son, then you need to work out alternative childcare somehow.

And everyone has told you your instincts are right and you shouldn't trust her.

Can you honestly say that you are certain your son is not going to be hit and emotionally abused when he's with her? I get the financial circumstances are tough but your son needs to come before money, your mum and your husband.

So what would happen if your mum couldn't have him anymore because of ill health or whatever? You would have to find a way round it then. In your shoes I would speak to my creditors and reduce the amount you pay back every week to balance out the £28 you earn for that day. Sure it means your debts get repaid a little slower but it would be worth it to me to know my DC was safe.

I know this is really difficult and you feel stuck.
Talk to your OH. If something happens and you did nothing could you live with that? When you son gets older and says why did you send me, how would you answer him?
See what other options you have financially? Work wise?
Talk to your inlaws, they might be able to help more.

This is one of the saddest things I have read on here. You are going to carry on sending him even though you think she is hitting him. You are now minimising.
SHAME on you.

If your DH has movable shifts, and you are earning less than minimum wage per day at whatever it is you are doing now you'd be far better to apply for a full time job as a school teacher and put your DS in proper, stable childcare.

You'd pay your debt off quicker and your DS would be happier.

This is awful
Threatening you with legal action (which she will get nowhere with) yet you maintain a relationship and will allow your son to suffer???
Stop minimising and find an alternative

On the basis of this ALONE she wouldnt get within a mile of me or my kids :

"has also threatened to seek legal action if I don't let her see my son and said she will claim I am an unfit parent and that she HAS to have care of him?"

You need to grow a pair for your son and stop this. What are you waiting for? Blood amd broken bones?

We did have him in nursery once but he came home so upset every night and screamed every time we got in the car because he thought he was going back. That was heartbreaking and hence why we stopped it. Plus my OH doesn't agree with paying for childcare when I should be looking after the children and our parents helping out.

I've asked school today if I can cut down to two days but they said it would have to be fixed days and not variable like I am now because of timetable issues. They can't give me a full day when I go in because it depends how many teachers are off. Some days I've been sent home because they don't need cover! That would be a day wasted.

I have asked him if Grannie smacked him and he said no. He said she shouted at him for being naughty and shouted at daddy and made mummy cry (last week I took him to see my mum and she made me cry telling me I'd ruined her life and that of my brother and sister).

I wish I could trust her and I probably should because she's never shown anything but love to my child but I just can't 100% trust her and it bothers me when he's upset. As to him saying his leg hurt in the car it could be what my OH said and just that his bottom was sore because there was no time to change his nappy.

Plus my OH doesn't agree with paying for childcare when I should be looking after the children and our parents helping out

Your OH is a cock.