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Parenting

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Original poster

AIBU to not trust my parents?

222 replies

lalathebear · 03/03/2017 10:53

I work three days a week and we don't use childcare for my lb because he'll be starting school soon and as a teacher I don't want to pay for holidays as well because I'd like to have him then. Anyway... my dh looks after him two days a week and our parents take it in turns to look after him the other day we need. I don't mind when my mil has him because the worst that happens is he eats his weight in biscuits! My parents are different though because after yesterday I don't trust them.

My Lb is well behaved (he has his moments obviously but soon comes round again after a bit of a strop) but even more so if someone else has him for the day. However yesterday he came home super clingy telling me that he was a naughty boy and saying sorry over and over. On top of this my dh said when he picked him up from my mums he screamed in the car and said his leg hurt. By the time he came him there was nothing there and I put it down to maybe his bum was sore because my parents hadn't changed him since the morning and he's done wee all afternoon. But when I asked why he was naughty he said my mum had shouted at him because he was a naughty boy.

Growing up I was constantly being smacked and told off for even the slightest little thing and I'm really worried it's happening again but to my lb. mum my is very well practiced at smacking legs and has a knack of doing it so it stings for a while but leaves no marks after a few minutes. AIBU not to trust her or is it just paranoia and me jumping to conclusions? If I ask her she'll have a massive go at me because we are currently not getting on well at all because she doesn't like the way i parent and says I've ruined hers and my family's life for years.

OP posts:

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krustykittens · 03/03/2017 14:08

You mother is an abuser, OP, I am sorry. You really cannot send your child back there. She has no rights to her grandchild, none at all, hers is an empty threat. Did you hope she would be different with her grandchildren than she was with you? I know I hoped this with my parents but I have learned that abusers don't change unless they admit they are abusers and work hard to behave better. Your mother isn't doing this.

Semaphorically · 03/03/2017 14:13

You do have a choice and you have to protect him, you're his mum. No matter how hard it is to have the conversation I think you need to find out if your son has been smacked, and also talk to your mum about ground rules e.g. Never hit or smack my children.

It might take a few months to restructure things so you don't need your mum to look after him so in the meantime can you urgently start to "inoculate" him against the damage she's doing?
"Grandma is old and she does things in an old-fashioned way. We know
it's never ok to hit people and hurt them."
"If someone hurts you, it's ok to say OW that hurt me and tell them to stop hurting you."
"Sometimes grandma will have different rules to mummy and daddy. If you don't understand her rules you can ask mummy and daddy to explain."

xStefx · 03/03/2017 14:23

OP, it sounds lie your Mum is spending her day with your son by verbally bullying him and smacking him, yet your too scared to upset her and so would rather it carry on?

Speak to your MIL, explain whats going on and ask her to have him the extra day instead of your mum. txt your mum and tell her you believe she is verbally and physically abusing your son and so you will be stopping contact. Social Services wont listen to her at all, they are used to family members trying to cause trouble.

However im confused as to why you have come on here? Sounds like you want to tell everyone whats going on but wont do anything about it? Please don't allow your son to be abused because you want to save a few quid on childcare or because your scared of what social services will say. That would mean your an abuse enabler and your son cant trust you to protect him. Sorry to sound harsh OP I understand you want advice but you seem like your not willing to do what needs to be done.

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twattymctwatterson · 03/03/2017 14:23

Seriously op, your mother abused you. She's still abusing you and is now abusing your child. If you sacrifice your child's physical and mental wellbeing because you can't "afford" childcare then you are basically an abuser yourself. Protect your son, it's your job. You're an educated woman so surely you can easily find out your mother is talking bollocks about her "rights"

annlee3817 · 03/03/2017 14:28

Surely you would only be paying for childcare every other week then? so could you find someone that is flexible, or a friend that has a child of a similar age that would take him for that one day every other week and you'd pay her for the day? I don't mean to make you feel worse, but I'd rather get into further debt than subject my child to that every other week, and your Mum claiming that she has rights is total crap, you're his Mum and if she threatens that again I would be informing her that you will report her for hitting her Grandson.

CocoLoco87 · 03/03/2017 14:33

You say your son is starting school soon? Isn't he entitled to the free hours of nursery then? Aren't all 3 year olds entitled to 30 free hours a week? (Not entirely sure how it works as my DC isn't old enough yet)

I would definitely not be sending him back. Find a child minder or ask a friend. Maybe Mil will help you out if she knows what's going on.

Gearsforfears · 03/03/2017 14:33

However im confused as to why you have come on here? Sounds like you want to tell everyone whats going on but wont do anything about it?

^^ This.

Original poster

lalathebear · 03/03/2017 15:12

Wow! I am not saying I am going to allow him to be abused! There is no evidence he is being abused and I was asking if people thought I was jumping to conclusions! Childcare is £39 a day and I earn £28 a day so it makes no sense for me to do that unless I use our parents for free childcare. My OH says I'm being paranoid and he isn't paying for something unnecessary just because me and my mum don't get on. He said she has always told him I was a horrible child so maybe she had to be strict and I don't like it. Our LB saying he was naughty might have come from my DH because he's always saying "don't be naughty" to him so maybe he's confused.

I take objection to being told I would rather my son abused just to save money. Ffs I'm trying to keep a roof over his head!

OP posts:

twattymctwatterson · 03/03/2017 15:13

Except you already KNOW that your mum is abusive and you are relying on her for childcare anyway

HamletsSister · 03/03/2017 15:18

If he complains at school and SS get wind of him being hit (and you knowing about it) then you will find yourself being questioned about your parenting skills.

How do you earn only £28 a day? NMW is more than that and you are a teacher, you said?

NapQueen · 03/03/2017 15:19

Sounds like youve moved from an abusive mum to an emotionally abusive partner.

xStefx · 03/03/2017 15:22

Sorry OP but you have backtracked because you don't like what your hearing.

Yes to me it seems you would rather him carry on being mistreated so you don't have to pay for childcare.

Im not sure what you have come on here for? Try to remember your job is to protect your DS, if you don't do that then your not a good parent and he shouldn't be with your mum or you.

What are you planning on doing about it?

jelliebelly · 03/03/2017 15:22

You absolutely do have a choice - your child's safety and wellbeing are paramount surely.

Lochan · 03/03/2017 15:23

I'm sorry for asking but if you are a teach how on earth are you only earning £28 per day?

Your Mother is wrong. She can go and waste her money in a solicitor but Grandparents have no automatic rights.

She can say that you aren't a fit parent but what evidence would she be able to produce? Your DH and PILs and friends would be able to easily refute it.

It might be worth mentioning to her that even if your child was removed from you that he wouldn't be handed over to her. He could go to your PILs and she'd never see him.

Regardless of what you decide to do about childcare (and personally I wouldn't send him back there) you need to start taking back some control. You are the child's mother. You have the power, you just have to take it.

Original poster

lalathebear · 03/03/2017 15:25

She's not abusive though. Her and my step dad never once hurt a hair on my brother and sister as we were growing up and had never been anything but lovely to my son when we've all been together. I have zero proof she has hurt him except my own paranoia.

OP posts:

FuckYouDailyMail · 03/03/2017 15:27

Do you feel you are putting your child's welfare first OP?

MrsDustyBusty · 03/03/2017 15:27

she has always told him I was a horrible child so maybe she had to be strict and I don't like it.

How unpleasant.

OP, do you know yet what led to all this? What actually happened? What enormity is your little boy supposed to have committed? What action by him would merit discipline leading to that level of distress?

xStefx · 03/03/2017 15:28

Growing up I was constantly being smacked and told off for even the slightest little thing - These are your words OP

NerrSnerr · 03/03/2017 15:28

'Growing up I was constantly being smacked and told off for even the slightest little thing and I'm really worried it's happening again but to my lb. mum my is very well practiced at smacking legs and has a knack of doing it so it stings for a while but leaves no marks after a few minutes.'

You are leaving your son with an abuser. You think he may have been hit yesterday. How can you even consider leaving him again now the seed of doubt is in your mind. From your last post it seems that the worries your mum will kick up a fuss and your partner's opinions come above the safety and wellbeing of your little boy.

AlisonBlunderland · 03/03/2017 15:29

If you work 3 days a week is there any way you could look after a friend's child one day a week on your day off, and she looks after yours for your working day?

xStefx · 03/03/2017 15:29

mum my is very well practiced at smacking legs and has a knack of doing it so it stings for a while but leaves no marks after a few minutes

also your words OP (so you wont get any proof)

Hidingtonothing · 03/03/2017 15:30

I agree I'm afraid OP, I couldn't send my DD anywhere I wasn't 100% sure she was being treated kindly whatever the cost. However impossible it seems now you have to find a way to manage without sending your boy to your mum, if you're only earning £28 could you drop a day at work? Don't assume there's no way round it, search until you find one because the repercussions for your innocent little boy don't bear thinking about.

Semaphorically · 03/03/2017 15:30

Her and my step dad never once hurt a hair on my brother and sister as we were growing up

You said she slapped legs routinely and called you a horrible child? That sounds hurtful to me, beyond "normal" parenting.

Does this ring any bells?

xStefx · 03/03/2017 15:31

So basically OP your not gonna do anything? Just come on here to tell us that you think your son is being hit and made to feel like shit by your DM but hey if its gonna cost you £39 a day then lets just hope she doesn't do too much damage!

OP, you make me really angry- WTF is wrong with you

user1476185294 · 03/03/2017 15:31

I don't understand how you only get £28 a day... I got more than that working at an after school club on minimum wage... and that was only for an afternoon not a full days work.

I think you're right, your mum shouted at your son, hit him and thinks he's spoilt brat who needs to be 'taught' something... who know what. She said you have ruined her and your families lives??? By what? Not beating your kid?

From what you have said I wouldn't let her look after a goldfish never mind your toddler. I'm assuming he is 2, otherwise (assuming UK) he could go to nursery free for 1 1/2 days. When does he turn 3? Can you cope either working one day less or a loss until then?
Or are you not saying something which makes you think you aren't right about him being hit and being naughty? Unless DH said he was naughty and upset him on the way home then I can't see how the poor kid is confused. If your kid is able to remember/understand I would ask him directly if his grandma hurt him.

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