Should I tell my daughter she has a half sister? (title edited by MNHQ)

[tedrekasta]

I have an English daughter aged 32. She has 2 children.

Shamefully, I had an affair 6 years ago with a Polish woman who I met abroad whilst working which (accidentally) resulted in another daughter. She lives in Poland with her mother (and elder Polish half sister).

I have never told my English daughter about her half sister in Poland.

Historically, my English daughter always yearned for a sister and my wife and I regret not having any more children. We are in our 60's. I am 68.

I have to tell terrible lies to both my wife and my English daughter in order to go and visit my daughter in Poland. Which I do about every 2 months.

I miss my Polish daughter, now 5, very much. But I love my English daughter so much and don't want to hurt her. And I love my wife very much and don't want to hurt her.

I just don't know what to do.

Should I tell my English daughter that she has a very young half sister living in Poland?

I am deeply upset and ashamed of myself. But want the best for my wife, my English daughter and my Polish daughter.

I would love any advice. Especially from anyone who has been through such a situation or similar situation.

Thank you for any help.

I actually think you're not listening to advice. The vast majority of people on here have said to tell your wife and daughter and to do it soon so that you're not carrying on the deception and you give them time to adjust to the news. There's nothing to be gained by waiting a few years other than saving you from pain.

But those of you advocating telling them now haven't exactly explained why that is the best way forward for my Polish daughter.

What about what is best for your wife and oldest daughter? You could drop dead tomorrow!

The sooner you tell the sooner you can have a more open relationship with your 5 yr old.

The age gap between your two daughters is definitely not the reason they may not have a relationship...

It's because of the circumstances of the little one's conception. Not to mention the geographical distance and language barrier.

You are discussing the reaction of our DW and DD, but a lot of the ensuing result will depend on your Polish partner. I would talk to her first and see how keen or how much animosity she has to DW and DD. That will affect how much your DD might be able to see your DSEcondD and how things go.
Then when you know that tell your DW and DD.

It's best for your polish daughter for two reasons

Firstly you will be able to spend more time with her once it is out in the open

Secondly, it will enable her to have relationships with your family. You are currently depriving her of that.

This is a tough one and lots of different opinions. Assuming you are supporting your youngest daughter in Poland I'd say keep quiet and continue as you are. The little girl doesn't see you very often and her life is in Poland and I'm sure she has a very happy life with her family and friends. Lots of children grow up perfectly well without a father's presence.
You didn't have an affair with the Polish woman, you had a very short fling. You'll just have to man up and live with the guilt and let your wife and eldest daughter, and your grandchildren, carry on being happy. You only want to tell them to unburden your conscience and then when it wrecks their lives and happiness you can wallow in self pity.
Too bad. You don't get the luxury of that.
Focus on your English family and stop lavishing all your affection on the 5 year old.
Man up and make a decision and stick to it. You sound a very weak individual and your youngest daughter would probably be better off without you popping into her life occasionally.

" I find that sad "

And I find it sad that you havnt got the balls to be open and honest with your wife and daughter

Own up to your responsibilities, I don't think you have any intention on telling them and leave it to pan out after you've gone

The longer you leave it to tell them, the bigger the repercussions will most likely be

I've said it before, you've always been called " weak ", well do something about it, prove that you're not.

You're a fully grown man, yes you made a mistake buts it's time to do the right thing, you may think you're trying to protect them but tbh what I'm seeing is you only protecting yourself

I find that very sad...and not in an upsetting way

I would tell your DW first.

Your relationship with your DW is very different from your DD.
It might result in divorce. Or a very unpleasant homelife. Your DD's life will not be as impacted. Quite different for her, though you seem to prioritise her feelings.

llangenneth 's view is interesting.
I am now wondering if you secretly want a close relationship with your 5 year old DD. Possibly which includes the Polish DM?
You don't seem to be as interested in the welfare of your DW.
Is this a belated mid life crisis.

NO!!! :)
Definitely not interested in any form of relationship with the mother of my 5 year old Polish daughter.

She has a fiery temper and I can't cope with people like that - never have done. It just upsets me and makes me miserable. I don't have the ability to shout back.

As someone pointed out in one of the posts I am a very weak man. So anyone who suggests I 'man up' is telling me to do something I find almost impossible to do. All my life I've run away from things. 'Always a quitter' as they say.

But I'm too old to change I think.

Sorry, but I meant to repeat that the 'relationship' with the Polish mother of my daughter lasted a few days - much less than a week. In fact it was more or less one day.

llangenith
You say 'You sound a very weak individual and your youngest daughter would probably be better off without you popping into her life occasionally.'

But why is it bad for her to see me because I am a weak person? Is weak bad??

So that's it then?

You come on here asking for advice. Most people are saying you should tell your wife and then your older daughter about the existence of your younger daughter.

You come back and say you are weak and you are not going to change. Does that mean you have decided to continue to lie to them and see your younger daughter in secret?

I originally had a lot of sympathy for you OP, despite what you've done.

However your constantly going on in your posts about how weak and pitiful and sorry you are smacks of wanting sympathy.

You may feel bad, but you are not the victim here. The women you have caught up in the situation and most of all your young daughter are the ones suffering!

Stop looking for excuses in telling them. It doesn't matter how "weak" you think you are, everyone has the ability to be honest in some way. If you need to do it in a "weak way" and write your wife a letter or something.

For goodness sake you need to put at the forefront of all your concerns the needs of your dependent child. If her mother is single now and she has you walking in and out of her life whenever it's convenient for you due to you having to keep it secret from your family, then she really, really needs you to do the right thing.

Do you not understand how much this will affect her! You take her emotional well being for granted because you are not around enough to see the effect it will have on her. If you are truly incapable of doing the right thing, then do the next best and leave her alone. Another father figure will hopefully come into her life.

THere's no point getting caught up in the moral argument of your affair now, it has happened and you have a child as living proof. I despair for this poor girl, and if I was your wife and found out in some other way in future that you had a daughter, knowing that you had her and abandoned her out of fear of admitting what you had done, would be far worse than coming clean. Truly it would ruin the way your family see you forever, much more than it would if you told them now.

But who cares because you so clearly aren't listening, you are one of those posters who ask for "advice" when clearly what you really want is for someone to justify what you have already decided anyway.

I hope if this is a genuine post, you take to heart how much this will affect your little daughter and do the right thing by her. If you don't, you'll just be one of many fathers who refuse to see their offspring as a priority, and go on living your life how you are and convincing yourself you're doing enough. Well, you're not. What a sad place the world is sometimes.

But the advice has been conflicting.

Some say tell my wife and English daughter.

Some say don't.

What does your heart tell you to do, tedrekasta?

AlltheGlitters.

You say she (Polish mother) really really needs me to do the right thing.

But I don't know what you mean by that? I am so frightened of her that I cannot be in her company for more than 5 minutes.

And judging by the horrible things she always says to me when we meet I cannot imagine she wants anything to do with me apart from provide money (which I do) and see our daughter (which I do).

No, not Polish mother, Polish daughter!!

It's not really about her though is it. My partner has a child from a bad relationship with a horrible woman who for years has gone out of her way to make his life difficult when he decided he couldn't stay with her. he puts up with her because of the child.

You are again skirting round the issue. Despite what other posters have written (and no offence there are good points but I'm talking to you OP) do you really think it's the right think to do, for yourself or anyone else involved, to continue like this? I don't believe for a second that you do.

And sorry but you don't really see your daughter do you. Once every 2 months for a 5 year old is not a daddy, it's not a relationship. In reality it will be hard for you but she deserves a relationship with her father.

If you can't offer her that by explaining to your wife that you have aother daughter, then maybe it's best you just pay money and don't see her. Imagine what a fucked up view of men she will have, and of you. "Daddy has a nice house and family far away but he doesn't want me there". Children will blame themselves for your absence sometimes.

If you were going to tear apart a family with other young children (i.e. if you had done this 20 years ago) I could understand why it would be so much of a dilemma, but really your English DD is fully grown, your concerns now should be for the child you have who doesn't have any say at all in this situation. What do you think she would like you to do?

Notmypenguin

My heart tells me to be with my Polish daughter who I miss desperately. She is so full of life and character.

Sorry what I meant was, if she is being raised by a single mother, as in she no longer has a father figure at home, then she really needs you to do the right thing. Obviously I can't speak for everyone but I think unless you can offer her a happy and stable relationship with regular communication over telephone, Skype etc. as well as your visits do you not think it's best she has a clean slate?

Do you send her Birthday and Christmas cards and presents? It's just so terribly sad to think of her knowing you are out there and able to be around but for some reason unknown to her it's very sporadic, inconsistent and short lived. It will be very difficult her to process why this is, and if you can't rely on her mother to paint a pretty picture for her as to why you aren't around very much, then you need to do it yourself.

If you really aren't going to tell your family can you have more contact with her without them knowing, like can you call her at work? Can't believe I am actually giving you advice about how to keep this horrible charade up, but my sympathy and concern lies solely with that little girl. She deserves more than this and you know it.

ted Has anyone on this thread really said that you shouldn't tell your wife and daughter? I think some have counseled you on how to tell, but not to tell at all? Has anyone really said that? Especially given that you are (rightly) making provisions for your Polish daughter in your will?

If anyone has said that they think it's fine to keep quiet and let the shit hit the fan when you are gone, then they are very heartless and cruel.

You , your wife , English daughter and Polish daughter are all living a lie and you are the only one that knows this . Do the right thing and get this out in the open, no messing about trying to second guess how it will make people feel ( stupid question anyway ! How the fuck do you think it will make them feel)

Tell your family and give them the chance to make informed decisions (especially your wife) on how they continue with this.

If you do nothing and leave this all to come out after your death your English wife and child will be devastated and likely hate the very mention of you, they also may not want anything to do with your Polish daughter which would be horrible for her.

If you deal with this now you have some hope of salvaging the relationships concerned. I'm sure there will be turmoil and upset for a while but it is possible that you will come out the other end and have a relationship with both your daughters.

You created this situation and you should not run from it. They will find out eventually and better it be when you are still alive and can try to make things better for them, if only by allowing them to direct their anger and hurt properly.

tedrekasta, you sound so full of love and so proud of your daughter when you talk about her.

One argument for telling your wife and older daughter is that you are obviously so proud of your youngest daughter and can see how full of life and character she is, but you are depriving the rest of your family (especially your older daughter and her children) of the chance to get to know her too. I would imagine you also have other family members (possibly even parents alive still, or at least siblings/cousins?) who might otherwise miss out on knowing the youngest daughter you are rightly so proud of.