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Original poster

Should I tell my daughter she has a half sister? (title edited by MNHQ)

999 replies

tedrekasta · 05/02/2017 12:00

I have an English daughter aged 32. She has 2 children.

Shamefully, I had an affair 6 years ago with a Polish woman who I met abroad whilst working which (accidentally) resulted in another daughter. She lives in Poland with her mother (and elder Polish half sister).

I have never told my English daughter about her half sister in Poland.

Historically, my English daughter always yearned for a sister and my wife and I regret not having any more children. We are in our 60's. I am 68.

I have to tell terrible lies to both my wife and my English daughter in order to go and visit my daughter in Poland. Which I do about every 2 months.

I miss my Polish daughter, now 5, very much. But I love my English daughter so much and don't want to hurt her. And I love my wife very much and don't want to hurt her.

I just don't know what to do.

Should I tell my English daughter that she has a very young half sister living in Poland?

I am deeply upset and ashamed of myself. But want the best for my wife, my English daughter and my Polish daughter.

I would love any advice. Especially from anyone who has been through such a situation or similar situation.

Thank you for any help.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 06/02/2017 12:19

Your friend is correct in so much that your daughter in Poland is a child. Her needs must come first.

If you want to change the title, click on report post and ask for the title to be changed to half sister.

iknowimcoming · 06/02/2017 12:26

My father had 3 children by his mistress my mother, his wife knew about us and we had a relationship with her (strange but true) however none of her family or his family knew about us at all, my father and his wife both became ill at the same time, his wife with dementia, and it was very tricky to visit them without their families being there and them finding out about us. At one point I was checking obituaries daily in case my father had died as there was no one to tell me. In the end I met my aunt for the first time at a hospice where my father was dying. Imagine dealing with the death of your father with the massive additional strain this situation brings, and then trying to plan a funeral to suit everyone, and dealing with wills etc.

Your family may react badly to this news at first and that may not ever go away, but it might, they may respect your honesty even if they disagree with your actions. But far better to give them that choice than to deal them a hideous blow at an already terrible time. Also do you want your young daughter to only find out about her fathers death from a solicitor dealing with your will, most likely after your funeral has taken place?

zippey · 06/02/2017 12:54

I have a friend whose 70 year old father had a child and then lived in Phillipenes with his wife of about 26.

Unfortunately for him, his wife divorced him, his children mostly disowned him and he lost a lot of money. Also his Philipeno gf/wife found another man and moved to the US. He moved back from the Philopenes to live in the UK. He lives quite a lonely life.

It's such a difficult situation for you that whatever you do it will cause pain and hurt.

Interested in this thread?

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Families General parenting
dowhatnow · 06/02/2017 13:12

What is that sweet 5 year old going to think of you when she gets older and discovers the lies you've told to others? What spin will you have had to have told her? I can't think she will have a lot of respect for you either. Tell the truth now and you may rescue your future relationship with her (and as a pp said see her more than a few times a year)

corythatwas · 06/02/2017 16:17

It's not a question of whether your wife and older daughter should know the truth or not, is it? It's a question of whether they will find out the truth now and make you uncomfortable, or at your funeral when they are at their most vulnerable but you don't have to face the music.

Queenie04 · 06/02/2017 19:55

Disappointed in OP's last comment if you know what you think, why did you ask for others opinion Confused

Original poster
tedrekasta · 07/02/2017 16:02

All I said was that I am INCLINED towards the most important person being the 5 year old.

It doesn't mean I have resolved anything and the help offered on this forum has given me a lot of food for thought.

I did try counselling. But, obviously, the councillor did not offer a solution. She merely talked through the issues and tried to get to the bottom of the emotions involved.

Which still leaves me with the big decision.

Though I realised yesterday in a conversation with my English daughter that she loves mumsnet and spends quite a lot of time on this site! Manybe she will put two and two together...........

OP posts:
Original poster
tedrekasta · 07/02/2017 16:02

Maybe. Not manybe!

OP posts:
TheAntiBoop · 07/02/2017 16:06

Well I guess that would make it easier for you - just let her find out and deal with the consequences rather than taking an active role in your own life

Original poster
tedrekasta · 07/02/2017 16:27

Several of you have referred to my Polish daughter as a 'dirty little secret'.

I find that both upsetting and aggressive.

I am proud of her and love her dearly. And am miserable not seeing her every day and watching her grow.

Yes she is a secret from my wife and English daughter. But because I am afraid of the consequences. Not because of my feelings for my Polish daughter.

OP posts:
Original poster
tedrekasta · 07/02/2017 16:30

TheAntiBoop

I only wish my life was as perfect as yours clearly must be.

I made a shameful mistake which haunts me every day and all you can do is dish out bile. I am ashamed that I haven't the guts to tell my wife and English daughter.

I am ashamed that I cannot go to Poland to be with my lovely Polish daughter.

Yes, I accept that I am a bad person. But I am trying to find a solution. If all you can do is be unkind to me I don't see how that helps find a solution.

OP posts:
TheAntiBoop · 07/02/2017 16:33

I don't know if you are a bad person and my life certainly isn't perfect. I have seen the fall out from this type of situation and it wasn't pretty. But that short term pain will ease and things will get better. You just have to rip the plaster off

Good people make mistakes but it is better to deal with them than try and shove them down the line

The only way you will be able to spend more time with your younger daughter is by coming clean with your English family

itsmine · 07/02/2017 16:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

P1nkP0ppy · 07/02/2017 16:37

Not sure why you came on here to seek advice if you have zero intention of changing the status quo Confused

HerRoyalNotness · 07/02/2017 16:45

The solution is clear! Tell your family and accept the consequences.

I'd be interested to know if the will part is leaving a separate insurance policy to your polish DD, or were you planning to leave her part of the marital home? Imagine how your wife would feel, facing your death and an uncertain future.

LexieLulu · 07/02/2017 16:50

You seem defensive over her being "your dirty little secret" but that is exactly what she is till you admit

PollytheDolly · 07/02/2017 17:27

Ted

Doing nothing is not going to be a solution.

I really think you need to be honest now. It's eating you up and it will never get better.

Your DW and DD1 MAY not disown you (not long term) but they might. It's the chance you've got to take.

I'm sensing you want to be with your Polish daughter?

YouWillNotSeeMe · 07/02/2017 17:30

Please do not let your wife and daughter find out in your will, that is all kinds of cruel.

AcrossthePond55 · 07/02/2017 18:08

And so you will do nothing and let the chips fall where they may after your death, when you are not there to answer questions or face the recriminations so you richly deserve from your UK family. You are going to deny them the one outlet they should have for their anger and hurt; the person who caused that hurt. I think you're the worst kind of coward. And you dare talk about other posters being 'unkind'? I think the unkindness that you're meting out to your innocent UK family to save yourself from hurt is far worse than the unkindness you're complaining about on this thread!

I daresay that if you were 'counseling' a junior employee who had messed up on something important at work you'd be telling him to 'be a man', fess up, and accept the consequences of his mistake, even if that meant being sacked. I doubt very much you'd be telling him to hide the evidence, to get another job fast so he wouldn't be there when the shit hit the fan, and not to worry about his innocent coworkers having to clean up his shit.

P1nkP0ppy · 07/02/2017 18:12

Incidentally I just hope your Polish mistress doesn't get pissed off with your inability to make a decision and get in touch with your wife.

NomNomTom · 07/02/2017 18:33

I think that you should be less certain that the decision is in your hands.

I imagine that when your Polish daughter is a teenager, she will look for and find your older daughter on social media. Presumably she will be adding photos of her and you together to her social media. It may be that in 7 years or so, if you don't tell your English family in advance, your daughter will simply contact her sister and step-mother without your knowledge.

Fairenuff · 07/02/2017 18:54

What you haven't addressed OP is how you feel about your wife and English daughter finding out after your death. Which seems to be your plan at the moment.

Or how you are going to keep this Polish child a secret after you retire.

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/02/2017 10:21

A counsellor isn't there to give you solutions. You need to come up with them yourself. They are there to support you and help you if / when you decide to tell your wife and daughter. Then they are there to prop you up when the shit hits the fan.

Either you were expecting something they couldn't give. Or you weren't seeing the right person in the first place. Counselling isn't a one stop shop or a one size fits all.

Original poster
tedrekasta · 09/02/2017 09:15

The whole point of coming on here was to seek advice, not to be vilified for my terrible mistake.

And as I said I am listening to that advice. Though again as I said some of you have said tell my wife and English daughter. And some of you have said don't tell them yet.

And no, it isn't my intention to let them find out when I die. I do realise that would be the worst solution.

What I do really appreciate is the advice from those of you who have been thoughtful about the situation or who have lived through similar situations or at least have knowledge of those situations.

It may be that the best way forward is to tell my wife and daughter asap. Or it may be that the best way forward is to wait a few years. I don't know yet. But those of you advocating telling them now haven't exactly explained why that is the best way forward for my Polish daughter.

I have always intended to tell them. It's just a matter of when.

One thing that dismays me is that you all generally think that my two daughters cannot have a good relationship due to the large age difference. I find that very sad.

OP posts:
Original poster
tedrekasta · 09/02/2017 09:17

No, not leaving her the marital home in my will. Indeed I'm not even sure such a thing would be possible.

OP posts:
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