Should I tell my daughter she has a half sister? (title edited by MNHQ)

[tedrekasta]

I have an English daughter aged 32. She has 2 children.

Shamefully, I had an affair 6 years ago with a Polish woman who I met abroad whilst working which (accidentally) resulted in another daughter. She lives in Poland with her mother (and elder Polish half sister).

I have never told my English daughter about her half sister in Poland.

Historically, my English daughter always yearned for a sister and my wife and I regret not having any more children. We are in our 60's. I am 68.

I have to tell terrible lies to both my wife and my English daughter in order to go and visit my daughter in Poland. Which I do about every 2 months.

I miss my Polish daughter, now 5, very much. But I love my English daughter so much and don't want to hurt her. And I love my wife very much and don't want to hurt her.

I just don't know what to do.

Should I tell my English daughter that she has a very young half sister living in Poland?

I am deeply upset and ashamed of myself. But want the best for my wife, my English daughter and my Polish daughter.

I would love any advice. Especially from anyone who has been through such a situation or similar situation.

Thank you for any help.

I wouldn't waste any more time replying to this man.

He's waiting for someone to say what he wants to hear and grasping at any whisper of it.

Pathetic.

From your affair to your secret to this very post.

Woman up, for fucks sake. Before the stress kills you and they find out from a stranger (solicitor) I'm a letter whilst dealing with all the other crap.

I understand your desire to put your youngest daughter first.....you have a lot more years of her growing up ahead of you.

But what you don't seem to realise is that she IS seeing you and having a relationship with you. Nothing about that currently needs to change.

You HAVE to tell your wife and older daughter. You have to. For them. They deserve to know! Besides, if your youngest is in your will then that affects your older daughter and her inheritance too. I would hate you if you were my father and I found this out too late. At least if you tell them now you can explain the situation and give them answers to their questions

Thanks everyone. I now see myself in a different (unpleasant) light.

I don't really know what to say. The reason I came on this forum was for help. Because I am and have been fairly useless.

I made a terrible mistake. For which I shall NEVER forgive myself. And for which I feel guilty every day.

BUT I am so happy to have my lovely Polish daughter. I think it must be age. Because I am so old I can appreciate the wonderfulness of a child growing up more than I did with my first daughter.

The thing is that I have never been unfaithful apart from this one, brief, occasion. And furthermore, I don't approve of people being unfaithful. I think it lacks both honesty and moral courage - after all, a lot of people are attractive enough to have an affair. I am not. I am literally ugly. Or to be kind, balding, heavy and old.

I am not making excuses for myself when I say that I always presume women are not interested in me physically. So, when an attractive Polish woman, 20 years younger than me threw herself at me I should have just thought to myself. This isn't reality. This is stupid. Etc. But I didn't because she was so insistent. And ultimately because I was weak.

So, I was wrong as many of you have told me. And every day I am ashamed.

It's not even the case that we are suited. We are chalk and cheese! Literally.

For what it's worth she did tell me that she decided she could have me and so she did. I did not make a 'move' on her.

But we are where we are.

And I have received conflicting suggestions from you all as to the best way forward. I admit I am weak and find decisions difficult - hence my failure to progress at work. And hence my wife's failure to see me as anything other than a workaday useless bloke who she doesn't fancy.

But through all of this, all I want now is the best for my lovely 5 year old Polish daughter. Even though her mother hates me and has no respect for my weak personality.

Some of you have been kind in making suggestions. Some of you have vilified me.

I probably deserve both.

But in all of this, I honestly want to find the best way forward to help my lovely Polish daughter.

If that means I should tell my wife and English daughter. So be it.

But if it means that will make things more difficult for everyone then maybe not.

I have absolutely no idea what the best way forward is. And that is what I seek.

Yet some of you want to make me out as some kind of pariah. Believe me I have NEVER seen myself as a man who attracts women.

Some of you suggest I should do nothing. On the grounds that it won't make anything better.

That's all I want to do is to make things better for my Polish daughter who I miss desperately.

For the record my wife thinks I am a wimp and is probably right. But I can't change now. I shall be 70 soon.

Is 'heavy' a euphemism for 'fat'? Your self-pity just makes you even worse!

You just aren't listening. The vast vast majority of posters have said you should tell them. You don't want to so you are grasping at the tiny number who sided with your preferred plan of action which is to do nohing.

Whatever about the depths of your self pity you are right about some things, you are a weak and selfish man. You won't face up to what you have done and you won't do the only right and fair thing, tell your family what has happened and face the fallout. You'd seemingly rather they find out after you die which is going to cause them even more pain and remove any chance they had of asking you for an explanation/making you face what you did.

What you are doing now is even worse than what you did then.

I'm done.

I'm not falling for the " woe is me" act and you can dress it up as you like, you're not going to say anything and added that maybe a small tiny handful have said not to tell,you're clutching on that

Pathetic, it's your two daughters and your wife I feel for, you don't even feel you owe it to them otherwise you'd have spilled all by now

I have no sympathy

All sympathy has gone from me too. Your focus is incorrectly directed at your Polish daughter. You don't deserve your wife or English daughters thoughts or concerns or blessings as they aren't even being considered in your decisions. Your wife, who has given you her life, her adult life, building a home with you, a family, all ditched

ted I'm so happy you've decided to put your little one first, that's really great.

There's no point focusing on the fling that resulted in your daughter now, honestly. Obviously your wife won't see it that way but, either that's something you can cross when you come to it, or to be honest you don't sound like you have a terribly happy and affectionate marriage anyway. Let your daughter give you a new lease on life.

How do you think you will go forward with the Polish woman in terms of asking for more contact? I don't know her obviously but hopefully if you just state honestly how you want to be there more for the daughter you had together, then hopefully it will be fine. How do you think she will react to you wanting to see or talk to her more?

I apparently once said to my ex that I'd probably rather not know if someone cheated on me. I don't even remember saying it, it was a flippant off the cuff remark many years ago.

He used that as mental justification for sleeping with many other people, not saying a word to me about, it despite putting my health at risk on several occasions. Oh, and mutual acquaintances and friends were also aware of some of it and said nothing to me.

I was GUTTED when I discovered all this, even more so when his explanation was 'Well, YOU said you didn't want to know!'

It's probable that your wife doesn't even remember saying that years ago. I know it will be very hard, and probably cause a lot of heartache and grief, but in the long run it is better for all of you to be aware of reality. Especially, I would think, your youngest daughter.

Presumably you're focusing on your Polish daughter primarily because of her age but she's not your only daughter and won't be a child forever. Yeh she's important but so is your other daughter and your wife. It mustn't be very nice if your wife thinks you're a wimp (and what the Polish woman is saying isn't nice either) but your wife doesn't deserve to be misled all the same. You've had enough opinions etc thrown at you on here but hopefully you'll be able to come to some good decisions of your own soon

Is this real? I have no idea. But on the off chance it is, I have sort of been in this situation. My dad was married before and I have an older half sister from that marriage. But he's also cheated on her mum, and there is another half sister. I know about her - but my other sister does not.

She'll find put when my dad dies, again due to the will. It's shit. The secret is shit. Realising my dad's cowardice and selfishness - that's really shit. Knowing that my (half) sister will be upset that my dad is dead, then MORE upset to find out the lies - well, that's probably the worst.

Face up. Come clean. But stop with the pathetic excuses of how you are s unattractive and downtrodden and no one else had looked at you... You cheated and you lied. And you diverted family money. No one made you but you did that. Own it.

I have absolutely no idea what the best way forward is. And that is what I seek.

In other words you are waiting for someone to tell you to keep everything as it is.

Yeah yeah.

Keep everything as it is.

Will that do?

Ok, bye.

Chicken shit.

Get a UK DNA test

I've name changed to post this and have only read the OPs posts.

I found out my Dad had another child after he died, it's made me question everything about my life and has caused a lot of heartache? Please don't do that to your wife and children, don't let them find out when your not here to answer for yourself, they will feel like you didn't care about, and you won't be here to say they did.

I did end up meeting my sister but sadly it hasn't worked out, not because of the 11 year age gap and we don't have any bad feelings about each other but both have issues about what my Dad did and I think being in each other's lives stopped us from moving on. I don't know how to word it, but my sister is happier without me in her life, and I totally understand why because I find it upsetting too but in a different way.

she had a lot of questions about Dad and my db and I were the only link to him she had, and because of my anger at my Dad, I couldn't answer them in an unbiased way, I wanted to tell her he was a lying cunt and that walking away from her was probably the best thing he could have done for her, that she wasshe's better off without him, that I feel guilty for what he did and it's really not fair of me to put that on her when she's dealing with her own stuff. She wishes she had my life, and sometimes I wish I had hers as maybe I wouldn't be hurting so much if Dad fucked off out of my life as a child too.

My stepmum knew about my half sister, dad had a FWB thing with one woman while starting a relationship with stepmum, stepmum had asked my Dad to walk away from his baby as she didn't want to share him, she wanted him to be a Dad to her son and for the three of them to be a family, my Dad agreed and set up a cosy home with his wife. I genuinely think he'd have dumped my brother and I as it became clear after his death she didn't want us around either (there's so many things I could post) but as we lived near his Mum he had to put a bit of effort in and visit us sometimes.

My sister knew about me all her life, her mum told her about us, about her Dad and about why he wasn't in her life and while she knows my Dad lied to me, she feels angry that my Dad was involved in my life and not hers, and as he was coward and pretended she didn't exist, she never got to ask "why?", why wasn't she allowed to have her big sister and big brother in her life. Dad apparently told her Mum that he'd tell us about her and that he'd give us her details once we were old enough to understand so she thought we didn't want anything to do with her like my Dad.

My Dad played the doting husband to his wife, (my stepmum) and the doting father to her son. He wasn't the best Dad to my brother and I after he left my Mum, he's spout off and be all judgey about people sleeping around, about people who out themselves before his children, about men who don't treat their children equally and he was the biggest fucking offender. Sometimes I hate him for the things I've found out, for hurting me, for hurting my brother and for hurting my sister to make his own life easier.

He died suddenly and Everything happened so fast with lots of secrets coming out once he wasn't around to shut his wife up and his brothers and sisters saying they didn't tell us certain things because they didn't want me to be hurt.

Yits your elder Daughter also a secret from the younger one? You haven't mentioned how you explain to her why she can't meet her older sister. Fwiw I don't think it'll be the age gap that prevents them having a relationship, it'll be your choice to keep them apart, both Daughters coukd feel like a dirty secret if the younger one doesn't know. If she does she could be hurt that you don't think she's worthy enough to know her older sister.

Then there's your poor wife. You're taking away her right to choose to forgive your cheating, the longer you leave it the more likely she will be to leave you. The longer you lie, the more damage you will.

I don't think you were weak, I think you were selfish. You chose to have unprotected sex outside of marriage, you chose to go back to her room, men who love their wives would have made their way to own room, you chose not to that, not because the woman had some magical power over you and made you do something you didn't want to, but because you out yourself first, and I dint think you are weak now, I think you dont want your life turned upside down, you don't want to start again on your own, deal with the hurt youve caused and are choosing to deceive your wife and daughters instead.

They will find out, you have the choice for them to find out while you're alive and can answer their questions so that they can at least have some answers, to let your wife make an informed choice about being with a cheating partner, or you can choose to hurt them further and let them all find out about each other after your death and have them all think you never loved them and carry hurt and unanswered questions about with them for the rest of their lives.

You need to tell them. There can be no relationship between your daughters while they don't know about each other. Tell your wife and elder daughter and stop bloody dithering.

ANametoHide your story is exactly what OP needs to hear. Thanks for sharing and I'm sorry for all that trauma you've been put through.

ANametoHide

That is a powerful story and makes sense on so many levels. I was on the fence before, maybe even thinking not to tell anyone. But you are right, it's selfish to everyone, keeping this from all parties.

OP I'm sorry but ANametoHide is right. Best to tell everyone and be open for damage limitations.

BUT I am so happy to have my lovely Polish daughter. I think it must be age. Because I am so old I can appreciate the wonderfulness of a child growing up more than I did with my first daughter.

Or because you don't have to do any of the day to day work in raising the child...

Tell your wife and eldest daughter and deal with the consequences, that's the path you chose when you didn't keep it in your pants.

Seriously, just tell your wife today.
Deal with the fallout from that, support your poor wife. Then tell your daughter. Then whatever is left deal with that, whether you have a marriage or not

Oh for goodness sake OP. You can't bury your head in the sand and hope this goes away.

You have a wife - presumably you've been married for some time? The honourable thing to do, as so many previous posters have said, is to tell her. She deserves your honesty.

Your eldest daughter is also deserving of your honesty. She is an adult so you must treat her as such.

It is not down to you to decide what your wife and eldest daughter are told - if they want a no holds barred discussion then you tell them every little detail.

The sooner you speak to your wife and eldest daughter the sooner you can start to develop a proper relationship with your youngest daughter.

Tell the truth. Living within a web of lies must be exhausting.

Well.....

I told my wife. By text message. Yes I know it's cowardly to do it like that. But I am a coward as some of you have pointed out.

It went badly. She has now left work early and gone to stay with her sister for the weekend.

In the meantime whilst she decides what she is going to do she has:

1. Banned me from telling our English daughter about it
2. Banned me from contacting the Polish mother of my Polish daughter
3. Banned me from sending any more maintenance money - you were right she was wondering what had happened to all of my money
4. Banned me from ever going to Poland, even for work
5. Instructed me to tell my boss by email - whilst she stands over me to make sure that I send it - that I do not want to go to Poland ever again for work reasons

The only thing that she didn't say was that I should never see my Polish daughter again. That would have been too much to bear.

She is considering divorce but is, understandably, too upset to talk to me about it. She is going to discuss it with her sister over the weekend.

I'm totally miserable. And although I though a great burden would be lifted from my shoulders by telling her... it hasn't. I feel worse than ever.

I just cannot believe that my whole life has come crashing down like this all for one stupid stupid shameful mistake.

Are you writing a book Op?