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Original poster

Should I tell my daughter she has a half sister? (title edited by MNHQ)

999 replies

tedrekasta · 05/02/2017 12:00

I have an English daughter aged 32. She has 2 children.

Shamefully, I had an affair 6 years ago with a Polish woman who I met abroad whilst working which (accidentally) resulted in another daughter. She lives in Poland with her mother (and elder Polish half sister).

I have never told my English daughter about her half sister in Poland.

Historically, my English daughter always yearned for a sister and my wife and I regret not having any more children. We are in our 60's. I am 68.

I have to tell terrible lies to both my wife and my English daughter in order to go and visit my daughter in Poland. Which I do about every 2 months.

I miss my Polish daughter, now 5, very much. But I love my English daughter so much and don't want to hurt her. And I love my wife very much and don't want to hurt her.

I just don't know what to do.

Should I tell my English daughter that she has a very young half sister living in Poland?

I am deeply upset and ashamed of myself. But want the best for my wife, my English daughter and my Polish daughter.

I would love any advice. Especially from anyone who has been through such a situation or similar situation.

Thank you for any help.

OP posts:
TeaholicsAnonymous · 05/02/2017 22:30

Yes, but the five year old has never known him in her life. It is his adult daughter's respect that he would lose and she is the one who'd be devastated. For the five year old, life just carries on as she knows it.

Acknowledging her can be done before his death.

NotMyPenguin · 05/02/2017 22:36

No, I think that being acknowledged by your parent is deeply important at any age, and especially at a formative age.

The youngest daughter has also known him for her whole life, and I cannot see how the mistakes of her father make this child any less deserving of love, time, money, respect...

GloriaGaynor · 05/02/2017 22:42

I'd take the truth any day. No matter how hard. I don't understand people at all who would choose ignorance.

And why does your desire to stay in the dark trump your ethics how a father should treat his daughter?

Interested in this thread?

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GloriaGaynor · 05/02/2017 22:43

That was to Teaholics.

GloriaGaynor · 05/02/2017 22:48

No need for a hideous shit storm, disappointing everybody and disillusioning everybody

What could be more disappointing than a father who would behave dishonourably to indulge fairy tales.

People make mistakes. Huge ones. You work through it to a new relationship with a better understanding of who they are, and what the world is like.

TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder · 05/02/2017 22:48

What a mess OP. You really don't have a choice. You have to come clean.

Your family will find out about this, that's just a fact. Definitely they will find out when you die, but there's a good chance they will find out before then. Every single day that passes where you lie to them makes it worse and worse. It would have been hideous to find out that you had got someone pregnant. Even worse to find out that a baby had been born. Worse again to find out about a toddler. Or a six year old. Just imagine how your wife and daughter will feel finding out about a 20 or 30 year old when you are dead!

You sound like you really do love your Polish DD. So don't let her be second best. Poor love. She needs her daddy. Not just some cash and a secret visit every two months. She will grow up to feel like a dirty little secret.

Please also consider the serious harm that you will cause if you let your family find out about this when you're gone. If you tell them now, they might leave you yes. But for their own sakes, they will be able to process what has happened and have chance to come to terms with it somehow (hopefully). If you let them find out when you die, you are denying them the opportunity to ask questions and know the full truth. This will be almost impossible for them to move past. You would be handing them a life sentence.

By keeping the secret, you are saving yourself some pain but magnifying everybody else's tenfold. The damage was done when you slept with somebody who wasn't your wife. All you're doing now is delaying the inevitable.

hesterton · 05/02/2017 22:49

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Waterfeature · 05/02/2017 22:53

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acatcalledjohn · 05/02/2017 23:23

The moment I reached (accidentally) in your post I lost a lot of empathy.

You had sex with another woman whilst married. It resulted in another child. Nothing accidental about sticking your knob in another woman's vagina whilst you are married.

Please develop some balls and a spine and be honest with the woman you made your vows to and the daughter who is the result of that.

And your Polish daughter. She deserves to know.

wundringnow · 05/02/2017 23:43

Sorry OP, you still don't seem to be understanding.

Your wife and daughter WILL FIND OUT because you have named the little girl in your will. There is no scenario in which you can protect them from hurt.

Therefore you need to tell them now, rather than wait till you die.

You posted on Mumsnet for a reason. You must feel very desperate and upset at the dissonance of living two lives. The only way forward is to open up.

If it's too hard for you to say in person, then write a letter and give your wife space to read it and respond.

AliMonkey · 05/02/2017 23:56

I found out when DF died that he had had an affair (with a woman of my age). He had left DM when they were in their 60s supposedly so he could focus more on something else he was involved in. I didn't agree with the reasons at the time but at least it seemed he was doing it for "good" reasons. The affair lasted I think about a year after he left DM and he then got into a new relationship. I knew none of this until he died and found it out from letters and things in his flat.

Not same situation as no child involved but the thing that hurt me the most was the deception and wondering what else he had lied to me about. (DM began to think their whole marriage had been a sham and maybe he had never really loved her.)

I genuinely think he didn't tell me and my DSis because he didn't want to hurt us (including making things awkward if we knew but felt we shouldn't tell DM). With the affair it would also have been guilt (and he is right I would have taken DM's side) but the ongoing deception of a long term relationship that we knew nothing about really hurt.

I can still look back fondly on the times we shared when I was a child but feel most of our adult relationship was a lie. If he had told me whilst still alive I think I would have dealt with it better and after initial hurt about the deception would have worked through it.

I think DF probably planned to tell us about the long term relationship eventually but died before he could. Don't do the same.

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/02/2017 05:30

I understand how bad you feel about yourself. The low self esteem. The sort of parenting you have been subjected to. Your parents are still pulling your strings. You are walking around as a shadow of who you could and still can be. And how you feel about yourself because of your childhood is clouding your judgment.

Be brave. Do what is right for a small, innocent child. If your wife leaves you, if your English daughter refuses to speak to you, your life is NOT over. And this is the absolute worst scenario. I really suggest you find a counsellor to talk this through with so that you have some support when you really need it. Because a bunch of strangers over the Internet are giving you such conflicting advice and it's oh so tempting to listening to those, advocating the cowards way out. What a shame that would be. And by talking to a counsellor/therapist, you will realise how valuable YOU are as a person. You have a lot of very wonderful traits. And that is the lovely person your wife fell in love with despite his pot belly and less than beautiful face. And that's the wonderful daddy you can be to your little girl, who doesn't care about what you look like. Just who you are.

Fadingmemory · 06/02/2017 06:01

You are in a horrible situation of your own making. You acknowledge that you are a coward. Both of these are choices. The first is irrevocable, the second not so. You can choose to stop being a coward. If you confess, your English family's actions may devastate you (they may leave you, declare hatred for you etc.) Devastation there will be whatever happens - you should own up and take the consequences. To contemplate not doing so and, after your death, to condemn your English family to coping with that, plus the knowledge of an affair (a week of ego boost and shagging), and the existence of an unknown step daughter for your wife and step sister for your English daughter is beyond cowardly. They do not deserve that one iota. Welcome to the ranks of men who are led by flattery and their penises. One can sometimes feel sympathy for people who make wrong choices but your cowardice (in your case, all about you under the guise of saying your English family might not want to know) beggars belief.

dowhatnow · 06/02/2017 08:15

If you'd confessed as soon as you'd found she was pregnant then your wife may have forgiven you, given the circumstances. The longer this lie continues, the harder it is to forgive. As pp have said it is the lies and deceit that have gone on for 5 years, that is far worse than the actual infidelity itself. Your wife would have to be a saint to forgive that. Slightly less so your dd, but I expect that support for her mother will get the same result.

So should you confess? It is up to you whether you can live this life and live with the guilt of knowing the shitstorm and devastation that will follow your funeral. Or do the right thing.

How will you get over there and finance everything once you are retired anyway?

Jaynebxl · 06/02/2017 09:25

Though I feel confused. Some of you suggest telling my wife and daughter. And some suggest not telling them and living with the terrible guilt.

But if you don't tell them and live with the guilt you're not saving them pain because they WILL find out when you die and not have you there to explain, reassure and talk to them. So the only person you're saving from pain by not telling them is yourself.

SuffolkingGrand · 06/02/2017 09:32

Your title is a bit confusing. Think you need to change "step daughter" to "step sister". Surely she'd know if she had a step daughter, no?

Jaynebxl · 06/02/2017 10:31

Half sister not step sister.

NarkyMcDinkyChops · 06/02/2017 10:42

His wife has a step daughter. His daughters have a half sister (one of them has 2). Nobody has a step sister.

Original poster
tedrekasta · 06/02/2017 11:04

Thanks again everyone. I have reread all of the comments.

For a bit of contrast I did tell my closest friend. His view is that the only person who matters in all of this is the 5 year old in Poland. On the grounds that she is a child and needs a father. I expect not everyone would agree with that view.

But I am inclined to believe that she is the one who I should make the most effort for.

OP posts:
Original poster
tedrekasta · 06/02/2017 11:07

You are right. I should change the title to 'half sister'.

I have no idea how to do that. Can a moderator please change it for me?

Thanks

OP posts:
wundringnow · 06/02/2017 11:30

The only person that matters?? Why don't your wife and daughter matter? I honestly don't understand.

Why did you post here asking for advice? What were you hoping to hear?

Jaynebxl · 06/02/2017 11:33

Yes that ridiculous that she's the only person that matters. To be frank OP I think that whatever people say you are persistently looking for reasons not to tell your wife and daughter.

NarkyMcDinkyChops · 06/02/2017 11:37

She's not the only person that matters but she is important. She's only 5, everyone else is an adult. Protecting her relationship with her father and her maintenance should be more important than anything else.
Doesn't make the other people unimportant in any way.

GatoradeMeBitch · 06/02/2017 12:00

Be kind to your loved ones and let them deal with this while you're alive. They'll probably be angry - you cheated. But if you leave it and let them deal with that shock after you die, you will smash the picture they have of you and you won't give them the opportunity to work through their feelings, including forgiveness. Throughout the rest of their lives they'll think of you as a cheat and a liar and a coward and it will be hard for them to remember the positives because it will all feel like a lie. If you face up to it now, you can all potentially come through the other side of it. It also opens the door for a possible future relationship between siblings. Be an adult about this.

GatoradeMeBitch · 06/02/2017 12:04

But I am inclined to believe that she is the one who I should make the most effort for.

You're partly feeling that way because you haven't yet tainted your relationship with her. She's just a happy little girl who enjoys seeing you, it's simple.

If you get all of this out in the open, you can spend more than 12 afternoons a year with her. When she gets older she'll probably want to visit you in the UK for holidays - how will you handle that? Presumably you won't tell her she's a dirty little secret that has to stay in Poland?