Should I tell my daughter she has a half sister? (title edited by MNHQ)

[tedrekasta]

I have an English daughter aged 32. She has 2 children.

Shamefully, I had an affair 6 years ago with a Polish woman who I met abroad whilst working which (accidentally) resulted in another daughter. She lives in Poland with her mother (and elder Polish half sister).

I have never told my English daughter about her half sister in Poland.

Historically, my English daughter always yearned for a sister and my wife and I regret not having any more children. We are in our 60's. I am 68.

I have to tell terrible lies to both my wife and my English daughter in order to go and visit my daughter in Poland. Which I do about every 2 months.

I miss my Polish daughter, now 5, very much. But I love my English daughter so much and don't want to hurt her. And I love my wife very much and don't want to hurt her.

I just don't know what to do.

Should I tell my English daughter that she has a very young half sister living in Poland?

I am deeply upset and ashamed of myself. But want the best for my wife, my English daughter and my Polish daughter.

I would love any advice. Especially from anyone who has been through such a situation or similar situation.

Thank you for any help.

Ted, I read this thread when you first started posting and have recently returned to it. I am glad that you are taking steps to reduce your drinking, did you ever get as far as talking to your GP about support while your mood is so low?

However, the overwhelming impression this thread gives is of someone trying to remove a sticking plaster very, very slowly in the hope that it won't hurt. Only it does hurt and it hurts for much, much longer than just ripping off the plaster. While you are picking around the edges of your situation, nobody is able to start healing and moving forwards with their lives. I suspect that the Polish woman may have decided to cut contact with you precisely because she needed to draw a line under it all and move on with her and her DD's life - which was hard to do while dealing with all the shit you and your wife have put her through.

Honestly, I think you need to tell your eldest DD about her sister. I find it almost incomprehensible that she doesn't have any sort of inkling that her parents are keeping secrets from her. You've lost weight, started drinking and are clearly very low, your wife is depressed. upset and angry. Surely your adult DD is picking up on these vibes and probably scaring herself silly imagining different scenarios.

You are treating her like (at best) a child or (at worst) an idiot. It is disrespectful and manipulative to force her to have a relationship with you that is built on lies about who you are. Be honest and let a new relationship develop out of the honesty - it will be different but you won't need to live in fear of being discovered anymore.

All of this seems to centre about keeping your wife happy by letting her be in control. Do you REALLY think she will stand by you forever?

And do you really believe she is sending the emails to the correct address?

Like you say, they'll all find out from your will anyway. You are dragging this out for years and years and years.

And I suspect the reason your wife doesn't want you to tell your daughter is because she knows your daughter will want a relationship with her little sister !

I don't know if I should post this as it's a a very different situation, but I am the the half-sibling that is a dirty secret and want to give that point of view.

I was adopted as a baby and both biological parents went on to have other children. So I have a half brother and two half sisters who do not know about me. I respect my biological parents' wishes to not share their past mistakes with their current families, and have not contacted their children although it would be easy to do so as I found two of them on Facebook. I would so love to know them. It's horrible to feel that people are ashamed of your very existence. It hurts me every day and I am 42 now.

Neither of your daughters are at fault in this situation. They both have a right to know of each other's existence. Your elder daughter may find out one day and how will she feel that you kept it from her?

AA have a saying about "our secrets keep us sick". The cognitive dissonance is obviously destroying you.

i think it's best to completely honest with your children or the trust is gone.
Also it makes your other daughter a dirty little secret whose existence hasn't been acknowledged. She deserves better than that.

Ted. I am the Half sister of 3 children, 18, 24 & 29 years age difference between us. Whilst they were not kept secret they are from a woman my dad had an affair with which ripped our family/ life apart. I did try to make an effort with the youngest and was part of his life for about 6 years. I saw the 2nd once when he was two weeks old and the youngest I have never met (now 6).

The OW was always jealous of my dads previous life and eventually made things so difficult that I went NC with my father. Mainly because he was so weak and went along with her attempts to phase me and DB out of their lives. I loved my little brother but resented him for not looking out for his other 2 children.

Anyway, after about 6 years I was back in touch with my father (phone only). I desperately missed/ miss him but I have no interest in the children. It sounds harsh but I don't live anywhere near them and the age difference is so huge. I know they are innocent and I feel bad for the oldest as I know he'll remember me and probably wonder why I disappeared. I don't feel like I'm missing out and don't really think of them . People have tried to guilt me into making an effort but i can't bring myself to take that step to arrive back into their life now so I just ignore it and carry on with my life, but I don't feel I'm missing out. That said if they reached out to me I would speak to them or meet them if they wanted that.

My dad is also a drinker and often tells me he regrets everything. I hate this, I wish he would stop drinking, what's done is done. The drinking is worse than the affair in my eyes because he's slowly killing himself which is utterly utterly selfish especially for little ones who will be left without a dad at such a young age.

I think your making a big deal about your daughter needing to know. If you do tell her don't try to force any relationship it's up to her, she may not want to. Think how your wife would feel too. Being weak and not taking action will not help anyone either. And please please stop drinking, I'm sure your family are hurting enough without having to deal with an alcoholic.

"If it all blows up sell the house take your pension and go and live in Poland."

I think that was his intention all along. He comes across on this thread as a highly manipulating. He's being leading a double life for years, lying to everyone around him, demonstrating that he cares about no one but himself.

I hope his wife is protecting herself.

Thank you again all of you for your time and effort in helping me.

Wow. Where to start.

BigDeskBob:
Yes, I have been lying for years. Not exactly leading a double life but kind of I suppose. And I hate it. But I do care about everyone else involved, which is why I am so impotent. Any decision will hurt someone terribly. I couldn't just sell the house. I think my wife would stop that!

KathyBates:
Thank you.

Your story hit me quite hard.

In my head my drinking has done two things. It let's me escape from the awful awful thing I have done. And it's a subliminal way of hoping that I die sooner rather than later. Not suicide. But speeding along my death. Which as you quite rightly say is selfish. But I really cannot cope with my life. My head is full of what a terrible person I am and how I have hurt everyone and cannot sort the mess out.

I haven't had a drink now for 5 days. But I am not cured. I know I shall return to the bottle. And a large part of it is knowing that I don't have the strength of character to do the right thing.

I was very interested in your feelings for your father and half siblings. It cheered me up to see that you still had feeling for your father. I thought that my English daughter would never want to speak to me again. And I totally understand that with the big age difference it's difficult to feel anything for your half siblings. Which is what I suspect will be the case if I tell my English daughter. They are so far apart in age and geography that I cannot imagine any form of relationship forming.

Though maybe someone on this forum has a different view on that, perhaps from personal experience?

notapizzaeater:
Thanks. And it's 5 days now. Yes I was very depressed in my late teens and early twenties and they sent me to a special centre to have counselling in a group lifestyle environment. But I found it very difficult and left after a few days. But I am going to get some more counselling. As you can see from above it has had an impact that still haunts me.

mydietstartsmonday:
I am not that man. I couldn't do that. I am a million times too cowardly. And I don't want to cause my wife any more pain. You make a good point though about ruining my Polish daughter's life. The thing is that I have so much self doubt these days that I wonder if me being in her life would be a good thing or a bad thing. And anyway I suspect the PM doesn't want any contact ever.

indigox:
I worry that I have already destroyed the relationship with my Polish daughter. And yes you are right that is awful. And looking at it through my Polish daughter's eyes is too dreadful to think about.

PerspicaciaTick:
The sticking plaster is a good metaphor. And I think you fairly accurately describe my failings. (you probably missed quite a few out though)

I've been avoiding my English daughter. In fact I have hardly seen her during the past few months. I think she thinks that is odd. But I do phone her every day and tell her that I love her.

There is something wrong with me in that I have problems with relationships. And so I come across as indifferent. Which I am not. But I do love just being alone and not dealing with life. Just sitting by myself reading a book or day dreaming. I would love to think that by being honest with her a new relationship will develop. But I honestly think, knowing her, that the most likely result is that she will not want to meet me again. I hated my father because he was so cruel to me when I was a child. I never visited him or spoke to him for years. And even when he was dying of cancer I wouldn't visit him or speak to him. So I worry that my English daughter will react in the same way.

debbs77:
I think yes my wife will stand by me, provided I do as she says. And yes I am sure she is sending the emails to the correct address because the way it works is that I type up the email. She then reads through it and then presses the send button. So she cannot change the address. Though she does ask me to edit out some sentences which she deems to be overly friendly to the PM.

You say:
And I suspect the reason your wife doesn't want you to tell your daughter is because she knows your daughter will want a relationship with her little sister !

But as another poster said. She didn't want a relationship with her much younger half siblings. I tend to think that will be the case with my English daughter.

muminboots:
You said: I would so love to know them. It's horrible to feel that people are ashamed of your very existence. It hurts me every day and I am 42 now.

That really is a hearbreaking story. I feel so confused. You say that you would love to know your half siblings. But someone else says that they are not interested in their half siblings. I don't know which way to turn on this.

You also said: "our secrets keep us sick". I am sure that is true. I feel so desperate to tell. And so afraid to tell.

IrritatedUser1960:
Yes, I don't want to think of her as a DLS. But quite a few of you have said that. So perhaps that is how everyone sees me.

Thanks again everyone. Lots of food for thought. Some of you would make excellent counsellors by the way! Thanks. Take care.

I posted mid-thread, I discovered at 17 that I had a half-sister six years younger than me, and four years younger than my younger sister, and my DF was kind of living a double life for years(though I think he only made very occasional, not regular visits to his other DD.)

I was so hurt on behalf of my mum and upset with my dad, it never ever occurred to me to go and try to establish any kind of acquaintance or relationship with that sister, I didn't even want to know what her name was(though I was told). 20+ years on I'm not judgemental of my dad any more, I know shit happens in life but I still have no interest in the half-sister whatsoever, and neither does my sister. And we were from the same city with a smallish age gap!

However having emigrated my DF went to have another DD when I was 23 and had DC myself. Actually his DD4 is exactly one month younger than my DD. I wasn't interested in her as a DSis when she was younger, I had my own to bring up the same age and it would have been ridiculous, plus she is in another country. However I'm friends with her DM who was my DF's partner for a while and who I stayed with for a month once. Anyway, if now that DhalfSis, who is a teenager, wanted to get in touch I wouldn't mind at all. Though we have different first languages. Just the circumstances of her birth were so different, they didn't really hurt anyone.

If the first half-sister got in touch and wanted to become friends or whatever, I'd feel uncomfortable and forced. I have no interest at all in being friends with her, just because we share DNA.

So realistically I cannot see your English daughter going OMG I always wanted a sibling(the same age as my own DC ), how exciting! Also I cannot say that secrets are always bad.

One of my best friend's DH, when she was pregnant with their DC3, blurted out that he once had a drunken one-night stand with somebody when they were already together. She was devastated and crushed, she just emigrated to his country to be with him(they met in her country), was a SAHM, not in a position to leave if she wanted but basically she did love him and wouldn't want to leave, and she couldn't believe he told her, she kept telling me, why did he feel the need to tell me? to relieve his
conscience probably, having dumped the load on her. She would have much preferred to never know, and she never could fully forgive him, not so much for what he did, but for telling her!

In your case ted the only unpleasant moment for the daughter would be discovering at your death, even from a materialistic point of view if she is relying on all of the inheritance and then finding out she'd have to share. So I'd either set up some kind of separate fund now which doesn't need to be announced to DD1 at your death, or you could leave it to your wife to tell you DD1 that she knew but forbade you from telling her. Or if your wife dies first you are free to tell your DD, but I wouldn't expect her to want to have anything to do with a half-sister which is similar age to your DGC, due to the circumstances of her birth.

I could go on and on about bad things my dad has done, if he'd dealt with things differently things would be different. Even when I was NC with him I still loved him and missed him, I was just too angry and emotional to speak to him knowing he didn't have the bottle to do the right thing.

My ExP also cheated on my and got OW pregnant but wanted to stay with me. Initially I agreed as long as he had nothing to do with baby apart from financial support. After I was over my anger I realised the child was innocent and that I had given him a difficult dilemma, I didn't want to be the reason a child didn't see their father so I left him.

Respect your wife's wishes and don't tell your English daughter yet, 5 years has already passed so a little while longer won't hurt. You may find your wife also realises it's not the PD's fault and mellows, he may even want to confide in the daughter later for support herself. My own mother even asks about my dads children now and is genuinely interested in how they are getting on.

Sorry I've made this about me but I just wanted you to see that even in terrible situations it's not bad forever. Just don't bury your head in the sand and turn to alcohol because that only makes things worse.

I find this thread so frustrating......honestly OP you aren't even going to do anything are you? You already say you know you'll drink again. You don't take any steps to DO anything to move this situation along. You're hoping by drinking that you'll die early and THEN they will all find out the truth but hey! You're not here to bloody deal with it!!!!!

Nodowntime

Thanks. That's a really helpful post. A close friend asked me why I would want to tell my English daughter. He couldn't see any advantages for her. And likewise was sure she wouldn't want a relationship with her new (ish) half sister. You validate that opinion.

And you are also right in that I am keen to tell her to somehow get something off my chest. Because the whole thing is eating me up. Which I know is a bad reason. But it's true. Regarding my death. I have already made arrangements for my Polish daughter to get a lump sum of money - not a huge amount.

I found your post wonderful because you were so open and honest about your feelings for everyone involved. Thank you!

KathyBates. Again thank you for such an honest and illuminating post. Especially as you mirror my situation.

And you gave me hope when you said ' I just wanted you to see that even in terrible situations it's not bad forever'.

You made me realise that one thing I have forgotten in all of my depression is that humans can and often do, display unbelievable kindness and understanding.

You reinforced my emotional response which is to stay with my wife and agree to her conditions. Thanks for that.

debbs77. As I said at the beginning I am not exactly action man. More like feeble man. And yes you are right I find doing things difficult. It takes me days to buy a kettle let alone sort out something like this. I am a born ditherer as my father pointed out between beatings.

But you say I don't take any steps. That's not true. I told my wife. That was a HUGE step.( I don't know if you have read the whole thread?).

But what steps do you mean? What do you think I should do? It's easy for you to say that I don't take steps but then when it comes down to it do you have an opinion on what steps I should take? OR did you just want to make me feel even more cr*p about myself than I already do?

"It takes me days to buy a kettle let alone sort out something like this."

How long did it take you to decide to sleep with someone else, once she was pregnant, how long did it take you to decide to keep it a secret from your wife?

I think you are perfectly capable of making decisions, you just don't like any of your current options.

Your wife is abusing her position now by controlling, or trying to control, everything. She is punishing you, but she doesn't "own" you.

You've made a huge mistake but she needs to put up or shut up IMO.

Your adult daughter must have an idea that all is not right between her parents. If I were you I would show her this thread. She has a right to know and your wife whilst understandably hurt, is just punishing you and using control.

BifDeskBob. I never slept with her after she was pregnant. Perhaps you haven't had time to read the whole thread?

I didn't decide to keep it a secret from my wife. I just didn't decide.

Not sure where all of your aggression is coming from. Can you please explain as you clearly have an issue with me?

BonApp

Thanks. I suppose the truth is that I feel too guilty to take that line with my wife. And I do love her. And I do feel that she has suffered enough.

I should never have done what I did. I suppose it was ego, I was flattered and stupid. And my wife and I never have sex . Though to be honest I am not really interested in sex. But anyway it happened. I still don't really understand why I did such a stupid and selfish thing. I feel so ashamed of myself.

Crispbutty. I know my wife is hurt. And in the circumstances I can understand her response.

Also, she has always been controlling so I am used to it and in a way it's comforting. It takes responsibility away from me. Which I like. I hate having to make decisions or be responsible for anything. Also. to be fair to my wife I deserve to be punished. I behaved appallingly .

I'm not being aggressive, I'm just not buying your 'poor old me' line. You have managed to keep your child a secret for years, which takes planning and deception. There must have been many times over the years when you had to think on your feet to maintain the lies. I think you thought you could continue the lie forever, and are now upset that you have been caught.

And I never said you continued to sleep with her, perhaps you should read my post?

I didn't decide to keep it a secret from my wife. I just didn't decide.

Yes you did. You had a choice to tell or not tell. And you made the choice not to tell. That's a decision.

I agree with BifDeskBob and don't think they are being aggressive. Perhaps you just don't like being caught out on your 'poor me' façade.

You did decide to sleep with a stranger. You did decide not to use contraceptives. You did decide to keep this a secret from your wife.

So don't say you can't make decisions. The only decisions you have a problem with are the ones that hurt you, not others.

This is why you won't risk your marriage. That doesn't suit you. You don't mind hurting others as long as you keep your home comforts.

Ha x posts BigDeskBob.

Exactly.

Bigbobdesk

I didn't get caught. I told my wife. I suppose it's a long thread so perhaps you haven't had the will or time to read it. Don't blame you!

You only told your wife after much urging on this thread. You were very, very resistant to coming clean with her. And you are still resisting telling your daughter.

I've never said anything other than it was a stupid mistake. Which it was. And whilst I am in large part to blame because of my vanity, the Polish mother did come on to me a lot. And so ugly fat old me fell for it.

I shall never understand why she wanted me? But that's life. Weird.

Fairenuff. I disagree. Deciding to tell is one thing. Doing nothing - which is what I did - is another. I didn't decide anything I was too frightened . So I just did nothing.