Should I tell my daughter she has a half sister? (title edited by MNHQ)

[tedrekasta]

I have an English daughter aged 32. She has 2 children.

Shamefully, I had an affair 6 years ago with a Polish woman who I met abroad whilst working which (accidentally) resulted in another daughter. She lives in Poland with her mother (and elder Polish half sister).

I have never told my English daughter about her half sister in Poland.

Historically, my English daughter always yearned for a sister and my wife and I regret not having any more children. We are in our 60's. I am 68.

I have to tell terrible lies to both my wife and my English daughter in order to go and visit my daughter in Poland. Which I do about every 2 months.

I miss my Polish daughter, now 5, very much. But I love my English daughter so much and don't want to hurt her. And I love my wife very much and don't want to hurt her.

I just don't know what to do.

Should I tell my English daughter that she has a very young half sister living in Poland?

I am deeply upset and ashamed of myself. But want the best for my wife, my English daughter and my Polish daughter.

I would love any advice. Especially from anyone who has been through such a situation or similar situation.

Thank you for any help.

I have no experience with anything as complicated as this, but my instincts run counter to most people on this thread. I think your primary moral obligation is to your wife (who has shared an entire life with you) and your English daughter. The five-day affair was nothing much more than a one-night stand. Is it worth destroying your wife's happiness over? Or losing your relationship with the daughter you've brought up from childhood? Perhaps if you had been the woman and not the man you would have had an abortion?

You absolutely have an obligation to support your Polish daughter but I am not so convinced as others that seeing a "daddy" figure for a couple of days every two months will be on balance a good thing for her, especially if there is conflict with her mother and (I imagine?) a serious language barrier.

I know two adult women who are the product of one-night stands and never saw their fathers as children. It's shit, but both have good relationships with their mother's subsequent partners / husbands. The really fucked up women I know are ones whose fathers were very occasional visitors in their lives -- or physically present but emotionally awol because of alcoholism etc. It's this part-time parenting that leads to low self-esteem, I think ("why doesn't daddy love me enough to stick around?").

So, in a fairly hideous situation, I would suggest that you don't tell your wife or adult daughter, that you stop visiting the Polish daughter (I know this will be very painful for you but think you will have to suck it up) and that you don't explicitly name her in your will. At the same time I would see a lawyer discreetly and arrange a financial settlement for her and her mother (ideally to pay upfront what you are planning to give in the will).

Extremely sorry: my phone didn't scroll down properly and I missed the end of this thread. Ignore my advice. Though, sadly, I still think you'd have been better following it...

I haven't read the whole thread so I apologise if the question has been answered but what happens when you retire? How will you be able to visit Poland to see your daughter so easily if your wife doesn't know about her?

Oops sorry just read the last couple of comments

Thank you all of you taking the time to help me.

Barees. Yes I do understand that my Polish daughter should be my priority. But for all sorts of reasons I find it difficult to act on my instincts. I am ashamed to say a lot of it is pure cowardice. Feeling frightened of being old and alone if I leave my wife and if my English daughter abandons me. Drinking is going moderately badly. Am on a bottle of wine a day at the moment. Which also makes me feel sh*t every morning and which also means I can't drive which causes other problems...... Haven't driven for weeks. I should add that it simply wouldn't be possible for me to live in the same house as the Polish mother or have any form of relationship with her. She more or less scares me to death. So any arrangement would have to be some form of me finding a place to live by myself near to the Polish mother. Then visiting my daughter after school every evening and putting up with the harsh looks from the mother. Then hopefully seeing her all day on Saturday and Sunday. All of this will not be cheap. And it means making the mega decision to leave my wife. I think I am too cowardly to do that. And to upset my English daughter. Again I am too cowardly.

Hopsalong. Thank you for that. But I HAVE told my wife. I haven't told my English daughter. My wife doesn't want me to tell her. You also make some very good points. It was indeed the equivalent of a one night stand. Though now that I have had the second DNA test I am more convinced than ever that the Polish mother is honest and has not been devious. Though I never really believed her to be anything other than honest.

ColourfulOrangeX Likewise I have told my wife. She does know about my Polish daughter.

Hopsalong. A friend who taught psychology said to me that it isn't certain that me being an occasional visitor to my daughter would help her in life. On the other hand a woman with experience of her father leaving her when she was very young said she would have cherished a visit just once a year to know that he cared and loved her. But he never did...

As the Americans say, 'I feel conflicted'. Both in my own emotions and from the polarised advice I am getting on this forum. The good thing though is that the different advice does help me shape my own thoughts. Though acting on my thoughts is a whole different matter.

Thanks again for helping me all of you.

Stay off the wine op.

Stop drinking. This should be your top priority.

Believe me I try every day. I guess I am officially an alcoholic. I should see my doctor. Not sure what they can do to help.

And I do need counselling. I can see that.

Ted if you can't stop your drinking, then please go to AA. You aren't going to be able to straighten out this mess until you straighten out yourself.

Yes Ted I think the first thing is self-care. You can't make decisions that affect others if you aren't yet able to even look after yourself.

Call AA. Go to your GP. And definitely book a counsellor.

You need to talk to a professional who can help you

Thanks AcrossthePond55 and Veterinari.

I have tried AA. It seemed a decent outfit but not quite for me. But yes to the counselling.

I desperately want to tell my English daughter. I hate myself for not telling her.

But she can be quite judgemental. And a close (male friend) said to me 'what will it achieve'. And the answer is that I don't know.

Any suggestions??

I don't especially want to share this but perhaps it helps give some context. As I mentioned my father used to beat me up a lot. And I do mean a lot. And often belted me until I bled. This went on for years. Roughly from 3 (my first memory!) until I was 17.

The result is that I always feel frightened. And can never stand up to people. I just panic when someone has a go at me. So I cannot deal with the Polish mother at all. She is very strong and forthright. But she expects me to fight back. But I never do............ She frightens me which makes meeting my daughter very difficult for me. I just feel totally miserable when the mother is around.

And I can't stand up to my wife either. I find it more difficult to explain. But I think she is a good woman and I have caused her tremendous hurt. So I feel on the back foot. As if I must appease her.

So between the two of them I feel totally crushed.

And I can't remotely see a solution.

Look - if you care about these daughter's of yours just tell them. Tell your English daughter and tell her the truth.

Your wife wants to be your wife in name only, these are horror stories when I have read this post.

Just tell them the truth stop hiding behind your wife, behind the drink and just be honest. Yes she may or may not be understanding but at the end of the day. It's quite obvious your secrets are eating you up.

Please Ted, see a counsellor. You need some time to deal with your own traumas. A counsellor can help with that

Ted whilst I feel for your wife as an innocent bystander in all this, this is not her situation to control.

Personally I think you need to tell your English daughter. I would hedge a bet that she will be initally outraged but will come round eventually.

As for the polish mother, I think you just need to explain that you intend to be a part of your daughter's life and will not back down.

Stop the drinking. You don't need it.

I read your post before and I meant to answer and their are elements of your personality I share (because if a violent parent )
I don't see you as not worthy nor that whatever you had to share doesn't show you as human I would talk to your daughter.
My son is my eldest, his father was economical with the truth and never shared his existence with his three daughter (born afterward) he was a coward until his hand was forced.... sadly his mother died and my son had a good relationship with her. They all 'run into' each other at the funeral. My son was devestated.

He has tried to blame me, the wife he forgotten to mention, everything except say 'sorry and j ballsed up' which is all I need . He still sees his but intermittently (yearly at a push)

I feel sorry for him but your not even giving your daughter the chance in the sane way his daughters are denied,,,,, lots of questions. You can do this, use that anger than burns down by being bulling by those you love to cast out year fear and have quality seperate time with your daughter.

I will be back to get an update :)

She thinks it is ridiculous that I must only communicate with her via my wife and that my wife is controlling the maintenance payments.

Because it is.

You can't be a decent husband or father to anyone unless you get your drinking under control.

Ted AA may not be for you (it wasn't for my brother), but it is a place to start. A place to go when you get the craving.

This is the organization my brother found that has helped him in his sobriety. It appears to not be as widespread in the UK, but hopefully you'll be able to find some support;

lifering.org/international-websites/lifering-uk/

She thinks it is ridiculous that I must only communicate with her via my wife and that my wife is controlling the maintenance payments.

She's right Ted.

Sadly, and selfishly, you have caused a lot of pain to a lot of people.

It sounds like this is the end now though. Your Polish daughter will grow up without you and her mother will move on with her life.

Your wife will probably never recover from this and is just trying to protect her daughter.

I feel sorry for all of them. What a mess.

Thank you again all of you for taking the time to comment - I do appreciate it, even the not so positive.

Drinking. I haven't had a drink for 4 days. I've found it very difficult and I am sure I shall relapse in the future. But it's a start.

Telling my English daughter. I desperately want to. But I feel that I have wrecked so many lives already and feel so ashamed. Also, I honestly think my wife would leave me. Which I am very afraid of.

Polish mother. Via my wife, as agreed, I have sent several emails asking her to at least take the maintenance payments and to get in touch so we can talk things through. She has not replied to any of them. I also -behind my wife's back - sent a text message. Again no response. I don't want to lie to my wife anymore, so I hate myself for sending messages that she doesn't know about.

Redken24.
You are right the secrets are eating me up. But I am so frightened of my wife divorcing me and my English daughter not wanting to have anything to do with me.

wannabestressfree
I like your nickname. I certainly want to be stressfree :)
But what a sad story you told. I would hate that to happen. Though I suspect that my Polish daughter will not know anything about me from her mother and hence will not be at my funeral. Though they will all find out about each other when my will is read.

indigox
I disagree with you. It isn't so simple. I cannot simply demand that my wife lets me have private conversations with another woman. No wife would like that. So I do understand my wife's viewpoint on this. And I can't see that it makes much difference to the outcome. After all, I am trying to persuade the Polish mother to take maintenance payments - which would be the same if I was sending the emails directly myself. As for the actual paying of the money then again it's the same. Money is money. If the money comes from me or from my wife it's exactly the same. I cannot understand why the Polish mother is not happy with these arrangements. And at least it let's my wife feel that she has some control over the communications between me and the Polish mother. My wife is worried that I may develop a relationship with her and hence by controlling the communications she can make sure that doesn't happen. Which seems reasonable?

Veterinari
Thanks I shall. And I am seeing my doctor again in a week's time.

Bonapp. Thanks. Sadly I would love to drink. Lots and lots. But as I say I have been dry for 4 days. I am sure I am still an alcoholic at heart though. As for telling the Polish mother that I want to be part of my Polish daughters life I did include words to that effect in an email - sent by my wife. But I dare not say anything about 'not backing down'. It seems too hard . I couldn't say that.

Acrossthepond55. Thanks for the link very kind and helpful of you.

Thehodgeofthehedge. True. Though I am a failure at being a husband and a father even without drink!

Fairenuff.
Precisely. I have caused a great deal of hurt and I hate myself for it. And I worry that you are right. I shall never meet my Polish daughter again.

Finally, my wife is very upset and depressed about the whole thing. She just wants it all to go away. And I don't want to make her even more unhappy.

It seems that the only thing I am good at is making everyone unhappy.

I'm glad you haven't had a drink for 4 days.

Have you ever accessed counselling for your childhood. It would be good to talk about this and the impact it's having on you now

I just want to shake you. You have two daughters, life is too short not to be in touch with either of them. Grow a back bone and your wife might have some respect for you. Tell your wife to fuck off and you will see your younger daughter and tell your older daughter.
You couldn't possible feel worse than you do now. If it all blows up sell the house take your pension and go and live in Poland. You cheated, you have a daughter, deal with it.

Btw very sad about your childhood, you can't do anything about that so make sure you don't ruin the little ones childhood.

I disagree with you. It isn't so simple. I cannot simply demand that my wife lets me have private conversations with another woman.

She's not just "another woman" though, she's the mother of your child. If a woman posted here saying "My husband had an affair which resulted in a child, now all contact re. the child has to go through me" they'd be rightly eaten alive. You can let your wife control anything she wants but she's never going to recover from this, so it's not going to make a damn bit of difference as far as she's concerned, however if you carry on this way trying to appease her you're going to end up destroying the relationship with your daughter as well, for what? Remaining in a marriage just so you don't end up alone?

Have you looked at this situation through your daughter's eyes? When she's growing up and people are asking her where her daddy is? "Well he used to visit but he stopped because he cared about his wife saving face than being in my life".