Should I tell my daughter she has a half sister? (title edited by MNHQ)

[tedrekasta]

I have an English daughter aged 32. She has 2 children.

Shamefully, I had an affair 6 years ago with a Polish woman who I met abroad whilst working which (accidentally) resulted in another daughter. She lives in Poland with her mother (and elder Polish half sister).

I have never told my English daughter about her half sister in Poland.

Historically, my English daughter always yearned for a sister and my wife and I regret not having any more children. We are in our 60's. I am 68.

I have to tell terrible lies to both my wife and my English daughter in order to go and visit my daughter in Poland. Which I do about every 2 months.

I miss my Polish daughter, now 5, very much. But I love my English daughter so much and don't want to hurt her. And I love my wife very much and don't want to hurt her.

I just don't know what to do.

Should I tell my English daughter that she has a very young half sister living in Poland?

I am deeply upset and ashamed of myself. But want the best for my wife, my English daughter and my Polish daughter.

I would love any advice. Especially from anyone who has been through such a situation or similar situation.

Thank you for any help.

As someone else suggested she probably finds it humiliating to have to carry out all communications via my wife. And the Polish mother is a proud woman.

Also, I am guessing here, she probably finds it 'unmanly' of me not to be strong enough to stand up to my wife and demand that I visit and carry on paying the same level of maintenance. She is very conscious of 'men being men'. And I have failed that test in her eyes for years.

Finally, she has always been ultra sensitive about what she perceives as favouritism towards my English daughter over and above my Polish daughter. That is possibly true. Though it is partly due to convenience of distance etc. And partly due to having had a 'normal' family with my English daughter and she lived with us for all of her life until she went to uni and we saw her every day.

Perhaps she feels betrayed by me. And perhaps it was the final straw. I don't know. I am just guessing.

I'm not sure that the little's girl's mother saying she no longer wants the money confirms that Ted is definitely the father at all. It could just as easily point to her realising that he's not going to just blithely pay up and that she should cut contact now before he demands a full DNA test and potentially asks for years of maintenance back.

Ted, didn't you say the test you'd had done so far isn't a full DNA, something along the lines of just proving the same blood group or something? Apologies if I've misunderstood, but wasn't there some reason why the result provided by the Polish mother is in doubt?

Mediation sounds like a very good idea. Perhaps in the event of confirmation that she is actually your daughter they can also talk you through what you can expect in terms of establishing a more formal relationship acceptable to all sides.

Thanks AT

Yes already had a DNA test.

But it has been suggested to me that I should get another done in the UK if the mother and child agrees. Though I am 99% sure she is my daughter.

Yes I think step one is mediation. Perhaps a third party talking to her will help bring out what the issues are.

I cannot easily ask because my wife is vetting all contact with the Polish mother.

But I did hint at trying to find out what is wrong.

But zero reply. So I don't know what to do now.

My SIL has a half sister about 15 years younger than her. She only found out when the sister was around 8-10 I think. They met a few times and then naturally drifted apart, but my SIL quite likes the fact her little step-sister exists and they exchange birthday and Christmas cards and gifts etc. When SIL had her first baby, her little step sister loved it just she was an auntie to the newborn.

I can understands them liking the connection even though they don't feature in each other's everyday life. I think I'd feel the same. If I had a secret half sister out there I'd be devastated to find out in a will. I'd feel robbed of the choice to have contact myself, whether I took that opportunity or not.

I suspect it's like any sibling combination though. There will be no guarantee they hit it off or they don't. The point is you give people that choice.

I think your wife needs to know she's severely short-changing your older daughter, and is making a selfish choice she shouldn't.

She wants to drop you completely, including any maintenance, as soon as you mention a DNA test - you are not the father! You're kidding yourself if you think this is about suddenly getting a boyfriend (people don't tell their kid's father to stop paying maintenance just because they have a new boyfriend, and what makes you think she hasn't had boyfriends until now?). Your suspicion about it being that she's ditched you for not being 'manly' enough is laughable too. She didn't want you because you were manly. You describe yourself as an ugly, weak old man, you being 'unmanly' is not going to make her stop taking hundreds of pounds off you.

The question has been asked why she chose you to have sex with. I wonder if she didn't specifically choose you. Perhaps she had sex with as many men as possible around the time she conceived, and she is now receiving maintenance from as many as she could convince they were the father. If one starts demanding DNA tests or being more trouble than they're worth, she can afford to just drop them and carry on getting maintenance from the others. I'm sure they all think they're the only one and they're the dad as well.

I also find it unbelievable that you can't accept she'd deceive you like that. Why on earth not? You deceived your wife and family for years, didn't you? Sometimes circumstances align with terrible life choices and set you on a path, and the situation just keeps getting stickier. When you're finally at being found out stage something has to give. It happened with you, why couldn't that be the case with her?

Get a DNA test, then sort out the rest. You'd be a complete fool to keep paying maintenance to the relative when this woman won't even accept it from you. Your daughter won't benefit from it or even know about it, and the relative will live a well funded lifestyle at the expense of your relationship with your long-suffering wife. For now, put the money into an account. Once you have a DNA result you can decide what to do next.

This has been a really difficult thread to read. There's no winners here are there?

One thing I would say is that you need your wife to understand your Polish Daughter will find your English daughter soon enough. She will.

It's so easy now. Anyone can check find anything - you said yourself that the Polish Mother tracked you down easily enough. So I'd go back a step and reiterate that either you tell your English Daughter or wait with baited breath until she finds out herself.

Another very 'soap opera idea' is that you actually write an anonymous note to your own English Daughter to blow the whole thing wide open.

I second mediation Ted as that seems to suit your style of doing things. Then you can sort a DNA test and find out if she is your daughter genetically.

Ted I know you think I give you a hard time, but remember that my DH and I are within a few years of your age. And my reaction is based on how HE would act.

Once again you are using someone else as an excuse for your own failure to do what you know is right. "My wife won't let me", "The mother...what can I do?".

You KNOW what the right thing to do is. Now do it!!

Thank you astickintime, fatoldbag (that's me!), hownowbrowgoat, scootinfun and acrossthepond55

A strange thing. Which my wife is very unhappy about.

The Polish mother HAS agreed to a DNA test! But also at the same time demanded that the previous level of maintenance be reinstated.

She also wants, subject to the result of the DNA test, the two half sisters to know each other - either by whatsapp video or skype or meeting!!

My wife has vetoed the whole thing. And has even put her foot down about the DNA test which seems at odds with her previous statements on the matter.

So the current state of affairs is that I am willing to have a DNA test. And so is Polish mother. But we can't because my wife won't let me! She also point blank refuses to let the two daughters meet. And as I had already agreed to that as part of our compromise I feel honour bound to accept that although i am very unhappy about it.

I have no idea how this will play out. But for the moment my wife has stopped all options. And I just don't want to hurt her anymore - she has been through hell and I feel so miserable and dreadful for doing that to the woman I love.

Not helped by clearing out the loft this week and finding lots of photos when we were younger and happy together......

But we can't because my wife won't let me!

And there you go again. Are you an adult or a three year old?

Of course your wife is angry and hurt, but if she continues to be this controlling your marriage is either going to fall apart anyway or you are both going to stay together and be utterly miserable. For God's sake do the DNA test, then you know for sure where you stand. Your wife can't stop you paying maintenance.

I have read this entire thread. What a catastrophic situation. I really understand your hopelessness.

But for God's sake, man. Just take the DNA test. Seriously.

I have just read the whole thread. There are so many internal contradictions and generally icky self-pitying things being said by the OP. I have a few questions:

1. You've described it as an affair, then said it lasted five days, then said it was more like a one night stand. And you've said you didn't have a condom for all your (yawn yawn) "I'm fat, unfit, bald, old" reasons. So let's see now. They obviously SELL condoms in Poland. So was it a one time, one night thing and you didn't happen to have one, or did you do it more than one time/night and pass up the chance to buy one from the local spar (equivalent)?

1. You've said she told you she figured she could have you and she did. She's 42. You did it once or twice. She was not in her fertile period. And she got pregnant? Possible? Yes. Likely? No. (I love crime dramas). And if she made the decision to have you, -why didn't she have a condom in case of disease-?

1. You said maybe this was the time of her life she decided to have a child? Sweetie, you also said she already has a child (now two children). So WTF? Can you see you're kidding yourself?

1. You said she did a DNA test and it involved 3 of you. Did she have a proper DNA kit, and did she swab inside each of your cheeks? Are you now aware from a post above that you don't need 3 people to run a paternal test? Have you seen/got a copy of the results? If not, why not her for a copy now (or have you got some lame-o excuse for why not to do this?)

1. You say in one of you're "what are you smoking?" posts above that the six year old child is being asked for her permission to do a DNA test? Seriously? She's fucking six and explaining that shit to her could do her psychological harm.

1. Last question. You make me absolutely sick to my stomach by never once talking about your two grandchildren (until posters brought them up but your lack of concern for them is so telling) but by saying stupid shit like your daughter always wanted a sister. Not a sister the same age as her fucking kids she didn't, you rope-a-dope. Why is it oh so wonderful to watch your Polish daughter grow up, so miraculous and special and now you're old you can appreciate it BUT YOU DON'T HAVE THE SAME FEELINGS FOR YOUR GRANDCHILDREN? Oh pardon me, you are usually a very good grandfather but now you're drinking.

I really do wonder if, like someone says above, you're actually writing a novel and just trying to provoke responses because you have no idea how normal people react, and a taste for a really dim story line.

Do another fucking DNA test if she can't give you the results on paper. Get a kit via mail. Get a plane to Poland,. Get your poor wife to drive you to the airport since you don't like driving. Show up at the door with a big fruit basket for the Polish mum (not flowers) and something sweet for the kid (a soft toy) and get the DNA sample as part of a let's brush the soft toy's teeth game in the loo. Send it away - there are plenty of companies in the UK and you have been told you are the father.

Then report back. But please answer these questions first.

But we can't because my wife won't let me!

This is so frustrating to read! Come on! You need to step up here, yes your wife has been hurt but please start prioritising your children. Step 1 - get the bloody DNA test.

my wife won't let me

You've had an affair and a secret child for 5/6 years - I think you're better at lying than you think. Just get it done.

So, OP?

I think maybe Coneheadmum's post which brought up all the valid points has scared the OP away?

I am sorry to have taken so long to respond. But a lot of things have happened and I have been very unhappy (big understatement).

Firstly, can I thank those of you who were suggesting I should take another DNA test. It has clarified things.

After a great deal of discussions, my wife finally agreed to a DNA test. But explained quite strongly that she opposed it now. I didn't take it any further and ask her why. I genuinely don't understand and suspect I never will.

Anyway. Having been given the go-ahead I then had to arrange for the test. This was rather complicated. For a start you can only have a DNA test if you have the written permission of the main carer for the child (it's a legal requirement I think). And as both the child and mother were abroad that made life rather complicated. (could I prove that the letter was written by the mother etc).

In the end I decided it was easier if I chose a testing centre in Poland.

I searched online and read various forum comments and eventually chose a major provider of DNA tests in Poland. Not the cheapest but they have a good reputation.

I flew to Poland. And then all three of us went to the testing centre. Where, firstly, we had to prove our identities. Then all three of us had samples taken. The result is more accurate if all three of us are tested.

And the result was.............. I AM the father!

And the other result is that my life has been completely turned upside down.

When we got the results the Polish mother looked at me with a hard face as if to say 'why would you ever be so awful to think that I would lie about such a thing'. She is very angry. And still is.

My wife was devastated. I cannot put into words how upset she is. It really is heart wrenching to see her like this. I feel even more guilty and miserable than ever.

My wife still point blank refuses to let me tell our English daughter about her Polish half sister. In fact she is more resolute than ever about this.

This has resulted, bizarrely, in the Polish mother refusing all maintenance payments from me. She is very angry about the whole thing. She thinks it is ridiculous that I must only communicate with her via my wife and that my wife is controlling the maintenance payments.

So, in conclusion, she is my daughter. But my wife and the Polish mother are both very upset and angry with me. And my English daughter has not been told and probably will never be told.

Thank you again to all of you who have been so kind and helpful with advice and being so understanding.

I have no idea what the future holds.

Coneheadmum. You make a lot of good points. And reading your post made me feel ever more cr*p about myself that I already did.

I can only say I am guilty. I did something terrible. But I can never regret my lovely Polish daughter being born. I love her as all parents love their children.

Ted

I'm glad you at last have some resolution. I'm afraid I can completely empathise with the Polish Mother. I can see why she's offended and why she's refusing to dance to your wife's very unreasonable tune re: communication. I understand that your wife is hurt but she's dealing with that hurt by punishing your DDs. And that is not fair. You owe it to your Polish DD to be a real father to her, and that means standing up to your wife. Your marriage is a sham, your wife is simply trying to maintain a facade. It's time for you to be honest with your English DD. It's possible she'll forgive the affair eventually, but it's unlikely she'll forgive the deceit if she finds out you've lied to her.

Your focus should be on preserving your relationships with your DDs not trying to placate your wife.

Thank you Veterinari

I do agree with you up to a point. But the other side of the argument is that I have behaved appealingly and hurt my wife terribly. And I do love her.

Furthermore, when we made our agreement after a few weeks of not talking about the matter we both had to give and take. And I gave not telling our English daughter. I wish I hadn't had to do that but it seemed like the only way to save our marriage.

As for the Polish mother. I agree with you. She must hate me. And no wonder. She wanted me to 'man up' (a horrible expression in my opinion and not at all suited to someone like me a kind of metrosexual person - but that expression has been used by some who have replied to my posts. Including the vile 'grow a pair' - I genuinely don't understand what that means in real life).

Anyway. I cannot see this ending well. I just feel incredibly low.

The point is you can't un-hurt your wife, you can try to behave decently, but your wife wants you to sacrifice your relationship with your daughters to try and appease her.

It's up to you which you think is more important but I suspect that your relationship with your wife is over. And if you're not careful you'll lose your daughters too. You need to be strong for them, even if that means going against your wife.

Thanks Veterinari

I suppose you may already understand that I am not a 'strong' person. Never have been and in all likelihood never will be.

But I don't even know what to do even if I was strong. The Polish mother has now said on several occasions that she doesn't want a penny from me. Actually she said she doesn't want 'a single pound from your wife'.

So, I cannot see what I can do to appease her. She seems very determined.

And my wife is distraught. I hate hurting her so much.

Finally, other's have said that my English daughter will not be happy having a half sister who is so much younger than her. I wonder if that is true. Because if it is true then the pain of telling her might be pointless. Because the result will be that she also hates me but doesn't want to meet her little Polish half sister.

OP what marriage are you trying to save? What's the relationship you're trying to save? All that your wife wants is to save face. Fair enough, but as someone above said, that's a facade. It's not a relationship.

How's the drinking going?

Your grown up daughter is..grown up. She's had her chance of having a father figure for stability. Your other daughter is being denied that because your wife wants to save face.

Right now you're worried about hurting your first daughter, but she's an adult, she has the ability to get over it or not, without it impacting how she views men in her future. Your youngest is being hurt. It doesn't matter if you're "strong" or "weak". That makes no difference. Your her dad and it's your responsibility to make sure she knows you love her. Disappearing from her life, for whatever reason, is not the way to ensure she grows up knowing she's loved.

Your wife is a grown woman here too. She can also make her own choices.

There is someone weak here, but it's not you. Your youngest daughter is the only one here who cannot make decisions for herself. The only one. You may feel weak, but you have immense power to change how she grows up. And you know the impact your childhood had on you.

Don't think about weak or strong. Stop thinking about yourself. This little girl is the most important one in the situation. Do whatever it takes to make sure she's ok, because you're her dad and because she can't do that for herself.