Should I tell my daughter she has a half sister? (title edited by MNHQ)

[tedrekasta]

I have an English daughter aged 32. She has 2 children.

Shamefully, I had an affair 6 years ago with a Polish woman who I met abroad whilst working which (accidentally) resulted in another daughter. She lives in Poland with her mother (and elder Polish half sister).

I have never told my English daughter about her half sister in Poland.

Historically, my English daughter always yearned for a sister and my wife and I regret not having any more children. We are in our 60's. I am 68.

I have to tell terrible lies to both my wife and my English daughter in order to go and visit my daughter in Poland. Which I do about every 2 months.

I miss my Polish daughter, now 5, very much. But I love my English daughter so much and don't want to hurt her. And I love my wife very much and don't want to hurt her.

I just don't know what to do.

Should I tell my English daughter that she has a very young half sister living in Poland?

I am deeply upset and ashamed of myself. But want the best for my wife, my English daughter and my Polish daughter.

I would love any advice. Especially from anyone who has been through such a situation or similar situation.

Thank you for any help.

Thank you for your replies.

Yes, I agree it would be best to tell my English daughter. In fact every time I speak to her I want to 'blurt it out', I have to stop myself.

But my wife and I had the choice of compromise or get divorced.

I am not happy with this outcome. But then again neither is my wife. She would prefer me never to go to Poland ever again.

So, we have both compromised.

I still think that, as other posters have pointed out, that in these days of social media it is only a matter of time before my Polish daughter discovers her English sister on the internet. Though it seems at the moment that my English daughter has stopped using one of the two major providers and uses the other very little.

We shall see.

Anyway, I am now planning my next visit to Poland (including some work related stuff) which will be difficult because of doing the DNA test at the same time. And making appropriate arrangements as far as my wife is concerned.

But I am looking forward so much to seeing my Polish daughter. So excited.

Update. The Polish mother has now decided that she doesn't want my Polish daughter to see me. And doesn't want my maintenance money.

I am miserable beyond words. I have no idea why this suddenly came out of the blue. And she will not respond to any communication.

I'm so sorry Ted. I have been following your story since the beginning. If I'm being honest I think this change on the polish mothers part might be due to your requesting your own DNA test.
The hardest thing now is that you may never know. I really hope you can get some communication and figure this all out. All the best

My guess would be that it's because you've requested a DNA test that she knows will prove the child isn't yours. Why else would she stop the gravy train?

Agree with Prosecco.

Oh well, at least that means your daughter and your "daughter" will be spared the indignity of this mess.

Wouldn't bet on your marriage holding up that much longer though. Might, but you're on the back foot for life now.

sorry Ted.

I agree with others that if this has come after you've told her you want a DNA test that it's highly likely that she isn't 100% sure you're the father.

I'm sorry, but it's better that the truth comes out now.

It is because of the DNA test was my first thought too unfortunately. i too have been following and posting under a different name from the beginning. I'm sorry its come to this but at least your English dd won't need to know now and if the Polish dd isn't yours at least you aren't being tricked anymore. But I know it hurts.

From an outsiders perspective this is the best case scenario, but obviously you don't feel that because of your love for the little girl.

Thank you all for being kind and supportive. It's genuinely appreciated.

I don't know what to think.

But I am finding this very very hard after all of these years. And I love my Polish daughter very much and miss her terribly. I'm absolutely miserable.

I think there are three possibilities:
1 As you have all suggested. She isn't my daughter and the Polish mother doesn't want the DNA test to happen.
2 The Polish mother has started a new relationship with someone in Poland and has decided that this new man in her life will henceforth be my daughters 'father'. As a kind of stability for her daughter. And so she wants to completely cut all contact with me.
3 She has a very volatile personality and she is very fed up with all of the recent events, specially having to arrange everything via my wife and especially with the maintenance payments being reduced, that she has decided to 'cut off her nose to spite her face'.

Knowing the Polish mother both (2) and (3) are distinctly possible.

I still find it difficult to believe that she is not my daughter. And I find it difficult to believe that the Polish mother would have been so unkind as to deceive me, our daughter and her family for years. As I have said before, I just cannot believe she is such a bad person.

Anyway the current situation is that there is still no communication from her at all.

Perhaps wrongly, I contacted a relative of the Polish mother who sees her about once a month for family gatherings. He told me that the Polish mother seems perfectly normal, but he didn't know if she had a new man. He saw her last Sunday. And also said my daughter seemed fine.

I just cannot understand why she would suddenly cut me off without at least telling me why.

Ted, do you think there's any chance your wife offered Polish mum a one off lump sum to cut you out of her life?

Just an alternative to Polish mum getting cold feet re the DNA request.

Or maybe I'm just too Machiavellian.

I hadn't thought of that GirlDownUnder.

I can't imagine my wife doing that. But to tell you the truth I almost wonder if anything is possible.

The person who will suffer most in all of this is my Polish daughter and I just don't know what to think. My emotions are all over the place.

Thanks for replying. Everything gives me 'food for thought'.

Most likely scenario is the one that has been all along.

You are not the father of the child.

I know it's hard to accept but I still cannot think of any other reason why she would have slept with you.

You say that you are old, ugly and weak. You say that you did not pursue her. You say that she was keen to have sex without a condom.

All this points to her looking for someone to finance her situation.

Now you want a DNA test she suddenly backs off.

I know you don't want to think that she could be so cruel but people do behave in desperate ways when they are in desperate situations.

I think you need to just take some time for it to sink in that you are not the child's father.

Sadly, I have to agree with Fairenuff that the simplest explanation is most likely the right explanation, and I'm sure that hurts you.

But you have to let go, or hurt yourself more, and risk loosing the actual family you do have.

Fairenuff and GirlDownUnder thank you for your posts. I am always grateful to anyone who has the kindness to help me.

Trying to be logical - and it's difficult because I am an emotional wreck at the moment, I spend a good part of my life locked in the bathroom weeping.

IF she is not my daughter. Then it would mean that literally within a day or two of her getting pregnant she made love with me. Which is possible but seems impossibly unlikely. The date of conception can only have been a few days either side of when we made love.

So if you are right, then she must have made love to someone else just before making love to me. And have decided that she was pregnant by this other man! That's more or less impossible. And then there is the matter of the other man. Why is he not around claiming that it is his daughter?

OK, I agree it's just about possible but the sequence of events and the timing and the need for the Polish mother to be almost clairvoyant in knowing that she was pregnant before making love to me, make it all VERY unlikely that anyone else other than me is the father.

I do accept it is possible. But it isn't likely.

Anyway, still no contact from her.

I got in touch with the relative I know again today. He hadn't seen her again but had not heard anything about the situation. Apparently the Polish mother is making out that everything is normal.

I begin to think that my notion of another man is the most likely.

But.... shoot me down!

Thanks again. I appreciate your kindness in helping me.

OK one more scenario.

IF and it is a big IF she just decided that the time had come in her life when she wanted a child. And also that she wanted the father to support this child. And if she couldn't meet someone appropriate in Poland. Then MAYBE that would explain her actions.

BUT the problem with that theory is that it is totally dependent on her getting pregnant easily by me! An old man!! (A bit of a silly aside but isn't there some theory about them swimming in circles rather than going for the egg with old men?).

Surely if she wanted to get pregnant deliberately she would have chosen a young man. After all she is attractive.

However, the major flaw in my argument is, as many of you have pointed out, why would she want to make love with me? I am certainly not attractive. (That's being kind about my looks!).

That is a question I cannot answer.

I do still find it hard to believe that she could be so evil. IF she has lied and I am not the father then she has deceived me and 'our' daughter and her family. It seems unbelievably cruel. And although she has a hot temper I have always thought about her that 'what you see is what you get'. In other words I cannot imagine her telling such a huge lie. For so long.

Anyway, it seems that most of you think that I am wrong and that she has deceived me. I must say that I would really love a DNA test now.

Another scenario, Ted. She isn't really sure if you're the dad or not because she had another ongoing relationship (perhaps an on/off one) at the time of conception. You are probably the better option financially (based on Polish vs British salaries) so you are paying the child support. She may be avoiding a DNA because of the uncertainty.

But, from what you've said, it sounds very likely you are the father and Polish mum is fed up with being policed and monitored by your wife. Now you've cut her payments you are no longer the goose that lays the golden egg and she has no interest in maintaining the relationship for her daughter's sake.

So, what are you going to do about it, Ted? Some men might put their foot down and go for access through a court. Some fathers might tell their wife that they will keep visiting their daughter and let their wife choose whether to stay or go. Some fathers might tell their English daughter about her sister whether their wife approves or not. Some fathers might fly to Poland and insist they see their daughter..

But I have a feeling you're not one of those fathers, are you Ted?

Are you absolutely certain you know her correct date of birth?

Your DD could have been born early or late for all you know and there be much leeway between your potential fatherhood and reality!

Thanks all of you. Again very kind of you to respond .

I suppose what I want now is a DNA test.

I should have included, whether you share DNA or not you love that little girl and what her Mum has done now is really unkind and you must be hurting so much

Ted, the most likely scenario is that she isn't sure who the father is. So she just picked the man who was the most economically secure. Or it's also entirely possible that she's receiving support from more than one man, claiming that he/they are the father.

Ted, was the little girl by chance born premature, even by a couple of weeks? I was nearly 2 weeks overdue with my DD for example, so if the Polish mother was overdue but she pretended she was early that could reset the timetable by a whole month. She may have already known for a while that she was pregnant before she met you.

Hope that makes sense.

Have you seen the birth certificate? Or she could have lied about the actual birth date.

Can you go to Poland on the pretext of talking, and get some hair to do a dna test in this country?

Right now, DNA is not the issue (but given you had a few days of unprotected sex with her mother exactly 9 months before her birth - well, there's a good chance she's yours).The issue now is how you respond to the Polish mum cutting contact.

You say you love this little girl but what do you really mean by that? You don't speak her language. You haven't looked after her. She doesn't know you. You haven't seen her enough to build any relationship. So what do you mean by 'love' her? It seems to me that you might love the idea of having a cute secret daughter but faced with the reality of an angry mother of your child, your betrayed wife, a messy family situation, this love you say you feel is a flimsy fantasy.

So, maybe it's easiest to forget 'love' and ask yourself what is best for this little girl. Would just paying a monthly amount into an account for her without contact be best for her? Would fighting her mother and your wife to gain ongoing contact be best for her? I don't know the answer but at the moment it seems everyone (you, your wife, her mother) are all thinking about what's best for themselves. Nobody has really asked what's best for this little girl.

Thank you again. Random mess, yes I am hurting terribly. I can't put it into words.

I am certain of the birth date and certificate. Though I am not named on the certificate.

Haffdonga. I agree that the most important thing is what is best for my Polish daughter. I honestly don't know the answer to that. And so I really don't know what to do.

I think a large part of the Polish mother not wanting any more to do with me is that she sees me as being much too 'wimpy' and it winds her up terribly. She always wants to fight. So maybe she wants me to put up some kind of fight now. But I cannot think what and anyway I am not a fighter. I am more of a 'flight not fight' type of person and always have been. Anyway all I feel like doing is weeping and drinking.

I suppose I could go down the legal route. But that would cause distress to the mother and probably her family as well. Which I wouldn't want to do. She's clearly had enough so the last thing she would want is more stress. I don't know I just don't.