Should I tell my daughter she has a half sister? (title edited by MNHQ)

[tedrekasta]

I have an English daughter aged 32. She has 2 children.

Shamefully, I had an affair 6 years ago with a Polish woman who I met abroad whilst working which (accidentally) resulted in another daughter. She lives in Poland with her mother (and elder Polish half sister).

I have never told my English daughter about her half sister in Poland.

Historically, my English daughter always yearned for a sister and my wife and I regret not having any more children. We are in our 60's. I am 68.

I have to tell terrible lies to both my wife and my English daughter in order to go and visit my daughter in Poland. Which I do about every 2 months.

I miss my Polish daughter, now 5, very much. But I love my English daughter so much and don't want to hurt her. And I love my wife very much and don't want to hurt her.

I just don't know what to do.

Should I tell my English daughter that she has a very young half sister living in Poland?

I am deeply upset and ashamed of myself. But want the best for my wife, my English daughter and my Polish daughter.

I would love any advice. Especially from anyone who has been through such a situation or similar situation.

Thank you for any help.

Again thank you everyone.

To answer some of the questions raised.
After all of the advice received on this forum I have decided to go ahead with a DNA test provided that both the Polish mother and daughter are happy with that.
I am not a bad grandfather. Usually! But recently, having turned to the bottle I have been avoiding people because I feel guilty about my drinking. And just want to sit by myself in a room with a bottle. I've even been avoiding my friends.
I do love my English daughter very much. And if I had to make such a terrible choice then I would choose her over and above my Polish daughter. I hope that choice is never forced upon me.

I am still in the midst of the 6 weeks not discussing it with my wife. And I can't say that it's helping. It's on my mind all of the time. But I made an agreement so I should stick to it.

I do feel very low and have another appointment with my doctor.

The whole thing is really such a terrible terrible mess.

I used to think that one of the purposes of life was to try and do good things and be kind to people. It seems I have failed in both respects. And am just a selfish person.

You don't have to be so hard on yourself in terms of the selfishness element, it's normal human nature to want to minimise the damage to yourself and others whoever is at fault in whatever the situation is

All I would do though is urge you to rein in your drinking

Thanks wormwoodscrubbed.

Yes you are right about the drinking, I hope to discuss it with my doctor. I do keep trying to give up. I never used to drink like this before.

Thanks again

Ted, I urge you to get counseling. Drinking is never the answer and quitting once you've started relying on alcohol to numb the pain is very hard.

You may not be able to talk about it to your wife, but you do need to talk about it, in real life, to someone.

Any time

Yes do talk to your doctor, you already know that's what to do and recognizing it/doing something on your own initiative is a real starting advantage. You said you never used to drink like this before so you already know you can do it with out the drink again. Your health still matters irrespective of anything else that happens

Things happen for a reason even if we aren't meant to understand what that reason is and hope everything works out well for all of you in the end

Yes, if you are not careful it will be the drinking that causes your life to collapse around you, rather than the situation itself. When are you seeing the doctor?

Ted, don't be too hard on yourself and certainly ease off the grog of guilt. You are working to do right by your wife, your English daughter and your Polish daughter. That is a man owning his mistake. And I have to say - as one who had an unfaithful ExH - that your marriage sounds devoid not only of sex but intimacy & warmth. That's not to excuse your actions but it certainly makes them understandable and human.

And in many ways it's tougher to stay in a marriage after infidelity than to end it and walk away. So I would suggest you are stronger than you know.

Counselling could be a very good idea. I'm glad you've also decided to have the DNA test because even if you are confident she is your child, it is important that your wife (and English daughter eventually) also know this as fact, maybe more importantly when it comes to maintenance and any provision in your will. It might also make telling your English daughter more compelling once you have definite confirmation.

Thanks again all of you.

Your kindness keeps my spirits up.

All the best

Any updates? This situation has stayed on my mind. I have cousins on both sides of my family who have been in the same situation as the English daughter and coped quite well.

Thanks SpecialFlowSnake. That's very encouraging. I suppose it all comes down to personalities.

UPDATE:
Well, as you know all communications with the Polish mother are now taking place via my wife.

However, my Polish daughter was ill over the weekend and so my wife agreed to me having an internet chat with her and her mother provided I did so whilst my wife monitored the situation. Which seemed fair enough, given everything she has gone through.

I found it very distressing. It seems my daughter had to have some tests, the results of which were either ambiguous or OK depending on two different opinions of the results - different clinicians in Poland.

I also just found it very distressing and depressing. I miss her so much and made everything so vivid. I locked myself in the loo afterwards and just sobbed.

I had a short counselling session earlier this week. A very intelligent woman who basically agreed that there wasn't a solution that wouldn't cause great hurt to someone. And that she was concerned about my health and emotional state vis a vis regular visits to Poland.

We talked through various scenarios. I did find it helpful talking to a stranger. But I didn't feel that I had moved on in terms of what to do.

All the best everyone. I shall try and keep updating when I have more news. Probably after the 6 weeks have passed and my wife and I can talk about it all again. Though I strongly suspect she doesn't want to ever talk about it again. Can't blame her.

Counseling doesn't provide instant remedies, Ted. It can take months to work through things and then build the courage to carry out what you've decided is the right thing to do.

Keep up with the counselor. Tell her what you want, even if you don't believe it can happen. Then go from there.

If just read this full thread and either it's all nonsense (which I don't believe) or this polish woman is taking the absolute mick out you. Now the money reduced and you haven't been visiting your daughter is really ill? 🤔

I know that not everyone agrees with me but I do believe the Polish mother to be honest in that my daughter with her is indeed my daughter. I cannot see that she would be so awful as to lie about such a big thing to me and her family. Especially knowing the upset it's all causing.

However, I do plan to have a DNA test.

I've been following since the start Ted and second the recommendation to keep up with counselling - it will help you to process this situation.

I know that you're trying to please everyone and that's not possible. I do wonder if counselling might give you some clarity over whether your marriage is really worth pursuing (as painful as this may be) Would your wife consent to joint relationship counselling? Trying to bury this bomb won't be helpful in the long term.

I'm not sure that you trying to 'make up' to your wife by giving her control over your access to your DD will help. It will just cause resentment in the long term.

Harsh as it sounds I think you need to prioritise your DDs over your wife and that means being honest with both of them and behaving like loving father to them both - not sacrificing your relationships as a father in a misguided attempt to console your wife.

Please do continue with the counsellor - and be kind to yourself.

If you tell them now there is a possibility it can be fixed. If you wait til they read it in your will it can never be fixed and they will never be able to resolve the unanswered questions, hurt and upset that they will have to deal with for the rest of their lives, you don't want to torture your wife and older daughter. Fix it now, it can still be done. Good luck!

I'm sure she will resist talking about it after the 6 weeks are up but you do need to force the issue ted. You are in limbo now and you need to move on one way or another.

How is the drinking?

Your wife sounds horrible and very controlling, why are you with her?

Glad to hear you are going to have a DNA test. When the six weeks is up (when is that by the way, must be soon) I would suggest that this would be a good way to broach the subject with your wife.

She is more likely to be willing to discuss it if she thinks there is even a tiny chance that the child might not be yours. Once you get the result, you can make more decisions depending on what that result is.

What did the girl's mother say when you told her? Was she fine with it, or resistant at all? Her response to your request for a DNA test might be a good indication of whether or not she is lying.

Thanks Veterinari, BigGrannyPants (??), NeedaBumChange (??) and Fairenuff

Your monikers made me smile which is not something I do a lot these days.

I am going to continue with the counselling sessions, though I doubt my wife would want to join me. We shall see. I can't really raise the matter until after the agreed 6 weeks.

Sorry, to say the drinking is not going well. I wake up every day with a terrible head. But I have stopped eating so much and my weight is going down, which is a good thing.

I don't honestly know how to 'read' the Polish mother. So I don't truly know her feelings about the DNA test (or anything else come to that). I have had VERY limited access to her for chatting because it is all controlled by my wife. Which to be fair to her I willingly agreed to.

I don't think my wife is as controlling as perhaps my descriptions indicate. I'm not good with words. And I do know that she is terribly hurt. So I can understand her actions.

I was thinking earlier today what I would do in her shoes. And I honestly don't know the answer. Though I can see that monitoring and limiting my time talking to the Polish mother seems a not totally unreasonable response.

Thanks everyone you have been very kind

I don't honestly know how to 'read' the Polish mother. So I don't truly know her feelings about the DNA test

It's very simple. Did she agree to it straight away, without any hesitation or objection? Or did she question it?

OP?

Hello and sorry not to have given an update before now. But there wasn't much to tell.

Anyway, my wife and I have had our discussion about the future. She really didn't want to talk about it because she thought it would upset her talking about it again after a peaceful few weeks not discussing it.

The conclusion we came to was this:
1 I am not to tell anyone, including our English daughter, about my Polish daughter.
2 In exchange for that she is willing to let me visit my Polish daughter on condition that I do not have any relationship at all with the Polish mother. (including the condition that my wife can video call me at any time of day to check up on me when I am in Poland).
3 She still wants the maintenance payments I make to the Polish mother reduced in value. Though she has agreed that halving the payments would be too harsh. This has not been finalised but it looks like it's heading for 3/4 of what I have been paying. This will be difficult for the Polish mother. But I can't see that I have any options.
4 I must get a DNA test. We agreed on this.
5 All communication with the Polish mother must go through my wife. Not directly from me to the Polish mother.

I'm not happy with this outcome. But I think it is the best I can negotiate with my wife without losing her. And I don't want to lose her. I'm certain of that.

I think there will be problems in the future. Not least of which is, as some of you have mentioned, that at some time in the future my Polish daughter will start using social media and could potentially track down my English daughter. My wife thinks it unlikely.

So there we are. Not a happy ending for anyone. But at least I can continue to see my Polish daughter which is very important to me.

Can I please thank those of you who have sent me kind and helpful private messages. They really did help me! And thanks to all of you for commenting - even the negative ones. You all made me think harder and gave me different viewpoints on the whole thing.

I think not telling the English daughter is a huge mistake. She'll find out eventually, most likely after your death, and better to do it now while you're still alive and can answer any questions, than whilst she's in the midst of grieving.

I think you forget that she doesn't want to lose you either so she would give in about telling the English daughter if it can still be kept quiet between you all. She doesn't want it to go public though. That's her fear. Do you think the English daughter would keep quiet about it for her mothers sake? If so insist on telling her. It is a huge mistake not to.

I think you AND your wife are sacrificing both daughters for your own selfish 'happiness'.