Should I tell my daughter she has a half sister? (title edited by MNHQ)

[tedrekasta]

I have an English daughter aged 32. She has 2 children.

Shamefully, I had an affair 6 years ago with a Polish woman who I met abroad whilst working which (accidentally) resulted in another daughter. She lives in Poland with her mother (and elder Polish half sister).

I have never told my English daughter about her half sister in Poland.

Historically, my English daughter always yearned for a sister and my wife and I regret not having any more children. We are in our 60's. I am 68.

I have to tell terrible lies to both my wife and my English daughter in order to go and visit my daughter in Poland. Which I do about every 2 months.

I miss my Polish daughter, now 5, very much. But I love my English daughter so much and don't want to hurt her. And I love my wife very much and don't want to hurt her.

I just don't know what to do.

Should I tell my English daughter that she has a very young half sister living in Poland?

I am deeply upset and ashamed of myself. But want the best for my wife, my English daughter and my Polish daughter.

I would love any advice. Especially from anyone who has been through such a situation or similar situation.

Thank you for any help.

tedrekasta, do you have any siblings? You could just put yourself in your daughter's shoes, would you be excited to find out, say, about a six-year old half-brother on your dad's side - imagine you also have two children of your own at the time of finding out?

Just sharing the blood of your father is not normally something to get terribly excited about and want to become friends with that person, taking into account the circumstances (pain inflicted on your mother), age gap etc etc. The same blood doesn't automatically equal friendship anyway, but at least with the full sibling even if you are totally mismatched in terms of friendship, you have this mega-valuable shared past, you share childhood and relationship with your parents which often no one outside the family could get as much as your sibling. And in a good family even if you have nothing in common in terms of personality, interests etc, you still usually know that in times of trouble your sibling will do their best to help you.
And of course it's much better not to be a single child when you have two elderly parents to look after. That's a bit like being a single parent with two kids. Even if you are not literally looking after them, you still would get involved in lots of admin, health etc decisions, you still have a relationship with them to maintain and having no one to share it with even just to moan or have a laugh could be challenging for just the one child. What would your eldest daughter get from this relationship as a sibling? Of course, it'd be unfair for her to only find out at the point of your death, that she'd not be the only heir. You need to discuss this aspect with your wife and find a solution.

You said yourself you weren't very involved with your oldest daughter when she was a child, and even if she is an adult now, she is still YOUR child, and to discover you are a newly doting parent IF you weren't that doting with her would be hurtful. Though if you are a massively doting grandparent it might sweeten the pill. You haven't replied whether you are involved with your daughter's kids who live in the same country. If you had showed that you had changed with age and enjoy spending time with grandchildren and obviously love children she'd not be surprised that you are anxious to spend time with your younger daughter, she would have witnessed your love and care for your grandchildren (are any of them similar age to your Polish child?)

In any case I wouldn't tell her anything until you've done a DNA test in UK. Imagine telling her, than finding out it was negative? Do you realise that if your Polish daughter eventually finds her through social media whatever, you daughter would likely want proof (DNA test) before she engages into any kind of relationship. And if it was negative, what a shock to put your future teenager/ adult Polish daughter through, and for what? Also unfair to to make your older child share your inheritance until you know 1000% it is her sister.

Ted - I really think you do need to do another DNA test, just to be sure. I know you don't want too but all this anguish could be over another mans child and that's not fair on you, your wife or your Polish daughter. If it confirms you are her father then you have to tell your English daughter.

The world is too small a place now for you and your wife to guarantee this never getting out. Your English daughter has a right to know about her half sibling. She has a right to be able to ask questions and make the decision for herself, whether or not she wants a relationship with her.

I can understand your wife wanting to save face but it is a selfish desire and not in the best interests of her daughter. Hard as it may be, she owes her child the truth.

I also understand your drinking, you don't sound like you have anybody to comfort you through this and I suppose, at least a drink takes the edge off but Ted, I know you know it creates more problems than it solves. Self medicate with it if you need to, your emotional overwhelm is nothing to feel ashamed of but please ALSO look into finding support/counselling. I'll again recommend TheWork.com - it's free to download from the website and there are helplines to call. Got to be worth a punt, no?

Just found this thread. Ted do you have any real life support?

You're not a loser Ted. You're certainly not the first and you won't be the last to find comfort in a bottle.

You don't have to make all your decisions at once. Think of the enormous progress you've made since you started this thread. Your older daughter has been in the dark for a long time - a little longer won't cause any more harm. Take your time. An ill thought out or rushed disclosure would probably have the opposite effect that you intend.

Red

I just read your last message and I don't think it's up to you unfortunately.

Your polish daughter has asked to meet her English sister.

Your English daughter has a right to know she has a sister.

Whatever the relationship might turn out like is not really the point.

You are deciding this for your two daughters and it's not your decision to make. They are people with their own feelings and thoughts and deserve to be allowed to make their own decisions about their lives.

I know your polish daughter is only a child, but she still has feelings and has expressed a desire to contact HER sister.

Albeit, I don't think you have to rush into telling your English daughter. As long as you know you will, soon, as in the next year or so.

Remember she will find out anyway after your death. So really delaying telling her is just so you don't have to deal with any of this. Not fair or respectful to her.

Dear heateallthebuns

Thanks that's interesting and sad.

I WANT my Polish daughter and my English daughter to meet.

BUT..... I want it to work. I want them to be happy to know that they have each other as sisters.

Because of the age difference I don't think that will happen. Which I find unbelievably sad.

Why do you still believe her without getting a UK DNA test done?

And IF that is a match then put more effort into learning polish!!!!!!!

Ted, with the greatest respect, what you want doesn't matter. As heat said, your feelings are irrelevant, it is your two daughters decisions and they need to know the facts so that they can make that decision fully informed.
Get everything out there in the open. How is you and your wife's relationship doing?

Please stay away from the bottle, you are only going to undo all he good work you've done. Have you made an appointment to see a councillor yet? Despite the expense you need to make it a priority, before the bottle takes over as a self medication.

To people saying "get a paternity test", Ted has accepted this child as his own now. For all intents and purposes he is her father. Suppose he found out he was not the biological father, what would you have him do? Abandon the child when he is the only father she has ever known?

But it would solve the problem of telling his daughter that she has a half sister if, in fact, she doesn't. Also, it would give him the option of stopping financial donations to a woman who has duped him. If the child is not his, that is.

Ted at the very least you could ask the Polish woman for a UK DNA test and see how she reacts. You could say that your wife has insisted on it.

It's an easy enough test and a reasonable request. If she opposes it, you would have to question why.

If she opposes it, you would have to question why

This.

So basically, fuck the child's needs, and Ted's own emotional needs, if the child isn't biologically his then he should walk away?

I repeat, Ted has accepted the child as his own. Biology is no longer relevant.

He might not be ready to face the truth but his family deserve to know, including the girl herself, whether or not he is actually her biological father.

Also, it is family money that he is giving away. This isn't just about him and what he wants. There are three other people to consider and they all need to start from a point of truth and honesty imo.

So if the girl has a DNA test, and Ted is found not to be the father, what should happen next in your view?

It would depend on what everyone wants.

If Ted wants to keep contributing to her upkeep and visiting her, then his wife would have to agree to that.

If she doesn't, then she has the option of divorcing him and walking away with her share of the finances.

Ted can then continue to spend his share of the finances as he pleases.

The older dd would not need to be told about the girl as she would be no relation.

mustermark this is completely different from someone who has lived with the mother/child as a father figure and then decides to leave because he is not the dad. He has never lived with the mother/daughter and as sad as it would be for the daughter / him , if he has been scammed then he needs to get his head around that fact first.

If a man loved his family then he would have got a UK DNA test 5 years ago and IF IT IS HIS DD put more effort into learning polish. 5 years and basically no effort has been put in to learn his imaginary DD language rather than spending his family/wife's money supporting this girl who is or isn't his responsibility

Perhaps he is just a liar and a cheat and a weak man who refuses to do the honest deed to anybody, his wife, adult DD and this child in Poland who he doesn't care enough about to try harder to learn her language but just throws money at as he is guilty of cheating on his family with her mother who has probably been laughing at him for years as she has conned him into giving her money

Or all of this is a fantasy and a bargain bin novel in the making!

If a man "forgot" all about his own grandchildren and kept going on about a "pretend" DD that he can't talk to cos he can't be bothered to learn her language in over 5 years.

All 3 children if they actually existed would probably be about the same age but he has forgotten what is supposed to have happened in the first chapter of his novel so just goes on about a particular line of questioning about large age gaps etc - wanting MN to share their own life stories with him ---- why?

"Trumptation truth"

Ojoj1974 RTFT FFS

Thank you everyone.

I have been thinking a lot about your comments. Especially those relating to whether or not I am the father. I do love my Polish daughter very much. And if a test proved that I am not the father then I don't honestly think that I would stop loving her. And I don't think I would want to stop paying maintenance. Though I agree that my wife would probably have strong views on both of those matters.

Another issue mentioned is why on earth I haven't learnt Polish. And the reason is twofold. One is that I am appalling at learning languages. At school I of course was taught French. I vividly remember getting 5% in an examination. I don't think I ever did better than about 30% and of course I failed my 'O' level. Secondly, I am getting old and forgetful. It's not quite the case that I cannot remember what I had for breakfast. But I cannot remember names. Ever. And so I always have to be retold who my Polish daughters mothers friends are etc.

Also, what with working and travelling I haven't had a great deal of time to sit down and have a good go at it. As I say I have got my textbooks and audio recording out and am trying again but I think it's not likely that I shall learn Polish - being realistic.

I do hope that my Polish daughter does learn English. It will be helpful to her anyway. Though I have never even been good at English. Spell checkers are my friend!

My wife and I are 'getting on' with life. And as agreed we have not discussed matters. Apart from her telling me forcefullly that we shall never have sex again. Which I completely understand. Though as I said it never really happened much anyway.

I have been to see my doctor who thinks I am suffering from depression.

Coming back to the DNA test and telling my daughter. I do understand that they are linked. But I worry what effect it would have on my love for my Polish daughter.

Finally, I know many of you disagree with me on this, but the Polish mother doesn't seem to me to be the kind of person who would tell such a terrible lie. I can believe many things about her. But not this. I just cannot imagine her being so terrible. After all it is a huge lie for her to tell her daughter. And that just doesn't seem credible.

Thanks again for your help everyone.

Whatever your reasons you're too trusting of that Polish woman, not everyone is honest and principled

Ted, she had already lied to you telling you she was on her safe days, or did by safe she meant "can't get pregnant, pregnant already"?
It is totally credible she'd lie to her daughter about who her father is, if the alternative is that she either has no idea who the father is (slept with too many or was a one night stand randomer who she couldn't trace), or the real father was a drug addict/alcoholic/again someone else's husband etc etc. There might be lots of reasons why she'd lie to her own daughter, to hide her own past or with good intentions, because she thought you'd make far better father than the bio father. Most probably the alternative would have been no father (and no money) whatsoever.

Is your name on the birth certificate and if so, I guess your possible daughter is entitled to the British citizenship?